Respect Yourself: Stop Letting Others Take Advantage of You

One type of person is everywhere-the USER! Yes, they're manipulative too. Trust your gut. It will tell you why they're all smiles and flattery. Why they say that they can't wait to see you. Been thinking so much about you. Why? They want something from you. It's obvious. Their game is really transparent though if you give up your naive notion that everyone is sweet and caring. Some just use that as a ploy. You have got to set firm boundaries with these types or before you know it they'll be sleeping in your bed and using your shower. Get ready for the backlash-they are not going to like it-too bad for them. Let them run away, talk bout you-whatever. Let them go-give them their coat and shoes and hold the door. They're secretly competitive with you and out for themselves!

I came across this article as I was in a similar situation. Although I agree with the steps and ways to overcome getting used by people, I'm not sure if I can use this steps when it comes to family. This is because with family, by saying no, its like they cant depend on you and will seek help from other people instead of you. Im in that situation now, but when I tolerate their nonsense, its taking a toll on me. I am an INTJ, so I kinda notice everything which is going on in the family, but i cant say the same with them. I've tried taking to them to explain that for the family to be happy, everyone got to do their part to make the family going, but seems like my words are just words. Everything is forgotten the next day. If you're reading this, do let me know what can I do to make things much easier on myself

Oh, I think you can most certainly use those steps with family members. Just because you are related it doesn't mean that someone can treat you disrespectfully. Quite the opposite! Those who love and care for you need to show it by not taking advantage of your kindness. It doesn't actually help them anyway. All it does is teach them that it's okay to be a 'user' and at the same time your own self-worth ebbs away. Relationships MUST be two-way - give and take. So, go ahead and set those boundaries and show others that you are worth respecting and not simply an object to be used to meet their needs.

Hi there,
I had 3 girlfriends who really took to much advantage of me.
In many ways. Now i stoppt trusting. I am very hurt.

Tanks Emily for this write up. I live with my married sister and I help her with her kids. But atimes I get to do chores for her which at the end of the day I don't get to do my own business. I feel like I don't have a life because I can't make any decision without thinking about her or her kids. What do I do?

Hi. I need help with some of the ways I can use to deal with anger when dealing with loved ones who take advantage of me. They always find a way to upset me and I respond bad unintentionally. when I raise facts they tell me I'm a smart ass

Augustina
You're unbelievable! Move out! You live with your sister and like she's taking advantage of you! Reality check friend!

I just feel that sometimes it is hard to stand up for yourself. Sometimes people start using you in a subtle way and when you find out, it is kind of late and you feel like you don't have the courage to defend yourself because your self-steem is so low for having allowed this people to behave in an abusive way with you.

These steps can ABSOLUTELY be used with family members!

I have a friend who's an independent business owner, she calls me at all times during the day forgetting I'm on the clock at a corporation. She ignores when I tell her I'm at work and have to, and if I try to say something about my life she glosses over it. I have been polite and pointed in telling her she does not have any respect for my time; that didn't work so I just stopped answering her every all and would take a day or two before responding to her. She got an attitude and would then be short in her response or blatant in now responding to anything I say. She has issues with her relationships in work and business and only seems to want to have an ear to voice about it but not doing the same in return. She gives a percentage of a contract to those who help her secure work to date I may be the only person who didn't get it and I did ask her about it. She said oh she forgot and has taken the profit from that contract and donated it to the non-profit business owned by the person I got her the job for... What does that have to do with a written practice of your business and me... is it because I'm your friend I don't get that bonus but you want me to keep being your friend? This is someone who seems impervious to the fact that those who may support her are entitled to respect.

Thanks, I realize I can't fix her but she's not hearing me at all and I'm going to stop feeling guilty when she's angry that I didn't respond when she wanted me to. It's like being a doormat for someone's convenience. She cuts off a conversation if she needs to and then gets annoyed when she calls back and I can't talk. My husband and I went to movies over the weekend; she'd cut off our conversation complaining about her troubles saying she'll call back early in the afternoon... when did she call that night we were at the theatre; I didn't take the call of course, she hit redial and I let it go to voicemail again, then she texted... why didn't she think I was unavailable and just wait to hear from me? I could have been in bed with my husband if not at the movies... he could have gotten annoyed if I disrupted our date to take her call; our personal time is limited due to our schedules and though we've got no children in the house it is important to enjoy the time when we can have a date or just go for a drive alone. When I did call her back the next day towards the evening, the frost in her tone was clear as windshield in winter, so I just said call me back when you can, she hung up without even an okay. I've resolved not to call her as I think it's a good time to just breathe and let the chips fall where they may...

I feel emotionally drained by the rudeness and taking advantage of by my 14 year old step son who Ive known for 4 years. I drove to his dads for 2 years with food, cooked, cleaned, ironed and my two boys had to do what the step son wanted because this was his territory. Father feels guilt over his divorce and has onky just noe at age 14 started to pull him up about being selfish. I feel burned out as Im always trying to please yet all I get in return is critisism, rudeness, disrespect and I cant do anything about it because he is not my son! To give a flavour ... I iron his clothes and hang them up and he scrunches them back into his bag from his mums, he always criticises food I cook, he is defiant about household rules, says they are stupid (simple things like taking shoes off in the house) slams doors, punches things, will not acknowledge my birthday at all and refused to wish his little step brother (5yr old) happy birthday and he lies about stuff too! Then when his dad tries to hold him to account, he argues back and waits to see if I react. He has a kind father who has spoiled him but we are both taken advantage of and hubby just wants to offload hus frustrations onto me and I just feel drained all the time and resentful of all the times he has taken advantage of. Any advice?

This is the problem with all the articles that I've read about self-esteem and assertiveness- They draw the line between helping others and being taken advantage of by other people. It seems whenever I help another person (be it adult or child) they always end up taking advantage of me! Whether it's taking way more time than agreed upon, stopping at more stops, using guilt trips to get me to give more, etc... So, do I just say no to everyone that wants help?! And to me assertiveness is different than self-esteem. I know my own value, but my problem is that most times that I agree to help people, they use me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I run a guest house. If I'm kind to people they slowly take just a but more from me each visit. It really doesn't pay to be too kind to anyone really.

I need advice badly, I feel like I am a very kind,helpful,good hearted person. My problem is people love to take advantage of my kindness. I am a good person,simple and love to help others,its part of whom I am. I have had the worst year and a half,and my eyes have been opened to reality. my good friend,well she says were more like family,just keeps taking advantage of me and was not there for me and my family when I needed her most.My husband almost died at work and my world came to a sudden standstill in the blink of an eye, I called her and she came over and was my rock, for the day. the next day she acted as though she was here for us and slowly disappeared. I went through hell and back and made it through, but hold this anger towards her inside for her lack of friendship I truly needed at that time.its much worse the things she took advatage of me through the situation I was going through,she talked me into storing her two gun safes at my house with 50 guns in them,so she could become a caregiver,it was supposed to be for a short time and its now almost two years later, I finally told her she needs to store them somewere else and now she is mad and angered at me? I dont understand how she can act this way? I need advice? am I such a weak person?

I have a friend I've known for 10+ years. We had a 4 year break for completely different reasons than why I need to end it now. She's always been mean, and kind of racist. I've tried to tell her that her behavior isn't ok, but she doesn't seem to get it. She comes over, unannounced, even after I've said I'm busy, not home, etc. I believe she's sabotaged me in the past, but she's smart, and able to cover her tracks. She also apparently is a cleptomaniac, and a liar. I found some of my belongings in her home last year when I went to take her a bday gift. I know this all sounds nuts, and the answer obvious, but before I found my stolen items we had both gone thru a lot with cheating significant others, and she was a lifeline for me, as sad as that sounds. I was destroyed emotionally when I found things at her house, and then my family is after me for what she may have taken of theres. We didn't speak for several months last year after this, and my life settled down, I started getting all the bs folks out of my life. I'm disabled, and recently received some $$ due to the injuries that caused my disability. Mind you when I was laid up I barely saw her, bc I had nothing. I didnt see a lot of people, my external family forgot I existed. She started asking for everything when we started talking again, from cigarettes, to money, food, gas money, etc. I helped her w her rent. She's supposed to pay me back this month. I feel terrible even talking about this, I look like an idiot. I'm struggling to keep her away from me, I have to lie, not answer my phone. I want to believe she is as mentally ill as she says she is, bc I'm not in the best shape either. But I don't steal from people, I just go too far to help them. Her behavior seems sociopathic at times, and scares me. She's a scavenger, and a user, and a thief. I fear retaliation, and loneliness. I keep waiting for her to be the friend she used to be, but I suppose this is who she always was. I want better for myself after years of physical and emotional pain. I don't want to be mean, but I fear that's where I'm headed. It's like a scary reddit. It needs to stop. Yes, I am in therapy, and I do have some really good friends who don't abuse my generosity, and were there anyway when I had nothing. I've read a few different articles about ending toxic relationships, and this seems pretty textbook. Any ideas how I can cleverly get her out of my life with out causing a lot of waves? I'm a sitting duck here, I don't drive. ...I got rid of the ex boyfriend easier than this, and even we can be friends. Theres a terrible feeling that comes from being used this throughly...last week I was outside helping build a fence, and she spent way too much time inside my home unattended. My daughter and I believe she may have taken some food, and a dollar out of my wallet. Sound paranoid much? Very upsetting to be in this situation.

I recently took a good look at my life and I realize that the reason I have been used and made a fool of, is due to the way I was raised. My own mother took advantage of me, forcing me to do the majority of the laundry, cooking and housework (especially after she remarried, to a thieving piece of trash). At 18, I had to move out, one month after I got a full-time job at a factory with minorities, who didn't even speak English. My step-sister and her greedy brat were showered with tens of thousands of dollars, cars, a house, etc, yet never did jack for either my mother or stepfather. My life has been total crap, all because of the way my own mother treated me. I can't trust anyone, because they always use me. But at least I recognize what has gone wrong, even though I can't fix it.

Boo hoo, take a stand for yourselves, set boundries for the way you expect to be treated and accept the consequences of your actions. If they leave because you set a boundary for yourself then accept it and move on. Remember that you are the one who is responsible for training people into how to treat you!

I am in an almost identical situation to Di`s including the disability and years of emotional and physical pain bit. My “friend” does all the stuff Di mentions bar the stealing but I fear she may steal from me one day and I'm nervous of her being around my home for that reason. I feel trapped. I don't know what to do

My daughter go out and I baby sitting my two grandkids who live with me I love my grandkid but not to baby sit 3/5 day I feel usede and my husband have not been on no dates just helping my granddaughter's what should I say to my daughter?

Thank you so much for sharing. I have someone taking advantage of me right now and I need to get rid of him.....This information is so helpful, thank you.

I recently found myself in a relationship with 3 different people. It was chaos. Trying to fit everyone in and trying be a different person for everyone involved. Then things took a turn for the worst, when I began sleeping with 2 of them.
My heart ached for those 2 months because I knew what I was doing was wrong and it was below my standards of values. Although there wasn't any psychological recourse. What I encountered was a breakthrough. I had decided that in order to be involved in a successful relationship, I had to stop gambling my time between 3 people. All of which I knew weren't providing anything other than space fulfillment in there prospective time slots.
The most exhausting matter of all my actions above all, was that I had made myself to believe that no one could see the mess that I was creating within. And that everyone I had chosen to have a relationship with, was only offering me a negativity that I had fled from in a previous relationship that was with one person: the father of my son.
My sons father was an abusive user, that only wanted to control me. He was controlling in that he wanted to decide who I could talk to while I was with him (like family). Or what I could do while he was away.
I had began to think that in order for someone to prove they loved me they had to buy me something. Which often times was what my sons father would do when he had done something to cause friction between us that he ultimately wanted to dissipate.
I've spent a very long time trying to suspend the cycle of arguing, debating, hurting, crying, living in disappointment and depending on that man. ONLY to allow him to sprinkle a few sweet words in my ear about his redemption to our relationship and within a snap was having sex with him one minute and watching him walk out the door the next. - This left me heart broken. And very empty. Don't ever do this. Don't reverse the clock on a decision you KNOW is a bad one. It will only fester into dissatisfaction over your actions and alienate you from your goals as well as your purpose. Live your values.
Now- I'm at the place where I could cut off the other individuals, but couldn't cut off my sons father.
Then suddenly I said, yes I can.
I can and I will cut him off- even if that means I won't be able to see my son for some time (as I gave him full custody after we split, because he wanted to control me with paperwork) Which means ALL the horror stories you hear about women not allowing fathers to see their children and cutting fathers completely out- my sons father has done that to me. And yes, I am a woman (obviously).
You may say. You're nuts. You're not responsible. You don't care about your son. But I do. I love my son immensely. And even if I didn't see my son for 1000 years he will always know I love him and at some point he will seek to find me. I just have to give it time.
But between then and now I simply have to isolate my sons father from my life as he is counterproductive. He is a cancer that if you allow in, will spread like wild fire. He is toxic. He is insidious.
I am on a serious journey to 'stabalize' my inner peace so that I may radiate it with out and attract the things that I know I deserve. And I'm hoping that allowing some time to pass undistracted from negative people and situations will bring; solitude, harmony and peace to all that have been involved.
Please share your thoughts. I would love to hear them. Thank you for reading.

the cashier did not mean to take advantage of you. she gets paid minimum wage and does not profit at all from overcharging you. you should have asked for the manager to correct the price in the system, because the product wil only be the same incorrect price when the next person buys it. I think you article is very helpful. You even provided us with what to say in common situations, which is helpful too.

Ive let all the people around me, make me believe that they need me because i was smart, always know the answers. But listen to me when i tell you that all they did to me was make me feel burnt out and stupid. They now have someone new to screw, to let believe that they are needed, that they are all they have. All that they are users.... Im telling you. Im all messed up because they made me believe i was the answer to all their problems. All i was to them was "a roof to have over their head, a blanket to make them feel warm, and a restaurant open 24/7". Im getting up, they might have beaten the hell out me, but ill be standing once again, and it will be without them around me...

I also have multiple people taking advantage of me! I know he is bad 4 me! Just when he holds me it feels so amazing nothing else even matters!

Everyone needs someone but when there's no one around it's impossible. I agree we have to respect ourselves. That being said what happens when you are only surrounded by users and didn't realize that they were? What about those that just refuse to respect you no matter what boundries you set up? Also what about those who you thought were friends but decided they couldn't help due to their conclusions of you being capable to solve the issue or didn't have time in their life to assist you? What about those, hmmm? What if there were absolutely no one there to help you What then? Face it, we are all users and are only after what "we want". Everyone needs someone but when there's no one around it's impossible. Inner strength has it's own limitations. To many give advice and don't help with the action part. There are people out there that need help with the action part too. Oh another thing! Why is it that the issue is always with the person seeking help? They are at least trying to resolve the situation. Respect comes in many forms that have yet to be discovered.
If I'm missing the message that you are trying to convey in this blog I'm sorry.

I have neighbors who enjoy taking advantage of my kindness every time they park in my driveway and expect me to excuse them and say: "Oh, that's alright". When I get mad about the problem they immediately place a guilt trip on me by calling me a "bad neighbor". Another incident is using my outside water faucet when they hook up their own hose and wash their car in MY driveway. Another incident occurred when it was pouring rain outside and the 29 year old male neighbor parked his car in my driveway because he didn't have any rain gear. I said to move the car out of my driveway. He called me a bad neighbor because it was raining really hard and I wasn't feeling sorry for him. Boo Hoo!

Solitude is not the same as lonelyness, or being taken advantage of.

I have my mother in law staying with us and it was suppose to be temporary few weeks, which turned into months and now over a year and few months! I have talked with my husband about how she should be helping with hydro, tv and internet if she wants to continue to stay. she always pulls the pitty me card " I just need to catch up". seriously im going nuts inside ?. she comes and goes when she pleases and likes to drink whenever now. I feel like I'm gonna be forced to do a b**ch card. I want my own space and privacy back. I've dealt with in-laws enough now. even my own mom stayed her but she didn't even wanna impose more than a week. I feel lots of frustration and anger every time I see my mother in law and that's not the way I wanna feel. she makes good money and choose not to do anything.

My family is letting us stay in their house while my grandmother stays at her moms until the unfortunate day she dies. We are living rent free and only pay utilities but my grandma(her house) wants to have a bunch of stuff done. Renovations and what not. At first my GMA didn't want us staying in the master, I got her to let us stay there but she only wants us to stay for a year in the room. And then move to a different room. My husband says they are taking advantage of me because my GMA didn't make my mother and her kids do any of that. My husbands says they keep taking advantage. And I know they do but my family prides on family cpmming first and you just do stuff for them. They've helped me out in the past. I don't know what to do or what to thinn