The very first assistant I hired never made a mistake on my schedule, and my clients loved her because she was so kind with them on the phone. She had great ideas and an ability to find the answer to a problem no matter how long it took. The problem was that it took forever. Everything took forever. Nothing was ever done because she did it over and over to get it just right.  At the same time, she had trouble showing up. Yes, I mean she often didn't come to work. If she couldn't come on time and perfectly ready to work, she didn't come. And anything and everything was an excuse. Her perfectionism made her unable to function. Let go of perfectionism: it is grossly inefficient and could get you fired.

High expectations of yourself and others (and situations!) can keep you anxious by telling you you are inadequate, that things are out of control, and that you cannot handle them. This will start the spin cycle of anxiety. You will get anxious, anxiety will say "See I told you you couldn't do this!" and then more anxiety ensues feeding even more negative self talk. Your confidence goes in the toilet and which gives you more evidence you are a failure at life. Do you want to stop this spin cycle?

Fear deconstructs. Fear is not a marriage builder. Actually, not much messes a marriage up more than fear. Fear has partners withdrawing from each other, getting defensive, talking themselves out of making effort, being down right mean to each other, and looking for love in all the wrong places (What Is a Healthy Relationship?). It can ruin a good thing and make a not so good thing much, much worse.

I was afraid of the dark when I was little, and when I am vulnerable, I still feel the same way. Light gives me the sense that there is hope. It connects me to reality when I feel out of control. Because I can see. And seeing is power.

Last night I woke at 2:45 AM from a nightmare drenched in a cold sweat. In the dream, I was trapped at home with my kids, while something strange was going on outside. We had to hide, lest we be shot at through the windows. The worse part was we weren't quite sure what was happening, so we did not know what to do to stop it. All of my nightmares are similar to this one.  I am in the middle of a war zone, hiding-- knowing that at any minute, I will be found by the enemy.

Flexibility is a main ingredient in countering anxiety Anxiety usually wants us to think that we need something a certain way "or else."  (Not that it tells us what the unsavory consequences are: Anxiety is always vague, never clear. This is how it holds it's power.) So when things don't happen that certain way, darn it, that good-for-nothing Anxiety has us all up in arms. Tied in a knot. Fumbling and immobilized. Discombobulated.

Panic attacks suck the reality out of us! I talked two people down from panic attacks recently and both of them had been worrying that they had lost touch with reality. They felt totally disconnected to the world around them. In talking to them, they were so convincing. I almost believed that this episode was different. But I let go of my own fear for them. (My worry doesn't help anyone.) I quickly assessed that they were not, in fact, psychotic. They were speaking rationally and eloquently. And I remember from my panicky days how I felt different and disconnected.

Have you ever felt like a failure? I totally have. But I am not alone. There is an epidemic of feelings of failure in our country. And failure is so definitive. When you think you failed, there is not much wiggle room to be anything other than "a failure." A horrible way to see yourself! This becomes a belief ingrained and tainting everything else we do and try.

Anxiety feeds evasiveness, meaning anxiety has a way of shooting down the point to everything you want to do. We may want to do something but anxiety makes us see everything as an uncomfortable activity. In our imagination, it seems unpleasant, unenjoyable. We think and we say that we don't want to go. Anxiety makes us feel like there is no point. No point to trying because it is too uncomfortable, or no point because we won't succeed anyway.

I made up "Invalidation Anxiety" two weeks ago, as I wrote Too Anxious To Speak Up? And was fascinated how many people were sparked by my words and left a lively debate in the comment section. We seem to have all been in situations when people have ridiculed or downgraded us. Some readers were adamant that it is a must for our mental health that we should never allow anyone to be mean, take advantage, or criticize us without standing up for ourselves. I totally agree. But my definition of "allow" might be different!