The Fallout: When a Spouse Comes Out

It's a catharsis for McGreevey. But what about those left behind?

(Aug. 23, 2004) -- As Cathy Morton watched Gov. James McGreevey's televised confession last week, she felt drawn to his wife, Dina, who stood at his side with a pained half smile frozen on her face. "I've been there," says Morton, who says she discovered her husband cruising gay Web sites five years ago. "She may not feel lucky now," says Morton, who is now divorcing, "but at least he admitted the truth and took responsibility. That's something."

Few women have to endure the disclosure at a news conference, but Dina Matos McGreevey is hardly alone. Nationwide there are nearly 2 million "straight spouses" whose husbands and wives have come out of the closet, often after decades of marriage, says Amity Pierce Buxton, whose book "The Other Side of the Closet" examines the phenomenon. In most cases, says Buxton, wives or husbands are stunned by the revelation; in about a third, wives or husbands have an inkling that their partner is struggling, but "don't want to face the elephant in the room."

The wave of midlife coming-out crises is explained in large part by growing social acceptance. Gays and lesbians of McGreevey's generation were more likely to conform to the social pressure to marry—especially if they wanted children—than are young homosexuals today. As they approach middle age and watch their kids leave for college, many no longer see a reason to remain in their heterosexual marriages.

But while those coming out can find acceptance, even celebration, in their newfound identities, the partners and children left behind are often devastated. "The gay community is portrayed as courageous, but no one shows the families who are left to pick up the pieces," says Flo Kubes, whose wife left him for a woman in their congregation after 20 years of marriage. Kubes, a pastor in a conservative community in Minnesota, lost his job, he says, as a result (church elders felt the scandal was too distracting). The couple's teenage son was hospitalized for depression. Kubes says he struggled for months to find emotional help before joining Buxton's online support group, the Straight Spouse Network (ssnetwk.org). Many wives of gay husbands are terrified they've been exposed to AIDS. Kathy Rockel, whose husband came out to her shortly before his 50th birthday, says she dreaded telling a clinic worker in her small Colorado town why she needed an AIDS test. (Both spouses tested negative.)

Late last week the chat room was abuzz with speculation—and sympathy—for Dina McGreevey. What did it feel like to hear the truth while standing on a stage? Would she stay—or would she go? Who was helping her while attention was focused on her husband? And there were more than a few invitations for her to log on and find a virtual shoulder to lean on.

© 2004 Newsweek, Inc. By Karen Breslau and Debra Rosenberg



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APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, September 5). The Fallout: When a Spouse Comes Out, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, December 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/gender/depression-and-gender/the-fallout-when-a-spouse-comes-out

Last Updated: October 24, 2015

Homophobia Causes Real Emotional Damage

(July 29, 2004) -- Regina Griggs, executive director of Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays and Gays, sites the work of the National Association of Research and Therapy of Homosexuality and psychiatrist Robert Spitzer to back her claim that gays can be changed to heterosexuals ("Homosexuality needs change, not marriage," July 22). Anyone who believes her claim should read Wayne Besen's new book, "Anything but Straight: Unmasking the Scandals and Lies Behind the Ex-Gay Myth." Besen's four years of well-documented research expose unscientific research, false statistics, and unsuccessful results of "ex-gay ministries" to discredit NARTH and Dr. Spitzer.

Real people are being harmed by the "ex-gay ministries" and the false belief that gays can change their sexual orientation. The American Psychiatric Association says, "The potential risks of 'reparative therapy' are great, including depression, anxiety, and self-destructive behavior." The APA is joined by all the leading medical associations in condemning "ex-gay ministries" as harmful practices that can cause severe emotional damage. In despair some gays resort to suicide after unsuccessful attempts to change and adapt to an adverse society.

Keeping gays in the closet hurts everyone--not just gays. Many marriages end because a gay husband or wife can no longer live a lie. Spouses are devastated. Children are confused. Friends and relatives are enraged from the fallout. I wish that Regina Griggs and others who reinforce homophobia could feel the pain, alienation, and self-hatred that they have caused. Some day I hope they will be held accountable.

Gays have been around for as long as recorded history. Treating them with disdain and intolerance is not going to make them go away. Accept gay people as they are and grant them full human and civil rights. Allow them to live honestly and with dignity and respect. We all benefit when no one is excluded. "Homosexuality is neither mental illness nor moral depravity. It is simply the way a minority of our population expresses human love and sexuality"--American Psychological Association Statement on Homosexuality.

Cris Elkins

 



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APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, September 5). Homophobia Causes Real Emotional Damage, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, December 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/gender/depression-and-gender/homophobia-causes-real-emotional-damage

Last Updated: April 12, 2017

Facing Middle Age and AIDS

With a jangle of bracelets, Patricia Shelton slid her chair in front of the air-conditioner in her daughter's apartment and fluttered her hands to cool her face.

"I swear, some days it's the menopause that gets me, not the H.I.V.," she said.

At 51, what she calls "being H.I.V." never really gets her. She has known she was infected since 1990, "the same time Magic Johnson announced to the world."

She is still on the two-drug regimen she started on, and her viral load is too low to be detected. But she leads workshops for older infected adults, and "I know I am very blessed," she said. "Some of them are on their fourth regimens, get bouts of PCP pneumonia, rashes, herpes, diarrhea."

In her 20's and 30's, she was a "closet heroin addict," keeping a Wall Street secretarial job, raising her children, not losing control. "A lot of us who had a past are happy housewives now, are mothers and grandmothers, are productive members of society," she said.

The infection lingers, but she has proved wrong the doctor who told her in 1990 that she had two years to live.

Although AIDS is thought of as a disease of the young, in the United States it is rapidly becoming one of the middle-aged and even the old. The number of Americans over age 50 infected with the virus that causes AIDS quintupled during the 1990's, "and a conservative estimate would be that there are more than 100,000 now," said Dr. Marcia G. Ory, a professor of public health at Texas A & M University and co-author of a 2003 report for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention on AIDS in older Americans. Unless there is a new explosion of the disease among teenagers, demographers estimate, the majority of cases by the end of the decade will be in people over 50.

In New York City, the curve has moved even further. About 64 percent of the city's cases are over 40 right now, the New York City Department of Health said, and about 25 percent are over 50.

The medical and social ramifications of this shift are already becoming evident, particularly as the cost of care escalates.

"There will be some reality checking very soon," said Dr. Stephen Karpiak, research director at the AIDS Community Research Initiative of America, or Acria, a nonprofit group based in New York that does surveys and clinical trials. "People are already being assigned to nursing homes at age 55. That gets very expensive."

In large part, the changing demographic of the disease is a testament to medical progress. Thanks to a growing armory of antiretroviral drugs and advances in the way secondary infections are fought, the infected live longer. Many have heard from their doctors words that are strangely gratifying: You're getting old, and you'll die of something, but it won't be AIDS.

The increase is also, in part, statistical. Very few newborns now get the virus from their mothers, and very few hemophiliac children get it from blood products, so the average age of the infected has climbed. But there is a countervailing pressure; blood transfusions were once a major cause of AIDS among those over 50, and that risk has all but vanished.

There is also a new pool of cases, those who contract the infection later in life. In a 1999 C.D.C. survey, 44 percent of infected people aged 60 or over did not know how they encountered the virus. Only 30 percent of those under 50 did not.

Dr. Karpiak's team has interviewed 160 infected people over the age of 50 and plans to interview 1,000 more to assess the challenges of treating older patients. The preliminary results uncovered some problems.

For example, 71 percent lived alone. "That really struck me," Dr. Karpiak said. "That's the antithesis of the regular population, where 30 percent live alone."

More than half said they were not dating. Although most had living children, siblings or parents, only 23 percent said they looked to them first for emotional support or for help with chores like going to the store or changing a light bulb. More asked friends, and 26 percent said they relied on themselves or no one.

In Dr. Karpiak's survey, 79 percent said they needed more help with daily tasks like cooking, cleaning and transportation. Depression, inability to get out and forgetfulness about pill-taking may speed their declines.

Gay elderly people often have no children, and former addicts may be estranged from their families. In both groups, many may have already buried most of their old friends.




"That's me," Dr. Karpiak said. "I'm a 57-year-old gay male. My peers are gone. My social network was zapped."

Poverty is another problem. About 60 percent in Dr. Karpiak's survey said they had "just enough money to get by," while another 9 percent said they could not make ends meet.

The city health department said 72 percent of New York's infected over 50 were on Medicaid. While less generous states have waiting lists for people needing help with paying for antiretrovirals, any infected resident of New York City is eligible for a raft of services. The homeless get apartments without having to stay in shelters. Nine centers run by the Momentum Project offer two meals a day, free groceries and subway fare, counseling, job training, and medical and dental care.

For those earning less than $30,000, a diagnosis leads to hospital care under Medicaid and antiretroviral drugs subsidized by the Ryan White Act. Social Security disability payments provide some income. That makes some AIDS patients complain that some of the uninfected are jealous. "People say, 'You've got it made, girl,' " said Helen Hernandez, who lives in the West Farms section of the Bronx. "They say they'd do better if they were infected, and they ask if they can buy your M11Q," she added, naming the city form that confirms the diagnosis.

There are medical challenges in treating this population. Older people take more medications, and drug interactions are magnified by toxic antiretrovirals. Older patients are also more likely to have heart disease or diabetes, and some antiretroviral drugs tend to drive up cholesterol or interfere with the way insulin is metabolized.

Some antiretrovirals strain the liver, and many older people have livers damaged by alcohol and the hepatitis that comes with drug use. And antiretroviral drugs may also exacerbate problems with the peripheral nerves needed for walking or opening jars.

Also, a recent study at the University of California, San Francisco, indicates that aging AIDS patients may have an increased risk of dementia as the virus allows the plaques associated with Alzheimer's disease to accumulate.

Older patients tend to be more forgetful anyway, which is dangerous because each lapse in taking pills on time increases the chances of developing a drug-resistant strain.

Meanwhile, efforts at prevention are complicated. Ms. Shelton said that in the discussions she leads, ignorance about sexual activity was common. Once when she led a group, she said, "People were asking me, 'Do people over 50 have sex?' and I said I gave somebody's dad condoms, and he was 83!"

Public health advertisements promoting condoms are usually aimed at the young, and as Kathleen M. Nokes, a nursing professor at Hunter College and chairwoman of the New York Association on H.I.V. over Fifty has pointed out, a postmenopausal woman cannot use fear of pregnancy to ask a man to use a condom, but "the virus doesn't care how old you are."

To some women, the news that they are infected comes as a shock because they have been faithful to husbands they thought were too.

Also, experts say, older people are less likely to admit to doctors or survey-takers that they engage in homosexual sex or extramarital sex. And doctors are less likely to ask older patients about their sex lives.

Doctors are also more likely to misdiagnose AIDS symptoms in the elderly. Shingles, for example, may be seen as a disease of aging. Night sweats may be written off as a symptom of menopause. AIDS dementia looks like Alzheimer's disease. Pneumocystis pneumonia can be mistaken for congestive heart failure.

Several studies have found that people over 50 are more likely to discover they are infected later than average, when they are severely immuno-compromised. Also, their survival after diagnosis is usually shorter.

A study done in 1992, before antiretroviral drugs were widespread, found that older people typically died within six months of diagnosis, compared with 16 months for younger people. As with flu, deterioration seemed to be faster in the old; specifically, they lose CD-4 immune-system cells faster.

Yet a survey done for the National Institutes of Health in 1997 found that many older patients felt that their arthritis, heart disease and diabetes were greater burdens than their H.I.V. infections. Dr. Karpiak's survey found similar results. Many in it had hepatitis C, nerve damage, arthritis, high blood pressure, diabetes, and vision and hearing problems.

"For a lot of the people we see, AIDS is not the most important thing in their lives," said J. Daniel Stricker, executive director of Acria. "A grandmother in the South Bronx may be taking care of her kids' kids, and be more worried about food and shelter and just getting through the day."

Despite facing serious problems, many older AIDS patients say they are relatively optimistic. In the Acria survey, about two-thirds reported some symptoms of depression, and most had sought treatment for it. Nonetheless, 78 percent said that, over all, they were somewhat or very satisfied with their lives.

Ms. Shelton said she hoped to live as long as one of her aunts. "She was 100-and-something," she said, "and still walking to the store."

New York Times



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APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, September 5). Facing Middle Age and AIDS, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, December 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/gender/depression-and-gender/facing-middle-age-and-aids

Last Updated: October 24, 2015

Some Gays Feel Pushed to Marry Straights New Jersey Governor's Lifestyle Not Uncommon

In an era of ever-expanding gay rights, gay awareness and gay pride, New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey's lifestyle seems antiquated: a gay man twice married to women and the father of two children.

But, say experts and formerly married gay men, pressures to live straight still override sexual orientation. Churches, the corporate world and family relationships continue to push gay men and lesbians into the closet, with a straight spouse as the perfect cover.

"There's an inordinate pressure for people to fit a certain mold," said Mark Shields, spokesman for the Human Rights Campaign in Washington, D.C., the country's largest gay and lesbian organization. Gays "stand against so many things you've been taught implicitly and explicitly from the moment you were born in this culture."

The number of gays or lesbians married to straight spouses is difficult to determine. Currently there are 6,000 to 7,000 active members of the national Straight Spouse Network, said Executive Director Amity Pierce Buxton in El Cerrito.

Buxton has been researching gay/straight marriages and speaking with some 9,000 spouses since the mid-1980s, when her husband came out as gay.

"He led a perfectly straight life, and it nearly killed him," said Buxton, who has two children with him. "He became physically depressed and withdrawn."

Many face similar lifelong struggles in these marriages, which are often based on true affection and respect. Information networks now exist for gay married men, married lesbians, straight partners and their children -- who each face different, painful issues.

"There is still a huge, negative wedge that says being gay or lesbian is sinful," said Bob, a 71-year-old formerly married gay man who asked that his last name not be used. He organized a chapter of the GAMMA (Gay Married Men Association) support group in Grand Rapids, Mich., where about 14 members of the national organization meet twice monthly.

In speaking with hundreds of gay married men through the years, Bob said, he most often hears of two pressures: church and family.

"Their families say, 'When are you going to marry and give me grandchildren?' And their churches look down on being gay" -- some even ask gays to renounce their sexuality or leave the congregation, Bob said.

Others are in professions that don't allow them to be themselves.

"I have clients who are teachers in Catholic schools and physicians very worried about being pegged as gay," said Joanne Fleisher, a licensed clinical social worker in Philadelphia who counsels married women attracted to other women. She's author of the upcoming book "Living Two Lives: A Married Woman's Guide to Coming Out."

The gay rights movement, especially active in recent years, isn't much inspiration to these men and women.

Tom Fronczak, a Providence, R.I., psychotherapist who has counseled gay married men for 17 years, said they generally don't identify with the increased visibility and acceptance of gays.

"They'll say, 'That's not me,' with all the (gay) pride celebrations" and other public pictures of gays, Fronczak said.

He runs the Gay Fathers of Rhode Island support group. During twice- monthly gatherings, men discuss the pull between marriage and fatherhood, and their identity as a gay or bisexual. "They're very conflicted about who they are, versus who they need to be for others," Fronczak said.

He added that he has never met a gay married man who has not been depressed or considered suicide: "These guys are so isolated. ... They feel there is no way out. They feel they are trapped between two worlds."

That's because despite more openness about being gay, it continues to be difficult.

"It is important to remember that only 14 states prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation," said Karen Krahulik, director of the Center for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Life at Duke University. "So far this year, 99 marriage-related bills have been introduced in 37 states, 91 of them to restrict gay marriage."

Some who work with married gays are cautiously optimistic that the younger generation of gays won't have to marry into the straight world.

"Hopefully it's dying out with old duffers like me," said Bob of Grand Rapids.

Shields, with the Human Rights Campaign, added, "One of the best ways gay people can help that is by living their lives out and open and honestly, so gay kids growing up today can see those happy role models. That is how change happens."

Dru Sefton, Michele M. Melendez, Newhouse News Service



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APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, September 5). Some Gays Feel Pushed to Marry Straights New Jersey Governor's Lifestyle Not Uncommon, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, December 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/gender/depression-and-gender/some-gays-feel-pushed-to-marry-straights-new-jersey-governors-lifestyle-not-uncommon

Last Updated: October 24, 2015

Depression and Mental Health Emerge as Major Concerns for the Community

Community Health Survey Reveals Top Concern of Gay Men and Lesbians

A health survey conducted by K-Y Brand® Liquid at the Millennium March on Washington revealed that and mental health are among the most serious health concerns for gay men and lesbians. depression

Depression and mental health topped a list of health concerns that included, among other things, HIV/AIDS, , heart disease, aging and eating disorders. In fact, the issue of depression and mental health was the number one concern for lesbians and the number one concern for gay men after HIV/AIDS. drug use

"Depression and mental health are serious issues for the gay and lesbian community," said Dr. Stephen Goldstone, a physician who operates a predominantly gay practice in New York City. "This survey helps shed light on a problem that has long existed, but has received little attention."

Almost 75 percent of the respondents to the survey believe that depression is more common among gay men and lesbians than in the general population. Goldstone noted that it's no surprise that gay men and lesbians identified depression and mental health as a major concern, given the daily challenges that they face. Living openly or closeted each bring their own pressures that can affect a person's health and it can stem from a sense of isolation that so many feel, he said.

The problem of depression may also be heightened or caused by an individual's behavior, added Goldstone. For example, the degree to which someone uses illegal drugs or consumes alcohol can affect his or her mental health. Interestingly, these issues also ranked high as health concerns among gay and lesbian respondents.

A significant finding from the survey was the common use of "party drugs" among gay male respondents. Nearly 40 percent of gay men surveyed at the Millennium March said that "party drugs," such as cocaine, special K, crystal, ecstasy and GHB, are used at least once a month or more among their close circle of friends. On a positive note, an almost equal number, more than 38 percent, said that "party drugs" are never used among their close circle of friends.

Also significant was the finding that lesbians ranked alcohol abuse as their second highest health concern for the community after depression and mental health. More than 30 percent of gay men reported the same concern.

"What we are seeing is that mental and behavioral health are among the most pressing concerns for gay men and lesbians," said Goldstone. "Medical professionals need to recognize that these issues should be an integral part of any patient evaluation and they should treat patients accordingly. Gay and lesbian health is more than just sexual practices."

Other findings of the survey include:

· More than 70 percent of lesbians and more than 60 percent of gay men have sought or are actively considering mental health counseling.

· When asked where LGBT health organizations should focus their attention in the year 2000 and beyond, respondents identified depression as their #1 choice after HIV/AIDS.

· Seventy-five percent of those surveyed believe that drug, alcohol and tobacco addiction are greater in the gay community than in the general public.

· Almost 90 percent of gay men believe that "party drugs" are a threat to the health of the community.

· Almost 40 percent of gay men surveyed said that a partner has pressured them to have unprotected or unsafe sex.

· Nearly one in four respondents reported having been struck or hit by a boyfriend or girlfriend. (In many instances, gay and lesbian victims of domestic violence receive fewer protections than heterosexuals under various state laws and have fewer support services available to them, according to the American Bar Association. The fear of being "outed," or perceived law enforcement bias, may also limit reporting.)

· More than 83 percent of gay men and lesbians surveyed feel it is important or very important to have a gay or gay-friendly physician.

The vast majority of gay men and lesbians who completed the survey were out to family and close friends 97.6 percent and 86.3 percent, respectively. And more than 72 percent reported that their doctor knows they are gay.

"In light of the findings on depression and mental health, it's very encouraging to see such a large number of people living openly and honestly," said Goldstone. "Events such as the Millennium March and gay pride celebrations can play a crucial role in the development of a positive self-image. Gay men and lesbians need to know that they are not alone."

The K-Y Brand® Liquid Community Health Survey was conducted over a two-day period at the Millennium March in Washington, DC and asked respondents for their opinions on a wide range of health-related issues, including their personal health concerns, concerns for the health of the community and the future direction of gay and lesbian health care.

More than 1,200 gay men and lesbians were surveyed for the K-Y Brand® Liquid Community Health Survey. It is the third in a series of surveys targeting the gay and lesbian community conducted by K-Y Brand® Liquid. The first survey dealt with HIV/AIDS. The second explored the community's knowledge, attitudes and opinions about sexually transmitted diseases.


 

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APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, September 5). Depression and Mental Health Emerge as Major Concerns for the Community, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, December 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/gender/depression-and-gender/depression-and-mental-health-emerge-as-major-concerns-for-the-community

Last Updated: April 17, 2021

Depression and GLBT Issues Homepage

In the process of discovering your sexual orientation, there are many feelings you may experience as you develop self- acceptance. Because the world is still relatively hostile and prejudice towards gays and lesbians, it is not uncommon to feel confused, isolated, lonely, guilty or depressed. Unfortunately, many societies make people hide their homosexuality and as a result they end up living double lives and denying who they really are. Experiencing these feelings is normal. However, some feelings like depression, low self-esteem and suicidal thoughts indicate you need some professional help learning to accept your homosexuality.

Millions of Americans, both gay and straight, transgender and non-transgender, have emotional or psychological problems of some sort during their lives. While we know that homosexuality, bisexuality, and transgender identity are not mental illnesses, the stresses caused by society's negative messages, condemnation, and violence can sometimes result in depression and other types of emotional difficulties for GLBT persons.

Depression and GLBT Issues

Depression Treatment

The treatment of mood disorders is not a simple matter. It is not so simple as diagnosing depression and writing a prescription for Zoloft or Effexor. The individual causes of depression are diverse and poorly understood. The antidepressant medications used to treat it are just as diverse and matching a drug with an individual is not a clear cut decision. Individual symptoms, co-existing illness, tolerance of side-effects, and other medications previously tried are just a few factors that must be considered.

In this section on abuse and depression, you'll find a few articles on treatment.

For the most comprehensive information about Depression and Treatment, visit our Depression Community Center at HealthyPlace.com.

 



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APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, September 5). Depression and GLBT Issues Homepage, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, December 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/gender/depression-and-gender/depression-and-glbt-issues

Last Updated: October 24, 2015

Inside Intersexuality Sitemap

Introduction

Frequently Asked Questions

Articles



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~ all articles on gender

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, August 22). Inside Intersexuality Sitemap, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, December 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/gender/inside-intersexuality/inside-intersexuality-sitemap

Last Updated: March 14, 2016

Pain And Sorrow

Pain And Sorrow This life is filled with pain and sorrow, I always wonder if I'll make it through tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do, I'm always missing missing and missing you. I think about the joy, laughter, and tears, and try not to have any fears. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, But once again I start thinking about your death. You know you will always be in my heart, But it is slowly cracking and breaking apart. I always loved having you near, and now I wish you were still here. Why couldn't god give me one more day with my Bub my Hero my guardian angel that's now up above. I love and miss my Bub... Truly, Your Bub

APA Reference
(2008, August 20). Pain And Sorrow, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, December 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/support-blogs/support-blogs/Pain-And-Sorrow

Last Updated: January 14, 2014

Sex Conference Transcripts Table of Contents

  1. Alternative Sexual Practices
    Guest: Randy Chelsey, MFT

  2. Reclaiming Your Sexuality
    Guest: Sex Therapist, Linda Savage, Ph.D.

  3. Sexual Addiction
    Guest: Dr. Phillip Sharp

  4. Sexual Issues and Sex Questions
    Guest: Dr. Marlene Shiple

 


continue story below


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APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, August 18). Sex Conference Transcripts Table of Contents, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, December 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/sex/transcripts/sex-conference-transcripts-toc

Last Updated: March 30, 2017