An essay on blessings that came from serving others and finding purpose in your life.

An Excerpt from BirthQuake: A Journey to Wholeness

In a small coastal village in eastern Maine, there lives a woman who is as at peace with her life as anyone I've ever met. She is slender and delicately boned with innocent eyes and long gray hair. Her home is a small, weathered, gray cottage with big windows that look out over the Atlantic Ocean. I see her now in my mind's eye, standing in her sunlit kitchen. She's just taken molasses muffins out of the oven, and the water is warming on the old stove for tea. Music is playing softly in the background. There are wild flowers on her table and potted herbs on the sideboard beside the tomatoes she's picked from her garden. From the kitchen, I can see the book- lined walls of her sitting room and her old dog snoozing on the faded Oriental rug. There are sculptures scattered here and there of whales and dolphins; of the wolf and coyote; of the eagle and the crow. Hanging plants grace the corners of the room, and a huge yucca tree stretches up towards the skylight. It is a home that contains one human being and a multitude of other living things. It's a place that once entered, becomes difficult to leave.

She first came to coastal Maine in her early forties, when her hair was deep brown and her shoulders stooped. She has remained here walking straight and tall for the past 22 years. She felt defeated when she first arrived. She had lost her only child to a fatal automobile accident, her breasts to cancer, and her husband four years later to another woman. She confided that she'd come here to die and had learned, instead, how to live.

When she first arrived, she hadn't slept a whole night through since the death of her daughter. She would pace the floors, watch television, and read until two or three in the morning when her sleeping pills finally took effect. Then she would rest at last until lunchtime. Her life felt meaningless, each day and night just another test of her endurance. "I felt like a worthless lump of cells and blood and bone, just wasting space," she remembers. Her only promise of deliverance was the stash of pills that she kept tucked away in her top drawer. She planned to swallow them at summer's end. With all of the violence of her life, she would at least die in a gentle season.

"I would walk on the beach every day. I'd stand in the frigid ocean water and concentrate on the pain in my feet; eventually, they'd go numb and wouldn't hurt anymore. I wondered why there was nothing in the world that would numb my heart. I put on a lot of miles that summer, and I saw how beautiful the world still was. That just made me more bitter at first. How dare it be so beautiful, when life could be so ugly. I thought it was a cruel joke -- that it could be so beautiful and yet so terrible here at the same time. I hated a great deal then. Just about everybody and everything was abhorrent to me.

I remember sitting on the rocks one day and along came a mother with a small child. The little girl was so precious; she reminded me of my daughter. She was dancing around and around and talking a mile a minute. Her mother seemed to be distracted and wasn't really paying attention. There it was, the bitterness again. I resented this woman who had this beautiful child and had the indecency to ignore her. (I was very quick to judge back then.) Anyway, I watched the little girl playing and I began to cry and cry. My eyes were running, and my nose was running, and there I sat. I was a little surprised. I had thought I'd used up all of my tears years ago. I hadn't wept in years. Thought I was all dried up and out. Here they were though, and they began to feel good. I just let them come and they came and came.

I started meeting people. I didn't really want to because I still hated everybody. These villagers are an interesting lot though, awfully hard to hate. They're plain and simple- talking people and they just sort of reel you in without even seeming to pull at your line. I started to receive invitations to this and that, and finally I accepted one to attend a potluck supper. I found myself laughing for the first time in years at a man who seemed to love to make fun of himself. Maybe it was the mean streak I still had, laughing at him, but I don't think so. I think I was charmed by his attitude. He made so many of his trials seem humorous.

I went to church the following Sunday. I sat there and waited to get angry as I heard this fat man with soft hands talking about God. What did he know of heaven or of hell? And yet, I didn't get mad. I started to feel kind of peaceful as I listened to him. He spoke of Ruth. Now I knew very little about the Bible, and this was the first time I had heard about Ruth. Ruth had suffered greatly. She had lost her husband and left behind her homeland. She was poor and worked very hard gathering fallen grain in the fields of Bethlehem to feed herself and her mother-in-law. She was a young woman with a very strong faith for which she was rewarded. I had no faith and no rewards. I longed to believe in the goodness and existence of God, but how could I? What kind of a God would allow such terrible things to happen? It seemed simpler to accept that there was no God. Still, I kept going to church. Not because I believed. I just liked to listen to the stories that were told in such a gentle voice by the minister. I liked the singing, too. Most of all, I appreciated the peacefulness I felt there. I began to read the Bible and other spiritual works. I found so many of them to be filled with wisdom. I didn't like the Old Testament; I still don't. Too much violence and punishment for my taste, but I loved the Psalms and the Songs of Solomon. I found great comfort in the teachings of the Buddha, too. I began to meditate and to chant. Summer had led to fall, and I was still here, my pills safely hidden away. I still planned to use them, but I wasn't in such a hurry.

I had lived most of my life in the southwest where the changing of seasons is a very subtle thing compared to the transformations that take place in the northeast. I told myself that I would live to watch the seasons unfold before departing from this earth. Knowing I would die soon enough (and when I chose) brought me some comfort. It also inspired me to look very closely at things I had been oblivious to for so long. I watched the heavy snowfalls for the first time, believing that this would also be my last, as I would not be here to see them the next winter. I had always had such beautiful and elegant clothes (I had been raised in an upper middle-class family where appearances were of the utmost importance). I cast them off in exchange for the comfort and warmth of wool, flannel and cotton. I began to move about in the snow more easily now and found my blood invigorated by the cold. My body grew stronger as I shoveled snow. I began sleeping deeply and well at night and was able to throw my sleeping pills away (not my deadly stash though).

I met a very bossy woman who insisted that I help her with her various humanitarian projects. She taught me to knit for the poor children as we sat in her delicious smelling kitchen surrounded often by her own 'grandbabies'. She scolded me into accompanying her to the nursing home where she read and ran errands for the elderly. She arrived one day at my home armed with a mountain of wrapping paper and demanded that I help her wrap gifts for the needy. I usually felt angry and invaded by her. Whenever I could, I pretended at first not to be at home when she came calling. One day, I lost my temper and called her a busybody and stormed out of the house. A few days later, she was back in my dooryard. When I opened my door, she plopped down at the table, told me to make her a cup of coffee, and behaved as if nothing had happened. We never did speak of my temper tantrum in all of our years together.

We became the best of friends, and it was during that first year that she rooted herself into my heart, that I began to come alive. I absorbed the blessings that came from serving others, just as my skin had gratefully absorbed the healing bag of balm I had been given by my friend. I began to rise early in the morning. All of the sudden, I had much to do in this life. I watched the sunrise, feeling privileged and imagining myself to the one of the first to see it appear as a resident now in this northern land of the rising sun.

I found God here. I don't know what his or her name is, and I don't really care. I only know that there is a magnificent presence in our universe and in the next one and the next after that. My life has a purpose now. It's to serve and to experience pleasure - it"s to grow, and to learn and to rest and to work and to play. Each day is a gift to me, and I enjoy them all (some certainly less than others) in the company of people whom I've come to love at times, and at other times in solitude. I recall a verse I read somewhere. It says, 'Two men look out through the same bars: one sees mud, and one the stars.' I choose to gaze at the stars now, and I see them everywhere, not only in the darkness but in the daylight too. I threw out the pills that I was going to use to do myself in long ago. They'd turned all powdery anyway. I will live as long and as well as I am permitted to, and I will be thankful for every moment I am on this earth."

I carry this woman in my heart wherever I go now. She offers me great comfort and hope. I would dearly love to possess the wisdom, strength and peace which she has acquired during her lifetime. We walked, she and I, on the beach three summers ago. I felt such wonder and contentment at her side. When it was time for me to return home, I glanced down and noticed how our footprints had converged in the sand. I hold that image within me still; of our two separate sets of footprints united for all time in my memory.

next: Faith

Chapter 91 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works

by Adam Khan

I REMEMBER READING ABOUT an ingenious experiment on how hard it is to change people's minds after they've already formed an opinion. The researchers took people who believed in the death penalty and people who didn't, and showed them studies on the subject. Some studies were comparisons between two states of the U.S., one with the death penalty and one without, and how their crime rate differed. Other studies showed before and after crime rates of states who either did or didn't have the death penalty and then changed.

The experimenters discovered that no matter which of the studies they showed people, their opinions did not change! Not only that, but whether they were for or against the death penalty, these people, all of whom viewed the same studies, became even more convinced of their original opinion. To all of them, the studies only reinforced their already existing opinions. What they did was find flaws - legitimate in most cases - in the studies, which gave them a good reason not to change their opinion. But they only criticized the study that did not support their opinion and they praised the study that did, pointing out all the (again, legitimate) reasons the study was a good one. But nobody changed their opinion.

This probably doesn't surprise you. Most of us realize that people don't like to change their opinions, and that they skew their perception of the events of the world to support their own opinions, and tend to criticize or be skeptical of unsupportive events.

Now here's the point: People also do that with their opinions of you. When you first meet someone, they size you up and form an opinion about you. If you are cranky the first time you meet someone, they will tend to think of you as a grumpy person. If you are not grumpy the next time they see you, they usually won't think to themselves, "Oh, I was mistaken." No. They will think to themselves, "Oh, Mister Grumpy must have gotten some exceptionally good news today." They will discount it if it is inconsistent with their first impression of you.

That's why it often takes a long time to change someone's first impression - and why it's important to make a good one when you have a chance.

Try to make a good first impression.

Three simple techniques for improving your reading speed.
Speedy Reading

How to enjoy your work more, ultimately get paid more, and feel more secure on the job.
Thousand-Watt Bulb

Make your boss a great person to work for.
The Samurai Effect

The classic method of solving problems.
The Shortest Distance

Here's a way to make your work more enjoyable.
Play the Game

One way to be promoted at work and succeed on the job may seem entirely unrelated to your actual tasks or purpose at work.
Vocabulary Raises

This is a simple technique to allow you to get more done
without relying on time-management or willpower.
Forbidden Fruits

next: Make Your Own Labels

Part 8: Using Affirmations

Affirmations are an important aspect of success in ending a lifetime of overeating and many other unwanted behaviors.

A full month of following a new behavior is necessary to begin to establish new patterns and change a habit or mindset.

The new affirmation behavior in your Triumphant Journey is to say selected affirmations out loud three times every morning.

Repeating personally relevant affirmations on a regular basis for a month can help free your mind of negative thinking. Your thinking and sense of yourself can then begin to grow and expand in a healthy creative way. Stating affirmations can also help you accept your continually developing strengths and self-knowledge.

This section contains 134 affirmations. Choose which ideas seem most appropriate for you.

Choose affirmations if after reading them you think:

"If I really believed that, my life would be a lot better."

"I wish my life were like that."

"That's too good to be true."

Method: Choose one, three or five affirmations.

Read them out loud every morning three times.

1) Read out loud once as you stand in one place. This prepares your inner self to receive the affirmation.

2) Read out loud once as you walk around a room or outdoor area. This helps ground the meaning into your body and also makes the thought and feeling familiar and comfortable in particular and different environments.

3) Read out loud once in front of a mirror, looking at your reflection as you speak.This helps you see yourself listening and helps you accept the strength and awareness you are giving yourself.

Do this every morning for one month.

At the end of one month, add new affirmations to you list. You may subtract any affirmations you did the preceding month. Or, you may continue on with any of them. You will have a sense of what you need to do as you become engaged in the process.

Here is a list of 134 affirmations from which to choose. Feel free to add to your personal list at any time.

Affirmations
Know Thyself - Nothing in Excess

1. I happily nourish my body and receive full satisfaction from moderate meals daily.
2. I welcome all my feelings knowing they guide me to my true self.
3. I deserve love and respect as I am.
4. I enjoy excellent health.
5. I have abundant energy.
6. I enjoy the colors, smells, and feel of life around me.
7. I am confident in the workings of my mind.
8. I am trustworthy. I can rely on me.
9. I say "yes" only when I mean it.
10. I say "no" when I feel it and mean it.
11. I am efficient and creative in my work.
12. I have ample time to relax and enjoy life.
13. I am lovable.
14. I delight in learning. I take classes and read books on subjects new to me.
15. I invite friends to join me in simple pleasures.
16. I read aloud from my Triumpant Journey Journal and accept all my experiences as valid.
17. I learn more about my value and inner life every day.
18. I honor my mind, my body and my spirit every day.
19. I give myself respect and encouragement to grow as a kind and loving person.
20. I stand up for what I believe.
21. I am honest to myself and other people.
22. I know how to care for myself.
23. I can forgive.
24. I can love.
25. I am free.
26. I am getting better and better in every way.
27. Creativity is a blessing I accept.
28. I am generous with my creativity, myself and others.
29. I tolerate my feelings, think, decide and then act or not act in the best interest of all concerned, caring for myself and my loved ones.
30. I accept God/Goddess's help unfolding my life.
31. Courage unifies me.
32. I know what I know.
33. I shift from a limiting mental state to a limitless mental state easily and consistently.
34. I can find peace in myself.
35. I know when to let go and move on.
36. I explore where my creativity and bliss lead me.
37. I use anxiety to create.
38. I get adequate rest, exercise and nourishment.
39. I love my firends and family.
40. My friends and family love me.

Affirmations 41 - 134

41. Timely right action and correct conduct are my only true protection.
42. I attract large sums of money.
43. I stay on task: new tasks and old tasks.
44. I attract healthy, honest people into my life.
45. I am grateful to God/Goddess and people.
46. I am glad to be healthy and alive.
47. I exult in the success of others.
48. I keep my word to others.
49. I am handsome.
50. I keep my word to myself.
51. I expect the best.
52. I contribute to the happiness of others.
53. I follow through.
54. I ask for what I want.
55. I help others fulfill their goals.
56. I honor my integrity and the integrity of others.
57. I say clearly and wholeheartedly my yes and no.
58. I accept other people's way of using their personally developed healing and sustaining tools.
59. I accept others as they are.
60. I love.
61. I am thriving. The best is here for me to call into existence now.
62. I turn knowledge into positive action.
63. I share my goals.
64. I find my learning.
65. I share my tasks.
66. I share my dreams.
67. I let others help.
68. I am adult.
69. I am open
70. I let others know my life.
71. I let others in my life.
72. I tolerate others' anger and disappointment. I maintain the relationshiop and my course of action.
73. I create opportunities.
74. Wherever possible I turn negatives into positives.
75. I am glad to be publicly accountable.
76. I stay on task.
77. I am paid very well in money and respect.
78. I am lean, sexy and strong.
79. I am willing to succeed.
80. I believe my deep knowing.
81. I offer what I know in terms people can understand.
82. I am beautiful.
83. People are glad to be with me.
84. I attend to practical, concrete matters.
85. I make amends as soon as possible.
86. I make amends promptly with a steady presence.
87. I take timely right action and engage in correct conduct.
88. I live in an endless sequences of now moments.
89. I discard outmoded relationships including outmoded relaltionships with myself.
90. I create my future in now moments.
91. I am careful to honor my schedule and responsibilites.
92. I am clear amd calm.
93. People in my life are present for our mututal learning.
94. I treat humiliation as a teacher that helps me get my priorities straight - friends, family, community.
95. I follow up on my projecgts.
96. I interact with new people.
97. I succeed where I put my efforts.
98. I think the thoughts that will produce happiness in this situation.
99. I manage large and small sums of money well.
100. I speak what I know from my heart.
101. I trust people to be here for me.
102. People are glad to support me.
103. People are glad to love me.
104. People are glad to give me what I need.
105. People are glad to accept me.
106. People are glad to pay me.
107. I am smart.
108. I am creative.
109. I am desirable.
110. I am quick-witted.
111. I am healthy.
112. I am a good age to be.
113. I am attractive.
114. I take adequate action.
115. I am strong and calm.
116. I am playful and competent.
117. I am humble.
118. I care for myself.
119. I am finding my way in this new world.
120. I am creating opportunity.
121. I am winning by doing this exercise.
122. I am getting better and better in every way.
123. I forgive everyone I believe has wronged me.
124. I am temperate and courteous.
125. I forgive myself for all the hurts I have inflicted on myself.
126. I am open to receive and welcome love.
127. I am open to receive, welcome and return committed love.
128. I am creating a solid career that brings joy and satisfaction to me and the people I serve.
129. I contain my feelings, and think about what I am feeling and doing.
130. I am rooted in the soil of right action.
131. I deserve only success.
132. I am healthy.
133. I am prosperous and happy.
134. I breathe, enjoy, am honest, listen, learn, ask for what I want, follow my bliss and my honor. The rest unfolds as it is.

end of part 8

next: Part Nine: Forms Of Help Beyond Triumphant Journey Cyberguide
~ all triumphant journey articles
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

Making Peace with Food

Women have related intimately with food since time began, as feeders and nurturers, harvesters, gatherers, and cooks. But in recent decades, this relationship has grown troubled. It can be said, in fact, that very few women today feel completely comfortable with food, eating, and the bodies their diets should nourish. Research has confirmed what any of us could have guessed - it actually is the norm in this country for women to be dissatisfied with their bodies, to worry about how much they eat, and to believe they should be dieting. What does this mean, and can we change it?

Thinking in the worst possible terms, this mindset implies that eating disorders, some of which are life-threatening and most of which are soul-torturing, are here to stay. Although the modern quest for thinness does not, in and of itself, automatically lead to eating disorders, dieting does precede most eating disorders. Consequently, this could also mean that the diet industry will continue to thrive while women who are not skinny will continue to feel depressed or inadequate.

Thinking a little more optimistically, we could anticipate an increasing awareness of the dangers posed by our diet-obsessed culture. More people could be alerted to the roots and results of ongoing body dissatisfaction and frequent dieting. In fact, such things are beginning to occur. Many individual women, however, continue to feel drained of at least some self-esteem and creative energy as a result of remaining fixed on the elusive goals of a perfect body and perfectly-regulated (never gluttonous) eating.

Understanding eating disorders as well as more "normal" kinds of unhappiness with eating and the body challenges us. These are complex matters that touch on our emotions, our physiology, our family histories, and our social and political context. This article lays a groundwork that will serve to help us achieve this understanding - and start, I hope, to help us make peace with food, our natural hungers, and the amazing bodies we are fortunate to possess.

I do not mean to exclude men from these discussions. I do, however, address these words to women directly, as women have much higher rates of eating disorders, as well as lesser forms of body dissatisfaction. Many men do suffer from similar ailments, though, and all are certainly invited to read, talk back in future chat rooms, and to ask their questions.

Defining Eating Disorders

People often wonder, when does "normal" dieting, or "normal" overeating, stop being normal and cross the line into an eating disorder? It is important to recognize that many, many people suffer from conflicted relationships with their eating. However, there are degrees of suffering and degrees of danger to health, with clinically diagnosable eating disorders inflicting the most of each. Eating disorders assume a few different forms.

Anorexia Nervosa is a condition in which a person literally starves the body of the nutrients it needs. People with anorexia often claim they are not hungry, strive to eat very little (even to the point of counting out flakes of cereal or individual grapes), and have an exaggerated, irrational fear of becoming fat. The fear of fat exists despite actual body size; in fact, the person afflicted may be very skinny or even skeletal. To be diagnosed with anorexia, one must be 15% below normal weight.

Common behaviors include denial of how serious the condition is, secretiveness about how much has been eaten, the wearing of baggy clothes to hide thinness, avoidance of social events where food will be present, and obsessions with cooking or feeding food to others. In women, menstruation stops. Physical symptoms can include hair loss, skin dryness, temperature deregulation (feeling cold all the time), brittle nails, sleeplessness, hyperactivity, the development of obsessions, and the development of soft, baby-like hair on the body called "lanuga." Some people who self-starve will occasionally binge eat and then get rid of the "damage" by purging or overexercising. People who are underweight and undereating to the point of anorexia also distort information and perception (as part of the disorder, not necessarily on purpose), so that no amount of "talking sense" - listing health dangers, noting the person's boniness - seems to make a difference.

Bulimia Nervosa refers to the condition in which large quantities of food are consumed in a way that feels out-of-control and is not normal for the situation (for instance, eating a lot at Thanksgiving is not necessarily binging). The food binge can consist of thousands of calories, most often carbohydrates and fats. The person ingesting all this food then tries to get rid of it by vomiting, overexercising, taking laxatives, or some other means. A person with bulimia can be normal, below normal, or overweight. Menstruation does not necessarily stop, although it can.

Eating is usually done in isolation, and the individual often feels very ashamed and out-of-control with this behavior. Like an addictive substance, however, the food binge is often looked forward to and protected by the person as a source of short-term relief or good feelings. People with bulimia usually fear getting fat, as in anorexia. They can develop dental problems, throat irritations, swelling around the base of the jaw, lesions in the esophagus, gastrointestinal problems, and heart problems (including heart emergencies) from electrolyte imbalance or the use of Ipecac to induce vomiting.

Binge eating disorder involves eating in quantities similar to bulimia, but the purging afterward does not occur. People with binge eating disorder are more likely to be overweight than those with bulimia, but are not always so. Health problems are usually fewer than those found in the other eating disorders, although individuals can be at risk for those conditions associated with high calorie and fat intake generally.

Less common forms of clinical eating disorder involve variations on the themes already discussed. For example, some people purge what they eat even if it wasn't a binge or large amount of food. Some people develop the behaviors and thinking of the anorexic, but may be overweight or may not have stopped menstruating.

While all of the eating disorders carry health risks, anorexia has the highest mortality rate and the highest risk of sudden death (from electrolyte imbalance or bradycardia, an unusually low heart rate). Anorexia is less common than bulimia and most often afflicts women beginning at age 13 through the early 20s. People usually develop bulimia somewhat later, around age 15 or 16 through the early 30s. Men, as well as women who are older or younger than these ages, can also develop these syndromes.

I hope this article will help people to begin thinking about their own relationships with food and how they might like to change them. Your questions and comments are, of course, always welcomed.

next: Persistent Perfectionists: The Idea of Perfection Remains Even After Eating Disorders Treatment
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

Introduction

Topics Include:

• kinds of overeaters
• benefits of moderate eating
• dilemmas for the overeater
• personal tools needed
• how secrets relate to overeating
• affirmations

Special Exercises to:

• stop overeating
• increase inner strength
• discover secrets
• develop self respect

Introduction 1 - Idea for Triumphant Journey Begins

In 1991, I was cohosting a radio talk show concerning health issues with Tamiko in Beverly Hills, California. She asked me to write a brief "Ten Tips to Stop Overeating" that we could offer our listeners. Her idea was a card that people could tack on a refrigerator door.

I liked the idea of writing something simply and clearly that would help people understand how to stop overeating. But the subject is too complex for me to boil down to a card on a refrigerator door. I wish I could.

A refrigerator and snack cupboard card that might help would simply say, "Look in the exercise section of Triumphant Journey before you reach for non-essential food. You might find a better way to resolve your feelings and clear up your thinking than eating right now."

I thought of my own eating disorder history, of bingeing and throwing up for may years in secret, long before bulimia had a name. I remembered all the useless, self-deceiving and sometimes dangerous devices I used in my attempts to stop. I remembered my guilt, my growing sense of failure and despair, my loneliness and my stalwart attempts to look good. And finally, I remember accepting that my behavior would kill me. I lived believing that I would die in six months. I had no visions of any future for me and so never made long range plans that involved years of commitment.

Today, I know that bulimia was my greatest teacher. Moving through the despair of my eating disorder into a life of health, freedom and continual opportunity was and continues to be my Triumphant Journey.

I wanted to share the essence of the healing journey with my patients and especially to the people still trapped in lonely despairing eating disorders that can erode a soul.

The seeds of this book first sprouted in an article called, "Ten Tips to Stop Overeating," published by Resource Publications in Winter, 1991. In the Spring of 1992, Resources published my follow-up article, "Triumphant Journey: Understanding the Secrets of Overeating and Binge Behavior."

The many letters of appreciation I received from people struggling alone with their overeating moved and inspired me. I tried again to describe what I find to be the most helpful guidelines in addressing tenacious overeating. This book and this site at HealthPlace.com is growing out of those articles.

Overview

Part One: This section gives you some background about Joanna Poppink and explains why most diet programs don't work.

Part Two: Part Two helps you discover if you are an overeater and explores some rewards of being free from an eating disorder.

It describes what powerful emotional and life challenges must be confronted as your eating patterns become appropriate to your health and well being.

It describes personal qualities in your Essential Equipment List that are necessary in your journey to be free of overeating.

Part Three: Designed to help you stop overeating. By following this guide you can improve your relationship with food and yourself. You can begin to address the source of your need to overeat and develop more satisfying and useful ways of thinking and behaving. Part Three prepares you for doing the deep work described in Part Seven.

Part Four: Provides specific information about underlying issues in eating disorders.

It discusses how secrets relate to overeating, how those secrets can cause pain in your life today and how those secrets may have developed.

Part Five: Describes and discusses a childhood incident which helps clarify how secrets can help create and maintain eating disorders.

Part Six: By means of 20 questions, helps you discover if you have secrets in your life which may govern your overeating.

Part Seven: Describes the heart of your program to be free of your eating disorder. Here you will find preparatory exercises and an Action Plan. These will take you through the deep work of discovering secrets that can compel you to overeat. It shows you how to create and use a personal support and workbook system that will guide you through your personal recovery work.

Part Eight: Shows you how to use affirmations and gives you a list of 134 affirmations to choose from in your personal work.

Part Nine: Suggests additional sources of help for people with eating disorders.

Tragedy in Overeating: Answers that Don't Work

The addictive nature of overeating, the anguish, the memory blanks, the inability to stop, the constant search for new diets, the emotional highs of losing weight and the guilt and shame of gaining it back seems to be consistent and rampant in our culture.

I found myself frustrated that many people looked for an answer in diet and exercise programs. I got angry that desperate frightened people were being promised answers via diets and exercise programs.

Reasonable diet and exercise programs, if followed consistently, help provide a person with health and strength. But when programs completely bypass such underlying issues of eating disorders, the programs are doomed to fail.

The tragedy is that often the person doesn't know it was the program that failed. The person with the eating disorder, already racked with guilt and self-punishing thoughts, is certain that he or she was the failure. This only perpetuates despair.

It's more apparent than ever that overeating and other related behaviors (starving, compulsive exercise to work off calories, purging through laxatives or vomiting, bizarre eating rituals) are attempts to soothe emotional pain.

Most current research acknowledges that underlying causes of overeating are complex and profound. Yet people still search for and are being offered diets as answers.

Personal Rewards in Freedom From Food Tyranny

Your journey to freedom from overeating is not easy. Looking at the rewards you will reap can help sustain you when the going gets tough. As your emotional dependency on food diminishes, you will discover these changes in your life.

• You improve relationships.
• You are more sensitive and attentive to yourself and others.
• You enjoy others more and they enjoy you.
• You become physically more attractive.
  • For example:
    • Swollen glands shrink.
    • Glazed eyes become clear and alert.
    • Hair develops a healthy sheen.
    • Physical movements become more coordinated and graceful.
• You may be safer.
  • You reduce or end your late night trips to grocery stores or fast food places which may put you in a vulnerable position.
  • You reduce the chances of being in car accidents, from fender benders to major accidents. Such accidents can result when you, the driver, are distracted by food thoughts or by bingeing in the car.
• You have more time for people and activities when you use the energy you previously put into food and eating toward something else.
• You are more creative and productive.
• You are able to think more clearly.
• You have more energy for projects you may have considered unreachable dreams.
• You save money. You spend less on food.
• Emotionally you have more experiences of self confidence, peace and joy.
• You feel more alive.

next: Part Two: Are You An Overeater? A Check List
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~ eating disorders library
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Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

For me, Step Ten is about accountability.

I am an accountable and a responsible adult. With God's help, I am striving to make healthy choices I am also learning to take responsibility for my choices.

As I continue living the program, I am daily monitoring my attitudes and actions. I am daily learning more about God and God's will for my life. Hence, I am daily learning more about myself.

As I grow and develop, I uncover new facets of myself, my personality, and my attitudes that need to be addressed. Sometimes I find qualities that need to be strengthened; sometimes I discover additional character flaws that need to be eliminated.

Some days, new situations shed light on areas that were previously dark to me. Some times I realize God has waited until this certain moment to reveal some aspect of myself that I was, until that moment, unready or unwilling to examine.

Daily, I take an inventory of myself. I am accountable to God, to myself, and to my fellow human beings. When I am wrong, I admit it. I don't make excuses. I don't try to cover up. I don't try to minimize. I don't try to rationalize. I simply admit that my words or my actions were wrong. I make amends quickly, and determine not to repeat the same mistake.

At the same time, I don't shame myself. I don't beat myself up and tell myself I'm a terrible person. Just the opposite, I tell myself I'm human. I tell myself it's OK to be less than perfect. I give myself permission to feel my feelings, to start over and try again. I affirm that God still loves me. I affirm that I still love myself. I affirm that making mistakes is part of being human. But I work to make sure I don't repeat the same mistake.

Step Ten is about learning today's lesson and making the necessary adjustments in my actions and attitudes. Step Ten is about being honest with myself and with God and with others.

Step Ten is also about maintaining a humble attitude. Yes, I'll stumble and fall sometimes, but that is part of life. Failure is part of success. I only fail completely if I fail to learn today's lesson and repeat it again tomorrow.

I am a child of God, and by God's grace, I will continue to grow and develop. I will continue to learn more about God's will for my life. I will continue to remain accountable for my words and actions. I will continue living my amends and working my program of recovery.

Step Ten is God's grace—God directing and creating my life—continuing the process by which I become all I am capable of becoming.

next: The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous Step Eleven

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

If you wonder if you are normal, the answer is definitely "No."

You aren't normal because normal is only an idea, not a reality. Normalcy just isn't worth discussing.

But I do have my own opinions about what is typical or average in our culture. And, of course, I have my beliefs about when people need help and when they don't.

AVERAGE, BETTER, OR WORSE?

In each of the areas of life I comment on below, I believe that:

• If you are AVERAGE, you could definitely improve through therapy, medication, or both.

• If you are BETTER than average, improvements are still possible but your costs (financial inconvenience, etc.) should be weighed against the likely rewards of professional help.

• If you are WORSE than average, I think you definitely should get professional help regardless of the cost. (Read "Are You Considering Therapy?" if money is a problem.

So here come my no-pie-in-the-sky opinions about what is average in our culture.

JOY / HAPPINESS
Average:
You have some definite happy moments each day, but you know you have to work too hard for them.

Better:
Your have many happy moments each day and getting joy seems easier and easier over time.

Worse:
You share good laughs but most days you need much more joy than you get.

LOVE RELATIONSHIPS
Average:
You have disagreements most days, and most of them don't get resolved. Verbal abuse (name-calling, humiliating, shaming) doesn't happen more than once or twice a year. There is no violence or threats of violence.

Better:
You actually resolve most disagreements and have fewer of them the longer you are together.

Worse:
You have violence or threats of violence in your life, or shaming and name-calling happen often enough to be expected and feared.

LONELINESS
Average:
You never feel intense deprivation from lack of human contact (called "stroke deprivation").
You are lonely for quality contact no more than once per week.

Better:
You never feel intense deprivation and you quickly find quality contact as needed.

Worse:
You sometimes feel intense deprivation from lack of human contact or you are lonely for quality contact more than once per week.

FEARFULNESS
Average:
You scare yourself unnecessarily on a regular basis, but at levels you consider tolerable.

Better:
You are almost never afraid unless you sense (see, hear, smell, or taste) something dangerous.

Worse:
Your fears are so frequent or intense that you limit your activities because of them.

DEPRESSION
Average:
You feel "blah," have very low energy, and think things like "what's the use" three or more days in a row, two or three times a year.

Better:
You never feel depressed more than a few hours at a time.

Worse:
You feel this way so often you sometimes fear you'll stay this way.

FAMILY LIFE
Average:
Family members try to control or manipulate each other rather regularly, but they give up on it within minutes and then pout and sulk when they have to face that they can't make things go their way.

Better:
People almost never try to control or manipulate, and apologize quickly if they do.

Worse:
People try to control or manipulate regularly, and never learn that it's impossible.

KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT
Average:
You try to figure out what you want by comparing yourself to others and what they have. You don't know what you want as a unique person unless it is an extremely strong and undeniably unique desire.

Better:
You get better and better at discovering what you want through your emotions. You notice the feeling first, think about it second, and then decide what, if anything, you'll do about getting it.

Worse:
You feel "lost in your own head" when you try to figure out what you want. You just hope you'll end up getting enough of it if you follow the crowd. You are generally dissatisfied.

SELF-LOVE
Average:
You don't think very much of yourself, but there's no intense self-hate either.

Better:
You can look intensely into your eyes in a mirror and know that you love yourself.

Worse:
You have bouts of self-hate and you hate to focus on your eyes in a mirror.

KEEPING YOURSELF SAFE
Average: You worry about your safety sometimes even though there is nothing scary about your usual daily life.

Better:
You seldom think about safety. You know you are always alert enough to be as safe as possible.

Worse:
You catch yourself worrying every day, whether you live safely or not. (Note: It's very reasonable to worry if you are around scary people - but it's not reasonable to be around them!)

FEELING ACCEPTED
Average:
You try to feel acceptance by doing what others want you to do. You hide the things about you that you think are the unacceptable from everyone (except maybe your therapist).

Better:
You have at least one person who knows almost everything about you, even the things you think are unacceptable. You have at least three friends who you seldom hide anything from.

Worse:
You think you are unacceptable and you often feel desperate while trying to "earn" acceptance
by doing what other people seem to want you to do.

I GUESS I COULD GO ON AND ON...

Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that!

next: What Is A Therapist's Job?

Treating a delinquent teen alongside like-minded youths is the norm, but it may exacerbate conduct disorders, according to Jose Szapocznik, Ph.D., professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Miami School of Medicine. "When kids are alone together, they court each other's anti-social behavior. 'I smoke marijuana,' says one kid. The other says, 'That's great: I know where to buy it.'"

There is no shortage of evidence that destructive behavior can be socially reinforced, a phenomenon hardly confined to teens. (The APA Monitor on Psychology recently documented patients with anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa sharing starvation tips with one another during eating disorder treatment.) sharing

Szapocznik thinks he has a better alternative for troubled teens: In Evidence-Based Psychotherapies for Children and Adolescents, a book published this summer by Guilford Publications, he argues for a short round of therapy in which the entire family receives counseling once a week for eight to 12 weeks. This targets the entire family, using the premise that the behavior of any one member-in this case, the adolescent-can only be understood by examining the context or family "system" in which it occurs.

When Szapocznik compared 317 adolescents in either brief, strategic family therapy or in group outpatient treatment, he found that 27 percent of youths with conduct disorder showed improvement with the family-centered approach, but there was no improvement among those who received conventional treatment. Almost half the adolescents in treatment for marijuana abuse improved with brief strategic family therapy, as opposed to 17 percent in group therapy. Teenagers in treatment for social aggression proved the most resistant to either therapy, but even they benefited more from the family-focused approach.

So why does group therapy remain the gold standard? "Group counseling is driven by economics," says Szapocznik. "It has a better return because several patients can be charged at the same time.

next: Diana Effect is Credited with Decline in Bulimia
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Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

Therapy is essentially a healthy relationship.

Teaching occurs.
Emotions are expressed.
Ideas are exchanged and examined.
But none of these is primary.

What is primary is the relationship between the client and the therapist.

The healthier this relationship can be, the better the outcome. And the therapist is half of this important relationship

What can you know about your therapist? How much does it matter?

THE THERAPIST'S HUMANITY

Robots haven't replaced therapists yet, so we know the therapist is going to be a human being.

This tells you a lot.

It tells you that the therapist has experienced the same feelings you have. He or she might have felt more or less anger, fear, sadness, excitement and joy in their life than you have, but they have definitely felt them all.

They have also experienced success and failure.

And they know what it's like to be confident and to have self-doubt.

FORMAL TRAINING

Therapists in the United States are trained either as psychiatrists, psychologists, or social workers.

Psychiatrists are medical doctors who specialize in mental health. Psychologists have a Masters or Ph.D. in psychology. Social Workers have a Masters or Ph.D. in social work.

If you wonder about the formal training of any therapist, ask them. If you feel a need to verify what they tell you, check with your state's licensing authority.

INFORMAL TRAINING

Sometimes the formal training the therapist received is not particularly related to sitting in a little room helping people solve their problems through conversation.

Some psychiatrists attend schools that emphasize medication and don't believe in therapy.

Some psychologists attend schools that emphasize entirely different branches of psychology.

Some social workers attend schools that examine social problems and barely mention personal and relationship problems.

Many of us learn more after getting our degrees than we did while attaining them. And most states require this additional education.

You might find it interesting to learn about your therapist's advanced education.

PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE

Most of us don't start by offering fee-for-service psychotherapy.

We spend years in areas such as public health, correctional services, university guidance departments, etc.

You can find out where your therapist gathered their experience. You can even ask whether they think it influences their work with you in any way. (Guess you could just ask for a copy of their resume.)

PERSONAL STUFF

Therapists are trained to avoid talking about their personal life for many good reasons including:
We are paid to concentrate on you. We must work well with a wide variety of people, regardless of our own background. We don't want to confuse things by adding personal prejudices and interests to the mix.

But if questions about your therapist's hobbies and interests, their current living situation, whether they have children, their childhood standard of living, or whether they've had any therapy of their own ever do matter to you, you can certainly ask. (If your therapist responds by asking "Why do you want to know?" you can be pretty sure that answering such questions isn't their style.)

Personally, I don't mind answering these questions honestly if very briefly. Although it is a therapist's responsibility to keep our personal issues out of our work, we can never be entirely sure that the answers to such questions are irrelevant.

[... FYI: Photography, travel, and the Internet; married; two sons; poor; and yes...] ONCE YOU KNOW, SO WHAT?

If you have major medical concerns, you should see a psychiatrist. Otherwise, all of the factors we've discussed here might not even matter.

Even if you learn all these things about your therapist you will probably find that what really matters is how you feel about them when you are with them, and how attentive, helpful, and able to communicate they are. That's how it usually works.

Your therapist is a human being who is trained to show you how to make the changes you want to make.

If you like them and they like and respect you, you are in the right place. You will do well together.

Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that!

next: What To Tell A Therapist

Thoughtful quotes about authenticity, being an authentic person.

Words of Wisdom

"How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something, but to be someone." (Gabrielle Chanel)

"Inside my empty bottle I was constructing a lighthouse while all the others were making ships." (C. S. Lewis)

"The security blanket of conformity is warm and comfortable - just so it doesn't cover our heads and smother us." (Herbert Holt)

"The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be who we pretend to be." (Socrates)

"It is never too late to be what you might have been." (George Eliot)

"No bird soars too high if it soars with its own wings." (William Blake)

next: Body/Health/Healing