Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do

When I give adjectives to discribe the abusers......

Am I wrong to call the abuser moronic, evil or pathetic? He accuses me of being abusive because I’ve called him these words when he has been abusive. I’ve never used those words normally but those are true descriptions of people who are abusive. I was not even allowed to use he word stupid growing up so I know these are not words I would prefer to use but I cannot call abuse nice sweet and considerate. I’ve asked him what he would call a person who has treated someone so bad and he will not answer. He just expects an apology for using those words only when he has acted abusive. We are currently separated, thank goodness. I’ll gladly apologize if I am wrong.

It's so crazy to read other people's stories alnoat exactly like mine....I am 25 and my bf is 34. I've never left comments on a website before but I feel like I need to at the point I'm at right now in my relationship.
My boyfriend gets mad at me when I want to hang with my friends and family...almost to isolate me. He never wants to hang with his friends either. He always has to be around me which is great I love being with him but I believe time apart definitely helps a relationship so u can miss and appreciate the person u are with. He tells me things ...and then when I say what did u say he will deny ever saying anything. Like tonight he said he wanted to go to Sheetz bc they have the best subs ( but he always wants to go to Rutter's bc he says THEY have the best subs) so it confused me. So im on my way to Sheetz and he's like where are u going and I say Sheetz..he's like I never wanted to go there I told u I wanted Rutter's. I said NO u didn't so of course we argued about that. Why does he do things like this? To f**k with me?? I do not understand. Wev been together almost two years...he wasn't always like this. He started about a year in messing with my head and calling me crazy. He's always been kind of a jerk tho. Making fun of me and always thinking he's better than me. Makes me look stupid in public and is a [moderated] in front of other females which ticks me off. Like why does someone do this to someone they love! Or say they love at least. He has his good and bad Days tho. A couple days can pass with NO nonsense..so I just don't understand. Everyone now is telling me to leave bc it's getting worse it's just so hard to hard to except :(
I've started breaking our TV's and electronics and I've never been this way. He just really gets my blood boiling. He never does anything wrong. Barely ever apologizes to me. And always turns everything around on me. I'm just at my breaking point and feel so drained. I love him to death and wanna spend the rest of my life with him but now idk. His family and friends think I'm the bad guy and think that he never contacts them or hangs out with them bc of ME! And that's not the case I tell him to hang with his friends and he just don't. I'm just so sick of this like do I just have to accept the fact and eventually leave. I think I do have to but I just can't now. It's nice and not nice to know others go thru this. I feel for all of u ladies ....!!!
Do they get off in doing this?!

Well life is short it must really suck for them to be so uncomfortable in their own skin that they have to put another down constantly and smirk and ? and get off on it there the ones who are truly morally bankrupt

My husband tells me I have enemies and nobody likes me... Calls me stupid.. Gets angry easily and blames me for everything... I'm no angel and I always right my wrong of I'm wrong.. But he never apologies .. I'm so hurt... I just want to hide... I had a job and he started accusing me of being in men face and I never in my life ever did.. Even questioning our five year of he ever seen me do that :(

My husband called me pathetic because I enjoy taking my son to work because I get to spend time with him, then when I wanted to talk about it the next day he brought up a kiss & hug my son gave me for my birthday a year & a half ago a quick kiss my husband made out it was some torrid affair I was having with my son told me if a father kissed their daughter like that he'd be in jail made me feel like a paedophile & told me I was disgusting. I was just getting very the fact he kicked me out in September we got back together because he agreed to marriage counseling but only went to two sessions. He's been sucking up but today called me a sour puss I sad I was just sad I said an apology will help but he said i will never get one because he meant it. He cuddled up to me cause he wants sex I have in my head why would he want that with someone he believes s pathetic & disgusting. He never tells me he loves me, never kisses me because he says it's disgusting & sloppy. I don't know what time do I believe my love for him is dieing I want to leave but can't afford to as i don't work and he says its his money & his house & I won't be entitled to anything about if I left.

It took me reading this to see my first husband was a narcissist and my second husband not far off. I feel anyone that can relate to this is dealing with a narcissist, they lack feelings. You can try until you’re blue in the face to get them to understand but they are unable to feel empathy. My first husband committed suicide. If you are reading this- You Deserve Better!! Please leave this man that is tr sting you this way! You are strong and beautiful!

I have been married 31 years to a verbal abuser, didn't realize it was that until the last 5 years. I married for Better or worse but, abuse does not count. I have been called every name n the book, but things have taken a new twist, I begged for counseling and he won't do t because I'm the one fucked up, I'm toxic, have my head up my ass. If I try to defend myself against his words he is an expert at blame shifting. The newest thing is he can be a nasty insulting person, I'll walk away, because confronting him makes things worse then in 2 minutes it's like nothing happened. I'm still angry and hurt but don't say anything. It's almost like he is two people. I'm still in the marrage that is loveless, I try to hug or kiss but after being rejected so many times I don't even try that seems to suit him just fine. Currently our arguments over the dumbest things, where he says says terrible things is about every other night so I do believe I should end this whole thing, but it is scary.

I’m so glad it is not me being crazy, neither the problem. I am called everything under the sun, then he wants sex. Then he is charming until I say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing, or simply ask him to clean after himself. How dare I tell him what to do!! Then I am the problem. I’ve been called everything during my 8 years of hell marriage. Unfortunately, where I live, I have no relatives or friends who can help me. I feel trapped. He threatens me with everything. He has even been violent sometimes. He constantly shouts at me. I’m never asked how am I. I need to work, clean, cook and shop. If something in the house is dirty, then I should go and clean it again. I feel ugly, unloved, disrespected, sad, isolated as I don’t have many friends either and I cannot really turn around to the few ones I’ve got and tell them what he really is like when they see me a bit sad. I feel extremely lonely. I really feel I have nobody to talk to. I just wish I had never met this man. That I had never married him. He was so much nicer when I met him, but he has gone worse and I really regret ever meeting him. No. Leaving is not an option. I’ve tried that before and I have had to come back due to money and children problems. Yes, I work. No, it is not enough for maintaining a child and myself. Do not judge. It is very easy to tell people to leave, especially when you’re not in their shoes. As I said before, I tried it and it did not work. Renting, the cost of daycare for a child, working and studying. I simply could not cope make ends meet. Now I work and still I struggle with the money, but I have a roof over my head and I am saving some money. One day, I’ll be free and happy again. Someone will give me a big hug and will tell me it wasn’t my fault and that everything will be ok.

Wow! So many people going through what I am going through. First off, I am a firm believer in putting love into action. Because I have studied love I took his mistreatment of me as a challenge to love him more, because he seemed like he never had anyone to love him. 3 years of misery, 1 miscarriage, a 2 year old and a 2 month old later, I now see that he is not the person for me. Even when he wished I would die in the hospital after giving birth to our son I stayed. Even though his behavior in the operating room while the doctors were giving me a c section had us all super alarmed because he was so angry that I wanted our sons middle name to be after my father. We thought he was going to hit me in my stomach while I was cut open on the operating table. Thank God he just stormed out, but I stayed. Even though he hoped our daughter wouldn't make it stayed. I left for a short while but I returned and it seems things are worse. He calls me worthless, ugly, he tells me he never liked me, refuses to pay the bills ontime and give me money to take care of the kids and house. I know I made the wrong decision to come back, but I'm to ashamed to go back to my sisters house. I feel so alone, sad and depressed. I know the cure is to leave him and focus my attention elsewhere but where do I start? How do I start? I have no money, no job 2 babies and a van that needs a new engine.

I am very curious about something.
If someone is abusive , is it something that would most likely happen for years and years, or can it start suddenly, even after 20 years?
There is a situation where I know someone since basically the time I was born as the person has been friend with an older sibling since they were in preschool. I know him, his parents, his siblings, etc..
I realize of course it is difficult to know 100% what goes on behind closed doors, but when I have to choose whom to believe. I must believe the person with more credibility.
the person's spouse made claims that the husband was abusive to her, phycially and mentally. the person said stuff like "this will be hard to believe, I know it is hard to believe" however, t is also stated that the husband treats the couple's child very well, no abuse whatsoever and never has and cares for them.
they claimed the husband grabberd her. now sh ealso said she filed a claim, but the medical examiners showed zero proof of any bruises.
also says she is diminished etc.. the person says their own parents and siblings and everyone else takes his side, and not hers. well all people who know her very very well.
I do also know this idiivdual has some sort of bipolar and other similar issues for a long time. I also know one time they did something such as leaving work early, driving for no apparent reason , to some other state, every one was worried, work didn't know anything, nobody did, she was found to be ok, they were all very worried about her. then after they decided to start medications . and she had been mostly fine for awhile although still did some weird things.
recently she started having some episodes again, and I was told they sent her to a place that deals with mental illness to help her get better. I don't think she wanted to go.
she accsued her huband, her parents, and of course all the doctors of conspirting against her.
now she doesn't want to go home acting like she is all scared. but I asked both for the aprens andt he husband, were they always like this? or did this start recently. she seemed to indicate recent.
none of that really adds up to me. I am thinking she is deluding herself into thinking something is happening that is not. but I think the fact they made her go get help, was the trigger for her being so accusatory and wants to take a stand.
so I am wondering, what are some thoughts on this?

I'm not condoning abuse of any kind. However with that being said. Not every verbal abuser is just an abusive person. I struggle with a disorder called BPD and it does not stand for bi polar. When I get stressed or angry or afraid I enter a fight or flight mode in my head. I don't like it and I normally would plead for my wife to stop pushing the argument further and she would end up keeping it going. Then I end up losing it and apart of the disorder is lashing out and going for the jugular sort of speak. I don't like it and I feel like shit every time it's over. I never hidy problems from her. I told her what I had and what happened to me that caused it. She still agreed to marry me. The help she tried to give was not the proper help and she never even read up on it. I thought she knew what was wrong with me but I found out after 5 years she never even read it. She jhas been dealing withy problems for that long and never knew why it was happening. I never wanted to say bad things to her. The sad thing is after she left. That's when she decided to actually find out what was wrong with me and how to really help. But the damage in her mind was already done and not able to be fixed. I took just want to be loved and have a healthy relationship but I'm not able to have that because I was broken as a child and it's not a super glue fix. I have said I was sorry so much it's not even funny. But I don't mean to sit here and make it sound like it's ok to be abusive. I just want to open your eyes maybe that person actually needs your love and support and therapy Because they might just have a mental health problem. Not everyone asked to be cursed with a disorder. And I don't think that one person's problems should become a bourdon on someone else. But if you know the problem and still agree to be with them. Then find ways to help. I just wish I had real help before it was to late. I chose my job to support my family over my mental health and I ended up losing everything in the end. I miss my son and my wife. Now I am on a medicine that is a mood stabilizer so I don't lose control as easy. Actually I haven't at all since I started taking it. Dispit how much my ex seems like she tries to get me to lose control just to help her case later down the line. But I just wanted to open your eyes to other sides. I just needed proper help and I'm getting it. Not every abuser is just some ass who likes to hurt others. I'm not saying stay with one. But if they want the help and is willing to get it. Try.

why are these commentaries always portray men as the abusers....

I'm in a very unusual situation. I've been with my husband for literally half my life- we met when I was 15. I got pregnant 7 months in, we got married, and it has been a nightmare since. I left more than once, but always went back. The beginning years were the worst, physically and emotionally. It got better after the last time I left, and was that way for a while. I thought he actually loved me and would be different. I did some things while I was gone, such as dating outside my race, which he hated. After a while he started asking questions about that particular time, even going so far as to ask me multiple times to do it again. I thought it was some kind of trap. I begged out of it for a couple years, then finally went with it. I didn't enjoy it at first, it was weird and I struggled. I kept at it because I always want to make him happy, I never really succeed. He made it seem like all I needed to do was this or that, and I'd try...I would, but many times it wouldn't work out the way things were planned. All my fault! Now 3 years later, I thoroughly enjoy going out because I get from them what I've never gotten from him. The last time, it didn't work as planned, and he flipped out...keep in mind, he flips out over small things the kids do, not getting his way over every little thing, me not sticking to an oral pleasure schedule he set up years ago as well...there is no end to what makes him mad. Anyway, since the last time, a few weeks ago, the verbal assualt has really picked up. Idk what to do anymore. We have 4 children, ages 14, 13, 11, and 6, and they know he's an ass, they see and hear him being abusive, he's even mean to them at times, not physically, but it hurts my heart. They deserve better, I deserve better. I'm just terrified of leaving and not being able to support my babies, or of him really hurting me or them. He hates when I refuse to engage in arguments, when I shut down, but I can't help it...I don't do well with conflict, i freeze, terrified of what's next...is he going to hurt Me? Hurt the kids? What do I say or do? Just this morning he was at me about missing my night last night...my night to perform oral on him, but he fell asleep before 7pm! I got up this morning to try and fix it and even made breakfast for him, but he wasn't having any of it. Idk why I'm even writing this, no one can possibly be in the exact same situation and offer advice.

I'll make this comment brief. First, I'm a survivor (NOT victim) of a 35 yr marriage of escalating abuse that ended with DV. A hereditary physical disability prevented my getting out far far earlier than I succeeded in doing so.
I feel strongly impelled to say that the photo at the top of this web page is inappropriate. I have had much exposure to the situations of other survivors, both as a volunteer and in other settings, and for many relationships any portrayal--such as the photo clearly implies--that "it takes two" is plain dead wrong. For so many of us, who are not codependent, who do and have set boundaries, who exercise careful self-discipline of all kinds along with courage up to 24 hrs a day in the balancing act of standing up for themselves in an abusive environment, it definitely does not take two. It only takes ONE. Any one of us could be the most perfect person ever to set foot on the face of this planet, ever to interact with the partner, family member, or spouse in question, ever to care about, love, and try as hard as any person ever did to make a relationship with that person work--and the abuse would still have occurred. Did any of you ever think of that?
If no, do so, please.
I will not detail more of what it takes day in and day out to live in and walk out of abuse as a survivor and not a victim, but so many of you know just what I mean. And that photo needs to be replaced. It is not descriptive of verbal abuse, except in that a verbal abuser can--yes--be from either gender. Please get rid of it. No photo is better than that one.

Here I am a grown woman at 48 years of age googling this at midnight...no matter how old I get I can't shake the verbal and physical abuse I endured as a kid. I'm adopted and had an issue at age 6 (to the present day) where I developed trichotillomania (started pulling all eyelashes out -then progressed to all eyebrows around age 17 -to this day I pull all out by the end of any given day). Terrible beatings and threats I can't even begin to share -but tonight for some reason I can see my dad working on the side of our house when I was 7 and him telling me to "get away as I make him sick" (due to my hair pulling). I've tried talking to my mom about this but she denies everything (she was always part of it). Anyhow, just need prayers...I don't understand how anyone could hurt a child physically or emotionally.

I was engaged to a man that thank God I didn't marry. And this weekend I hung out with him. Same s*** different day. Calling me as scumbag calling me a **** oh, we've been through a lot together I was pregnant and had an abortion because I could not keep his child because I knew how life would be with him. I feel bad about that everyday but then I think how would my life be if I had a child with him he would have so much more control over me. I'm leaving my phone number here [number deleted] if anyone ever wants to talk feel free to call me I am so open to discussion I've been there and I've done that and sometimes what gives us strength is talking to another person that it's going to the same situation as you it helps trust me. There's a reason why we're on this website doesn't that tell us anything? I'm 37 years old not married no kids and I was willing to settle but this man just because I thought I loved him and I thought I was getting too close to bearing children at forty. I still feel that way I still feel like I should even try to make it work because who else do I have. But that's not the case. If any of you want to talk please reach out because like I said it helps me as well and it'll help you let's get to the bottom of this as women we will survive and instead of being victims let's consider ourselves the lucky ones please reach out to me if you feel okay doing so

Sadly my situation was that I was alone in another country where the attitude towards domestic abuse and violence against women and children was somewhat draconian and an accepted practice so there was little empathy let alone laws or procedures to deal with it. I was aware that I was being mentally and physically abused but I couldnt do a thing about it except leave my home, my belongings and my life which at first I was reluctant to do as I felt that I should not have to give up everything that I had worked my entire life to achieve when I was the victim and had done nothing wrong. At first his verbal abuse had no effect on my self esteem as I was strong and self assured and well aware his behaviour was the problem and not me. However in time it took its toll with me feeling constantly on edge and anxious without being able to relax in my own home. I wanted him to leave but he wouldn't go and not even the police would help! I did not and would not comply with his controlling behaviour initially but he then turned to being violent towards me so I had no choice but to surrender to his demands and suppress my own feelings and needs until I could find a way out of it. Of course he was not always abusive especially when I didnt question his authority or disagree with his opinions and met his every need and demands so I went alone with it and in these times I started to convince myself it wasnt so bad and not as bad as the other option of me having to leave my home and my life with nowhere else to really go... but with abusers, the abuse always continues to escalate and after I had been beaten up many times, each time worst than the last after him promising that time and the time before he would never do it again, I knew he would kill me eventually if I didnt leave him... I had to leave my home, my life and everything I had except the clothes on my back in the end but I am grateful to be alive!

I am a husband married and my wife curses and yells at me and the kids constantly over small things. She constantly says she is losing at it can be over small things like I misplaced one of her boxes. She would get angry that she cannot find it and then berates me loudly for 30 minutes about how important it is to keep her things organized. The funny thing is that she is a slob and lazy and cannot focus and cannot prioritize things to actually do any work or do house work and do a good job at it. She has never cooked a full meal. We both work and I take care of the home and the kids and honestly try to avoid her having to do much so she doesn't start to "lose it" over small things and make it a living hell for all of us at the house. She spends her weekends binge watching Netflix and sleeping. She has trouble sleeping regular nights and has a lot of drama with people at her work. She is not able to handle stress at work and small things that children say or things that take work at home. Anyone with similar experience please help. I am not willing to get a divorce because of the kids and would like to make it work but the emotional instability and the cursing and the abuse is taking a toll on the marriage and our family.

I will love to share my testimony to all the people in the forum cos I never thought i will have my girlfriend back and she means so much to me. The girl I want to get marry to left me few weeks to our wedding for another man. When I called her she never picked my calls, She blocked me on her facebook and changed her facebook status from engage to Single, when I went to her place of work she told her boss she never want to see me. I lost my job as a result of this cos I couldn't get myself anymore, my life was upside down and everything did not go smooth with my life. I tried all i could do to have her back to all did not work out until i met a Man when i travel to East to execute some business that I have been developing some years back. I told him my problem and all i have passed through in getting her back and how i lost my job, he told me he gonna help me, I didn't believe that in the first place. But she swore she will help me out and she told me the reason why my girlfriend left me and also told me some hidden secrets’ was amazed when i heard that from her...she said she will cast a spell for me and i will see the results in the next couple of days..then i travel back, the following day and i called him when i got home and he said he’s busy casting those spells and he has bought all the materials needed for the spells, she said am gonna see positive results in the next 14 days that is Thursday. My girlfriend called me at exactly 12:35pm on Thursday and apologies for all she had done. She said, she never knew what she was doing and her sudden behavior was not intentional and she promised not to do that again. it was like am dreaming when i heard that from her and when we ended the call, I called the Erica and told her my my girl friend called and she said I haven’t seen anything yet… she said i will also get my job back. And when its Sunday, they called me at my place of work that i should resume work on Monday and they gonna compensate me for the time limit I have spent at home without working...My life is back into shape have my girlfriend back and we are happily married now with a baby boy and I have my job back too. This lady is really powerful...if we have up to 20 people like her in the world, the world would have been a better place...she has also helped many of my friends to solve many problems and they are all happy now...Am posting this to the forum for anybody that is interested in meeting the lady for help. You can mail her to erika_raven_temple@ religious. com, I can’t give out her number cos she told me she don’t want to be disturbed by many people across the world...she said her email is okay and she also have a web site if you want to visit her there’ she will replied to any emails asap..Hope she helped u out too...good luck. Her web site is ericaraven. webs . com

Hi , I am in the same situation ; same words my husband also using. He is too much perfect and discipline man so for the small things he yell at me like anything and always says am not worth at all to do any things.
He always call me as useless.
But I am a working women and earning more than him .He saying am not doing anything perfect in household. If I want anything from he always comes up with my past mistakes(as per his opinion) and say I cannot have rights to ask for it.
He take over me fully. He says my dressing sense is too bad and he only select the cloths for me. Whoever seeing from outside thinks my husband is so caring but originally am struggling a lot. Even the inners also he only select but doesn't think of its comfortable for me.
He is not allowing my parents to visit me or I have to visit them .Not allowing my child to speak with my parents.
He cut down all his friendships and mines. He is not allowing me to contact my relatives. I feel more lonely. His life is only me and Child (and his parents) and he wants the same to be for myself also.

Hi, I have been married for 7 years and it's just getting worse. We keep moving from City to City but it's the same thing. My husband is always accusing me of sleeping with men and women, accusing me of going out when I have no friends and no life, accusing me of stealing money from him but yet he has no job. He is never home always out in the garage with low life homeless people that are always drugged out. On the other hand you have me, I cook 3 meals, clean 24 hours, take care of 2 kids all day!!! And take my husband's bull shit!!! He hates talking about bills, money, or anything for that fact. He wakes up whenever he like and stays up all night. I stay up with are 1 year old, feeding, changing diapers and so on. He is always stating I'm doing him wrong in some way, I can't even take a shower without being called nasty names. I never leave unless I'm with him and are 2 kids. But for as for him he's always out never home are 6 year old even cried asking him to spend more time with us as a family but that did nothing!!! Everywhere we have lived he has caused a problem with are neighborhoods. He thinks everyone is out to get him but in reality no one cares. Everyone is busy with there life, kids job but yet he thinks everyone has it out for him. I honestly start to tell cuz I defend myself but I hate when I'm like that. I try so many times to have a conversation but he doesn't care. He has hit me a few times and I hate him for that. He will say that you forced me to. But he's 6 feet I'm 4 "11. I pushed my family away cuz he acts crazy with them. I have never had friends and I'm accused of having them. I have ended in a mental hospital cuz of him 2 times. Each time he pushes me to my limit then blames me for everything. Not once has he blamed himself. He has done ever drug under the sun. And takes it out on me. BTW he blames me for that as well. Again I have never changed I'm not perfect but I'm me. I mind my business and keep to myself not one person has come to.my home. Everyday he has 7 to 10 people in him garage to the point where everyone is complaining about him. He keep saying how he's making money but not 1 penny has come are way. He's out all day and when I complain he tells me I'm making money hes better off getting a job and coming. Last year he told me that I was cheating on him with ever car that would come into the complex or how I have a secret door in my closet or how I use candy crush the game as a dating app?!!!.. what should I do??? I have 2 kids with him and are 6 year old loves him. I do love him but I don't think I can put up with anymore. BTW there's more problems I can keep at it till the next day,!!!

I do not know if I am being emotionally abused or not. I have been with him for 10 years, we have 5 kids (2 mine) (3 his)
When he gets mad he will call me a b****, tell me to shut the f*** up. If he doesnt have clean clothes to wear for work or of I do not buy food. I work full time and pay the bills ( I do not make alot) he makes more he pays the mortgage and his child support and his car payment. He makes me pay half for any appliances or anything for the house. He has called me a c***, he has told me to get the f*** out.... I am always scared of being yelled at early in the morning ( he leaves between 4 am -6am) so I always make sure he has work clothes in his basket. I cook all the meals clean up after all the meals do all the laundry all the cleaning (but I do not clean well enough for him) I also do most of the stuff with the kids, alot of the time if i take them swimming he wont come he will stay home alone. Is this abuse or just a sh***y husband?