BPD and Romantic Relationships: If You Really Loved Me

I could use some help from some of you non-BPDs who are committed to loving and trying to stay with your BPD. After two years we have come to the point of our first relationship pause and during this time I want to recalibrate my limits and clearly look at this relationship. As with most posts I've read its been full of the most amazing love, and also wicked mood swings, hurtful accusations and down right verbal abuse. I'm a giver and probably good for my ego to be the champion on the white horse (for lack of a less stupid analogy) and fix things and reassure my BPD when she feels abandoned. However, regardless I do love her with all my being and do very much see her trying.
But, during this pause (weeks to months) and while we continue to see a therapist, what should I be asking her to do or what should I be focusing on so I can respect my self and eliminate every feeling like I have to walk on eggshells again.

All of you must remember that BPD has subtypes and some borderlines aren't aggressive towards others at all and more damaging to self than others and care for others in truly empathetic ways. Please do your research and stop grouping us as all one type!

I have been in a relationship with a BPD guy for a year. We've been separated many times but we love each other very much. In the begining there were some signs but I thought it was just that he is a very good looking guy and had lots of fun around and didnt want to settle down. However, he became very quickly involved. Then I had losses in my life and he stood by me, but very soon, he started showing rage for my grief...
One minute he is the sweetest guy on earth and the next he yells at me, calls me names, accuses me that I am seeing other people, and he has hit me many times. He is very manipulative, he distorts reality and he drives me insane. I had lost it a few times and started yelling at him. Most of these times he hit me. A few times he was just trying to calm me or left. He claims that women are inferior to men and I am more a ''man'than a woman because I talk back to him. But I can't show love to someone who calls me names and is aggressive and threatening and bullying even though I understand that it is the disease talking...
He has been in therapy on and off (even before he met me). When he is calms he acknowledges the fact that he has issues but he quickly turns the blame to me telling that I create his triggers, that I dont help him
In the beginning I believed him and I did everything. I tried to change, I even neglected all the other important people in my life, friends, family because he didnt feel comfortable if I did the slightest thing without him
He accuses me every time I walk the dog that I am insane that I care about animals more and that I meet someone in secret at the dog park.
Ive decided to end it for the nth time....but this time I am really exhausted. I love him, I know with committment to therapy he can get better but he doesnt do it. And I cant live the rest of my life like this....
I am not saying that he is a bad person, but his condition makes him have an awful abusive behavior. Is it possible that he doesnt realize that this is not normal? Is it possible that he justifies hitting me and abusing me verbally and emotionally that I deserve this? I really feel sorry because I understand his pain, I've tried to stand by him, but I can not accept abuse. He meets all the criteria of BPD except hurting himself, he hurts others. I am worried that if I leave him he will go back to his old habits of drug and alcohol abuse and reckless driving.
I know that he is madly in love with me, I know that for a fact. I am as well. Besides the abuse. Because I can see beyond the condition. But I can't stand him when he gets into his tantrums. And they are almost daily...I know I should just stay quiet and wait for him to lash out, but he is way too hurtful and I end up crying and screaming at him to leave me alone. I know it doesnt help, but I can't keep my cool when he insults me so much. I dont want to offend BPD sufferers, I know it is a horrible horrible state to be in and I feel so much for all of you guys. I sincerely love my boyfriend and we planned a future together and for the first time in my life I felt so much in love with someone. But I am leaving. I just can not take so much abuse....I can only hope that he will decide to get some serious help. I hope that he lets me go because I am about to lose my mind. I have made my decision but I always go back to him....he comes back apologizing and because every time I see him I melt, I just want to hold him and tell him I love him he wins me over. And then another cycle of hell starts all over again. And I can't take it any more. I feel guilty for leaving him, I never really thought I''d get to this point, I always thought somehow we would work it out but I really want to have a baby and in my 40s I dont have much time and I dont think he will ever be ready for a family even though he says so. I 've read all your stories, I am really sorry for everyone. It helps to know that other people go through the same dreadful experience...not because misery wants company but because it makes me feel that I am not to blame, I am not crazy, I am not a bad person. I've tried. The best way I knew how. Now I have to walk away from a person that is extremely dear to me despite his shortcomings. But I have to put my self interest first, this is the rest of my life and I have to realize that if I stay with this person it will not get better. Only worse. I am super sensitive and I can't deal with all this..
I know that I might not ever be so much in love again with someone, so it is very hard for me to go, but I need to. I 've lost my self respect during that year. It is the most difficult decision I had to make. I know that he is going to make it really hard for me to go, but please pray for me that I can stick to my guns this time...It is really the only option I have left to keep my sanity and to have any chance of having a family..

I met my estranged husband 8 months ago and I suspect he suffers from borderline personality disorder.At first I couldn't believe cause it was like a dream come true to meet such a wonderful man.he adored and worshipped the ground I walked on.two months into the relationship the abuse started but we managed to resolve the issues.but every four or five weeks it would start all over again.In June he started accusing of mustabating in my sleep which was not true.accused me of being filthy and living a decietful life before God.Had to apologise and. admit to things I never did.I eventually moved back home and got a job In a far away town.just when I was about to leave the calls started apologising and promising to change and he promptly proposed marriage and we got married the next month.six weeks later I realised I made the biggest mistake of my life cause the abuse got worse and worse,the name calling withholding sex,not talking to me.I left him and moved back home.I love him with all my heart but
I realise he is not the man I fell in love with.I spoke to his family and told them they need to get him help.he is stubborn refuses to acknowledge he has a problem.I'm not prepared to spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells.if he
goes into therapy maybe we stand a chance but for now I've just about hnad it with him.I'm emotionally fragile at the moment because of what this man put me through.The eight month's I spent with him were the worst time of my life.I really feel sorry for people suffering from this disorder but one can't do mych if the person refuses to acknowledge they have a problem.

What a relief to finally read an article stating both sides. I am bpd and most definitely am have been easily manipulated by several con artists on my day. I often was in reaction a stone cold predator back at them to return the favors after any opportunity came my way to pay back. Good article.

Dealing with abusive people can bd confusing and extremely draining as they tend to cycle between a calm and loving honeymoon period and then shift to volatile and terrifying reactions. You end up crazy trying to predict their next outbursts or recover from their previous attacks. Sometimes separation is the only way to stop the crazy dance between love and hate.

This is merely one experience by The blogger who is not a mental health provider, and merely one experience with bpd not representative of the dusease as a whole and not entirely accurate either.

Hello, I been wondering about BPD people who have suicidal thoughts myself. Is it a common situation for people with Borderline Personality Disorder BPD, get suicide thoughts often if things they desire about don't workout for them?

I have not been diagnosed with BPD but I show all the signs and I am bipolar 1 have anxiety nos PTSD explosive anger and imy personality changes in a second from super nice sweet to anger violence abuse and tearing doors down breaking stuff and yelling screaming false losses fear of being alone and fear of abandonment and obsessivness with my fiance I am struggling very hard feel worthless at time's and unstoppable at other's drug addiction and it's ruining my relationship I need a doc that will actually listen to me I am a male whom this fits perfectly along with my bipolar bull to go along with it after I explode then I am very apologetic and complimentary and exsesive in telling her how much I love her and what she means to me I have no insurance I work for myself and I just got out of prison for the third time I am freaking out and can't deal with my head my finance just went to rehab said she be back home when she gets out after an physically abusive fight I thought even though she said this I was still loosing her I we were split up and she told me that it was to hard to hear my voice and text me that it made her want to come home and not go to rehab I understood but could not excessively texting and calling so she blocked me from texting and stopped answering the phone I didn't mean to make it harder on her but couldn't stop I know I have BPD and need help with no insurance and I live in Eufaula Oklahoma and little resources available can't go to inpatient treatment or hospital because I can't leave my house by its self because I will get robbed blind can anyone help me

I have BPD and let me tell it to you straight. I have not nor will I EVER hit a person. I can't even tell a person off without crying and wanting to hurt myself afterwards. Yes, I can get VERY emotional and have hurt people with words especially through text and online, but I have never never hit a person. Stop trying to say all of us the BPD are abusive hitters or manipulators. I don't want to hurt anyone so I push everyone away. I even choose not to date! I am sorry you are going through this with someone, but have you thought maybe your partner is just I don't know, an [moderated]? Quit trying to put a bad mark on people with a mental illness who actually care about others. Everyone is different.

I have EUPD/BPD and I am sick to death of being told I'm manipulative or scheming or a bully or a gaslighter by articles like this wherin the authors whom do not understand further perpetuate the stigma. Are some people with EUPD manipulative and horrible? Yes. Just like any non-mentally ill person. But to say we are all that way is detrimental and wrong on every count. I borke off my OWN relationship with some friends because I got more sick and they didn't leave because they understood. My psychiatrist doesn't believe in EUPD and tells actual lies on my medical records, so we are fighting for help against ignorant people in psychiatry who discredit and invalidate our illness and then we have to deal with people like you branding us as horrible and evil manipulators/bullies. Please do not date anyone with BPD again, author, you don't unerstand a shred without going through it.

I recently got out of a year relationship with a girl, who I still consider a friend, who has BPD. I knew what I was getting into before we got more serious but things got to be much with her. She always slept all day, no ambition, couldn't hold a job, failed school, and always very negative. I am a very caring person so by nature I helped and nurtured as much I could but it never seemed good enough. I have her attention all the time and show her love but it didn't always seem mutual. She was always looking for attention when I was giving her all the attention she needed. It got pretty bad to the point where she didn't shower for days, was throwing up all the time, and was very sad. It seems you can only prepare so much for people like this. It's been about 3 months since we broke up and we chat every ounce in awhile and saw each other a couple times, but in her head she is a huge failure and looks at what happened another disappointment in her life. I would tried to talk to her after we broke up and she just ignored me and wouldn't let me speak I feel and how we can maybe resolve. We had began arguing a little more and it led up to a bad argument and I told her too move out but didn't really meant and she just totally took it to heart and didn't try to talk and work it out. I'm a good dude, it's my blessing and curse. I still care for her and she will always have a piece of my heart but my life is probably better off without her. You cannot change someone, they got to want to change themselves. I have been missing her a lot lately and feel like she kind of pushed me aside and thinks well it's just another let down in my life, but it hurts me cause it seems like there's no relief for me. Being alone sucks but I wish her the best, she is a cool girl and unique in her own ways she just has to believe it for herself. Any replies is much appreciated, thanks!

This article is absolutely terrible, just because you encountered a manipulative person that happened to have BPD does not mean every person with BPD is manipulative. I’ve just got out of the marriage from hell due to domestic abuse and I have BPD and I can tell anyone that I am so sick of people blaming us for our illness. The ignorance in this article is unreal. Not everyone with BPD behaves the same. I’ve never hurt anybody but myself. I will hold my hand up and say when In crisis mode my words can be appalling but I have never physically hurt anybody. Never been in trouble with the police and most importantly I am the one who has had stalkers and manipulative ex’s not the other way round. It’s so hard to live with this I’llness everyday. It’s like a constant battle in your head. Yet I am a full time and I mean 24/7 single parent to 2 very small children playing mum and dad. But there’s just no credit for people with BPD it’s always what they’ve done wrong not what they’ve actually done right. Thank you for making my day much worse!

I've known literally 1000's of people in my line of work. I've also known two officially diagnosed BPD people. EVERYTHING you said of them was true. And then some. To me, if they even HAVE a heart, it's that of an animal. Attention seeking, braggarts, angry, Schadenfreud-istic horrible monsters. One in particular I know is a reviewer for Amazon, so she's a professional liar too. Ex druggie/alcoholic, she seeks out others out online, on any venue she can get on and causes trouble w/ her lies. All of the doctors in the world cannot help these people. They enjoy trying to inflict pain; It's their hobby and pleasure. My mother had passed away a few years back, and when ''she''found out, the following week she made fun of her death on face book. It gets worse, but you get the picture. There is nothing she won't do to try and get to you. She has several comments here on this blog already, under several assumed I.D's She writes her fake comment and then answers it too. Heads up.

What you’re explaining sounds like abusive relationship/s, not those of someone with BPD. We love deeply! We’re all or nothing. Black & white! We’re not abusive people. I find your article offensive and rude.

This article triggered a touch of shame, guilt, pain, confrontation and sadness in me. It's important for me to understand the impact i have on my loved ones. I know plenty of my exes probably shudder at the sound of my name.
I felt completely justified in all my behaviours in past relatioships. I was reacting to pain. being volatile, untrustworthy and manipulative.
I had no idea why my relationships kept failing and why nobody was kind or compassionate??
You know why? My guess is its hard to love someone who a. Doesn't love themselves. b. is like a ticking time bomb?
It wasn't until a recent ex broke up with me, very plainly and simply explained he had fallen out of love with me and he had to look after himself as he felt my constant cries for attention were going to make him sick. I have no compassion for BPD. Its an ugly disorder. The more i separate myself from the symptoms/behaviours the better I feel.
if you have BPD, Im so very sorry! big hugs.
I'm lonely, hurting and sad.
If loved ones didn't tell me, i couldn't fix it.
yes, this article triggered a few yucky feelings. but I'm also sad for her. she loved him too at one stage and his Illness hurt both of them. to me, that's so sad:( I dislike BPD stigma... but sometimes I need a reality check in order to seek help or initiate a little more awareness of my behaviour.

Well this was a horrible article to stumble upon while browsing the internet to try and find some help in coping with my disorder.
I am 23. I am a female. I have BPD. All of my relationships have been unstable. I have a hard time controlling my emotions day to day. But that doesn't mean I am incapable of loving. In fact, I feel I have been more capable at loving than some other people I know who are not suffering this disorder.
just because you had a horrible, personal experience doesn't mean that that is how ALL of us are. All of your suggestions are horrible. Why would you threaten someone who is suffering self harm or alcoholism? How do you think that will establish trust in the relationship, let alone trust for them to come to you when they are feeling unstable? Would you threaten someone with cancer that if they show any symptoms, you will take them to the chemo center and subject them to shaming them for asking help with their symptoms? People with BPD don't understand the concept of manipulation. Being manipulative is coercing someone to do something for you without them knowing you know you are doing so. In my personal experience, I have never been manipulative on purpose because of my BPD. I have simply not had the coping mechanisms to deal with intense feelings. From what you have written, it sounds like your ex was partially suffering from BPD as well was an abusive partner. You have to learn to differentiate the two; just because your partner was abusive on top of being Borderline, doesn't mean the rest of us are; and because of articles like this, it is even harder for people suffering to find help. So thanks, I hope one day you receive counselling as well.

My girlfriend has just disappeared again. This relationship is just a disaster, I can't have any friends we have really violent fights and rough sex she's also an alcoholic and will use Ice. when we both use omg I get abused for hours, I snap and slap her and push her and hurt her I ask her to stop so many times she can't it is just awful, she has no support or contact from family except her Mum. She got cut off from her kids she's burnt every bridge.
The behavior is weird and creates a ton of apprehension. Can't trust her steals my debit and credit cards cheats lies etc etc. The Sex is deviant and kinky. Not a chance of any success cause she sabotages, manipulates etc. She doesn't 100% mean it and I feel for her she sabotages herself too and self harms. I wouldn't recommend seeing someone with this disorder. Very damaging.

I admire and respect people with BPD who get help, and recognize that their behaviors have a terrible impact on others. I respect and admire people with BPD who take responsibility for their actions, and seek to change. Taking responsibility for one's actions (as opposed to saying it is someone else's fault) learning to control their anger and responses, and learning to stop any bullying or abusive behaviours that are theirs is the mark of someone with a mental disorder who is on the way to health. These are also the very things that are the hardest for someone with BPD to do, by the very nature of the disorder. But I know a few people with BPD who have positively taken charge of their lives in this way. (More who haven't, truthfully, but still: change is possible!)

We raised a grand daughter who is now an adult and after many counselling sessions believe she is still struggling with BPD

This makes us appear as if we are more trouble than we are worth! This article is not what we need for our loved ones to think and feel about us. I am beyond disappointed at you all for putting this out for people to read and use as guidance in their lives.

Becky, though you claim to have had BPD yourself, I find this article very unsympathetic and dangerous. You are not a therapist, you should not be giving people advice that could adversely impact the lives of those you know are capable of self harm and suicide. If I, a borderline individual, one who actively seeks help, cops to my negative actions, takes steps to protect those I care about when I feel episodes coming on, were to miss out on a potential relationship because my SO read this and got frightened, I don't know what I'd do! True, people with BPD who don't take responsibility and don't seek to heal themselves are often horrible, (sick, but horrible) it gives you no right to paint us with the same brush. We aren't all Glenn Close in 'Fatal Attraction', and you would know that if you ever had BPD. Some of us are Vincent Van Gogh, and maybe if people were all a bit nicer to him, things wouldn't have worked out the way they did. [moderated]

My husband has BPD and Bipolar and still gets angry outbursts, doesn't always take his meds which are for his moods but he refers they are to make him tired.I wish my life was happy but its not as all my energy is absorbed from giving it to him.Lies,addiction, being aggressive and negative takes its toll on me,my family and leaves me wondering if its best to separate after 30 years marriage. I try to set strong rules in my relationship which is difficult to do if a person gets angry,won't talk or walks away.Finally I admire anyone who has positively been able to improve things for better.

Wow. As a BPD sufferer myself, this article is awful. Don't give people unsolicited advice. This makes us all look absolutely horrible, and any potential partner who reads this is going to run for the hills. Luckily, my boyfriend looks at how I am as opposed to "which disorder I am". This is god-awful.

This is an atrocious article for BPD sufferers.

Wow, a post-breakup revenge article bashing a mental disorder. It seems BPD has A LOT of scorned lovers who like to play victim. Just cause you two didn't work out doesn't mean you need to stigmatize our disorder. I'm sure you're a mental health professional with a perfectly healthy mind and did nothing to negatively contribute to that relationship...