advertisement

BPD and Romantic Relationships: If You Really Loved Me

June 10, 2014 Becky Oberg

Romantic relationships are difficult enough without mental illness entering the equation. But when one or both of the people involved has borderline personality disorder (BPD), relationships can become sheer hell. I live with BPD and was once in a romantic relationship with a man who had BPD and bipolar disorder; it was probably the biggest mistake I ever made. That said, I learned a lot from it.

With Borderline Personality Disorder - Be Prepared for Manipulation

Not only can people with BPD be manipulative, but they can be easily manipulated. My ex controlled my life, and I let it happen because I thought I was in love with him. He had a facial expression that caused me to give in every time. He also convinced me I was trying to manipulate him. He was a master con artist who referred to me as "the fiancee from hell"--and I believed it. I put up with a lot from him because he had me convinced I was the problem.

A relationship with a person with borderline personality disorder can be challenging. Learn what to expect from a romantic relationship with a person with BPD.People with BPD may not always realize they're being manipulative. It may not even be their intention. I sincerely believe my ex was trying to meet his needs the only way he knew how. It is important to establish some rules if you're entering a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder. Set healthy limits. Most people with BPD will initially be angry, but will eventually respect that.

For example, tell a person who self-injures that you will automatically take them to the hospital if they self-harm. Tell an alcoholic that you will not give them money for their addiction. Refuse to be taken advantage of. State clearly how you feel about a request. Be gentle, but firm. Let them know that while they are not responsible for their diagnosis and that they are not bad people, they are responsible for how they manage their symptoms.

When I broke off the relationship, he called me to blame me for his suicide attempt. I refused to talk to him and told him that unless he went back on his meds and back into therapy, it was over. He didn't respect that, so I got a restraining order against him. That got the message through to him.

You may need to take extreme action in a relationship with a person with borderline personality disorder. Know your limits, make them clear, then stick to them!

Remember, You're Dealing with a Sick Person

People with BPD often stopped developing emotionally in childhood. This carries over into adulthood as unhealthy coping skills such as substance abuse and self-injury. You are dealing with a sick person and should adjust your attitude accordingly. Be patient, but don't be a doormat.

My ex was fond of pointing out my symptoms while denying his. He eventually went off his medication, saying, "Medication don't do nothing Jesus can't." He denied he was sick and told me I was the one who was sick. He was fond of telling me, "If you don't calm down I'll have you I.D.ed!" (An I.D. is a 24-hour psychiatric hold.) Healthy relationships do not have this element of fear. Healthy relationships face conflict and work to overcome it. Thus, a relationship with a non-mentally ill person can be unhealthy, and a relationship with someone with a mental illness can be healthy. It all comes down to how you handle conflict.

Learn What You Can About Borderline Personality Disorder

If you're going to enter into a relationship with someone with BPD, learn what you can about the illness. HealthyPlace.com is an excellent resource with pages ranging from the symptoms of BPD to types of treatment to information about medication. Knowledge is power, and the more that you know, the more you'll be able to prepare for the highs and lows of the relationship.

You can also find Becky Oberg on Google+, Facebook and Twitter and Linkedin.

APA Reference
Oberg, B. (2014, June 10). BPD and Romantic Relationships: If You Really Loved Me, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, June 16 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/borderline/2014/06/if-you-really-loved-me-bpd-and-romantic-relationships



Author: Becky Oberg

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Chris
June, 3 2017 at 11:42 am

I to have seen BPDs lit up as though we have no soul or capable of love at all...I feel so deep both directions Love/Hate at times when ultimately afraid. I live with a core of shame. I work hard to change..not because I want to manipulate..but because it sucks being the one constantly hurting those you love. I dunno just seems like BPDs are the toxic blame people these days. I know I'm sick..and I keep trying.

Aaron
August, 27 2016 at 4:12 pm

I could use some help from some of you non-BPDs who are committed to loving and trying to stay with your BPD. After two years we have come to the point of our first relationship pause and during this time I want to recalibrate my limits and clearly look at this relationship. As with most posts I've read its been full of the most amazing love, and also wicked mood swings, hurtful accusations and down right verbal abuse. I'm a giver and probably good for my ego to be the champion on the white horse (for lack of a less stupid analogy) and fix things and reassure my BPD when she feels abandoned. However, regardless I do love her with all my being and do very much see her trying.
But, during this pause (weeks to months) and while we continue to see a therapist, what should I be asking her to do or what should I be focusing on so I can respect my self and eliminate every feeling like I have to walk on eggshells again.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Murray
June, 24 2017 at 9:59 am

I too am dating a BPD person. I love her with all my heart but we have broken up at least twice in all of the 12 months we have been together. we have been engaged for 8 months but the ring always comes back to me. She says I am not there for her and don't want to be with her and put my kids first over her. none of which is true. We have been broken up for the last week and I want to be with her but I have to take all the blame for everything always. My best friend said RUN FOREST RUN. But I do love her.

MickMonster7
September, 10 2016 at 2:48 pm

All of you must remember that BPD has subtypes and some borderlines aren't aggressive towards others at all and more damaging to self than others and care for others in truly empathetic ways. Please do your research and stop grouping us as all one type!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Tauni
April, 25 2017 at 12:13 am

I was just diagnosed today. I'm already bipolar 1... So to have another thing added to my mental deficiencies is overwhelming. In reading everything on this page I think I was diagnosed wrong. I have never been mean or violent to a partner. I've been in verbal fights, but that's it. I'm actually calm and loving towards people. I take meds for the bipolar part and there's something waiting for me at the pharmacist tomorrow. Not sure what... I just don't relate to any of this... Scary!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Martha
May, 5 2017 at 11:49 am

Thank you for pointing this out , I feel this way also

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Anna
September, 8 2017 at 6:52 am

Yes . Thank for pointing it out for sure. We are not all like this. I do care about my family and friends more them me.
And more judgemental and harsh to myself only. And would manipulate anyone to stay in relationships with me.
I am type who leave if has feelings that he likes me less.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Anna
September, 8 2017 at 6:53 am

Sorry wouldn't I meant

Gia
September, 15 2016 at 1:43 pm

I have been in a relationship with a BPD guy for a year. We've been separated many times but we love each other very much. In the begining there were some signs but I thought it was just that he is a very good looking guy and had lots of fun around and didnt want to settle down. However, he became very quickly involved. Then I had losses in my life and he stood by me, but very soon, he started showing rage for my grief...
One minute he is the sweetest guy on earth and the next he yells at me, calls me names, accuses me that I am seeing other people, and he has hit me many times. He is very manipulative, he distorts reality and he drives me insane. I had lost it a few times and started yelling at him. Most of these times he hit me. A few times he was just trying to calm me or left. He claims that women are inferior to men and I am more a ''man'than a woman because I talk back to him. But I can't show love to someone who calls me names and is aggressive and threatening and bullying even though I understand that it is the disease talking...
He has been in therapy on and off (even before he met me). When he is calms he acknowledges the fact that he has issues but he quickly turns the blame to me telling that I create his triggers, that I dont help him
In the beginning I believed him and I did everything. I tried to change, I even neglected all the other important people in my life, friends, family because he didnt feel comfortable if I did the slightest thing without him
He accuses me every time I walk the dog that I am insane that I care about animals more and that I meet someone in secret at the dog park.
Ive decided to end it for the nth time....but this time I am really exhausted. I love him, I know with committment to therapy he can get better but he doesnt do it. And I cant live the rest of my life like this....
I am not saying that he is a bad person, but his condition makes him have an awful abusive behavior. Is it possible that he doesnt realize that this is not normal? Is it possible that he justifies hitting me and abusing me verbally and emotionally that I deserve this? I really feel sorry because I understand his pain, I've tried to stand by him, but I can not accept abuse. He meets all the criteria of BPD except hurting himself, he hurts others. I am worried that if I leave him he will go back to his old habits of drug and alcohol abuse and reckless driving.
I know that he is madly in love with me, I know that for a fact. I am as well. Besides the abuse. Because I can see beyond the condition. But I can't stand him when he gets into his tantrums. And they are almost daily...I know I should just stay quiet and wait for him to lash out, but he is way too hurtful and I end up crying and screaming at him to leave me alone. I know it doesnt help, but I can't keep my cool when he insults me so much. I dont want to offend BPD sufferers, I know it is a horrible horrible state to be in and I feel so much for all of you guys. I sincerely love my boyfriend and we planned a future together and for the first time in my life I felt so much in love with someone. But I am leaving. I just can not take so much abuse....I can only hope that he will decide to get some serious help. I hope that he lets me go because I am about to lose my mind. I have made my decision but I always go back to him....he comes back apologizing and because every time I see him I melt, I just want to hold him and tell him I love him he wins me over. And then another cycle of hell starts all over again. And I can't take it any more. I feel guilty for leaving him, I never really thought I''d get to this point, I always thought somehow we would work it out but I really want to have a baby and in my 40s I dont have much time and I dont think he will ever be ready for a family even though he says so. I 've read all your stories, I am really sorry for everyone. It helps to know that other people go through the same dreadful experience...not because misery wants company but because it makes me feel that I am not to blame, I am not crazy, I am not a bad person. I've tried. The best way I knew how. Now I have to walk away from a person that is extremely dear to me despite his shortcomings. But I have to put my self interest first, this is the rest of my life and I have to realize that if I stay with this person it will not get better. Only worse. I am super sensitive and I can't deal with all this..
I know that I might not ever be so much in love again with someone, so it is very hard for me to go, but I need to. I 've lost my self respect during that year. It is the most difficult decision I had to make. I know that he is going to make it really hard for me to go, but please pray for me that I can stick to my guns this time...It is really the only option I have left to keep my sanity and to have any chance of having a family..

Lee
September, 25 2016 at 3:57 am

I met my estranged husband 8 months ago and I suspect he suffers from borderline personality disorder.At first I couldn't believe cause it was like a dream come true to meet such a wonderful man.he adored and worshipped the ground I walked on.two months into the relationship the abuse started but we managed to resolve the issues.but every four or five weeks it would start all over again.In June he started accusing of mustabating in my sleep which was not true.accused me of being filthy and living a decietful life before God.Had to apologise and. admit to things I never did.I eventually moved back home and got a job In a far away town.just when I was about to leave the calls started apologising and promising to change and he promptly proposed marriage and we got married the next month.six weeks later I realised I made the biggest mistake of my life cause the abuse got worse and worse,the name calling withholding sex,not talking to me.I left him and moved back home.I love him with all my heart but
I realise he is not the man I fell in love with.I spoke to his family and told them they need to get him help.he is stubborn refuses to acknowledge he has a problem.I'm not prepared to spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells.if he
goes into therapy maybe we stand a chance but for now I've just about hnad it with him.I'm emotionally fragile at the moment because of what this man put me through.The eight month's I spent with him were the worst time of my life.I really feel sorry for people suffering from this disorder but one can't do mych if the person refuses to acknowledge they have a problem.

Sr a Radtke
May, 12 2017 at 6:19 am

What a relief to finally read an article stating both sides. I am bpd and most definitely am have been easily manipulated by several con artists on my day. I often was in reaction a stone cold predator back at them to return the favors after any opportunity came my way to pay back. Good article.

Chris
May, 21 2017 at 7:47 pm

Dealing with abusive people can bd confusing and extremely draining as they tend to cycle between a calm and loving honeymoon period and then shift to volatile and terrifying reactions. You end up crazy trying to predict their next outbursts or recover from their previous attacks. Sometimes separation is the only way to stop the crazy dance between love and hate.

Sue
July, 8 2017 at 1:22 am

This is merely one experience by The blogger who is not a mental health provider, and merely one experience with bpd not representative of the dusease as a whole and not entirely accurate either.

Cliff
August, 6 2017 at 4:08 pm

Hello, I been wondering about BPD people who have suicidal thoughts myself. Is it a common situation for people with Borderline Personality Disorder BPD, get suicide thoughts often if things they desire about don't workout for them?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Sarah Budden
August, 8 2017 at 8:42 pm

Yes. Bpd people think in black and white ways so something is either good or bad. If something is good it's the best thing ever but if it is bad, they catastrophise it. One of the 9 symptoms of bpd is suicidal thoughts and attempts making it one of the most destructive and less understood disorders

Anthony Greer
September, 10 2017 at 6:23 pm

I have not been diagnosed with BPD but I show all the signs and I am bipolar 1 have anxiety nos PTSD explosive anger and imy personality changes in a second from super nice sweet to anger violence abuse and tearing doors down breaking stuff and yelling screaming false losses fear of being alone and fear of abandonment and obsessivness with my fiance I am struggling very hard feel worthless at time's and unstoppable at other's drug addiction and it's ruining my relationship I need a doc that will actually listen to me I am a male whom this fits perfectly along with my bipolar bull to go along with it after I explode then I am very apologetic and complimentary and exsesive in telling her how much I love her and what she means to me I have no insurance I work for myself and I just got out of prison for the third time I am freaking out and can't deal with my head my finance just went to rehab said she be back home when she gets out after an physically abusive fight I thought even though she said this I was still loosing her I we were split up and she told me that it was to hard to hear my voice and text me that it made her want to come home and not go to rehab I understood but could not excessively texting and calling so she blocked me from texting and stopped answering the phone I didn't mean to make it harder on her but couldn't stop I know I have BPD and need help with no insurance and I live in Eufaula Oklahoma and little resources available can't go to inpatient treatment or hospital because I can't leave my house by its self because I will get robbed blind can anyone help me

Tiffany
September, 19 2017 at 3:08 am

I have BPD and let me tell it to you straight. I have not nor will I EVER hit a person. I can't even tell a person off without crying and wanting to hurt myself afterwards. Yes, I can get VERY emotional and have hurt people with words especially through text and online, but I have never never hit a person. Stop trying to say all of us the BPD are abusive hitters or manipulators. I don't want to hurt anyone so I push everyone away. I even choose not to date! I am sorry you are going through this with someone, but have you thought maybe your partner is just I don't know, an [moderated]? Quit trying to put a bad mark on people with a mental illness who actually care about others. Everyone is different.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Aiyana
September, 28 2017 at 7:18 pm

Thanks so much for speaking up, because this article actually caused me pain....it hurt me to read this because I'm not sick....I can't help it if I have something that makes me different, and I don't know how people who do have BPD are manipulators, it makes zero sense....we fear abandonment....thats not our fault.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Cait
October, 11 2017 at 2:27 pm

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Thank you guys for saying these things. This article is one sided, and although this person has freedom of speech, I really wish people would look at other perspectives before writing something ad if it were a factual scientific article instead of what it is. This one person's opinion.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kristen
October, 11 2017 at 8:18 am

I too have bpd and I’d never hurt a fly! I hold down a job in fact I’m in management. I have a house, a car. I am quite comfortable. I won’t say that I am not a manipulative ass sometimes but I am a very emotional person actually. I get angry I cry and take a nap and I’m good. Or I Work and don’t talk to anyone. But 8/10 I am pretty functional. I have chosen not to date for this reason because once people know what I have because of articals like this it puts me in that bad rep. And I’m accused of being a narc which is so not true. When I was younger I did self harm but I’m healthy now. But yes when someone tells you that they have something it’s also good to research or go to therapy with them to learn them.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Raisin
November, 3 2017 at 10:15 am

There are a couple of folks here with BPD who think because they don't physically hit the person without BPD, that it's OK. The torrent of verbal abuse and emotional manipulation is extremely damaging in itself. We realise those with BPD are struggling themselves and may not truly mean what they say but being on the receiving end is very difficult which is why some of us come to forums like this to get some emotional support.

Georghia
October, 1 2017 at 10:31 pm

I have EUPD/BPD and I am sick to death of being told I'm manipulative or scheming or a bully or a gaslighter by articles like this wherin the authors whom do not understand further perpetuate the stigma. Are some people with EUPD manipulative and horrible? Yes. Just like any non-mentally ill person. But to say we are all that way is detrimental and wrong on every count. I borke off my OWN relationship with some friends because I got more sick and they didn't leave because they understood. My psychiatrist doesn't believe in EUPD and tells actual lies on my medical records, so we are fighting for help against ignorant people in psychiatry who discredit and invalidate our illness and then we have to deal with people like you branding us as horrible and evil manipulators/bullies. Please do not date anyone with BPD again, author, you don't unerstand a shred without going through it.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Georghia
October, 1 2017 at 10:32 pm

*Broke sorry for the typo

Kyle Kaefer
October, 10 2017 at 7:09 am

I recently got out of a year relationship with a girl, who I still consider a friend, who has BPD. I knew what I was getting into before we got more serious but things got to be much with her. She always slept all day, no ambition, couldn't hold a job, failed school, and always very negative. I am a very caring person so by nature I helped and nurtured as much I could but it never seemed good enough. I have her attention all the time and show her love but it didn't always seem mutual. She was always looking for attention when I was giving her all the attention she needed. It got pretty bad to the point where she didn't shower for days, was throwing up all the time, and was very sad. It seems you can only prepare so much for people like this. It's been about 3 months since we broke up and we chat every ounce in awhile and saw each other a couple times, but in her head she is a huge failure and looks at what happened another disappointment in her life. I would tried to talk to her after we broke up and she just ignored me and wouldn't let me speak I feel and how we can maybe resolve. We had began arguing a little more and it led up to a bad argument and I told her too move out but didn't really meant and she just totally took it to heart and didn't try to talk and work it out. I'm a good dude, it's my blessing and curse. I still care for her and she will always have a piece of my heart but my life is probably better off without her. You cannot change someone, they got to want to change themselves. I have been missing her a lot lately and feel like she kind of pushed me aside and thinks well it's just another let down in my life, but it hurts me cause it seems like there's no relief for me. Being alone sucks but I wish her the best, she is a cool girl and unique in her own ways she just has to believe it for herself. Any replies is much appreciated, thanks!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Luci
October, 21 2017 at 5:44 am

Wow, youre so great and supportive. My girlfriend has BPD and im trying to help her out, Im holding tightly into her and Im aware of most of the things I should be aware of. But Thank you for your Expirence, it opened my eyes to what may I encounter in the future :)

Lucy
October, 11 2017 at 1:41 pm

This article is absolutely terrible, just because you encountered a manipulative person that happened to have BPD does not mean every person with BPD is manipulative. I’ve just got out of the marriage from hell due to domestic abuse and I have BPD and I can tell anyone that I am so sick of people blaming us for our illness. The ignorance in this article is unreal. Not everyone with BPD behaves the same. I’ve never hurt anybody but myself. I will hold my hand up and say when In crisis mode my words can be appalling but I have never physically hurt anybody. Never been in trouble with the police and most importantly I am the one who has had stalkers and manipulative ex’s not the other way round. It’s so hard to live with this I’llness everyday. It’s like a constant battle in your head. Yet I am a full time and I mean 24/7 single parent to 2 very small children playing mum and dad. But there’s just no credit for people with BPD it’s always what they’ve done wrong not what they’ve actually done right. Thank you for making my day much worse!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Dan
October, 20 2017 at 4:01 am

I understand yes my BPD girlfriend has been abusedand manipulated all her life also sheltered. She doesn't cope with relationships very well. I feel for her but also struggle to understand.

Catskills
October, 11 2017 at 4:25 pm

I've known literally 1000's of people in my line of work. I've also known two officially diagnosed BPD people. EVERYTHING you said of them was true. And then some. To me, if they even HAVE a heart, it's that of an animal. Attention seeking, braggarts, angry, Schadenfreud-istic horrible monsters. One in particular I know is a reviewer for Amazon, so she's a professional liar too. Ex druggie/alcoholic, she seeks out others out online, on any venue she can get on and causes trouble w/ her lies. All of the doctors in the world cannot help these people. They enjoy trying to inflict pain; It's their hobby and pleasure. My mother had passed away a few years back, and when ''she''found out, the following week she made fun of her death on face book. It gets worse, but you get the picture. There is nothing she won't do to try and get to you. She has several comments here on this blog already, under several assumed I.D's She writes her fake comment and then answers it too. Heads up.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Natasha Tracy
October, 12 2017 at 4:09 am

Hi Catskills,
I appreciate your opinion on this matter but please try to remember that people are individuals and not all the same.
- Natasha Tracy
- Blog Manager

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Catskills
October, 12 2017 at 7:47 am

I understand your impartiality and position here, as there are always exceptions, but my experiences have all been textbook.
No, I don't know them all; but from what I've read alone, and have experienced first hand, they all, yes all, lay under one proverbial common blanket of intentional deceit, manipulation, lying etc., all the while (admittedly) enjoying their own insensitive and ugly behavior! Reveling in misplaced joy at the intentional pain and cruelty they've inflicted at another's expense, FINALLY gave their illness an actual name.
Borderline personality disorder.
This condition put psychiatrists, psycho analysts, therapists etc. at a complete loss for a positive or productive treatment of this esoteric class of misfits. The borderlines.
They do not want to admit they are 'sick', or even honestly participate in change! Giving one, or all too similar excuses after another, as to why they are, the way they are. "I'm not sick! My parents did this to me".
If the highest most educated doctors and professionals in the field of the mentally ill, throw up their own hands at the lack of any useful treatment or positive prognosis for this group then I'm not alone in my own opinion of the apparently incurable group of people that appear to be the only "intentionally" cruel crowd; as opposed to being the helpless and truly, suffering sick.

Ellen
October, 12 2017 at 1:18 am

What you’re explaining sounds like abusive relationship/s, not those of someone with BPD. We love deeply! We’re all or nothing. Black & white! We’re not abusive people. I find your article offensive and rude.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Christal
October, 13 2017 at 5:35 pm

I find it offensive as well. We are not abusive we love intensely. You have no idea what it feels like to have such intense emotions like we do. It is a blessing and a curse. Our illness does not define us. It is not our fault.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Erik B
October, 16 2017 at 11:16 pm

The ironic part of your comments is that folks with BPD absolutely ARE abusive. Simply because you bend everything to your own personal worldview and take zero responsibility for your actions.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Jade L
October, 17 2017 at 7:15 pm

Erik, I absolutely agree with you, 500%. I couldn't have said it any better. I'm currently in a relationship with a BPD & one that abuses drugs. The past 2.5 years have been complete hell.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

TJ
October, 19 2017 at 7:35 pm

For a person with BPD to make that comment is completely understandable. They see and feel different then those who do not have BPD. I have been around the block . . . 4 serious relationships in my life and many un-serious ones. And then I fell deeply in love with a women with BPD. I still am and I will be for a very long time, but I have never in my life seen or been punished like this. She loves me to death one minute and wishes death on me the next. She has slept with 15 plus men and women in the 4 years I have dated her and it's always my fault. She has broken my arm, nose (twice), shattered my eye socket, broke 4 fingers, knocked out two teeth and chipped 3. Stabbed me with a knife, pen, scissors, keys. Pulled a gun on me, knocked me out with a baseball bat, fractured my tibia, beat me with an extension cord and the buckle end of a belt. I've replaced 4 windshields, 4 tires and lost 5 pair of very expensive sunglasses. She has destroyed new clothes I've bought for her, destroyed my clothes and stole and broken way too many things to list. I've missed work, family functions, workouts and life because I was too beat up to participate. And you know what, it was my fault. I loved her so hard, so tight, so deep that I couldn't see the things I needed to do. I researched for over two years before I stumbled upon BPD. When I found it knew what the problem was but I was too hurt and to unsettled to seek out someone to help me love her completely. Her anger, her violence, her indiscretions were cries for help and I was too stupid, too stubborn, to shocked, too hurt to be her strength. Shame the hell on me. I love her and what has happened in our relationship may very well be more than I can ever move past. Maybe, just maybe, this post will be read by someone who finds themselves in a relationship with a BPD early enough to be the strength their partner needs. My GF knew she was different, she just didn't know why . . . I wish I would have embraced it because I truly believe she wanted to just love me but didn't know how.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

KMae
June, 28 2019 at 4:46 am

I know this is years old but This helped me so much. How can we get help for our significant others?? Or get them to see they need some sort of help??

June, 29 2019 at 4:28 am

Hi there, I'm really glad this article has helped you a lot. It's a really good question. A good place to start could be to have a look at the Healthy Place Hotlines and Referral Resources https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer… as there may be some useful organizations for you on there. It can be tricky to help others see that they may benefit from support. I don't have a quick fix answer, but I think asking open, non-judgemental questions might. be helpful, for example: "I've been thinking about you lately and it looks like you are struggling, would you like to talk about it?" Take care of yourself. - Rosie Cappuccino, Author on The More Than Borderline Blog.

Miranda
October, 14 2017 at 5:34 am

This article triggered a touch of shame, guilt, pain, confrontation and sadness in me. It's important for me to understand the impact i have on my loved ones. I know plenty of my exes probably shudder at the sound of my name.
I felt completely justified in all my behaviours in past relatioships. I was reacting to pain. being volatile, untrustworthy and manipulative.
I had no idea why my relationships kept failing and why nobody was kind or compassionate??
You know why? My guess is its hard to love someone who a. Doesn't love themselves. b. is like a ticking time bomb?
It wasn't until a recent ex broke up with me, very plainly and simply explained he had fallen out of love with me and he had to look after himself as he felt my constant cries for attention were going to make him sick. I have no compassion for BPD. Its an ugly disorder. The more i separate myself from the symptoms/behaviours the better I feel.
if you have BPD, Im so very sorry! big hugs.
I'm lonely, hurting and sad.
If loved ones didn't tell me, i couldn't fix it.
yes, this article triggered a few yucky feelings. but I'm also sad for her. she loved him too at one stage and his Illness hurt both of them. to me, that's so sad:( I dislike BPD stigma... but sometimes I need a reality check in order to seek help or initiate a little more awareness of my behaviour.

iambpdanditdoesntdefineme
October, 19 2017 at 11:18 am

Well this was a horrible article to stumble upon while browsing the internet to try and find some help in coping with my disorder.
I am 23. I am a female. I have BPD. All of my relationships have been unstable. I have a hard time controlling my emotions day to day. But that doesn't mean I am incapable of loving. In fact, I feel I have been more capable at loving than some other people I know who are not suffering this disorder.
just because you had a horrible, personal experience doesn't mean that that is how ALL of us are. All of your suggestions are horrible. Why would you threaten someone who is suffering self harm or alcoholism? How do you think that will establish trust in the relationship, let alone trust for them to come to you when they are feeling unstable? Would you threaten someone with cancer that if they show any symptoms, you will take them to the chemo center and subject them to shaming them for asking help with their symptoms? People with BPD don't understand the concept of manipulation. Being manipulative is coercing someone to do something for you without them knowing you know you are doing so. In my personal experience, I have never been manipulative on purpose because of my BPD. I have simply not had the coping mechanisms to deal with intense feelings. From what you have written, it sounds like your ex was partially suffering from BPD as well was an abusive partner. You have to learn to differentiate the two; just because your partner was abusive on top of being Borderline, doesn't mean the rest of us are; and because of articles like this, it is even harder for people suffering to find help. So thanks, I hope one day you receive counselling as well.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

William
October, 22 2017 at 5:43 pm

Bravo iambpdanditdoesntdefineme. Yes, you are capable of loving, and being loved. Yes, BPD can lead to some rough days. But I love the whole woman, not just the fun parts. When she has a bad day, WE have a bad day together. Because if she is willing to share the good with me, how can I not be willing to share the bad together too? The key word... together.

Dan
October, 20 2017 at 3:37 am

My girlfriend has just disappeared again. This relationship is just a disaster, I can't have any friends we have really violent fights and rough sex she's also an alcoholic and will use Ice. when we both use omg I get abused for hours, I snap and slap her and push her and hurt her I ask her to stop so many times she can't it is just awful, she has no support or contact from family except her Mum. She got cut off from her kids she's burnt every bridge.
The behavior is weird and creates a ton of apprehension. Can't trust her steals my debit and credit cards cheats lies etc etc. The Sex is deviant and kinky. Not a chance of any success cause she sabotages, manipulates etc. She doesn't 100% mean it and I feel for her she sabotages herself too and self harms. I wouldn't recommend seeing someone with this disorder. Very damaging.

Mary Lou Beams
October, 23 2017 at 7:36 am

I admire and respect people with BPD who get help, and recognize that their behaviors have a terrible impact on others. I respect and admire people with BPD who take responsibility for their actions, and seek to change. Taking responsibility for one's actions (as opposed to saying it is someone else's fault) learning to control their anger and responses, and learning to stop any bullying or abusive behaviours that are theirs is the mark of someone with a mental disorder who is on the way to health. These are also the very things that are the hardest for someone with BPD to do, by the very nature of the disorder. But I know a few people with BPD who have positively taken charge of their lives in this way. (More who haven't, truthfully, but still: change is possible!)

Carole Young
November, 8 2017 at 2:32 pm

We raised a grand daughter who is now an adult and after many counselling sessions believe she is still struggling with BPD

Christen Noel Huffman
December, 30 2017 at 4:45 pm

This makes us appear as if we are more trouble than we are worth! This article is not what we need for our loved ones to think and feel about us. I am beyond disappointed at you all for putting this out for people to read and use as guidance in their lives.

Duke Loomis
January, 22 2018 at 12:18 pm

Becky, though you claim to have had BPD yourself, I find this article very unsympathetic and dangerous. You are not a therapist, you should not be giving people advice that could adversely impact the lives of those you know are capable of self harm and suicide. If I, a borderline individual, one who actively seeks help, cops to my negative actions, takes steps to protect those I care about when I feel episodes coming on, were to miss out on a potential relationship because my SO read this and got frightened, I don't know what I'd do! True, people with BPD who don't take responsibility and don't seek to heal themselves are often horrible, (sick, but horrible) it gives you no right to paint us with the same brush. We aren't all Glenn Close in 'Fatal Attraction', and you would know that if you ever had BPD. Some of us are Vincent Van Gogh, and maybe if people were all a bit nicer to him, things wouldn't have worked out the way they did. [moderated]

Karen Watts
January, 23 2018 at 12:01 am

My husband has BPD and Bipolar and still gets angry outbursts, doesn't always take his meds which are for his moods but he refers they are to make him tired.I wish my life was happy but its not as all my energy is absorbed from giving it to him.Lies,addiction, being aggressive and negative takes its toll on me,my family and leaves me wondering if its best to separate after 30 years marriage. I try to set strong rules in my relationship which is difficult to do if a person gets angry,won't talk or walks away.Finally I admire anyone who has positively been able to improve things for better.

Alice
January, 26 2018 at 12:47 pm

Wow. As a BPD sufferer myself, this article is awful. Don't give people unsolicited advice. This makes us all look absolutely horrible, and any potential partner who reads this is going to run for the hills. Luckily, my boyfriend looks at how I am as opposed to "which disorder I am". This is god-awful.

Isobel
January, 27 2018 at 3:37 pm

This is an atrocious article for BPD sufferers.

Amanda
January, 28 2018 at 11:37 pm

Wow, a post-breakup revenge article bashing a mental disorder. It seems BPD has A LOT of scorned lovers who like to play victim. Just cause you two didn't work out doesn't mean you need to stigmatize our disorder. I'm sure you're a mental health professional with a perfectly healthy mind and did nothing to negatively contribute to that relationship...

Leave a reply