Leaving Abuse – What to Expect in the Months That Follow

The whirling emotions of the day I left continued into the next months. I continued to hold on to the positive feelings and thoughts with the help of my sister, mother and friends. Without them, I wonder if I would have succumbed to begging forgiveness from Will, begging him to come home, knowing I'd only find myself worse off in the long term.

Within A Month of Leaving Abuse

Feelings and thoughts: Fear, grief, injustice. Sureness of path, planning.

The next two were a roller coaster of events and decisions. I feared Will would return home, so I changed the locks and kept a bat by my bed along with the knife under my pillow. I used our credit card to buy pepper spray, locks, three suitcases and new clothes for the boys and me to fill them in case we had to run in an emergency. I bought a laptop that I told no one about because I thought Will would try to take my computer - my connection to the outside world via my blog.

I addressed fearful scenarios in my mind. What would I do if Will showed up while I slept? What would I do if he showed up during the day? Almost everyone told me, "Will won't do that," but how could they know? Were they there, looking on, during the fights, the abuse? They only knew what Will wanted them to know, nothing more. I felt better after designing answers to my questions; at least I had a plan.

After the fear, I grieved, hard. I grieved the death of the marriage, the death of our family as it was. I grieved because Will was gone, I grieved because I was unable to make the relationship work. For two weeks, I grieved, immobile.

Marc ran away from home, then chose to live with his father. Marc emailed me saying that I was manipulative and controlling. He said that I was sick and he couldn't bear to be around me. He said I was overdosing my medication (anti-depressants) and needed serious help. Marc and his father filled Eddie's ears when Eddie visited his dad's RV.

I knew the truth would come out. I knew my children would see, eventually. If I'd known it would take another year for them to see, I don't know if I could have continued. As it was, I simply believed.

Within Four Months of Leaving Abuser

Feelings and thoughts: Sadness, loss, threatened, abandoned. Ambition, hope, promise, oneness, courage.

In court, the judge granted primary custody of both boys to Will after talking to Marc and Eddie. Eddie wanted to be with his brother; Marc refused to live with me. Will smiled, held it over my head, asked me if this was what I'd wanted because it sure as hell was what I deserved; he offered me a financial pittance in hope I'd tuck my tail between my legs and vanish, humiliated.

When I didn't run, Will took another tact. He began emphasizing that "we are both fit parents" but yet wouldn't allow Eddie to visit me as he desired. He told me to negotiate the money with him, and that would allow him to relinquish control over my paltry visitation.

On my own, I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself at first. I began classes at the local Small Business Association on how to fill out an application, create a resume, and interview for a position. I took a class on entrepreneurship and a creative writing course at the community college (free under the domestic violence program provisions at the Woman's Center).

I didn't know where I was going, but I was moving, figuratively and literally. I didn't want our house. Everywhere I looked I saw a place we'd argued, a place full of malignancy and fear. I didn't know how I would leave, but seeing that Will had primary custody, he was "entitled" to the house. I didn't know from where the money would come so I could leave it.

But then the tax return came and he split it with me. I had enough for deposit and first three months rent to the little house I'd seen in my dreams. I moved out. Everything improved.

A Year Away From Abuser

Feelings and thoughts: Worry, sadness. Wonder, passion, excitement, capability, retribution, faith, comfort, joy, peace, detachment, strength, gratefulness, challenge.

Once in my own home, free of memories and oppression, I found work. I enjoyed the labor for it offered a zen-like healing. I began to see evidence that it was, in fact, going to be all right.

I missed my children, but it wasn't long before Eddie was with me almost half time. Marc was visiting too although with fewer days than his brother. I thought that, in time, he would come around also.

I began practicing detachment from Will and his abusive texts and phone calls. What did I care if he said I was any certain thing or if he saw things differently from me? His words now cemented our demise instead of drawing me close in the cycle of abuse. I couldn't believe I had such joy and peace in my life despite the challenges I faced.

I found a job working with troubled youth, decided to invite a relationship into my life, and experienced butterflies of excitement after so many years of nothingness.

I couldn't see the end, but I could see the beginning to it. I am glad I left, and I am grateful for the challenges I face because I know they're set before me for a reason. I have no doubt that this life I'm creating is the one I'm meant to live. Free of abuse, I am able to spread my wings without fear of torment.