BPD and Romantic Relationships: If You Really Loved Me

Yet another post stigmatising bpd. Disappointing!

The subject of relationships for people with mental illness has the potential to be so positive, but this seems to miss the mark. One bad experience does not make a great picture of anything, especially of people with BPD. People with BPD have so many different attributes as well as challenges that it is hard to get a good picture when you take such a narrow approach.
People with BPD can have successful and good relationships... just like anyone else. Maybe we have a few more challenges but let's not have the world thinking that it's not a good thing.
My other issue is the point you make about people with BPS being "sick people". Maybe some, but definitely not all are "sick". Many function very well in spite of the challenges they face. I have BPD but don't see myself as sick. I know many more who are of the same mindset and it is something that enables us to stay well.
What I find most sad about this post is that it strengthens the stigma that exists around BPD. That is the last thing we need and personally I expect better of Healthy Place.

Bad article! Putting down people with BPD and bashing your ex... Terrible! Can't believe this was allowed to be posted!

This is very discouraging and I don't know the positive msg in this. I have bpd and I believe though I have my flaws I still have a lot to offer on the table. This makes it sound like we don't deserve to be loved. I am sure if the other person is more aware thrn he or she can be more understanding to find a way to make it healthy

Thanks for sharing your story. I have just started a blog about loving one who is an alcoholic with a personality disorder. Blogs like yours help sustain me. I'd love any feedback or comments you might have on my story: dearjohnnarron.wordpress.com

Hello,
As I was reading I had to keep reminding myself, of how much of yourself you have given in your blogs.
This one may not have been the best worded, but it was an honest perspective of what you went through.
I often do not like to face my own 'manipulation' of my ex-partner. I would 'get sick-ill' when he wanted time out with friends or to be alone. I would cry and shout that I am not well enough to be alone!
I often do not want to face my own 'responsibility' for my self harm: my ex, he did the right thing, to refuse, to be involved with this behavior, past calling an ambulance or my GP, he would then walk away. Through his strength, suffering, and pain, I eventually found ways to cope with mine.
I could not have become, stronger, more loving to self and others, if this man did not stand firm, he eventually had to leave me, for me to become, who I am now: a woman in constant recovery process, functioning with BPD, a women worth a little suffering for! I no longer 'manipulate' in such negative ways, or become suicidal when alone. For many of us this. Is/was a brutal truth.
I was also very easily manipulated, my second relationship, cost me, every penny of savings, contents of my flat. This was for similar reasons that you described, another person, telling me, how 'crazy-mental-over reacting' that I was, which would trigger a guilt cycle, I would give-do-buy anything he wanted to make it up to him.
Between these two people, I finally found a way, to start to learn, how to grow myself emotionally, and cope with my symptoms.
If none of this applies to others with BPD, that is wonderful for you, celebrate your fortune, your strength, and please try not to judge those of us, that didn't have your qualities, or your power of expression.
Never give up-we are more than our suffering.
X

hi. i was involved with a man that has bpd. he was mental cruel and abusive to me. that is not a judgment. it's a fact. he was also very good to me. that too is a fact. i loved this person very much, but felt that it could be dangerous for me to stick around. he was also rejecting. push, pull, push, pull. i wish i had known more about bpd. maybe if i would have been like the woman whose article is being criticized right now -- firm with boundaries, and unwilling to put up with his BS, we might still be together. i still love this man. so, i would ask people on here that have bpd, please don't be insulted. just like we don't know what it's like to be on your side, you don't know what it's like to be on the receiving end of your hurtful rage and behaviors. if there's no honest communication, and changes, and just pretty stories, how can we ever come together? i wish so much that i could've stayed with my bpd. just because nons see your faults, and you certainly see ours, doesn't mean we don't love you.

This blog isn't about how to help, it's about how to shun people that need help. No one asks to have BPD. I have it. I don't want to manipulate anyone. I just want to be loved and wanted. This is more about bashing your ex than trying to come to a greater understanding of the unlucky people who developed this disease. Would you blog about how much it sucks to be with a blind person or someone in a wheelchair?

And thank you Miss Elizabeth, for your comment. I can relate to your experiences, most definitely. I'm still in a low place right now, trying to deal with my own BPD and crumbling relationship. I wonder if I can ever be in a good enough place to have a healthy relationship. It's this very doubt that triggers my suicidal thoughts.

I feel that this is an extremely unfair explanation of a BPD relationship. My wife has been diagnosed with BPD and we have many challenges. Our fights are like watching the movie Groundhog Day - "You don't love me. Why don't you just leave. I know you want to divorce me" over and over again. When she fights with me, it's like the girl I fell in love with is missing. Her eyes show no emotion as she rages uncontrollably about my need to rake the yard instead of cuddling with her. All she is doing though is seeking for love and acceptance and it comes off rather controlling and, when angry, child-like. To say that her emotional development stopped in childhood, is incredibly insulting. It isn't halted, she is completely capable of acting like an adult. It's the overwhelming amount of emotions constantly switching. At first she is disappointed. Then extremely sad. Suddenly, it switches into a blind rage. After the rage, however, she is capable of being the most loving human being in the world. Her emotional development isn't stunted. It's overwhelming. There is a difference. Everyone with BPD is different, and they all handle it differently. You cannot say "be prepared for manipulation" because everyone with BPD isn't a manipulative person. Try being married to someone with this personality disorder, and watch them be fearful to the point of insanity that the thing they care the most about is going to leave. Try watching them struggle to express their emotions "like a normal person", it's painful. There aren't words to describe how heartbroken she looks when I wake up and get out of bed before her. She doesn't want to make me miserable or to be cruel, she wants to be loved to the fullest capacity a human being can be loved.

Thank you so much Ted.

Ted, I am a married woman with bpd. That was just one of the nicest things I have read so far about a person struggling with this diagnosis. It describes my relationship with my husband very well! Thank you for posting!

This must be based on experience rather than research. Very negative and inaccurate. 'Remember, you're dealing with a sick person' - recent research has suggested it is in fact MORE of a learned behaviour rather than hereditary. It's like having two diabetic parents having a child - the child would have a vulnerability to diabetes but whether or not that person develops diabetes ultimately is determined by lifestyle ie. nutrition, exercise etc. The same can be said for BPD. Calling people with BPD makes it sound like a life sentence, something that's 'incurable'. That's untrue. All learned behaviour can be unlearned - it just takes effort and persistence. Please inform yourself before you decide to put down a whole subgroup of people.
Much love,
A well-educated, healthy, happy BPD 'sufferer' in a stable, loving relationship.

I have spent years in and out of relationships,all have the same beginning's and ending's....All have left me in the most traumatic state of complete abandonment,fear and crippling anxiety....I am now 50years old and mentally exhausted,but have treatment starting in the new year,of which I am going to embrace with both arms...never too late..

This described exactly what my father had to deal with in my Mother. She raged, manipulated, frightened, traumatized, criticized, emotionally battered and scarred all of us, mostly our Father. He was a saint, I will NEVER know how he survived her to his passing. Not only did she have BPD, but extreme panic attack, severe anxiety and depression. She is still living but in a care center now. She got so bad during my father's ongoing illness in thier later years that we had to move her out of thier home into a care center concentrating on mental health care besides her increasing physical inability perhaps due to her lifelong history of mental illness. She was like an only child that never grew up. My mother always had to be the center of attention, demanded to be taken care of in so many indirect ways. Manipulation, guilt, selfishness...the list goes on. She drove a wedge between us and our father when we were just children. Like I said earlier I do not know how my Father survived, he went thru things that no one should ever have to. She physically and emotionally abused my Dad, emasculated him and abused my younger brother. It was a mess. I have dealt and had ongoing management of anxiety/ depression most of my life and battled with my mother all my life. If any of you out there has this and is in a good place, consider yourselves unbelievably lucky and give yourself a truckload of credit. My family is in a ground zero place due to all the turmoil my mother caused, and trust me it was bad. My father as since passed in 2011 and he was the most important person in my life. I miss him dearly and still endure his pain from the past and wonder how he did it. I always hated the behavior and have come to be compassionate towards my mother in her end years now. She drives me crazy, even as she is on psychiatric drugs, it still comes thru.
Thanks for listening. It's a devastating illness.

Hi ted, thank you so much for your post.
It sounds like you truly understand what your wife is experiencing and that you have empathy for her. Sounds like you love her and respect her, even.
I have bpd, I'm a woman in my early 30's and I'm longing for a partner. Thanks for giving me hope that I might be able to find someone able to see me for who I am... all parts of me.

Thank you, Becky.
I ended a relationship with a BPD male a few months ago. I also have a sister who was given the diagnosis back in '02.
I thought I knew what BPD was, that is, until I got into a relationship with this man. Given the relationship I am able to have with my sister, I underestimated how difficult it would be to be in an intimate paring with this man.
He became dangerous and abusive. He ran around telling other people that I was abusing him. At this point, I felt that I had no choice but to break up with him and go no-contact.
A break-up doesn't really mean that things are over, so I am finding myself adjusting my life around avoiding triggering another suicide threat. This means avoiding social media, refusing to talk to his friends when they contact me on his behalf, or letting anyone know what is going on in my life. I truly believe him when he texts or leaves messages saying that he will kill himself.
I just want to say that I appreciate your articles on bullying and standing your ground. I find them inspiring, helpful and thought provoking.
For instance, it never dawned on me that I could get a restraining order if he continues to violate my boundaries pertaining to no-contact.
I'll keep reading. It helps in ways I'm having trouble explaining.
Thank you, again.
I wish you the best.

Thnnk you ted.

It's sort of horrifying to see some of the remarks people have left, and mostly so because their reactions are completely other-sided, maybe they have BPD themselves (that would definitely explain hating on this article) or maybe it's somebody they love. I actually HAVE BPD, confirmed and diagnosed, perhaps I am further along in my treatment but we need to learn to understand what we're doing and why. Substance abuse is a big one, and I found myself 'requesting' substances from my dearest person. One of the biggest problems is finding issues with the world (someone you love, a rainy day, this article) when honestly we need to look inward, not for blame- but for reasoning. Never did she once say to dump them, that the relationship couldn't work etc. All she said is that you need to set boundaries (as is the same with any relationship) and stick to them because people with BPD DO, and I repeat DO have manipulative ways of dealing with things. Please look inside yourself today instead of hating on internet dabble and searching google for tips and clues about your illness that you're simply dying to ignore.

Alexia, thank you.
Are views on here one sided? Probably. After three years of dealing with my very abusive stepdaughter, I am glad she ran to her grandparents home. Yes, glad. She can say we abused her, she can say we enslaved her. She can say whatever she wants. Enough people know the truth and she can live in her world of absolute untruths (not accepting abuse is NOT abuse to her, unloading a dishwasher once a week is not enslavement)
This girl knowingly and intentionally triggered service connected PTSD. She gleefully admitted trying to destroy my marriage because daddy would not take her mother back for countless acts of infediltity. I fought hard to recover from my own abuse and military service. My compassion for her had dried up. At what point with BPD is it okay for others to walk away? How much assistance, explanations and effort does someone have to put in before leaving the ABUSE is okay???? This is not the first person with these behaviors that have gotten angry for my having had ENOUGH. The cry is the same even if it has been YEARS. ENOUGH.
It is not someone's fault for the bod

But it isn't MY fault either. Take action to fight the disorder will get you further with me than baming ME for YOUR behavior. Tell me you feel insecure. I might surprise you and care. Scream at me? Not so much.

I enjoyed all comments. I was diagnosed only about 4 yrs ago & I am 51. To the 50 yr old - better late than never for sure. I chose not to look at this as a sickness! But all of a sudden things in my past made sense, I understood myself better. That said, my work had just begun! I used the symptoms of the disorder that I seemed to manifest & most & worked on those, in group therapy using DBT. I had a private therapist as well. I believe this is something I have to stay on top of though! I read everything i can get my hands on. People that r very negative, or use this against me or bring me down, well, i just cant b around them. I haven,t had a love relationship work yet but thank u Ted, u give me hope! I can slip though, like falling off the wagon - in fact happened recently! I am still trying to get back to a better place & I intend to but negativity certainly doesnt help! We r all works in progress. Bless each & every one of u wherever u may b in ur personal struggle! B

I have had BPD, for as long as I can remember and one thing I use to regulate it is music and having a partner who also has BPD. When she goes ballistic, it makes me feel more loved and needed, which brings inner peace to me and BPD is easy to calm if you know the buttons. I think one of the major problems that the comments here highlight is someone with BPD attempting to date someone without the condition which is living hell. There are certain types of people that will threaten our condition much more than others so understanding this is paramount.
While many are pointing out negative attributes to BDP, there are many benefits of it as well, which is living in a complex, multi=faceted world of emotion and imagination that the real world simply cannot compete with. I really would perish in what most consider a normal, healthy relationship and honestly want no part of that linear existence. I go to work as a means to an end, my relationship is my fantasy and life. I do not want realism; I want a constructed stage than my partner, and I build together where we stand against the universe. Anything less is pointless and easily dismissed. We have been together nearly ten years now; I didn't honestly think before her that I would ever last in a relationship more than six months to a year. I went through about 200+ to find the woman I idealize and love. The idealization of love is the most important part, in the same way, the covers of DVDs and how they look are much more important than the film. I am fortunate to have learned to find happiness within this chaos. Once you have a better understanding of how to manipulate it and develop it, you stand a chance of finding happiness. I empathize with those that have not found the path I have and hope you find peace within your journey.

i love hearing how awful and evil i am bc of my disorders. love it

thank you Ted and Malcom...gives me hope of some day finding a partner.something yearned for my whole life, a real family. I'm nearly 60, my BPD is recently being triggered by hormonal changes, yup, hormone replacement for bone loss, going thru menopause and extreme stress over a back injury, loss of income, endless debt and no solid support with relationships. personally I'd rather see the positive on here from people with BPD, not the negatives from those who have never lived it, and are speculating at best on other people's motivations.

I had never heard of bpd until yesterday when I was searching for symptoms my wife exhibits on a daily basis. I moved out a month ago because I couldn't take the toll the stress was taking on me physically. I've tried to reason with her and plead. But when I try to distance myself for a little while to let her cool off or try to defuse the situation. I come home hours later to the locks being changed and the police at my house. With accusations of physical abuse. Sure there was physical abuse. Just not by me. Sure I got mad and I'll admit said some horrible things. But I take responsibility for those. How can you reason with someone who is never wrong or apologetic. No matter what she does its my fault for causing her to react the way she did. And will continue to lie when I know the truth. U can't help someone who has nothing wrong with them and it's always someone who causes her vindictive ways. Sorry for the long reply just don't know what to do. Shes about got me convinced that I'm the one with all the issues. I can't help but be guarded when she intentionally tries to punish me for imagined wrongs. I've read so many opposite suggestions. Is there hope or is there?

if you like the quite ordinary life you wont find it with a person living not suffering with bdp. those that don't allow them selves help and therapy. sorry but there daily life is to much of a challenge. to even be able to take care of themselves let alone a partner. but those living with bdp. that's a different story my wife lives with bdp .yes we have bad times but the good out weighs the bad times. my wife does have rages well they call them that but to me my wife just gets a little more angry. but only rages when all else fails. she is a very busy mum who does an amazing job of raising our children. while battling constant thoughts and the belief she does not deserve her family .don't get me wrong the lady can boom if she feels the need .she does not like to be bored this can lead to finding other outlets for her energy. so we live a very active life in all areas lol .i cant tell you how to game your lady or fella but you gotta find what makes them addicted to you .without manipulating them any sighs of ill intent will only reinforce there own belief your an idiot .and they will play you not game you .if you dont know the difference too play is to play for object or gain. to game is to keep them hooked on you. they love attention good or bad .they will take both i find if i bombard my wife with too much detail .she finds it annoying because of black white thinking plain facts work best otherwise all good .i have the skin of a rhino you need one too .my wife can say some of the most hurtful words but i am mature enough to not to say them. back i say thank you this gets to her and make her realize that she is hurting me .because im thanking her for her shitty behavior it works for me .the push pull thing my wife cant help but do .when my wife pushes away she goes and stays with friends. its better that way than pushing her away by trying to pull her closer. this can trigger a fear of control and me being needy. i do have human needs like every one my wife does meet them all as i do hers above and beyond. but on my wife this is a great strain. my wife will not ask for advice but loves to receive it complicated yes .very but i also had to learn my self when she was asking or just explaining something to me. like she may say a friend is having an affair its bad this is asking my advice on the matter .any think more and my wife is explaining to me .i dont say tell my advice always explain. this is adult you tell a child you explain to an adult. i find i get a lot less hassle its part of the rejection thing my wife in the early days of our life together found it belittling to be told .and had beliefs i rejected her as an adult the issues bdp face are most from child hood. avoid this time in there lives its pain for them and you your too close to them. only after they have faced and had therapy for that time in there life. my advice wait till they are ready to open up too you and after you have been tested to the max .to see if your trust worthy. somewhere in there life they got let down badly and unfortunately this stays with them. and you will be tested daily for the whole relationship you have to be trust worthy from the start and understand the fact you cant fail. dont be secretive dont be inconsistent. work your relationship around each day i find my wife is to busy thinking about today to think of tomorrow. gotta love diaries pls dont be cruel with there thinking or feelings example your partner may tell you a friend is being horrible dont feed this you will know when you need to agree with them. this can be a test to see if you like there set of friends. because they may not ask how you feel about there friends they need to be able to trust you with there friends .pls dont make the mistake of chatting to there friends about them without them .they may blow you both out there lives trust and abandonment issues may kick in be careful. in other words don't talk about them behind there back even good things will seem negative. as researched and witnessed in my own marriage bdp relationships are not for the insecure needy types. you need a strong will strong heart and mind and thick skin. you have to be every thing a bdp needs not wants. they like you to be stroppy this gives them the drama they crave .don't give in to the drama its wont help no one. positive thinking direct action they need this daily .or so iv come to believe be firm not angry i have been married for 16 years together 20 years my life has been bat crap crazy since but i cant say ive had an ordinary life if u like not knowing who you gonna wake up next to every day and dont mind the rock hard place scenario dont give a monkey if ur loved or not then a bdp relationship is a good thing otherwise get out you may lose all hope and sanity i hope i offended nobody sorry if i have

It all comes down to how you handle conflict. offended...betrayed...hated... im bpd and thats what triggers my emotional side. then I react offended just as all the bpds just poste here. honestly we cant take critism. read the bible let Gd tear down the walls with his words dont be offended by Gd its a humble issue. as Jesus said some fall and are offended. we bpds are usually spiritual but never ACTUALLY read the whole bible for healing. I stopped dating and stopped idolizing my abusive boyfriends because it was deaths lure. I read hosea and isaiah and gave that energy to gd and said im going after gd the way im going after my ex bf. abusive relationships are the secret suicide that nobody could blame me for STOP IT it IS evil and if your bpd your still heading towards* gravitation towards* going towards *death. read ..the..bible...desire Gd not death.

"a women worth a little suffering for! I no longer ‘manipulate’ in such negative ways, or become suicidal when alone."
I think this statement is a great example of some of the distorted thinking that compells and allows some of the behaviors associated with BPD that are destructive to interpersonal relationships. From my view, I would not have the expectation that someone I loved and loved me was required to suffer to prove their love or worth to me. Hopefully, trust, love and loyalty had developed and my partner would be with me to help weather storms that came, while I did the same for her.

Greetings. I am a recovered Borderline in love with unrecovered Borderline. I am more healthy than him emotionally, have superior coping mechanisms, and much higher self esteem. This is because I was lucky to find a wonderful psychiatrist who also does my therapy, because I am a parent ( two kids 23 and 7 who adore me) and because I was married to a very supportive man for over 20 years before he came out to the world as gay.
( we still have a great relationship with him by the way)
So no, I dont have to deal with him, (my borderline boyfriend) and yes (since I knew what he was) I could have run away from him after the first date. But you know what made me stay? Empathy and love, and our moral requirement as humans to pay it forward. I got better because somebody loved me, and now I am helping him get better by loving him. Yes,
I do set boundaries, and yes I have made him suffer the consquences for his own actions. But when he is sorry I take him back- bacuse first hand I know how sorry a borderline can feel after acting out. (sorry enough to feel like you are a really bad person and deserve to die, and sorry for all the pain we caused) Abandoment is our greatest fear, so you abandoning us is pure torture to our mind our soul and our heart. I have been in this relationship for 2 years now and I love him so much. Partially because he is so sweet and funny when symptom free, and partially because its like I found myself in his soul.
I really know what he is going through, and I truely understand what he wants and needs- because frankly, I was him over 20 years ago: unloved, unwanted, depressed, suicidal, angry, and DESPERATELY seeking someone to care about me. We are not manipulative, we do not mean to hurt you, and we do not want to ruin your life- although it might seem like it. We really just want to be loved and for you to heal the awful pain from our past. So yes, it does take a strong person to love a Borderline, but if you take that chance and love us, see it through until we heal, we will be a grateful and loyal companion for life!

I just read an article about emotional abuse, not BPD.