How My Verbally Abusive Past Still Affects My Daily Life

Recently, I've had to visit doctors regarding my physical health. Usually, I am fine with these mundane appointments, but one particular incident left me shaken and upset. However, it wasn't because I wasn't prepared or something went wrong. Instead, I felt unseen, unheard, and minimized by how the specialist talked to me during my visit.

My Abusive Past Affects Me Even Though I'm Good at Recognizing Triggers 

I was to see a specialist I had never met at this specific doctor's appointment. I was nervous since it was a procedure that was previously unknown to me, and I felt my anxiety rise as the date got closer. I reached out to the office with my concerns and was assured that there would be a consultation before the procedure and I could bring a support person if needed.

This clarity helped ease my mind as I petitioned a friend to make the trip to the doctor's office with me. I knew that things I couldn't control or the unknown created great anxiety for me, so I was doing everything I could to manage these triggers. 

My Abusive Past Affects My Vulnerability and Ability to Read Cues

Unfortunately, once I arrived at my medical appointment, I was met with resistance immediately as my support person accompanied me. Thankfully, we both professed that I had already cleared it with the office staff to have someone present with me during the procedure. 

The entire appointment seemed too rushed for me, as I was under the impression that I would get to talk about the procedure before it happened. My anxiety heightened as I kept asking questions and prolonging the doctor's tasks. Then, the specialist met me with some resistance that immediately put me into flight mode. The specialist's comments made me feel unworthy and like I didn't know or understand anything, and I was making a big deal out of nothing. 

My support partner was there by my side as I cried, and she reiterated that I needed time to talk about the procedure and not rush through the appointment. Ultimately, I felt like the doctor was gaslighting me, minimizing my fears, dismissing my anxiety, and trying to push me through something I needed more time to process. 

Recovery Is a Slow Process

After leaving my appointment, I can see now how my verbal abuse past still affects routine activities, like doctor's appointments. Although it may not be a common occurrence, it does still happen when I face a professional who is short or dismissive with me, bringing back those feelings that I thought were gone. 

Recovering from verbal abuse is not quick or static. You may feel fine for weeks, months, or even years. However, you may still face an individual who resurrects these emotions of vulnerability and spirals you back into your past. It's important to recognize that this is a normal healing process, and working through each instance as they come can help you move forward to a better, healthier future.