How To Recover From Emotional Trauma of Domestic Abuse
People wondering how to recover from emotional trauma really want to know how long recovery will take. Unfortunately, there is no solid time frame for recovering from emotional trauma. But, if we can slow down a minute and understand how to recover from emotional trauma, then the how long will it take part will handle itself.
How To Recover From Emotional Trauma When It Is Ongoing
If you are currently in an abusive relationship, I don't want to say you're screwed in your recovery from domestic abuse. But you kind of are. Just a little. Although there are things you can do to recoup from the day's abuses, while living with your abuser, you are continually recouping. You can't get ahead of the emotional and psychological trauma and into recovery when you live with abuse. Yes, you can have great days living with an abuser (see Holiday Madness). But they don't last forever. And for the entirety of the great day you're waiting for the abuse to happen, so it may as well happen. And it eventually does.
As you've probably noticed, when you feel good, your abuser hates it. Abusers do not like you to feel good because happy people are strong people. And strong people have enough self-esteem to leave the abuser's sorry butt. So, as long as you're living in abuse, complete recovery from emotional trauma is practically impossible and at the least, improbable.
Even so, you can recoup some of the mental health you lose each day from psychological trauma by doing things that are good for you. Try:
- Making a visit to your doctor to check for depression or anxiety
- Meditating (or using alternatives to meditation)
- Educating yourself on all aspects of abuse
- Detaching from your abuser
- Calling a domestic violence hotline to vent
- Filling out a domestic violence safety plan
- Building a network of supportive friends (online too), family members, and local domestic violence programs that include support groups
How To Recover From Emotional Trauma When You've Left Your Abuser
There are phases of recovery emotional and psychological trauma victims travel through after getting rid of their abuser. Knowing the phases will help shorten your recovery time because when you know what to expect, you feel less anxiety. And if you're dealing with less anxiety, your recovery from domestic abuse will naturally take less time.
According to the Manitoba Trauma Information & Education Centre, the three stages of emotional trauma recovery are:
- Safety and Stabilization
- Remembrance and Mourning
- Reconnection and Integration
Safety And Stabilization
First, emotional trauma victims should work to regain their feelings of safety and mental stability. Easier said than done, but still doable. What will help you feel safer and mentally stronger? You know yourself best, but here are some suggestions:
- Learn to accept and self-soothe during an emotional crisis as your emotions may bug-out on you at first.
- Pay attention to what triggered your emotional instability so you can avoid or disarm the trigger in the future.
- You might find it very hard to talk about the trauma, so work it out in different ways like meditation, yoga, drawing, writing, running. . . anything that lets your emotions come and go without words.
- That said, get into talk therapy with a professional if at all possible. There's a lot of ground you can cover without speaking of the trauma directly.
- Work to regain worthy connections with friends and family. Don't bother with relationships that diminish or discourage you in any way.
Remembrance and Mourning
Secondly, you've got to work through those memories and mourn the relationship (the relationship you thought it could become, not the relationship as it was in reality). In this phase, you will get to the point where you can discuss your feelings with a wide variety of people in your life. The point is to feel the emotion without allowing the emotion to trick you into feeling the past as if it were the present. Feeling past trauma as if it is happening now is a symptom of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
In this phase, you'll still cry or feel angry or miss the good times or any other emotion as you talk about the trauma. That's okay. No one worth spending time with expects you to be flippant about being traumatized.
If you feel your confidence in your safety or mental stability fading, regroup and slow down. Don't push yourself backward when you're trying to move forward. Ways to work through this period include:
- Maintaining the feelings of safety and stability.
- Talk talk talking.
- Journaling, drawing, painting, arts and crafts, writing or any creative activity.
- Including self-care like eating better, exercising more and paying attention to the thoughts going on in your head. Don't let your negative thoughts control you as much as possible (it's an on-going job).
Reconnection and Integration
This phase is all about releasing the trauma to the past and feeling good about the life you are creating for yourself. Your psychological trauma story no longer defines who you are; it is integrated into the story of you. Here are things you can do to aid the process of reconnection and integration after emotional trauma:
- Everyone says to volunteer and I used to hate it. I was recovering from depression too, so volunteering wasn't really an answer. So if volunteering somewhere isn't a good fit for you, find a way to teach what you've learned from the whole mess. That is the way to grow.
- Make yourself more available to meeting new people. Not lovers, but friends. You may find a lover, but if you find yourself feeling emotionally destabilized or wanting to connect with that person very quickly, then perhaps it is too soon to date.
- Decide what you want in your new life, make a plan, and go for it.
Recovering From Emotional Trauma's Time Frame
There is no time frame for moving through the phases except that it is rational to expect it someone who lived with long-term abuse for years to recover more slowly than it would for someone who experienced emotional abuse for a shorter time.
These phases make sense to me. I would say I'm between two and three because I still remember more often than I'd like, but I am working on reconnecting and integrating into this new life. How much time has passed for me? 5 years. I lived with my abuser for just under 18 years.
One more thing about my healing process. I think this last phase will be the longest. It might last the rest of my life, as long as the abusive relationship did or exactly one more minute. I don't know. But I'm okay with that. One step forward, two steps back; I'm okay with that, too.
I can give you only the time frame I know, which is my own. I would tell you how long it will take to recover if I could. Whatever you do, don't hurry the process. Be like Shrek and think of yourself as an onion - peel away layer after layer until you reconnect with the core of who you are.
APA Reference
Jo, K.
(2015, May 31). How To Recover From Emotional Trauma of Domestic Abuse, HealthyPlace. Retrieved
on 2024, May 6 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2015/05/how-to-recover-from-emotional-trauma-of-domestic-abuse
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
I went through the same exact thing you described. If you ever need to talk I'm here! Single mother of 2
It's been a few years since I left my two-year abusive relationship. Even typing that sentence "MY two-year abusive relationship" seems surreal. I find it so hard to believe that i am a victim of abuse - how did this happen to me, am i justified in feeling the way i do? (.... yes).
I had a similar story as yours. He physically and sexually abused me and took my virginity. But it was the words - the endless insults, put downs, sarcasms, that effaced me the most. I had always been a strong person - independent and confident. I recognised the abuse but i thought i was strong enough to withhold it, but day by day he ground me down and by the end, I was the closest thing to nothing that one person could be. I lost my closest friendships, my family, finances - I felt too guilty and ashamed and too worn down and confused to explain to them. How could I explain a situation, i didn't understand myself? He left me go days without eating, other days he force feed me - i am vegetarian so often he'd make me eat meat. He told me i deserved no better. I've always loved my hair - long, silky and blonde - one night he held me down and shaved my head - he told me it was because he loved me and he didn't want other men's eyes on me. I didn't even cry. Something broke in me with him, and i became an implementable shell - so emotionally numb, and closed off to the world.
Every. single. day. for two years after, i relived it all. Constant, relentless memories, thoughts, insults heralded through my mind, on repeat. I never thought I could move past this, how could i enjoy a life when so much sadness and confusion weighed me down? When i'd lost so much? How do you go back to trust and kindness and innocent living when so much has been taken?
But it happens .... as cliche as it sounds, time is a great healer. It's having the patience. The biggest and most pleasant lesson i've learned is that it doesn't even matter if don't believe in your ability to heal - somehow it just happens. The friends you'd lost, the real ones at least, they will be there when you're ready. I personally, never shared my story with them, i just started allowing myself into their friendship again. I felt so guilty at first, as if they were doing me a favour and i wasn't worthy, but with time, that faded and i started to live within the confines of a friendship again.
I was extraordinary fortunate and by chance fell into counselling with an amazingly kind and supportive therapist who specialised in abuse, rape and violence. I remember the first session - she was asking me questions and she asked me how i felt about therapy and i remember saying "you cannot help me, words and speaking will never undo this, or help me rebuild my life. This i cannot fix, i'm ruined". She never probed me or pushed. Each week, i chatted. Two years on (i've just finished counselling), and i cannot believe how far i've come. I cannot believe how far i've moved past. I still have times/moments where i remember, or a trigger - i think that will always be there, but i've noticed i laugh and i dream, and i'm a person again. I say no. Counselling helped me to redefine and relearn how to have a voice and needs. I spent so many years having my voice stamped out of me and told i wasn't worth one, that i had to re-learn what it was to be a person.
Honestly, i completely understand everything you have said. The helpless, the shame, the obsessive rut, but it will get better. I strongly advise you to get counselling. You will be incredibly low at times, it's a gruelling process, but someday, you'll catch yourself laughing and you will notice for that brief second or minute you were happy and it wasn't tainted. These build, and you will have a life again.
I wish you all the courage in rebuilding you're life - I promise it will get better. You will get better.
Can someone answer this? Why do people keep getting into relationships friendships that turn abusive? I got out of an abusive marriage (cheating lying financial abuse). I couldnt even talk. Well now i just started sharing a place with my son and dil. She is so emotionally and verbally abusive and manipulative it is making me so anxious and scared and i already have an anxiety disorder.
Fran,
When people get into abusive relationships they are often manipulated at the beginning the abuser will make them feel so happy that life appears perfect with them. They build a foundation on love and trust and little by little they use that to their advantage. It's unfortunate and heart breaking.It's a complete betrayal of your trust too..
How we show up in relationships is all about us, not them. Yucky to think of that, but the good news is you have all the power. Attachment theory is an accepted understanding of what we do in relationships -- what you are tolerating is mother's milk to you, so you may not have a radar for it. Understanding the dynamic better will help you have a better radar and what I've heard called a "better people picker."
This is a very helpful post, i have a friend who is currently going through this, i have recommended the post for her to read. i believe it will help her before things get out of hand.
My boyfriend abuse me and try to kill me ones, we have 2 baby's 2 and 4 yrs, been together for 6 yrs it's been about a year since he hit me we argue ALOT ...I'm always afraid he's gona hurt me so I run out many times I sleep in my car wen I can't get my baby's I always keep everything I may need in car. Wen he tell me my car is a mess I always have excuses so I dnt take diapers or clothes many times he takes it out so wen I needed to had to go goodwill and get stuff... my point is I'm always AFRAID OF HIM HURTING ME He has said his gona kill me or disfigured my face so many times he only said a lil think and my first instinct is run out it's not even an argument but I can't help it I need to run b4 he gets to me. What can I do to stop feeling this way and be happy? Plz help
Hi Erika!
I hope you doing well right Now regardless of what happened in life for you.
actually my first advise to you is that you try to remember the best unrelated memory that left you a feeling of ecstasy or near that kind of emotions that stems from who you truly are ( because come on who could we be except the love that creates our possiblities to live!) and connect with that so you'll have a better time starting the process of freedom to see things with a higher level of clarity.
second know that all your memory will be lost after the physical aspect of you lies underground and you will never be in touch with this charactar that brought you pain anyways.
I am in Iran and will pray for you so you may feel yourself better.
much care and Love, Sadeqh
Hi Ericka,
I am a victim's advocate. Threats of violence are a huge safety concern. Please safety plan. If your partner takes the things out of your car find a friend or relative to keep a box of clothes for you and your children. If you are ready to leave I strongly suggest coming into contact with your local women's shelter and see if they have beds available for you and your children. The feelings you are going through will stay with you long after the abuse. I recommend documenting what he says and get yourself some solid proof so you can get yourself a protection order and protect your children if he ever comes after you for custody. Abusers will do anything to keep control. So please be advised that abuse can get worse when you leave an abuser. He may respond violently. Please be aware of this. If you need to take you can email me. If you aren't ready to leave I can help you safety plan to assure you and your children are safe.
Your family needs support -- him too. But safety is first, and it's important to find protection for yourself and your children. While a shelter may seem scary, the people there will know how to help you -- in ways your family (who loves you) simply can't. What is happening in your home is not okay. And it is not likely to stop without without some outside help. Please call a shelter. You are young and so are your kids. Don't wait until too much bad stuff happens making it harder to get out and recover. You can and you will, but the first step is to find safety. Reach out -- someone will be there to reach back. Remember how beautiful and important you are. You are special, and what you must do requires special courage. Encouragement will give you that courage -- please, please find it. Your life and your kids are so very critical to our world. You are loved.
I am 17 yo , i keep receiving violence from my dad , threatned of my bones broken , of punches and kicks .. and yeah he did push me once till i bled my lip was purple thankfully i didnt lose my teeth . He gets angry for smallest reasons and insults me and my sister and mom . I hate my life .. i feel so bad . I have just assisted to a new violence scene half an hour now .. i cant sleep ? i am emotionally destroyed
Hi Salma,
Well done for sharing what you're going through. I'm very troubled to hear of it, however, and would urge you to contact the National Council on Child Abuse and Family Violence. There is a hotline number on the website you can call.
Please know that you are not alone in what you're going through. There are people out there who know what to do, and they will help to keep you and your mother and sister safe.
You will be OK. But you shouldn't go through this alone.
Emma-Marie xxx
I was recently abused and the feelings are like never before. I blame myself, I lock myself in my room all day. We have separated and he swore to the police never to get close to me again. I am still scared, I am disconnected to everyone and everything, but I am trying to carry on. This article really helps.
I so identify its helped dont feel so alone with it ,some of my friends are saying oh just move on now,its still to go court have to make a video via police for court yet
Stay the course. It's worth a new and better life. Have been away from my abuser for 4 years and recovering for 6. It's really hard and it's a windy up and down road. Right now it's down because I was recently triggered when he tryed to agressivly approach me the other day. It's amazing how I can still be so scared after all this time. The anxiety is horrible. I can't believe how I used to feel this fear every day when I was his partner.
I am in a physically abusive relationship. Right now I have a black eye, bruised ribs, I was kicked in the chest he held me against my will. He mentally traumatized me and I'm still scared. He made threats of killing my mom my son and other family members . I just don't understand why I can't leave him alone! He was drink that night, I know that isn't an excuse. He keeps apologizing over and over. I just don't understand why I am staying, I know once a hitter always a hitter.
I just left an abuser... Please just leave. Don't think... Just run. Trust me... You'll be okay. It is hard... You can do it... Pray for strength.
You deserve so much better, you deserve love and that is not love. Please take care❤️❤️
I have just left a financial, physical, emotionally abusive relationship of ten years( yesterday). I own my home and have a great paying job but because of the abuse I am facing foreclosure and repossession of my car. The feeling that I'm experiencing now are ranges of emotions. It is so helpful to read these articles and see others who experience or are experience the same thing. My self esteem needs to be rebuilt. I have to discover who I am. It seems like none of my family or friends truly understand but I should not expect them to. I have hope that I will grow stronger. I made the choice to leave and never go back. It was a daily nightmare! I wish the best for all of you! We are in this together. Every morning when you open your eyes you have survived!
Thank you for sharing your story it has helped me. I have been in very similar situation and feel very vulnerable but safely away from my abuser now.
My husband was abused by his father. Even now, almost 20 years after the abuse ended, he still deals with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes it seems like he expects me to be abusive, to get angry, or to leave him. I love him and I want to help him heal. What can I do?
Report or not report....why do people become judgemental to the victim. In my case? Second time was August 20th. I was pulled out of his truck by my hair and fell on my shoulder....the abuse continued for off and on 30 minutes and I had a black eye and swollen black and blue chin. A bruised head from pulling my hair so hard, actually, my extensions...and I finally got free....left. Drove 2 hours home in pain. Next day w no medical insurance and in so much pain....I went to an urgent care facility private practice, only to find out my right shoulder blade is broken. Single Mom. Loss of wages and the world crashing down on me....why do I feel as if its my fault or shane in reporting it. I just rang it to go away altogether....
Confused. Sad. Depressed. Alone. Lying to everyone how it happened.
Omg, it's so hard not to feel like it's you fault. But we will get past that & im trying to figure out how, myself. I am looking for people to talk to as we speak. Stay strong.
Please go seek professional help. Confide in a clergy member. Talk to someone. You don't have to do this by yourself and it is not your fault. No one, absolutely no one is entitled to treat another person the way you've been treated. There is no excuse. Keeping the lie in darkness (telling others a fake story how it happened to hide your shame) will give this thing more power. Get it into the light and you'll see how it's power over you diminishes. Be careful and only go to professionals who’ve handled this type of situation. They’ll lead you and protect you. God bless.
It's not your fault. At all. Sadly, police need better training. The victim abused does it the blame. This is wrong. Very. Take pictures of the abuse. Make a video shine a light on your story. Sending you my love. If I could send you more I would. Lies will end up killing u inside fester like a wound. Get it out. Shine that light.
After 17yrs of hiding, blaming myself, seeking help thinking it was me discovered it wasn't. Few understand there's nothing "simple" about assault, domestic abuse at all. Abusers often still hunt others down. Living with them you at least know where they are. [Which I'm not suggesting to take that route] moving to another country all I could think of in mine to escape. Get well. Not realistic for many.
Don't blame yourself at all. Ever. Not ok what happened to you.
Still with my husband after 45 years due to financial reasons (I am physically disabled), but am on the road to recovery by finding several great therapists. The first to help me understand the abusive narcissist and the second via EMDR therapy to heal. What helped me most? Realizing that the abuser found me because I am sweet, kind, considerate, caring, and giving. He is the taker. He chose me for that reason. Once I understood that, instead of me being verbally abused and my feelings or thoughts dismissed, I put a strong barrier around me and became emotionally unattached from him. As a co-dependent, I also got rid of one-way-street people in my life. He changed in how he treats me. If I weren't married to him for so long, I would have left him. So remember, the abuser found you because you are such a wonderful person. There are many books to help you understand the abuser, find a good therapist (I went through 4 before I found the right ones), watch or listen to YouTube videos on how to free yourself from the abuser and heal. Big hugs to all.
Hi Jenny,
Thank you for your comment -- you are an inspiration to us all :)
I'm not an expert but I've been self analyzing myself for quit some time. I believe that when females stay with their abuser and consistently chose men of that low caliber are only choosing them because they have never learned to truly love them selves and realize their worth. The key to recover is to never give up no matter what! It's taken me to the ripe old age of 50 to to finally start realizing my self worth. To love yourself to the degree of love we give to our abusers seems to be easier than giving it to ourselves. Please realize that you deserve that level of love and that love is within yourself. It's there and all you have to do is realize that. Every single day in my mind I still feel in a sense that I don't deserve to be happy and I continuously ridicule myself in my mind. But through all those negative thoughts I equally will tell myself what an awesome person I am. You can hear and hear from everyone but until we can start to realize it our selves I continue and I will do so for as long as it takes to realize my self worth. I pictured in my mind being being confident and some days aren't so good but other days are! Just never give up on you! Every one is different coping. I try to do things just for myself to give me energy and clear my head. I ride my bike .. walk.. any kind of physical activity I believe is the best medicine. Start focusing on you and every single day tell your self how awesome you are and picture your happiness in your mind and what you truly want in your life and that positive thought will pay off I promise you. Don't depend on a pill.. pills only distract the pain they don't cure it. Only you have the power to do that!
Love and peace
The Thrifty Hippie ✌️
Wow. Something about your comment really struck me. Not to mention that it was posted on my birthday. Thank you for sharing your words. When I read "don't give up on you." I begin to cry. Because truth is, I want to fight for me, but I'm so tired. I've realized I've dated certain men because I didn't know my self worth and I accepted emotional abuse from them. Until I got tired. But the last most traumatic one was a few years ago. And it was physical assault. My body is still tense from the surprise attack. And I find myself still trying to recover emotionally. I'm gonna try my best though, even though I don't feel strong at all right now.
I realize I "chose" a woman of low caliber who never truly realized how to love her bipolar self. SMH
Too bad nomy, It's not name calling when it's the truth. Try again.
Thank you Kellie for this encouraging and comforting article. I'm just beginning my integration/reconnecting phase and It was nice to recognize the phases I went through too to get here. Congratulations on the progress you've made and how much better you've made your life too :) I feel super proud of all of us, whatever stage we're at. Especially people in the still-figuring-out that it's abuse stage, that is an epically confusing one. Go us!! -Kelly with a Y :)
I'm still scared and paranoid about him turning up at my new house I've blocked all his numbers changed mine but he never stops his been in jail for over a year the police put a 2 yr restraining order n him after20 people rang up after witnessing him bashing me now I'm just scared he'll urn up 1day he distroyed my life I don't want anyone o go through he physical and emotional abuse i did its maded me a different person hopefully such stronger
I have been separated from my abuser for a few months now. I have been in and ouy of his house due to childcare. The thing is theyre so sweet but it came to a point where i flicked back into past memories and thought i need to find oyher people to fill my time as his times are wishy washy. Anyway i ended up flicking back into the past as i have not yey recovered from yhe trauma. I was thinking maybe he could give me closure but iy backfired and the abuse started again. He humiliated me in front of the neighbours. Im so greatful im not living there, the landlord is his promiscuous besy griend with a family. So the humiliation is his because i am not going back there, i swore to myself. I dont need him to heal, i recognize i need to stay away and heal myself. I was abused just today, and i am not even living with him. I am safe now and recovering.
In my case I was severly physically and emotionally abused for the last 2 years pretty much monthly physically and almost daily on and off .. I am a male which is unusual but I grew up in a normal middle class family nad have never laid my hands on a woman in my life or been in any fights .. for 13 years this person abused me it was confusing to be a man.. in this situation there are little or no resources for support as its usually male on female in DV situations.. often the person would call the police on me.. I did have a drinking problem that added to the toxicity of the the situation, but I would go through long periods with no or very moderate drinking.. Its so confusing now im morning as I have left and we separated again, the constant barrading and emotional abuse was more damaging than anything as I look back we had a seemingly normal and happy loving home.. some bi-polar manic depression played a part in my abusers actions although she takes depression medicine nothing for the psychotic episodes.. that would occur we would be happy loving and on cloud nine one day and then the next morning would be dark and filled with anxiety and anger usually directed toward me.. blamming me blaming my drinking (even when sober) it began to just become too much.. All I can say is I had no idea.. that I was being emotionally abused as well as physically abused is obvious.. hit with car, baseball bat,frying pans bit in the face.. police called on me almost evicted constantly shamed in public in front of neighbors verbally abused at every effort .. to try to mend the situation. my buisness suffered and came to ahalt my quality of life was dimished in to that of the stay at home dad babysitter .. maid.. as this person did not maintain much around the house we both contributed financially. This happens to men more than people think and most men are ashamed to admint that there being dominated by and aggressive Abusive personality type... it wasnt until I started educating my self on Abuse in all forms and factors that I realized the physical abuse is painful but just the tip of the iceberg... I stayed only because we have children which I had to watch all the time taking a segway to her personal endevours.. Im a good person.. a strong person but no one is strong enough to endure this type of treatment.. I have left im on my way to recovery I get to see my kids thankfully that is going well.. but starting from the ground up again is the biggest challenge being alone and hurt.. with nothing.. is so difficult - I meditate do yoga swim .. bike paint draw read and work allot.. but I have lost my .. inspiration and im looking to go to some group.. but as I said the resources for men are almost nill ... if any other men have expierenced this get counseling unfortunetely I was trying but she would not go or make any effort.. no I will be in therapy for sometime im sure trying to rehash what just happend if I will ever be able to figure that out.. I think moving on and giving some time to make new friends and love again .. hopefully.. its benn a terrible journey of suffering I wish I would have gotten out sooner.. that is all I can say dont stay for anything.. your only hurting yourself more if you do Domestic Violence abuse needs more awareness is all I can say.. one love
I have been out of the 20+year abusive relationship for 4 years now. He still injects himself in my life through our kids. I carefully allow some of this to an extent because I fear what will happen if I don't "feed the beast." I still have not been able to feel emotion for the trauma. I cut it effortlessly. I do not understand what healthy lines drawn look like in terms of abusive behavior. So I question everything and take it all personal. I'm hypervigilant 24/7, even when I should be sleeping. I'm constantly engaged in battle to keep my power when no one is really trying to take it. I instantly turn on my offensive stance and immediately cut emotion, and I'm completely aware of it when I'm doing all of the above. I find myself lost in formulating a sentence to respond to important questions or conversation with my boyfriend because any response I come up with is a defense and cannot find anything else beyond defense to respond. So I don't respond at all. Well no response that is also not too vulnerable. So I literally can't speak. It makes me feel ill. I avoid approaching conflict at all cost, including people I know. I'm utterly lost in this new world of mine. It's at times unbearable and feels hopeless. I do not trust anyone and the monster still lurks. I never feel safe and do not believe anyone cam or will protect me. I don't know how much longer I can last in this. I do not and never will want him back. I have no love for him, he repulses me. I know exactly what he's thinking when he looks at me and I know what his words truly mean. He refers to me as ex-wife. Not my name. He compares all current women to me, out loud and directly to them. Makes it blatantly obvious he's still very much obsessed with me. It makes my skin crawl. He makes my skin crawl. So I hold no loving feelings for him. I don't want him anywhere near me, let alone back intimately. I just don't know anything else other than what I had to be to survive in the relationship. I'm still living every day as if I'm still there. And searching for a new way of life when you didn't know another one even existed is like walking in pitch darkness. What am I supposed to even be looking for?
I have found great peace in not communicating with my offender aka ex-husband, not communicating period. Find another way to communicate about the children. Take your power back by forming a boundary that does not allow any contact with you in anyway. If you think it is not a possibility make it one. The manipulation of my ex worked only when he knew I had to communicate because of the children. I stopped that and he lost all control. Once he realizes he can't manipulate you in anyway the power is in your hands. Your new way of life is freedom. Freedom from walking on egg shells and isolation. I have date night with myself where I go to dinner and movies and I tell myself I am free. I can eat where I want and watch a movie I want. It's all about me. Your free and you may be unhappy at times alone but you aren't. There are people like me that lived in abuse everyday for 23 years and I am free. I can do as I please now and my children are free also. The darkness is temporary. Everyday is a new day and it brings you further to a lightness where you are the light. You have the power within you. Remember how you made it through every abuse he inflicted, you got up everyday and did it all over again. Why, because you possess an inner strength probably more powerful than the normal person. Remember that strength, it is not a weakness, it is power you don't even realize you possess. Your resiliant. Don't forget that. Tell yourself "I am strong and I am free because I was strong!" I set myself free.
"I don't want to say you're screwed but you kind of are" - this article is meant for domestic abuse victims/survivors?! What an extremely irresponsible and insensitive way to address people that are already questioning their self- worth and whether they will ever get better. You should not be writing for healthyplace.com.
I think what it's saying makes sense how can you get better if you're still in the relationship. You can never become your true self until you get out.
"But you kind of are." Thank you for the compassion and hope. Sheesh. I'm struggling, and that wasn't helpful. Not that anyone owes me anything...just FYI. I pray you or your editors delete this article.
Sometimes you need to hear things that are harsh. I lived with my abuser for 5 years and wish I had read this article sooner. I hope you're doing ok x
Kind words of support must sometimes be paired with hard words of reality. It is very easy to enable a person stuck in something toxic by being *too* nice about it all of the time. There is a balance needed and I think the OP captured that balance.
I’m not coping. I have 3 children age 8 6 3
I was sexually assaulted by my ex wife partner who abused me for 7 years.
I’ve forgotten who I am!
Charlotte, I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been dealing with. You certainly have your hands full with your three babies! Are you able to or have you considered seeking therapy? Sometimes troubles like the ones you've dealt with are too much a burden to bear on our own. I know for me and countless others, therapy has really helped to get us through some of the worst times of our life. Hang in there Charlotte. Please continue reaching out to us here on HealthyPlace as well. Thanks, Emily
Abused by my dad, abused by my brother, abused by a boy at school, abused and raped by men at 16 and every year since...abused by male therapist I saught to recover from previous abuse...and I can't do anything about it. I'm stuck in silence with a gag order from my therapist...and I wake up everyday with the horror and injustice and trauma--there's no way out, there's no hope. This really is a Patriarchy...but women in Mental Health act like everything's fine...or there's some way to get help...but in reality, there's not...
Hi Emily, what you've described is horrendous individual and systemic abuse. I was compelled to respond because there really is hope - a new trauma recovery approach that is changing the meaning of recovery. Please don't lose hope - look up TRTP - The Richards Trauma Process. Judith Richards is the creator and I am also a Practitioner, it's not a traditional talk therapy and it will truly give you your power back. It can be done by Skype or zoom, usually 4-5 sessions. Sounds too good to be true, I know but I encourage you to find out more. It changed my life and is doing that for so many others. Sending you the biggest encouragement I can - you're amazing to have survived that - you deserve to live and thrive.
Emily, I'm so sorry for everything you have suffered. Everything is not fine, not at all. That is without a doubt unacceptable. Have you attempted to contact authorities? I honestly haven't felt much hope for justice until recently because women are finally able to speak up and be heard, at least more so than before anyway. I think you should contact authorities. Please hang in there and if you need anything continue to reach out. Here is a link for some women's resources like shelters, advocates, counseling, etc. I would utilize those.
How and When To Report Abuse
Hotline Numbers
-Emily