How Did You Brainwash Me?
When people ask, "Why do women stay in abusive relationships?" the answers are often too simple. There could be financial reasons, but if the abusive spouse died, would the victim wonder if they could support themselves to the point of doing nothing to advance their employability? (No.) There are the children to consider, but if the abusive spouse died, would the victim insist on finding a replacement right away? (No.)
Although finances and children are reasons victims cite for staying, one true reason they stay is a deeply implanted fear that they cannot make it in the world alone. My abuser implanted this fear so deeply in my mind that instead of recognizing the abuse in my relationship, I instead prayed that he would die. I consciously acknowledged the fact that he made my life hell, but the thought that I could divorce him remained outside my realm of consciousness. Abuse causes illness of the mind and body, and brainwashing sets both illnesses in motion.
What is Brainwashing?
Merriam-Webster's concise encyclopedia states that brainwashing is a
"Systematic effort to destroy an individual's former loyalties and beliefs and to substitute loyalty to a new ideology or power... The techniques of brainwashing usually involve isolation from former associates and sources of information; an exacting regimen calling for absolute obedience and humility; strong social pressures and rewards for cooperation; physical and psychological punishments for noncooperation, including social ostracism and criticism, deprivation of food, sleep, and social contacts, bondage, and torture; and constant reinforcement...."
I could have asked, "What is Domestic Abuse" and posted the same definition.
Brainwashing Works Best On A Special Type of Victim
Sandra L. Brown, M.A. says in her book Women Who Love Psychopaths that the best victims for brainwashing are women who are:
- perfectionists, and/or
- hold themselves to high standards, and/or
- persistent, and/or
- resourceful, and/or
- goal-directed, and/or
- self-sacrificing, and/or
- previous victims of abuse or neglect, and/or
- experience dependence, vulnerability, or incompetency issues.
If you are in an abusive relationship and do not recognize yourself in the first five or six bullet points, think back to the beginning of your relationship. Do you recognize aspects of who you were?
How Abusers Use Brainwashing Techniques Naturally
According to Ms. Brown's book, abusers do not feel the way we normally think of what it means to feel. Due to childhood abuse or perhaps mental disorder, many if not most abusers detach from their feelings at an early age. Instead of feeling, they observe how other people behave, and then mimic those behaviors appropriately. In this way, abusers become expert behaviorists without taking a step inside a classroom.
They know what works and what doesn't work to manipulate you to do what they want. And because they've detached from their feelings, abusers do not feel guilt for their manipulative actions. This is probably why abusers cannot take responsibility for what they've done to you or admit they abuse you (with lasting regret). They do not comprehend that any wrong took place and may think that your fear and tears are merely a show designed to manipulate them, and baby, they ain't fallin' for it.
In short, abuser's use brainwashing techniques naturally because "the set-up" is all they know.
Lifton's Brainwashing Technique
Robert J. Lifton was an early psychologist who studied mind-control and brainwashing. He broke the brainwashing technique down into the following categories. I'm going to change the descriptions to align with domestic abuse. (See the original list at ChangingMinds.org.)
Assault on identity
The abuser attacks the victim's self-identity by making statements that define the victim, eventually causing the victim to break down and doubt their own perceptions of who they are. ( i.e. "You're not good with money" "You are a slut!")
Guilt
Arguments in which the abuser expresses hurt or discontent leads the victim to feel guilty (these complaints may be completely fabricated or loosely based on fact). Eventually, these arguments cause the victim to break down and feel guilt and shame for almost everything they do and come to feel they deserve punishment.
Self-betrayal
"When the person is forced to denounce friends and family, it both destroys their sense of identity and reinforces feelings of guilt. This helps to separates them from their past, building the ground for a new personality to be built" (quoted straight from Changing Minds because I couldn't say it any better - a.k.a. isolation)
Breaking point
The breaking point is best defined by it's symptoms: Depression, crying jags, a nervous breakdown or panic attacks, vague overwhelming fear or explicit fears of dying or loved ones dying. Unconsciously, victims begin losing their sense of "who they are" and experience the fear of "total annihilation of the self".
Leniency
Just when the victim can't take it anymore, the abuser offers a small kindness. The victim feels a deep sense of gratitude (more gratitude than is justified by the abuser's act). Does it feel like a honeymoon? Yep.
The compulsion to confess
The victim may feel a compulsion to offer up an act of kindness to the abuser, as if the pain the victim caused the abuser is anywhere near the pain the abuser caused the victim. The victim, knowing that nothing would make the abuser happier than to agree with the negative statements made early on, may "confess" to being exactly as the abuser said they were ("You're right, I did act like a slut by wearing that dress" "Please take over all the bank accounts - I don't understand money")
The channeling of guilt
The victim's overwhelming sense of guilt and shame combined with the assaults on their identity and unsubstantiated accusations cause major confusion. In time, the victim feels that everything they do is "wrong" and "I can't do anything right!" After the victim enters this state of confusion, the abuser can redirect the victim's guilt toward anything the victim thinks, feels, or does. This causes the victim to wonder if everything they were taught or learned previously was "bad" and that maybe the abuser's take on life in general is "good".
Reeducation: logical dishonoring
The victim thinks, "Hey - if I am such a mess because of what I was taught, then it's not my fault that I'm so messed up!" The victim finds relief for their guilt by thinking such thoughts, so they "confess" to their abuser more of the "stupid" beliefs they hold but now want to rid themselves of. In this way, the victim begins to deny their own identity and willingly take on portions of the identity the abuser wants them to have.
Progress and harmony
As the victim empties herself of previous beliefs, the hole left inside of her acts like a vacuum, sucking in the abuser's ideas of good/bad and right/wrong. The abuse eases because the abuser sees less of "her" in her and more of "him" in her. The victim receives a pleasurable response in his lack of abuse. There's not more love, just less abuse.
Final confession and rebirth
Typically, the above steps will recur repetitively in the abusive relationship. "Final confession and rebirth" cannot be reached until the victim is completely and totally brainwashed to be exactly who the abuser wished. This is the point of no return.
You are reading this. You are not at the point of no return.
You can find Kellie Jo Holly on her website, Amazon Authors, Google+, Facebook and Twitter.
*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.
APA Reference
Jo, K.
(2012, June 21). How Did You Brainwash Me?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved
on 2024, April 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/06/brainwashing-abusive-relationships
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
According to Ms. Brown’s book, abusers do not feel the way we normally think of what it means to feel. Due to childhood abuse or perhaps mental disorder, many if not most abusers detach from their feelings at an early age. Instead of feeling, they observe how other people behave, and then mimic those behaviors appropriately. In this way, abusers become expert behaviorists without taking a step inside a classroom.
They know what works and what doesn’t work to manipulate you to do what they want. And because they’ve detached from their feelings, abusers do not feel guilt for their manipulative actions. This is probably why abusers cannot take responsibility for what they’ve done to you or admit they abuse you (with lasting regret). They do not comprehend that any wrong took place and may think that your fear and tears are merely a show designed to manipulate them, and baby, they ain’t fallin’ for it.
Is that the case for all abusers?
Emotional abuser? I'm beginning to think so. I'm in my 30s now and an ex and I have been going back and forth since 2005. It's 2016 and I'm done! I do blame myself for being stupid & blind. My ex Persued me hard. He worked with me. I was admin & he was a Police Officer. It's started out slowly, friendship, then casual dating... Dinner and a movie and talking & texting everyday all day. He told me he felt with depression at times but is talking with a shrink about it. I should have know then he was trouble. Though he was nice, funny and sweet back then. As things started to progress he told me he & his ex broke up because he has commitment issues. Another red flag however at that time I was falling for him. He also was telling me he cared about me. I believe him because he visited me at my work area in front of everyone 3 times a day. We were with each other a lot. I was never one to evolve my life around a man but we started hanging out more, he wanted too . Then I noticed he was coming around less. I would invited him places and there was an excuses. So I did my own thing thinking he'll come around and he did. Then one day I text him on a weekend to see what was up. He was going to DC. I asked and said that's cool, what's going on up there. He then cursed me out and said," do you want me to get into an accident and freaking die." " why are you texting so much." I told him I didn't know he was driving but thought someone else could be and then why did you reply then. Text back later then. My heart sank. I didn't call him for a long time, and when he called me I thought I was going to get an apology. I didn't I told him that it hurt me and he knows my brother died in a car accident and I would wish that on anyone. I forgot how that mulled over, but I didn't get the apology I deserved and I believe he somehow made me feel it was my fault. "When did I get so weak?" So two years went by and I was starting to feel unloved and appreciated. I mentioned how I feel but didn't say the L word. I was afraid of his reaction. But he assured me he cared for me, but he would mention two past relationships. I ended up getting slightly jealous of these two women at times. One a blond. And German decent. I ended up hating my dark hair and dark features and ethnic look though I'm part white too. He praised these types. Also his life without me was a big freaking secret. I never met anyone close to him, he mentioned a guy friend and telling him about me but we never met. I only met a few friends and it was a couple at the guys bday party. By this time I was head over heels for him. I noticed him hanging less with me, and calling less and when I called or text him. He would Ana at me then I'm busy. But he came around when he waged too. And I was head over heels for him but getting sad and a nervous sick feeling. Boom! I was pregnant. I was scared for weeks and didn't know what to do. I didn't want him to hate me and I was nervous and afraid. When I finally got the courage to tell him after crying at work in the bathroom puking. I miscarried a couple days later. I told him when he asked me what's going on with you. And he held me, and I told him I loved him then. We were intimate that night. And he avoided me after that. I didn't even see him at work. When I got the courage to call him. He said what do you want from me, blood? You're not my girlfriend and it takes more than that for me to love someone. I fell into a deep depression and ended up getting push out of my job by his friends. Later years later he pops back into my life. Comes to my home, asked to see me on my porch, hugs me-shaking and says he nervous. He told me he did love me then and still does. We spoke a little more then he hops in his patrol car and leaves. Weeks go by and I contact him, oh he said he wanted to be with me too that I was the biggest regret of his life. I text him, he ignores me. Then gets mad and mean, though I wash nice. He tells me he's in a relationship. He does love me but not in the same capacity. I'm hurt again he says it's not going to work for me... And I'm like why? Hurt again. I leave him alone. Then months later he's driving in patrol up and down my street and one day drives down it looks at me when I'm talking to male (old) neighbor. He drive by slowly stares me down head on. I was talking so I didn't react. He's was on patrol and doesn't patrol my area. Well I text him, hi... Just saw you you can say hello. Then a few days later the same thing, but this time iPhone shows nothing message undelivered. I then stupidly send him an email saying that was cruel or rude to block me, (see that was his big thing in our relationship... Ignore me to punish me or tell me he can't bc his issues & everything was I don't know) I also told him if he actually loved me still regardless of can't be with me he could be cordial with me, he'll you just saw me and you can't save or say hi. He then tells me I don't know how I can say it any nicer but don't contact me anymore. I went off. I told him was a evil nasty ass liar he was. Then he threatened to get a protective order against me and have me arrested if I contact him again. He's a freaking manipulator right!?! I'm so mad at myself. I was always so afraid to hurt his feelings. Also he told me is brother died at 19 yoa I. Front of him, my brother died at19 too but in a car accident. I think that's another way now he played the sympathy thing. It was always about him. I turned into a low self esteem, timid person bc of this jerk. This time I spoke my mind. He's a narcissist sociopath and I fell into his trap. Beware ladies. Actions speak louder than words. Love yourself more.
Hi I relate the emotional abuse that you received by your ex. Me and my ex started dating in 2014, early July and corresponded via date site the month prior. I thought his profile was just something as he mentioned about stopping drinking after his son said to him daddy please don't drink anymore cause he didn't want his dad to die,. That pulled at my heartstrings plus other things he had mentioned . So we start to message and chat for a month and I remember I remember he had asked me if I was on birth control and when he asked me in my head was very odd and inappropriate but stupid me to keep the peace just answered him without saying something like why does this apply to anything as of now anyways. So we went on our first date on motorcyle taking me to lunch and ride the ferry too it was a beautiful day out. So I immediately fell for him his smile the romantic quality's he held my hand which I was in heaven and he was a genteman during 1st date., Anyways see I waitressed making it hard to get together but once or twice a week never over the weekdays as I am a single mom too and had my children certain times and he did too with his ex so very hard to make dates . We went on another date at night on his motorcycle and we had a great time and anyways he was now texting me morning in between noon and in between night also went to his home to see where he lives and we mostly alwaye were him and I going forward. I met a few friends of his and his mom only once . Regarding our children I was gonna wait around 6 months and felt if we were good then I'll introduce kids either way but he was adamant and so he talked me into bringing kids over to meet his and it went well and after that night I had to work so he kept saying everyone trusts him he's the Mr Mom and all the women trust him to take their kids so now he asked to watch my kids when I was working so thenI can come back to his place ., So this was starting to get to me as full speed ahead as quickly as possible texting 24/7 flirting complimenting me a lot and sending cute text messages showing his interest in me . So kids stayed at his home I was so very nervous I went against my own boundqries to appease him and I worried the entire night I was working . I guess it went well but I never felt good about it . Sex came and in order to go there I said I don't do this unless in a monotonous relationship and I would want a commitment and he agrees so sex came which was out of this world . Everything was on high speed ahead instant relationship then shortly after he tells me when our kids playing outside that he's falling in love with me . I was so happy cause everything although quick was going great I thought so I in response that I too am falling in love with him and I'm so happy. He bought me presents made me morning breakfasts lunches if I stayed for the weekend . I had my own place with kids and he would tell me you can stay here whenever I want he wants me too . We went for morning walks 5 miles always as he held my hand and things were great . Something happened in my life which was embarrassing and hqppened due to my ex husband manipulating me to do it so I was in trouble regarding if I am a bad parent which was to do with my ex conned me into doing this so anyways I had to take behavioral classes and so he was so supportive empathy over the top he made it feel like your fine I'm here for you. So everyday he told me he loved me I was involved with his kids and life seemed good .then he started seeking moody at times and would disapear hear and there never hearing from him for 4 days and I wasnt gonna pursue him. He went from texting 24/7 and inviting me over to not so much. So I felt weird and slowly he would slightly insult me almost jokingly sarcastic humor I guess . It would sit in the pit of my stomach because I was jolted by these derogatory remarks he made towards me which were slight although confusing ., Then it was something we were chatting in the morning I had slept over so he goes that I'm not a lifetime partner because I have too many issues seeing I was at fault for something my ex had me do for him . That truly made me feel bad and my ex husband had purposely set me up so he could start the smear campaign in our small town and make me into the bad parent although it was him . So basically I had shared that scenrio plus childhood crap which wasn't great coming From addict parents and my brother died in a car accident at 17. Which when I told my guy about my brothers death he acted like it wasnt anything and proceeded to crack a joke and I was shocked. Then more insults. He said he wants his life partner to be a happy girl that hes worked to hard on his life to have me as his life partner .I was shocked and kept it inside. The moodiiness increased and saw the tiptoeing with his son as my guy napoed on the couch trying not to upset his dad which I had witnessed him yelling at his kids and mine too and made me very uneasy . So I became so depressed and wasn't as energized and excited as I was seeing these insults and moodiness and now wasnt consistenlty sending me txt messages as much . He also kept mentioning a couple ex's as like so and so called me out of the blue telling me her breakup hqppened so now his ex GF is single and she hurt him ., Then again another ex stopped out of nowhere to make amends to him for stealing money from him and she had lived with him because she had no where else to go but basically a hot sexual relationship although he was still drinking . So I became insecure and during this he had for the first time after I asked him on the phone if he missed me he didn't answer me and said gotta go and hung up .I was devastated tried calling him he didn't answer the cell so I texted him and nothing .we went from a dream come true to datubhy worst nightmare. I really know in my heart that I loved him sincererly and was shocked at his change of mood towardsm me. So he started making busy excuses for our date night and if not that night I had to wait until the weekend so tuesday to weekend . So I was now crying quite a bit not understanding this change of attitude towards me which now the irritation I felt when we did see each other mixed with bringing up either one ex or this other ex GF every single time We were together acting almost excited like he was hiding something from me and it made me very sad I remember asking him what's up why are you talking so much about your ex are you wanting to see her again or something . Of course he would say stop it you have trust issues and stop being jeoulous not an attractive quality . I that week seeing I was we sad that he basically told me I'm not are staying around forever just a filler I texted him that I'm done that you need to find the happy women that You told me I'm not and I don't want to bring you down so I'm letting you go so you can be with what you want . So I ended it but felt bad about texting him so I asked to meet him for coffee . He jokingly said who's this ??? So he was messing with me once again so he agreed to see me .but to come to his home .so I went over and he was walking out to the kitchen from his bedroom and was very rude to me saying well he says I guess you beat me to breaking up with you which I was afraid to because you have been so depressed I wouldn't want you to kill yourself if I broke up with you .then saying that I really should look at how much I put up with and that no other man will ever put up with my issues that he tried to help me and no one ever will do that for you ever doing the walking and breathing and stretches excerixes and he did yoga too so he was.always going to yoga never invited me to go with him as I never was around anyone he knew . I invited him to meet my friends and was shot down with excuses always .so he Got me to sleep with him and I left shortly after with him stating were not in a relationship that he's fine .he said I am fine as I cried and went home . It was over I had thought . This was the initial 8 months and basically he was texting me 3 weeks later and I was relieved to hear from him it was energizing and I became very familiar with the terms narcissistic personality disorder and sociopathic personality disorder . My ex -husband is to a T a text book sociopath and my ex bf is a covert narcissist ., I was diagnosed with c-ptsd after both of them abused me my ex husband still emotionally by using kids as pawns to ruin me and my ex bf keeps reaching out to me after I think it's over and we end up seeing each other I've been trauma bonded to him with the push pull fight/flight crap .my life is horrible I'll never meet anyone again too scared as these people are magnets to me
It is disheartening to see so many well spoken women (I know there r men who r abusex too) having their spirits crushed by abusers. A counselor told me my soon to be ex was tapping into my sense of shame. My abuser swept me away quickly (standard) and al.ost systematically crushed me in every way. Its as if I was watching what I thought to be the most handsome man on eartth (ha!) become the Incredible Hulk. Where wax my whini g and dining dati g dynamo? Incredible article. Any understanding from insightful people helps. Its true ....family doesnt help -they do t understand - and many become secondary victims I too blame myself for his crummy behavior but thanks to articles like this ....the self blame is gradually easing. They KNOW what they r doing. There is real evil in what an abuser tries to do Mine would do anything to save his own skin...he would cry to me from the jail (where he belongs) I am not the 1st nor (sadly) the last to be abused by him The legal system here is overwhelmed and even he will get a plea deal. Dealing with him for 2 years causex me to become an angry person myself and I found myself on the other side of the law Still I deal with the repurcussions of guilt in my "poor choice" Ever so slowly I am getting better. To he!! with these people. Where was their sympathy/empathy on the ones they hurt I love seeing people heal and move on Dont let them steal your dignity anymore. We only get 1 life and all deserve respect Hugs to all and stay strong and keep getti g stronger!
My father did this to me. I was always told I was lazy or stupid or that I could not focus. When I did something to offend him, like "having an attitude", he yell for hours. When I broke down and cried he would become upset at me for crying. He said things like "one day your boss at work won't feel sorry for you if you cry". I stopped crying in front of anyone when I was ten years old, when I broke down I would berate myself for being a cry baby and isolate myself from the people who saw it. He always made sure that me and my sister knew his things were more important then us but then turn around and say that he was a very good father because he spent time with us instead of buying us things. I am 21 years old and since this has been happening to me since I was so young, I think it severely impacted my self-perception. I don't know how to "find myself" (sorry for the cliche). I know logically that the things i think are ridiculous but I cannot help but to believe them. I have tried speaking to a psychologist but I am so used to this fake me that even when I tried to be honest and get help, he couldn't help me. How can one move forward without a sense of self?
Hi Clare,
I appreciate how brave and honest you are, to share your stories here. I am a psychotherapist in Vancouver, BC, and I have written an article about abuse and trauma (www.liviachan.ca). Childhood abuse involves many layers of suffering, and one of them is an impaired sense of self, as you have described. Recovery and healing takes time and practice. I hope you will have the courage to try talk therapy again; sometimes, it takes a while to find the right therapist for you. If you would like, art therapy is also another option. Wounds from childhood abuse, if left untreated, can affect people in different areas of their adult life, so I encourage you to seek and persist with psychotherapy.
Healthy self-esteem can be built, with affirmations, positive social relationships, hobbies that interest you, etc. CBT is an evidence-based therapy style that is found to help increase self-esteem. Perhaps you can discuss this further with your therapist.
I wish you all the best, Clare. Hang in there. There is help, and there is hope!
Remember, you are precious. You deserve love, respect, and kindness.
Warm Regards,
Livia Chan
[…] do. Get help immediately by contacting the correct authorities because you might get thoroughly brainwashed if you decided not to take timely action. And, I request immediate intervention in one form or […]
OMG as I read this I began to cry I can't believe how brainwashed I was n more then likely still am by my ex I met him when I was seventeen he was twenty three we were together six years recently broke up yet still in contact with each other I still think if him dream of him etc but back then I was crazy about him I gave him access to my bank account I lost a baby by him in two thousand twelve he calls me names and leaves me at hotels tell me to find away home he argues with me then when I'm really down he gives me nice compliment and make me feel good about myself he tells me if I love him I'll go places with him n sneak out from with my parents just to be with him he ask me for money if I say no he will have sex with me roughly and ask me again then when he's done he sneaks into my bags and get my money and bank card and leave me almost broke then I get in arguments with my family cause I don't have money to help with bills then he leaves me homeless at a hotel I tried to commit suicide got sent to the hospital he came and got me when the discharge me. He asked for gas money and food and sex etc I lost my job he needed more money for his other kids etc so I end up making five hundred dollars he spent all of it on himself then called me his h** and we broke up I ended up getting with someone else then later he got jealous n got back with me then he asked me who have I been with saying I belong to him then later he hit me up talking about he was burning so I got tested found out I had an std I told him then he laughed in my face n called me a bitch saying he was just playing n he wasn't burning but he knew I had some s**t cause he called me a cheater saying I f*cked around on him after we got back together which I didn't he humiliate me yet sometimes I find it hard to get over him before I met him I was raped before that I was bullied in school n told no one would ever want me so he was the longest n in my eyes realest relationship I ever been in I didn't n still don't want to let anyone else in like I did with him..
Guys, everybody! You are not alone. I had experienced this one too, like every single thing in the signs was all here. How this person brainwashed me is a pure psychopath, Its a nightmare to deal with that draining ex, until I fought for my sorry ass through getting into my safe haven preparing for the worst. It lasted for about 18 mos.
I no longer knew Who I was. All I knew was who she wanted me to be. It didn't matter whether it was right or wrong only that it stopped her from leaving again as if I did something wrong. I never know what I do wrong I only knew that how I reacted determined my punishment and my only reward was a lack of it. This was our love this was my everything.
She knew I needed her, she made sure of that. She was the only one I could talk to or rather it was the only choice she gave me. I was young I didn't know jealousy was her fault she had me believe it was my fault for making her jealous. She'd given me an ultimatum the first of many to come. This ultimatum only had one condition, to get rid of anyone else she thought would ruin the person she wanted me to be.
I felt alone, completely alone in the world when she was not there. She became my world and without her I no longer knew Who I was. Whenever I met someone new, someone threatening to her she threw a melodramatic fit and left and she knew my world shattered each time.
It was my punishment after all. All I could do was stop making friends and also eventually stop bonding with anyone else close to me.
I felt isolated... but it pleased her not upset her, its my fault she's jealous... I was rewarded contact with her after that.
Finally my world made sense again she was here and I could speak and laugh and be myself... This seems odd... I no longer know who I am why is it that I'm "myself" around her.
I guess you could say she's the only one who knows me she's the only one I can share myself with. After all if a give a piece of myself to anyone else I feel guilty and afraid of upsetting her afraid of her leaving... I need her.
Oh no! No! It's like she can tell, she knows I was thinking about it again. I'm sorry angel. Please don't leave please don't get angry. I have confession to make, I ... I ... I felt something today.
She's left what do I do, I don't know what to do. I can't have feelings of my own. She's right I am not like him he's perfect and I'm too soft hearted she's right I'm not a man. I can never please her everything I do makes no difference. I'll never be perfect as much I want to be as much as I try. I don't want her to leave again what am I doing wrong.
I know what to do now, I have to be perfect. I have to do then maybe she won't leave again then maybe she'll love me the way I love her. Yes, that's it, that's perfect, I'll be perfect I was messed up before but now I know what's perfect, she tells me because I ask her otherwise I know nothing, only she knows... Of course idiot ... I can only share myself with her. She's the only one who knows me...
Years have passed I still wonder what I did wrong, what I did to make her cheat, what I did to make her lie, what I did to make her leave I still don't know what to do to make her love me.
I guess I'm not perfect... Nobody is. But she still calls and I still try to convince her how perfect I am. She's gone now and I'm finally free I don't miss her but I need her to be me.
I'm lost without her, she's my purpose, my reason for living. I'll do what can to please her when she needs me, although not so often since she's gone but I'll be in waiting until we meet again.
I am hers and she's not mine, I'm her puppet, she's my sweet innocent angel.
This eases my mind a bit - just the knowledge. I've been "coming out of the fog" for a few months and this article describes exactly what my mother did to me.
This will help me in my healing process . . . I am very grateful to have this an amazing comfort that it wasn't me.
This is my life right now. I’m hoping this article, along with many others I am collecting, will give me the strength I need. I am a severely strong woman in every other aspect except where my husband is concerned.. I’m trying to build and find the strength within and outside myself to stand up against not only the emotional and mental abuse, but the physical as well. We have 2 small children and he’s slowly made me financially dependent on him. The physical abuse is ramping up and I know I need to get out - soon. This article has been very helpful.
I feel you exactly. He’s made me financially dependent and knows I cannot stand the thought of going back to work and leaving my kids w a stranger/loosing the quality time we have together. I have a 15mo and I’m 7mo pregnant w #2. Luckily the physical abuse isn’t there like it was in the past. But he definitely tries to scare me with threats of physical abuse or throwing and breaking things. I hope you have been able to leave safety already. I haven’t made it that far but he “moved out”, took a good amount of his main belongings and expensive art, left the rest. But I think it’s just for show- for scare. Since he’s been nice and cooperative...trying to win back my good graces. It’s so confusing. But I’m aware and awake now. So I keep reading these articles to remind myself of the reality of things. Not to get sucked back into his manipulation. Because it IS so easy to surrender and sweep things under the rug. Can’t allow that to happen for the sake of my babies. Keeping positive thoughts for the both of us.
I'm in the same kind of situation but with just one 23 mo old child. My abuser has been gaslighting me to the cops and everyone else he talks to. He even messaged me last night in the middle of the night telling me everyone will agree that I was the one manipulating HIM! Saying things about the Bible and God when he isn't at all religious, just trying to sound holier-than-thou to try and make me look bad. He knows I have severe anxiety and ocd and so when he took his stuff out of my apartment (luckily I was smart enough not to put him on the lease) he took my mattress, all the fans(we don't have central air) along with a bunch of our groceries and is holding my ebt card captive and just spent nearly $500 of it,blaming it on his brother and left the place an absolute mess. I have blocked his number and soci media but am scared to even leave because we live in a small town and I am bound to run into him at some point. He isolated me so completely that I no longer have any kind of support system left and even the amazing guy I have been lucky enough to find I keep at arm's length , afraid to feel for another and be hurt again.
Hello Analise, I am Cheryl Wozny, current author of the Verbal Abuse in Relationships blog here at Healthy Place. Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. It takes courage to take that step. I encourage you to explore some resources that can help you heal and move forward from this negative situation that you are facing. You can view many of them here: https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer…. Know that there are people to support you and help you, no matter where you are. Be well.
As a cult survivor, I’m not entirely sure that everyone has a “point of no return.” It depends on the person and their psyche. I believe that in at least some cases the brainwashing can be undone once you are out of the situation. Just my two cents.
This article contributes to the stereotypical gender usage, which does not aid in male abuse awareness. I personally do believe the article is good, but there are women who abuse men as well. Even a simple disclaimer AT THE TOP of the article about this awareness would be greatly appreciated.
I agree wholeheartedly. As a man who is barely a year out of what I’m now realizing was an incredibly abusive relationship I’m hurt to see that many of these articles don’t take men into consideration. The amount of guilt, shame, pain, and suffering I’ve endured has led me to believe that we don’t spend nearly enough time as a society recognizing and dealing with the depths of suffering men endure in many seemingly “normal” relationships. I have all the traits listed above as the “perfect victim” and tried for years to please someone who I now know was incredibly abusive. I don’t think anything in my life has ever been more psychologically damaging to me than my 8 year long abusive relationship - and that includes my alcoholic father. The worst part is I still feel TERRIBLE for leaving. I had nothing but love for my SO and was pushed to the breaking point so many times I lost count I was depressed, anxious, living with daily migraines and barely able to hold down a job. Men don’t realize they’re being emotionally abused…that their partner is using their love as a manipulative tool. They’re told from an early age “sticks and stones…” Many times I was told I was the abuser in the relationship, that I was horrible, had mental disorders, etc and because of my history with an alcoholic father I bought it hook, line, and sinker. I felt like I’d always worked so hard to love and care for my partner because I was always afraid I’d be an abuser myself because of my childhood and it wreaked havoc on me. The absolute frustration of never being able to do the “right” thing in the eyes of your abusive partner is something that I can’t even explain. I remember finally after all those years just asking “what do you want me to do? Tell me exactly what you want me to do please?” while in tears because I always just wanted so badly to make them happy and do the right thing. I’m now wrestling with guilt because I’m still afraid I could be a bad person. Emotional abuse is every bit as harmful as physical abuse. It can leave you walking around feeling like a shell of who you once were and guilty for hurting your abuser by leaving. I live with fear, guilt, and anxiety but I’m also making a life for myself, doing better at work, and able to devote time to helping others because I have my mental bandwidth back. To anyone who reads this DON’T UNDERESTIMATE EMOTIONAL ABUSE. It’s not gender specific and it takes a serious toll.