You've Got To Have Friends: Mental Illness and Community

Silver Linings aren't always visible right away, and sometimes we never find them. In our family, the silver lining of new friendship emerged this week from an awful event a few weeks ago. On his way to an "anonymous" meeting he has attended for almost eight years without incident, my son Ben became the victim of a crime. He was thrown to the ground, threatened with what the mugger said was a knife (we'll never know, nor do I want to), and robbed. The kids (two of them, he says) took his keys, his backpack with all his belongings, his cash, and his feeling of safety. Ben will never go to that meeting again, because the neighborhood now holds these terrifying memories .

The silver lining? Well, in finding a new meeting to attend, Ben has finally met some young people his own age who also have had issues with mental health.

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Fortunately, he is alright - Ben did the right thing and gave in. No blood, but a badly wrenched shoulder from when they ripped his backpack off of him. Sure, it could have been much worse, and we are grateful for that. But - well, you know. He feels violated, of course. And they took many things that he had worked so hard to own: his college textbooks, his notebook filled with creative writing, his phone and ipod, his handheld video games. Knowing how stress can trigger schizophrenia symptoms, we kept a close eye on his reactions for weeks. Fortunately, his post-attack reactions seem in the normal range. Whew.

And now - these new relationships have cheered Ben up considerably. I hadn't fully realized how lonely he must have been until he started receiving phone calls again from friends who want to do something as simple as go to a movie together.

At one of his meetings, the issue of mental illness was even brought up - and according to Ben over 90% of those in the room that night spoke about meds that they take. I don't fool myself into thinking this will be some sort of magic road to "illness acceptance" for Ben - but it can't hurt to have a few more bricks laid on the path.

Meanwhile, he looks forward to his meetings as never before because he will see friends, and that brightens any mother's heart.

We all need community, and friends. Some more than others, perhaps (I have a brother who only needs his small circle, while I thrive on larger circles surrounding the inner one of family-and-just-like-family folks) - but it is a basic human need to feel like a part of something. Ben's job and college classes are successful for him because he feels like part of a team; his "anonymous" meetings are founded on the same principle. NAMI has a site where young adults with mental illness can form an online community: Strength of Us. See, it's needed!

Want to be a friend to someone with mental illness - and to their family members as well? Natasha Tracy posted a terrific article a year ago about Supporting the Mentally Ill: Best Things to Say. It's a great reminder.

Even if mental illness gets in the way of relationships at times, it doesn't erase the need for human kindness, respect, empathy, interaction, and even love. We all need it.