I blame myself for my schizoaffective disorder, in reality, I know my schizoaffective disorder is not my fault. I know blaming myself doesn't make sense—especially since I live to fight mental illness stigma (Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective Disorder, and Self-Stigma). It doesn’t make sense for a lot of other reasons as well. Here’s why my schizoaffective disorder is not my fault--and why I blame myself for it anyway.

“Adulting” can be hard enough without schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. When you have a mental illness, even seemingly simple things like keeping the apartment clean add up to be monumental tasks (Guilt, Shame, and Responsibility in Mental Illness). Here’s how my schizophrenic and schizoaffective symptoms get in the way of adult obligations, even though I keep tackling them head on.

I have schizoaffective disorder, which is a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I also have generalized anxiety disorder (anxiety disorders frequently accompany bipolar disorder). On top of that, I have pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) which is like the pre-menstrual syndrome (PMS) many women experience but worse. Much, much worse. It is especially bad when you already have a disorder like schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder, a cascade of additional mood swings and depression.

Some lean on faith to cope with schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. My schizophrenic and schizoaffective symptoms brought me to the emergency room recently and to other places of crisis. The last time this happened, my faith in God helped me get through the tough time (A Conversation with God). But, as I got better, I didn’t have an immediate need for faith and my spirituality fell to the wayside. This time, I’ve decided to stay in the present with my faith as a way to cope with my schizophrenia and schizoaffective symptoms.

I have schizoaffective disorder, which is a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I recently completed a partial hospitalization for a schizoaffective disorder program, and taking the train to the hospital every day reminded me so much of the time, nine years ago, when my schizoaffective symptoms got so bad that I was admitted as an inpatient in the psychiatric ward of this same hospital. Here’s what it’s like to experience hospitalization for schizoaffective disorder or any mental illness.

I do miss the voices in my head occasionally. Most people who hear voices in their head would give anything to get rid of this scary and disruptive symptom of schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder (Auditory Hallucinations: What's It Like Hearing Voices?). I’m one of them. Yet sometimes I wish I could have an episode of hearing those voices in my head. Here’s why.

Help for suicidal thoughts in the hospital is important. In recent weeks, I spiraled into negative thinking patterns that induced suicidal thoughts. Usually, I have a pretty good handle on my schizophrenic or schizoaffective symptoms, but this time I knew I needed professional help. Here’s what I did to get help for suicidal thoughts related to my schizoaffective disorder.

*** Warning: this post contains frank discussions of suicide and suicidality. *** Feeling suicidal when you live with schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder is common, and I’m no exception (Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective Disorder, Suicidal Ideation). I’ve been feeling suicidal with schizoaffective disorder for over a decade—even when things are going well, the possibility of suicide has lurked in the back of my mind like a sleeping monster. And right now, not only do I have schizophrenic and schizoaffective symptoms to worry about, but the world seems to be falling apart around me.

You don’t need schizoaffective disorder to wish you had the ability to go back in time to see if things would have worked out differently if you had known when you were younger what you know now. I’ll be honest with you, not a day goes by that I don’t wonder--if I had made different choices in my teens, would I still have gotten schizoaffective disorder (Causes of Schizoaffective Disorder)?

Schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder doesn't have to stop you from having a business. Schizophrenic.NYC. founder Michelle Hammer, a native New Yorker, chatted with me about her business and how it helps homeless people with mental illnesses like schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder in New York City.