What’s a Normal Sex Life with Bipolar?

Hypersexuality is only an issue if it causes you to behave in such a way that is inconsistent with your values and your aims in life. So for example if a Christian was saving themselves for marriage but became disinhibited. Or somebody was impulsive and didn't use protection. Or somebody in an official position did something embarassing which came out in the press.
A low libido can be destructive to relationships, if there is not an understanding that the cause is medical and not personal.

I am dx schizo affective/bipolar type and even though I am old, I still try to get it on as much as I can safely.

At soon to be 54 and both HIV and Bipolar dating; let alone sex is hard, I have given up trying, not even into the new year two full months yet and I'm giving up alot lately.
I like what you write, keep up the excellent work.
Stephen

I agree that people with Bipolar seem to be more sexually adventurous.
My issue is that I'll complain it's never enough, and then get depressed and say I don't want it. My poor partner...

I have been living with BP for so long I can't remember when I first realized things were not normal in my life. Over the years, especially when I was single, the need for sex was a constant. As I have gotten older, now in my early 50's, I have realized that the problem with the need was not for the sex but for the orgasm. I have only had one partner in my life who was able to accomplish this. For the past 10 years since I have been with my husband sex is not an issue. I prefer not to have sex as I am not satisfied and has become very uncomfortable (hurts to do.) Not being satisfied means I get depressed, I get angry, and feelings other than my own get hurt. So I no longer have sex to avoid these problems. Any suggestions to help me have an active sex life again?

I am hoping to get some advise..my husband of 16 years never like holding hands, being intimate, just doing his own thing about 2 months into our marriage. I brought a son in from a previous and they seemed to hit it off. He was Dx'ed with Bipolar 2 and he lost interest in the kids and i and just went out after his job *which he had long before i met him. It has been such a lonely life for the kids and myself. He hasn't been hospitalize since i have been with him and seems very stable. Now kids are older my son moved out and my 16 year old can get him to do anything for her. Rides anytime of the night, borrowing large sums of money and he will never yell at her.
But with me he yells and rants and makes me cry and he just goes down the hall screaming shut up, shup up shut-up and puts another hole in the wall like last night. I don't know what to do anymore i have lost so much weight and wear a size 0 i look so ugly but he scares me with his moods and won't see a therapist, he said only one time that is it.
He also wants us to a marriage therapist but i do not think he is stable, I am really scare:( Jacie

Hi Jacie,
When I am not well it is very hard to function properly in any respect. It's also hard for others to understand that. When people put pressure on me, when I'm not well, to perform, even when it's done with love, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I have two options then. My favourite option is to run away and cry. But, if I'm trapped in a corner, I will snap like a wounded animal. I hate doing this because I can see how much it hurts my loved ones. But sometimes I have no choice. I need time and patience for treatment to work, so I can get back to doing the things I love, and being the person I am.
Now your husband is a different person to me, so my insights may not apply here, but it's something to think about.

Jacie the main point I am trying to make here is that his behaviour has everything to do with his illness and nothing to do with his feelings about you.

Thank you so much for this! I have been dealing with the effects of mania-driven hypersexuality my entire life, though it was only after recent career change that I was afforded the opportunity to really be sexually free. Once I found that freedom, the bouts of hypersexuality/mania left me in a chaotic mess!
I had a therapist attempt to send me to an AA-like group for my promiscuous behavior, yet I took great offense to being labeled a "sex addict" when, clearly, my extreme sexual activities were related to mania and episodic in nature.
When I read you description of how it feels to be hypersexual, that it feels like you would "break through a wall to get to the sex on the other side," or what you said about being "aroused by a fishbowl." That is EXACTLY how I feel! I'm glad I am not alone.
I keep a blog related to my sexual exploration, much of which has been driven through bouts of mania. This exploration has had both positive and negative affects. My issue is that I think most people just cannot comprehend the feeling. I think most of the people subscribed to my blog think that I must be lying or exaggerating. How many people can relate to having multiple, anonymous partners for eighteen hours straight? How many people can relate the almost hellish experience of never having that refractory period following orgasm, which means nothing can truly get at that "itch" that takes over your mind and body? How many people experience going at it until their body just quits... and then still having the ravenous urge for it! I think you can, and I appreciate that so much!
Sorry to ramble, but I am happy that I discovered your page! Thank you for writing it.
-Kate

Just a quick question,I met a guy 8 month's ago,I didn't want to rush anything,he had mentioned he had bipolar,but I didn't take much notice,he rushed to tell me he loved me put the relationship tag on us and then 5 months later said it was to much pressure and wanted to take the relationship tag off us,so I agreed and left it at that,he was very sexually guy,but recently has said he isn't in the mood for it and now says he doesn't know how he feels about anything,could it b bipolar or is it him letting me down gently really unsure advice would b grate

Natasha Tracy, you are a moron!!! Not only that: You are irresponsible! You write, "It seems we’re all a bit mystified as to how this mental illness affects our sex lives." THIS IS NOT A MENTAL ILLNESS!!! How dare this topic be written about by you! A bipolar disorder is a physical illness that affects the chemicals in your body! At NO time does any intelligent person (in the last thirty plus years) rate this as a mental illness! The U.S. Courts even classify this as the only disease of this type that can be addressed by the Courts as it CAN BE measured and dealt with in a physical way! PLEASE - NEVER, EVER PUT YOUR NAME TO AN ARTICLE FOR OTHERS TO READ AGAIN on this subject (and probably any others if you show such stupidity in this field - you must be a complete idiot on any subject!!!!!!!!!!!!).

Um, who is this Bob person? . . .
Most mental illnesses are physical in nature (i.e. brain-based). IE. bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, clinical major depression . . .to name the most obvious.

I'm guessing he's just some random idiot Julia. I wonder where he gets his info from... Natasha is clearly a reliable, wonderful and helpful person in dedicating her time to this blog. Personally, I have found it a godsend.

I have been with a guy who has bipolar but now he wants to take a brake from me. I really like him. Should I give him space like he said? Is he never going to call me again? I don't know what to do. He does get mean at times too telling me he never wanted me. Should I just let him go?

liz,i would let him go for now ,give it a break ,i don"t know how much you are attached right now, but it might be a good time to give it a break ,and then you can decide for yourself what is best for you, what i have learned as much as we want to help, we still need to put ourselves first, i know its not easy, but it will work out, as long as you keep the focus on yourself,

Thanks George for the advice. I am attached to him very much and honestly I don't know why. Maybe deep down in me I want to help and save him. It is very hard not calling him it is only day three. I know time will go by and I will be okay.

Your welcome Liz,actually i am on day three of not calling friend with bipolar, i read natasha"s blog here to help me understand a friend, i know they have an illness, and it helps to learn all you can, i am told or learned here its not about me,in other words the pushing away has nothing to do with me, and that i should detach lovelingly and take care of myself, and when they come back, if i want to, i can be there for them, and that deep down they really do appreciate it,you sound very positive i think you will be ok too,

Perhaps someone could shed some light on a question that I have. I've been married for ten years to my BP wife. She was diagnosed five years ago. After our third child she had what we now refer to as her "mom gone wild" period, after which she hit rock bottom. She and I have been working together and are now on good ground. During her extended manic phase her hypersexuality manifested itself mainly outside of our marriage; however; within that time frame our sex life became much more open, experimental and exciting than ever before. This leads me to my question. Do the sexual desires still reside within my wife now that she is level. She is much more reserved and seems to hide some of those sexual behaviors that I enjoyed. She made the comment once that I don't get one without the other. Does anybody have any thoughts on this. Also, our marriage has survived and we are stronger now than we ever were before because of our experience, work and love.

My husband is bipolar. We have been married for 2 months. He is stable and takes medication but I have definitely noticed changes in his mood if we are not having sex regularly. He started to sink into a really low and irritable mood that he was having a hard time pulling out of but we started having sex on a regular basis again and he has gotten back to "normal" almost immediately. This is all new to me but I'm gathering as much information as possible about my husband and BD. Is this normal?

Geoffrey,
Well done for making the commitment and the effort to support your wife and your family! I respect where you are coming from and I understand the questions you have. Unfortunately, I'm sorry to say that what your wife says is true - you are unlikely to get one without the other. I have been happily married 10yrs (+2 kids) to an awesome man. I also have BP and experience hyper sexuality in the up cycles but then find it hard to get going when I'm "normal" (which is most of the time). We still have a good sex life, but I get what you mean, it's not the wild exhilarating sex that I hunt him down for in an up cycle! ;-) I bet your wife wishes she could turn it on as much as you do. But I'm sorry they are not dormant desires that are "trapped" inside her, it is just something that is isolated to the up phase of BP. Of course, that's not to say you can't or won't experience that sex again. We have, but we both accept that it won't always be that way. Enjoy the memories. ;-)

Does anyone ever experienced hypersexuality when their not hypomanic or manic

Hi all,
I am a 31 year old married bipolar on Lithium and Quetiapine for 1.5 years and struggling with my sex life: I hardly get any desire at all and as reaching climax is so complicated I don't want it and it gets more and more painful everytime we try.
I've tried to find information on alternative medication or therapy that could help me improve but data on this is really limited.
Do you have similar experiences and?or have found treatment that helped?
Many thanks

Hi all. I enjed and appreciated your comments. I am a 50 year old male BP2. I have always had an insatiable sexual desire. The thing is with mem it actually seems to increase as my mood heads south, like I need the high of orgasm to make me feel alive and validated for a few moments. Can any one else relate to this. Ive never been able to personally comprehend losing desire due to depression. It is compounded by the fact that my wife of 30 years has no interest in sex. I love her but find her disinterest very hard to deal with. It is often the trigger that sends me into a downward spiral. Due to my Christian beliefs seperation is not an option, besides, I really love her, I just wish she desired me physically. Its not that we dont have sex however what amounts to vaginal masturbation is less than fulfilling. At times i'm ravenouse and envy those who satisfy the super powerful urges through pormiscuity during the highs and seem to get away with it. Ive only ever had the one partner. So often wonder what it would be like to share intimacy with someone else, someone who actually wanted to satisfied sexually. I often feel if my wife would only make some effort to understand and accomodaye my needs then my life would be a lot more balanced. Ive tried to speak to her about it again and again over the years. All I get is empty promises that are forgotten ad soon as theyre made and nothing changes. Sorry if Ive rambled a bit, but thanks for letting me share. Can any ine else relaye to my frustrations?

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 8 yrs. We first got togather we had sex everyday and last year she was diagnosed with bi polarism. I always knew she had it, but she was never diagnosed. Now she says she doesn't like sex and we sleep in separate beds. We have 2 little girls; she is highly abusive verbally; not physical and I feel she is not on the right meds. She feels like she is and will not be truthful with her docter, but we all suffer everyday in this home because of this diorder. I hope she would not cheat on me and feel no normality will ever come to this family if something is not done. Can someone pls. help give some advice on what to do ? ?

I am 34 and my wife and I have been together for 16 years. We have sex maybe once a month she was diagnosed with bipolar about 5 years ago we struggle everyday with how her mood is. She can be very verbally abusive towards me and our two sons. When we do have sex it is awesome but it is very rare. I will try to have a good evening and set the mood but rarely ever works. We have tried to plan it that don't work we have went to the therapist and done marriage counseling and it seems to help understand the issues that we are having but definitely does not fix them.I am a very patient man and love my wife more than anything in the world I just wish that we could have sex more than once or twice a month. We have even went six to seven months with no sex. And I get discouraged because she wont have sex and she gets discouraged because I want sex. I can't tell when she is in the mood or not and when I tried to talk to her she wants nothing to do with it. Can anybody with bipolar please help me figure out what I should do? thank you very much.

Joe, I am a three time divorcee. I am hypersexual and impulsive and gravitate to assholes. I have had my moments where i can rip another asshole in someone because I have had enough. I wasn't diagnosed until this last marriage. That was probably the worst thing possible because my husband looked for things to blame on my diagnosis. Come to think about it before i was ever diagnosed and right after we got married he turned over after sex, looked at me straight in the eyes, and said that married people don't have sex everyday. Truth is your wife's medication could easily affect her labido. I have a friend who is diagnosed Bi-polar and rarely ever wants sex. I wish more women would realize how much intimacy and sex release the endorphins that are needed to better function. Unfortunately, my hypersexuality has put me in places and relationship that were not healthy. You both need a support group. I have a support system in place. It is nearly impossible to get through most days without them.

I have had bipolar(didn't know till this year) since i was 10, environmental and genetic. Mom depression, dad bipolar narcissistic, grandpa too, and too many more in family. I used to be verbally abusive to family, and overly compensating to friends, but shame shame and shame and people hating/avoiding me have forced me to be more compassionate to people and myself so yay but i feel i don't really love my significant other, but i thought i did.. I hate sex and am shamed by it. I have twisted thoughts about it too. It sucks. I like someone else but i don't think i am good for anyone. I love too many people and new people but not sex. Just emotion. Idk why its kind of ass backwards. I don't want to hurt anyone but i end up hurting everyone.

Joe i think she feels like a caged and misunderstood bird. She needs new experiences to feel satisfied with her routine life, she is bipolar and has the need of consuming new information and experiences.we feel superhuman when we are manic and have no one at all to tell our secret desires too. Responsibility kills our souls. Its not what we would prefer but our brains are natural drugs. Is she an artist? Is she so bad she cant work? Its a paradox, but i cant work in regular jobs i go apeshit but i need to feel like i give back, like im valuable to others. Too much shame kills ego, and we are severely confused of all action and emotion. Are we doing the right thing, for us or them, at any given moment? At least this is how my bipolar brain behaves.

Hey, a few questions:
1) can someone be only hypomanic? or does this fluctuate from different stages of highs and lows also, but with lesser then highs and lows?
2)if the above answer is a yes then does the hypersexuality moment change for them as well? Such as last longer, or always be on.
3) this may be posted but I have not found yet but and again if hypomanic only is possible, does this change things for meds.?

Hey guys, um,in August of 2014, my hubby was diagnosed with bipolar mixed episodes. My issue is that, his libido died! I know it's not me but embarrassingly it seems like he has lost interest in me. He still looks at porn and talks about sex with another woman and myself and I am being deprived even from pleasing myself... What can I do,especially since I cant use toys and I dont want anyone else in our union?

I am a 30 yo female with BP I and often experience mixed episodes. At it's heights my hypersexuality includes sex with women, couples, strangers, and if I am in a relationship a strange burning desire to watch him with another woman. When in relationship, I have always been monogomous. When masterbating I can't stop until I've had 75- 150 orgasms. It's just never enough. When I come down to normal (I am hypo- full on manic 80% time )I have a healthy, normal libido. No interest in women or strangers etc. When I am on meds- it's another ballgame. I've tried almost every med and some kill your sex drive and some ramp it up- but you have to treat the BP first and then deal with side effects. All this to say, none of this has anything to do with my significant other, how I feel about them, if I am attracted to them, etc. It's just another roller coaster I ride. If I could stop it and just be still with my love in a healthy place- I'd give the world for that.

My husband of three months saw me coming a mile away. I thought he was a sex addict but as I read up more, I think it's the hyper sexuality of BP. He was institutionalized for a manic episode (for a few months) in 2009.
I met him at the beginning of last year and we married in December. Two days ago he entered into a severe manic episode and I think his family is trying to have him committed for now.
I was a virgin and sooo naive (didn't even know the difference in looking at a circumcised penis vs not circumcised). I told him of sexual abuse in my past and how I only ever thought I was meant to be used as a sex toy and he took full advantage. Before I began to discover his acting out, I enjoyed sex and dirty talk bc I thought it was innocent and just between us, but when I began to see that he was doing all the same things with other women, I began to hate myself and consider sex a punishment.
While dating, He led me to believe he was a man of faith when in fact his sexual promiscuity since 2009 had progressed and led him into illegal activities.
I question if getting off of his meds in 2010 drive the hyper sexual side to an astronomical level.
Nevertheless, I have been pursuing a civil annulment based in fraud and duress (he had been a master deceiver and manipulator, isolating me) Having been only married three months and having to be tested multiple times as more as more truth comes out (sexual past, prostitutes in our home etc), I question my decision.
Do I stay in a risky marriage when I have the opportunity to get out safely? Or is this a part of the "for better or worse"? Or is this comin out now an escape for me?
The way I "feel" is that I would love to be everything I can be for him to help him, but I don't ever want to have sex with him again (even though I enjoyed having sex 3,4,6 or 10 times a day early on.)
Definitely torn and don't understand all of this.
I am most amazed by those who are BP and DO remain only with their partner.. To those of you: I greatly admire you!! I cannot imagine your struggle and the fact that you stay committed is a HUGE feat in providing security for your partner in the midst of your struggle of which he/she likely doesn't understand and never will. Props to you! If I could praise you from the mountaintops I would. Well done!!!
I wish that my husband would have done the same. I just don't know how to move forward in this. Why is it so hard?

I have been diagnosed with a bi polar disorder and I am in recovery from drugs and alcohol been clean 28 years . been abstinent from sex since 93 or 95 not sure when exactly.
Februaary of this year I had sex for the first time since then it was great
but I took a reisk I had unprotected sex which is something I promised never to do. I ran and got tested 2 weeks later everything is fine but I am going again in 6 moths..I have opened up a box of worms no now I am
wanting to have sex opposed to not having it in all those years Just thought I'd share (

Hi guys.. I'm hoping your able to offer advice. I've been dealing with bp type 1 for a few years. I'm male married for 15 years with 4 kids and a wife who loves sex.. I think she'd take it 3 times a day if she could... Well we used to early on! But of late... I've the last year and a half I have no drive.. None at all.. I've just come down from a 4 week manic episode and even during that I didn't want sex..
What does concern me though is that during that episode every female I saw I imagined her naked.. Not a conscious thing hell I'd prefer not to have done... And on the odd occasion I did feel aroused.. But still no sex drive..
This of course is troublesome for my dear partner... We have managed sex 2 in 18 months... And I'm starting to feel like a failure for not being able to fulfil my part..
Any ideas would be greatly received.. Any advice in fact just anything....

My fiance and i have had not sex since mid feb, He needs his
meds adjusted, However no sec since valentins. He swears he would not cheat on me, but there has been signs. He is in a depressed state and has been for 4 months. I know he loves me and intintially dont want to cheat. However, not intimacy at all and I am a very attractive lady and very patient with him we dont fight and talk bad to each other. Very sweet to me, but now he has days in the week he stays home instead of coming over, before he would not skip a chance, I want to know if there are signs of them cheating, he is always tired and is blah all the time. he said it kills his sex drive but since mid feb?? HELP I love him deeply but never married and will be in 3 months. I just need to be 100 sure he is being faithful

Yes, turned on by a dish towel, spending hours a day masturbating to try and scratch the itch. I'm a single mom and can't behave erratically...it's all I think about, I wish it would just stop. Hypersexuality is definitely not all it's cracked up to be.

My husband is diagnosed Bipolar 2 and at the beginning of our relationship we had sex every time we seen each other, it was great. Fast forward to 4 years later and were married, we have sex very sporadically. Well go 2 weeks without sex then we'll do it a couple times, then another couple weeks without. The sex we do have is always initiated by him, because I don't like to put myself in the position to be rejected anymore. He complains I want sex too much, and that I'm "needy and desperate." So I bought a vibrator.
I know that my husband had a sexually wild past and I'm often jealous I couldn't have experienced it. He is a dedicated Christian now so there is a lot that he doesn't see fit for a Christian relationship. Some things he just won't even talk to me about. I feel as though there is never any passion and he only has sex with me to appease me. I have a hard time feeling wanted and loved by him but he doesn't see anything wrong. I guess this is the other side of all these hyper sexual comments.

srha,I had an ex that had the same problem. She was a grad student finishing her doctoral dissertation. During that time her grandfather died,the pressures of finalizing her ph.d and finding a job,etc. I tried myself to be very supportive,however the sex died to nothing and was very difficult to reciprocate simply because she became very unaffectionate. She would sometimes blame it on her meds and stress,then sometimes put it on me .I think that it may have indeed drug related because I caught her red handed receiving xanax at her birthday party. Xanax wasn't on her meds that she was prescribed . She was prescribed a mixture of 5 or 6 meds which included mood elevators,antidepressants, and add meds. I read that many of these meds csn suppress sexual desire. From January -May we only were intimate 3-4 times ,wheras before the stress and drug abuse we had done that in a 24 hour period. She actually ended up finishing her doctorate and took a research job in another city. I was going to move with her ,but she went on a 3-4 month manic state and nearly made me lose my own sanity.I believe that sex should be a focal point in a relationship and if it ceases the couple should use good communication skills to maintain a healthy level because . A healthy sex life is imperative to make things work . Unfortunately, I had never been in a relationship with someone that was bipolar and didn't know how to handle the erratic behavior. It took a long time to get closure,but researching her disorders and understanding that the crack cocaine drug addiction in her past had sprung up in a stressful time which complicated things even more. In one episode she took a three day weekend in which she returned talking 90 m.p.h. and even told me that she had no idea why she hasn't beenable to sleep for 3 days. She claimed that this was a hypomanic episode triggered by stress a few days later when she visited her therapist. From what I saw ,it may have been hypomania,but most likely by using her past and recent drug abuse that this wasn't stress induced and she may have even lied about the therapist visit.Throughout our time together I tried to stay strong by being there for her and calling bs on times that she said that she wasn't abusing her meds. I knew that she had some problems ,but I thought throughout that after she graduated that possibly it would get manageable. I learned through this experience that no longer how much you love someone that you cannot fix them and most importantly you have to respect yourself enough to cut yourself free and refuse to stay in a relationship that is one-sided. I believe that a responsible person that regulates their meds properly and proper therapy visits etc.can indeed be successful, yet when someone self medicates it's always a disaster as I now know. It hurts because she was a sweet girl when she wasn't abusing. It was a shame that it ended up like that the last few months ,but I had to ask myself if I wanted someone who expected me to accept that level of chaos becoming regular.

The comments are great!
Ken