My Yearly Bipolar Check Up

The anniversary of my father’s passing is nearly here. It’s given me pause to reflect on what my life’s been like this last year. I went into a deep depression that lasted from September to February. I had a short lived hypomanic episode, too. I would say that I wish my year had been better, but it could’ve been worse.

I think my father would’ve been proud that his death didn’t send me into the hospital.

There were weeks when I wish I could’ve given into the depression and done that. In some ways, it would’ve been easier to not care. But I had a family who relied on me to be a dependable Mom and I couldn’t let them down. No matter how much I missed my father, I couldn’t give in to my mental illness. He wouldn’t have wanted that.

Now, nearly a year later, I can say with certainty that I am getting better.

My bipolar episodes are getting better. The depression was a doozy, but I don’t think I can attribute all of that to my bipolar illness. Losing a parent is no easy task and it had to leave it’s mark. My hypomanic episode was short and late. I don’t expect to experience another for the rest of the season. It’s getting too close to my depression time.

Do you experience depression and manic episodes once a year?

I used to have them multiple times of year. I used to have mixed bipolar episodes (both depression and mania at the same time). I felt so nuts that I think it just fueled the fire. Now that they’ve calmed down a lot, I think my fears can begin to calm down, too. Since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I’ve had a huge fear that I would be hospitalized and they would just throw away the key. That fear has kept me running for help to make sure I don’t end up on that road. You might say that it was the motivation I needed to get my life back on track.

My life was once filled with drugs and alcohol. I abused them during manic times. Now I might have the occasional glass of wine, but there is no abuse happening here. I determined that my life would be better spent if I applied all that energy into feeling better. I’m glad my gamble paid off.