Social Anxiety: A Spectrum From Shy to Avoidant

Hi Mache,
It's fairly common for social anxiety (phobia) to be with a person from a very early age. You're very correct that it could be caused by a variety of things. Sometimes exploring the cause is helpful, and other times it can prevent someone from moving forward. It's good that you are working with a therapist, as knowing when to explore the past and when to let go is a decision best made with help from a therapist, and one that you are comfortable with. You have another astute observation: that the more you avoid the fear, the bigger it becomes (that's true for all of us). Have you considered gradual exposure therapy and in vivo therapy? With these, you are slowly exposed to the phobia to let your mind and your body gradually become accustomed to social settings. In vivo means in life or in the world. The therapist accompanies you to various social settings and works with you through the fear until it becomes tolerable. Perhaps you might want to discuss these techniques with your therapist and he/she can help you decide if they are right for you. It's not easy, but there are ways to reduce that mountain to a hill. It might never be flat, but it will not be so big as to get in your way.

Hi Emily,
I imagine that it might have been frustrating to be told that you'd grow out of your shell! Even if people were very well meaning, it kind of sends a message that there was something wrong with your shell. There is nothing wrong with being shy or having social anxiety disorder or avoidant personality disorder. The only thing that might be "wrong" about it is not a flaw in the person experiencing such social anxiety but a sense of "wrongness" if you think it's getting in the way of living the life you want. Living life around your nerves might not be limiting at all for you. Many people are very comfortable living quiet lives that aren't very social. And that's perfectly okay! Where it becomes problematic is if someone wants to come out of their shell but can't. There are ways to gradually do just that if you want to. But if you don't perceive a problem, then you should embrace who you are and how you want to live!

This may or may not come as a surprise to you: you aren't alone in this experience! I actually can relate very much to what you describe, as can many. I noticed something that you wrote, something that is very powerful and very useful. You identified one of your strengths: you own the fact that you're great with strangers. It sounds like once you knew that you were great with people in general, but a series of negative experiences with people you know has shifted your thoughts and beliefs to being good with strangers only. Another good thing is that you are able to identify specific things that happened to cause this shift for you. There are different ways to combat this new social anxiety (at the very least to keep it from progressing but I think it can be greatly reduced). One way is to first focus on your unique strengths. Be specific. What character strengths to you possess that you can use in the world? Write them down and keep them with you to look at often. Add to them when you notice more good things about you or what you do. How are you good with strangers, how did you behave as a social butterfly, etc. Then take an objective look at the problematic people in your past and present. Write down things about them (of course this wouldn't be a petty list of superficial weaknesses but a true examination of how they interacted with you as well as possible reasons.) Perhaps you'll find objective evidence that their treatment of you wasn't justified. Armed with that knowledge plus knowledge of your strengths, you can begin to move forward and hold a job that is satisfying to you, enter new relationships, etc. Your social anxiety is legitimate. And it's a product of past interactions. The past doesn't have to be the pattern of your future.

Hi Momma Davis,
It is extremely important for you to know that your daughter's anxiety is not your fault. Other than in extreme circumstances such as abuse, anxiety in children/adolescents is not caused by parents (studies show it). I'm a parent, too, and I know that it's natural for us to question ourselves when our children go through something like this. Truly, though, her anxiety is not caused by you. Your message indicates a mom who is extremely caring and wants to help her daughter. That is an asset, and your daughter is lucky to have such a supportive parent. Don't think of her anxiety in terms of what you are doing wrong. Think instead from her perspective. The best way to do that is to talk and listen to your daughter (you most likely are doing this, so keep at it!). Sometimes it's helpful to not focus so much on the anxiety. Talk to her about other things in her life: interests, classes, TV shows, anything other than the anxiety. Play games together or find other hobbies. These will show her that there's more to her than anxiety. Regarding her anxiety, don't ignore it. Ask her what would make things better for her, then slowly work to make those things happen. What strategies a therapist or school counselor should use will depend on her age and developmental stage. True improvement is a gradual process, but it can happen. (And one final thought: let her define what "improvement" means to her. If, for example, social anxiety is the main issue, she might not want to turn into a social butterfly. The goal doesn't have to be extreme popularity. It's perfectly okay if her goal is to simply be more comfortable in a classroom and have one or two friends to eat lunch with.) You seem very caring, and that is going to help your daughter.

Hi Marie,
Thank you for commenting. I will keep my comments to a minimum because you are addressing this to other readers for their thoughts. HealthyPlace is designed to be a place for people to interact with each other and exchange experiences, so it's great that there's a discussion here! I'll simply say that you aren't alone at all. There's no specifier attached to the criteria for social anxiety that indicates that the anxiety must happen around X number of people. You feel comfortable one-on-one, but anything more than that is very difficult. That's not at all strange, and that is definitely social anxiety. I'm wondering if you've ever tried gradually increasing the number of people you feel comfortable with by practicing with people you hang out with individually. For example, you could be with your finacee and then have a good friend or family member join you for a short time. I'm sure others can share their experiences as well as some tips. Oh, one last thing. Congratulations on your sobriety. Be proud of yourself for that. It takes a strong person to recognize a problem and take action to fix it.

Hi Rene,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! I love what you had to say. The message I took from this is that being shy isn't "bad." Yes, there are challenges that result, but strenghts come from it too -- we are who we are, and who we are affects what we learn in life. I think general well-being would increase if people would accept themselves and accept others for all of our similarities and differences. I like your comment about techniques, too. No matter what it is we live with or what our inborn temperament is like, we can find ways to grow and overcome difficulties. We can embrace who we are while striving to beat obstacles. I'm glad you have visited our website, and I hope you return. (And happy birthday next week.)

Hello Aishah,
I'm very glad you commented. By reading articles, questioning, and commenting, you're being proactive in achieving your own wellbeing and happiness. I'm happy to reply, but please know that this won't be diagnostic. I would never try to do that based on the little snapshot you shared. There's so much more to you than the problem you're dealing with!
There are indeed different degrees of social anxiety. Also, while there are common symptoms of social anxiety, it is a very individualized disorder. What it's like for one person is different than what it's like for someone else. So while some people also have panic/anxiety attacks with social anxiety, others do not. Panic attacks are not required for social anxiety. Many things you describe do match social anxiety, but again, it's impossible (and unwise) to diagnose online. Some things that are considered when counselors/psychologists/psychiatrists make a diagnosis for any mental health issue are the length of time something has lasted. In your case, it's meaningful that it's been worse over the past year. You've perhaps been shy since you were a kid, but if that didn't disrupt your life or occur with other things, it could very well be temperament -- which never has the labels "good" or "bad" attached to it.) Since it's now worse, it's possible that you might be experiencing social anxiety disorder of some degree. Another thing that is considered when deciding if symptoms are part of a disorder is how much they disrupt and limit someone's life. The more disruptive or disabling the symptoms are, the more they point to a disorder. One other thing that should be considered (not all professionals take this into consideration, but many do) is development/stage of life. How old someone is and where they are developmentally does have an impact on mental health. Adolescence is a time of great change and discovery. Friends and peers become increasingly important, but because nearly every teenager is self-conscious (many don't admit it, but don't let that fool you), it can make social interaction difficult. If the awkwardness and discomfort continues, though, and even gets worse, and if it severely limits what someone does, then it could be social anxiety. Social anxiety can cause physical symptoms such as the one you're experiencing with your throat. However, it's important to see a medical doctor to rule out a physical illness. The Catch-22 about social anxiety is that seeing a professional can be extremely helpful in overcoming it (and it can be overcome), but the nature of social anxiety makes it hard to see a professional. Some people find it helpful to write a list of what they're experiencing to give to the therapist to start things off. If your school has counselors, you could start there. While it could be hard to start, it could also be incredibly helpful to see a professional therapist. It's very important to know that no matter what degree of social anxiety you may be experiencing, this anxiety isn't who you are. It's something you're dealing with, and it's something you can overcome in a way that works for you. You don't have to become something you're not in order to get rid of an annoyance.

Hi Sierra,
Your message is amazing. You have a lot of insight into yourself and your world (school, peers, home). Your ability to reflect on what's causing you difficulty and think about it on this level indicates intelligence, thoughtfulness, and maturity. This is a big part of what makes someone resilient and able to thrive despite problems, even things like social anxiety in high school. While I do think your doctor's suggestion about counseling is a good one, I also think that the time might not be right for you right now. So don't feel that you "should" be going to a counselor. Because of your level of insight and intelligence in communicating, you might consider bibliotherapy, which is the process of healing and growing through reading. Your library will likely have books about social anxiety, and hopefully the library will have books specifically for teens. Books about communication are great, too, because they can help you develop one-on-one conversation skills. A few books to look into: The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens: CBT and ACT Skills to Help You Build Social Confidence by Jennifer Shannon LMFT and Doug Shannon (note: I love ACT -- acceptance and commitment therapy -- and paring it with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is great for social anxiety), Smile and Succeed for Teens by Kirt Manecke, and Beyond Texting: The Fine Art of Face-to-Face Communication for Teenagers by Debra Fine. (A note about this one. Personally, I find the title and description a bit off-putting, as if the book is written to "straighten kids these days out." :) Looking beyond that, the content of the book seems good.) These are just a few examples. If you like the idea of finding books to help you discover how to rise above social anxiety, you'll discover that there are many different choices available. Social anxiety can be terrible (as if adolescence and high school weren't challenging enough!), but you can grow past it.