'Tammy'

Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"Tammy"

Hi my name is "Tammy" and I do believe I have obsessive compulsive disorder as well as general anxiety disorder.

I remember as a small child I was continually preoccupied with weather or not we had enough food in the house, if we were running low on something I would stress until my mother replenished the supply. This still holds true 25 years later. I can not run out of any household supplies or I feel overwhelmed. I also have an obsession with fire I am 28 years old and have never lit a lighter or match. I remember whenever my mother would have a small grease fire on the stove, I would run out into the street to get away from the fire. I would not return until I was certain that the fire was out. While a teenager I remember never being able to fall asleep until my father woke up, I was prone to stay up and fire watch to keep us all safe. My obsession with fire has somewhat subsided, only due to the fact that I control my house environment with four smoke alarms, a CO2 detector, and fire extinguishers. And even though I know in my mind that is plenty my instincts tell me I need more.

My other obsession is with death. Everyday I am plagued with thoughts of death, that of loved ones and/or myself. I vision how I, as well as others, would cope. I can't shake the feelings of sorrow and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to rid my head of these thoughts. I am sick. I worry continually about the actions I am taking as if they are my last, or someone I care abouts last. I never want to end anything on a bad note, for fear that I may never see them again due to death. I perform ritualistic tasks so that every time I leave everything will be constant. People think I am crazy. Am I? I also have doubt in myself, did I remember to lock the door? I can not rest until I get up and check my self every time the though enters my head, I feel that if I do not check this time it would be the time that I should have. The same goes for the stove, the water supplies in the basement, saying my prayers and thanking the Lord. If I think it I must do it, or it consumes me.

I am afraid of driving and every day my fear gets worse. I am afraid of having an accident, hurting someone else or hurting myself. I hardly drive now as a result and I have to be drove to work for two reasons the fear of driving and the ritual to keep things the same. When I do drive I am on edge afraid to do anything but drive straight. Turns, merges, lane changes bring on panic and the shakes. If by rare occasion I do drive I am afraid to take passengers for fear of getting them hurt in an accident. I also fear of making mistakes and not being perfect. It effects me because I try so hard at everything I appear clumsy. It is that I am only trying to do it as fast and perfect as possible so that I please people. My relationships have failed because I loved too much, and I now seek to get help and control from the monster within me, so I can regain my life. I want it back. And I hope it is not too late. I don't know if my loved ones understand. They tease me and say I am nuts, if they only knew how close I am to that. They would eat their words.

I also have general Anxiety Disorder, I can't stop planning everyday tasks. Not while visiting friends and family, while working, resting, relaxing or sleeping. The everyday routines hang in my thoughts. I plan out even the smallest details, and think about the what if's. I plan for them too. I worry about stuff that the normal person would just do or not do. Dishes, dusting, making the bed etc., etc. all while working a full time job, I force myself to stay on top of all of this, to the point that I never get time to myself, because I never have enough time to squeeze everything in so it gets pushed off on to the next day and then with even more stuff to do I am even more stressed out. This cycle never ends I am never done! Everyday it is something.

I have not turned to illegal drugs or alcohol yet, I have no addiction there, I have started taking Paxil but it is too soon to tell if this will help, I do feel better and I need to get on the right track to recovery.

I am not a doctor, therapist or professional in the treatment of CD. This site reflects my experience and my opinions only, unless otherwise stated. I am not responsible for the content of links I may point to or any content or advertising in HealthyPlace.com other then my own.

Always consult a trained mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment choice or changes in your treatment. Never discontinue treatment or medication without first consulting your physician, clinician or therapist.

Content of Doubt and Other Disorders
copyright ©1996-2009 All Rights Reserved

next: Addiction and Recovery Links
~ ocd library articles
~ all ocd related disorders articles