My Obsessively Clean Diary: July 2001

Quest for Freedom!

~ An insight into OCD ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Dear Diary,

Here come's the rain again!" Today is a total wash out! It's been raining all day. So much for Summer!

I'm not feeling quite as spaced out as I did yesterday, thank goodness! I felt really numb all day and had for a couple of days. It was like I was invisible and silent and watching life around me but not really able to take part in it. A very weird feeling.

I stayed at my Mum's last week and continued to make small progress with the OCD. I normally wouldn't dare go into certain shops in the town there (too much contamination!) and wouldn't go into the town on Saturdays, but I managed to do both and had a really nice visit with my Mum.

It was Dad's Birthday at the weekend, so we took presents and cards to him in the Nursing home which was great. There have been too many birthdays where I haven't been able to see family. My Dad doesn't have as good an understanding of OCD as my Mum, but he does know I'm doing well and encourages me.

Whilst at Mum's, I spoke on the phone to Phil, then wished I hadn't! as he admitted to being "in love," with the woman he's having the affair with. That began my feeling of numbness, I think. It seems I finally have to accept my relationship with him is over. If only he'd given us a chance. All those years taken up by OCD, denying us a "normal," marrige and now just when we could be enjoying our lives together he has to go and find a "replacement," someone who he has no foundation with or memories to share.

Phil and I met when we were both 19 and married when we were 26. So we were together for 17 years! That's a long time, especially if you become virtually isolated with that person, almost as if you're on a deserted island, just the two of you. I feel such a huge loss in my life that I am really finding it hard to come to terms with. Imagine if you and the person closest to you were the only two people on earth and they disappeared. That lonliness and isolation is what I'm feeling all the time and sometimes I just can't bear it. When that happens, I always seem to get really tired and need to sleep, as if my mind can't cope anymore and needs to switch off for a while.

The down side to doing so much more in my life and allowing myself to keep getting "contaminated," is that I feel the need to wash my hands more. Although only once at a time and not as I used to have to do ~ a case of my having to stand at the sink washing my hands over and over again until they were red and sore!

I will sign off for now, hope everyone reading this is okay and staying determined.

Love ~Sani~

next: My Obsessively Clean Diary: October 2001
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