women and sex

Because men are allowed to express themselves sexually from an early age, it gives them more confidence in the sexual arena. But the trugh is that they let their guard down here makes them more vulnerable than ever.

Women should be aware that men are particularly vulnerable to rejection before, during, and after sex. Sex opens men up to rejection and sexual rejects are often seen as personal rejections.

Their defenses are down and they are at risk. They are like a turtle without a shell-easily punctured and hurt. In addition, men often don't distinguish between the rejection of them sexually and the rejection of them as a whole person.

But will they act hurt when they are rejected? Probably not. That is not an acceptable emotion for men in our society. They are more likely to act mad or sullen, or merely withdraw. Their defensive reaction to the injury is detached, distant, or critical in keeping with society's expectations of men. Often the reaction is, "I'm gone; I'm out of here."

Does this mean women should have sex with men whenever or wherever the men wish, just to avoid wounding them in their vulnerable state?

Of course not.

But it does mean they should be aware that men are particularly vulnerable before, during, and after sex. This is not the time to launch into a ten minute dissertation of what is wrong with his sexual technique.

next: Men's Sexual Fantasies

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

Sometimes we want to be helpful to an adult friend who is feeling bad. How can we offer such personal help to a friend? How can we guard against damaging our relationship with them in the process?

THREE GUIDING PRINCIPLES:

1. Do you really WANT to help?
2. Are you willing to ONLY LISTEN unless they specifically ask for more?
3. Can you pay attention to their EMOTIONS instead of their problem?

Don't Think For Them

Giving advice or offering explanations and interpretations without being asked is insulting. It implies that you think your friend can't think for themselves.)

Don't Invite More Emotion Than You Can Handle

Even if it is clearly asked for, don't invite emotional release unless you can stay with your friend while they experience their feelings. (Don't say "maybe you need a good cry" unless you are willing to sit through the tears!)

Don't Get Lost In The Problem

Your friend will be telling you about some problem that has lots of emotion attached to it. Pay attention to the emotion, not the problem.

If they are sad, show that you care about how bad it feels. If they are angry, help them to talk it out (without either agreeing or disagreeing). If they are scared, comfort them physically (if that's appropriate) or with your words. If they are feeling guilty, ask them to think about whether they might be angry instead.

REMEMBER WHY THEY CAME TO YOU

If they had wanted a preacher, a therapist, or a parent they could have gone to one. They came to you because they wanted a friend!

BEING A FRIEND

Two things can help when we feel bad, love and therapy. Therapists offer therapy, friends offer love. A true friend is someone who plays with us, enjoys us, and is there for us.

A MAP OF THE PITFALLS

Some people always seem to be feeling bad. Think about each of your friendships, and ask yourself this question: "Do we usually just have fun, without talking about some problem?" If the answer is "no," your friend is not asking you to be a friend, they are asking you to be a counselor or an advisor of some sort. The potential "pitfalls" in such a relationship are too numerous to mention. Either back out of this friendship cautiously or insist that it change into something you can both count on to be enjoyable.

"You look bad today, do you want to talk?" "What's wrong with you lately? Is everything OK?" If you often say things like this to your friends, you aren't offering friendship, you are offering a "helping relationship" which evidently you need more than your friend! Prove your competence in some other way. Let your friends be.

AGITATION

"Agitation" is a special rhythmic kind of wriggling. We all do it sometimes. We might tap a pencil against our desks, or move our legs up and down repeatedly.

PERSISTENT agitation is a sign of extreme emotion and confusion. If the person you are trying to help agitates constantly ask them to stop it if they can so you can concentrate. If they keep agitating even after you've asked them to stop a few times, stop talking about the problem! (Invite them for a quiet walk or something.) This person has so much going on "down deep" that they can't even hear you well.

And if all of that emotion and confusion did come up, it would definitely be way too much for you to handle in a friendship.

WHEN YOUR HELP DOESN'T HELP

When your love and caring isn't enough, don't be afraid to say so.

Remember that you can't really help unless you want to, and you can't possibly want to if you are being overused or if you are running out of time or energy. Simply say: "I don't think I can help you anymore with this," If they ask you where they can turn now, tell them all you know about resources in your community. If they don't ask, tell them anyway if their level of pain is compelling.

Tell them about this neat self-therapy program you saw on the Internet! Tell them that your friend "Tony" would be happy to suggest a course of self-therapy for them if they'd just ask.

next: Peace on Earth

"But my child has never had a weight problem. She has many friends and is athletic why is she worried about her weight? Besides, my daughter certainly doesn't look ill and she has everything a young girl could possibly want or need. How is this possible? Maybe it is just a stage, her way of making a statement. What should I do?"

---- Kaye, parent of a 14-year-old girl with bulimia nervosa

We live in a society that teaches our children that they are not enough. They are constantly bombarded with messages that they aren't thin enough, pretty enough, muscular enough or handsome enough. The music videos, video games, movies, television shows, commercials and magazines that target young consumers advertise that to be a desirable female is to be very thin, beautiful and young and to be a desirable male is to be muscular and handsome. Is it any wonder so many of our children strive for perfection, often resulting in lowered self-esteem because they are trying to attain the unattainable? Desperate to achieve what society deems they should be, many young women and men, girls and boys, develop eating disorders.

Societal messages are not the sole cause of eating disorders. Research has found that disordered eating is often the result of a number of biological, social, psychological and environmental factors. (Schmidt, 2002). Once a diagnosis is made revealing that your son or daughter has an eating disorder, you may begin to question how this could have happened. It is normal to feel overwhelmed, angry, frightened, embarrassed and possibly guilty. It is important to understand that no one event or comment produces an eating disorder. Focus on support, not blame.

Talking about the Eating Disorder

Talking about your child's eating disorder may be extremely difficult for both you and your child; however, it is better to confront the issues and negative feelings. Don't be afraid to express anger, confusion or frustration and encourage your child to do so as well. You may find it tempting to try and convince your child that his or her weight is fine; you will likely be more successful if you discuss the eating disorder directly. Researchers have developed the "IMADÃ" approach to guide people in talking to their loved ones about their illness (Levine and Hill 1991). Focus on the inefficiency, misery, alienation and disturbance that the illness is causing in your child's life. Externalize the problem. For example do not let your child become one with the eating disorder, but present it as an entity outside of your child that is affecting the quality of his or her life. Do not make your child feel attacked or ashamed. Be very open and honest about the problem and talk about the impact and problems and complications of an eating disoder in a very straightforward manner.

Inefficiency is a term you can use to describe how the eating disorder prevents your child from accomplishing things. Discuss the consequences that result from either a restricted diet or purging behaviours. What are the effects of physical weakness, sadness, anxiety, low energy and poor concentration? What is the impact of time spent on the eating disorder? How do all of these factors interfere with relationships with friends and family, school life, social activities and other personal goals?

Misery sums up the emotional consequences of an eating disorder. Talk to your child about feeling anger, depression, anxiety, guilt or other negative emotions. Ask how often these emotions are linked to the eating disorder.

Alienation may occur due to the persistent obsession with eating, weight, exercise and body image. Social isolation and feelings that no one else could possibly understand may cause an overwhelming sense of loneliness. Help your child to think about ways he or she has been cut off from other family members, friends and even from him- or herself.

Disturbance is a term you can use to talk about the behaviors your child is exhibiting that are upsetting to either to herself or others. For example: eating secretly, hoarding food, taking laxatives, repeatedly weighing themselves, vomiting. Moodiness, irritability and impulsive behaviors such as: lying, being promiscuous or stealing may also be connected to an eating disorder.

Talking about Body Image and Health

Discussing healthy ways to think about shape, weight and eating is one of the most helpful things you can do in parenting your children. Raise thought-provoking topics in order to help everyone become aware of their own thoughts and behaviours and the role that society plays in promoting beauty myths about thinness. Also, very important is working together to change the language your family uses to describe body types and eating.

Talking with Your Family

Family involvement is imperative because of the important role the family environment plays in your child's recovery. Recovery is generally best facilitated when the family works together and not against one another.

Establish and maintain open communication and supportive relationships within the family. Research indicates that your relationship with your children influences the way they see themselves. Relationships which are supportive and affectionate let children know that they are loved and accepted. Children who feel loved and supported are likely to develop higher self-esteem which may consequently help them to feel good about themselves despite the messages they receive from the entertainment and fashion industries.

Remember that everyone in the family is affected by the eating disorder. Consider the needs of all family members.

Create clear and realistic expectations.

Always remember that you are setting an example for your children. Think about the messages you may be sending through your language, behavior and reactions to emotional situations.

Bibliography

Hall, Lindsey, & Ostroff, Monika Bulimia: A Guide to Recovery. Publishers Group West, 1999

Meadow, Rosalyn, & Weiss, Lillie Women's Conflicts about Eating and Sexuality: The Relationship Between Food and Sex. Haworth Press, 1993

Normandi, Carol, & Roark, Lauralee Over It: A Teen's Guide to Getting Beyond Obsessions with Food and Weight. New World Library, 2001

Pipher, Mary Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. Ballantine Books, 1995

Roth, Geneen When Food is Love: Exploring the Relationship Between Eating and Intimacy. Plume, 1992

Teachman, Bethany, Schwartz, Marlene, Gordic, Bonnie, & Coyle, Brenda Helping Your Child Overcome an Eating Disorder: What You Can Do at Home. New Harbinger, 2003

next: Peer Pressure and Eating: Helping Your Child Eat Right
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

Efalex - Natural Remedies for ADD / ADHD

This is a combination of a fish oil and evening primrose oil, which I am informed can be bought at most Boots Chemists and if effective, direct from manufacturers.
Shelley Johnston writes......

"Just a quick note to pass along, we have found effalex to be ineffective for Jeffrey and are currently looking for alternatives. I have tried Pycnogenol with out much success but I must say it helped my older son who suffers from adhd but in a much less severe fashion."

Joanne Hall writes......

"We live in Vancouver , Canada. Our 9 year old son is ADD. He has been taking ritalin for 18 months now with marked improvement in his academic peformance. About 3 months ago, we began giving him Efalex Focus. Since then we have noticed that he is more cooperative, less argumentative and less upset when things don't go his way. Since the ritalin is out of his system when we are with him in the evenings, and he doesn't take it on weekends we will continue giving him the efalex focus and hope that it continues! "

Gordon writes......

"Efalex works % 100 on our friends thirteen yr. old son ,contrary to some ill informed people.His parents gave him tablets without telling him why and in one weeks time he was a "new boy". Enough said"

Catherine writes......

"I've done a great deal of research on natural remedies. My son is a gifted kid with ADHD, 9 years old.

EFAs (Omega 3, fishoil, primrose oil) He did best on a Max DHA supplement, I switched him at some point to a Max EPA supplement, and he got in trouble every day that week in school. I think fishoils that have vitamin E or supplements like Efalex with only DHA are the best. When I first started him on EFAs, the next morning he got up and fixed his own breakfast. My sister's kid actually did his homework on the way home in the car (homework is something she had to really nag him to do). Overall, I'd have to say he matured a good 6-8 months once he started taking these."

In addition to the above information you should also be aware of the following...

Supplement firms to settle charges on ADHD claims
May 15, 2000
NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Two manufacturers of dietary supplement products touted as helping to manage or cure attention deficit disorder (ADD) or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) have agreed to settle Federal Trade Commission (FTC) charges that the claims they made for their products lacked adequate scientific substantiation, the FTC said.

The companies, Boston-based Efamol Nutraceuticals and Massena, Iowa-based J&R Research, would be prohibited by the proposed agreements from making certain claims about their products without adequate substantiation.

Efamol markets two supplements containing essential fatty acids, Efalex and Efalex Focus, which the company has promoted in a series of magazine advertisements.

One Efalex ad claims that studies "show that some children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder... have problems converting essential fatty acids into the long chain forms the body needs to maintain optimum eye and brain function."

"Only Efalex provides the precise combination of these important fatty acids--G.A., DHA and AA--to properly manage this deficiency," the ad states.

Another ad asserts that "nutritional research conducted at a major American university" has backed up the essential fatty acid deficiency theory for ADHD.

To promote its pycnogenol supplement for ADD/ADHD, J&R Research--a general partner in the Longmont, Colorado-based multi-level distributorship Kaire International--created advertising materials that it sold to Kaire distributors.

Pycnogenol "is becoming a very attractive first-line method of choice by many physicians, in preference to conventional drug administration" for children with attention disorders, the materials state. "Also, in most cases, traditional drug therapy can usually be discontinued--or significantly reduced--provided the patient continues to consume pycnogenol."

The FTC noted that the two new agreements represent the agency's third and fourth cases involving products marketed to treat ADHD. Companies advertising unsubstantiated treatments for the condition "prey on a vulnerable population of parents who seek a 'natural' alternative to prescription medications," such as Ritalin, according to a statement released by the agency.

"Our fear is that parents who fall for the claims may ignore proven, and perhaps essential, treatments for their child's disorder," FTC Bureau of Consumer Protection Director Jodie Bernstein explained. "That's why parents should exercise caution in giving supplements to their kids."

Along with barring the companies from making unsubstantiated claims, the proposed agreements include other provisions, such as a clause requiring the firms to make copies of advertising and consumer correspondence available to the FTC on request for a period of 5 years.

The commission has voted five to zero to accept the agreements for public comment. The Efamol and J&R Research proposals will be published in the Federal Register and open to comment until June 12 and July 12, respectively. After the comments period closes, the FTC will decide whether to make the agreements final.

The FTC has developed "Promotions for Kids' Dietary Supplements Leave Sour Taste," which offers pointers for parents. It is available on the Internet at http://www.ftc.gov/opa/2000/08/natorganics.shtm

The following article was published by Reuters in April regarding Fish Oils.

Whilst we have no knowledge of any problems with this product we feel that this concern needs to be highlighted so that people are aware that even Natural products can have implications.

April 08, 2002 Fish oils could be over EU safe limit By Nigel Hawkes, Health Editor

MANY fish oil products on the British market are likely to exceed new European Union safety limits for pollutants due to be imposed in July. A study by the Food Safety Authority of Ireland found that only one-third of the brands marketed there fell within the limits, which define levels of dioxins permitted in fish oils and fish oil capsules. One brand, Solgar Norwegian Cod Liver Oil, had levels of dioxins five times greater than the EU limits. Other brands were double or triple the limits. The best-performing was Eskimo-3 Stable Fish Oil Supplement, which was well within the limit and also contained low levels of PCBs, a related chemical. Many of the same brands are on sale in Britain. Food Safety Agency researchers found in 1997 that fish oil could make "a significant contribution to dietary exposures to dioxins". A new study to see if levels have fallen since then has been completed, but is not expected to be published until June. The Irish report concluded that nobody was likely to be harmed by consuming the fish oils according to the manufacturers' recommendations. Nor, since the EU limits have yet to come into force, are any in breach of regulations. Dioxins are a group of chemicals produced by the combustion of plastics and other chlorine-containing materials. They are toxic, and in sufficient doses, carcinogenic.

Note: Please remember, we do not endorse any treatments and strongly advise you to check with your doctor before using, stopping or changing any treatment.

next: E Numbers - Eliminating Additives from Your ADHD Child's Diet
~ adhd library articles
~ back to adders.org homepage
~ all add/adhd articles

"One of the things that makes happy people special is their unique answer to the classic question: Is the glass half full or half empty? Their answers are what set them apart from the rest of us. Happy people will say the glass is both half empty AND half full. Life is about coming to terms with both perceptions of the glass."
- Rick Foster, How We Choose To Be Happy

1) Responsibility
2) Deliberate Intent
3) Acceptance
4) Beliefs
5) Gratitude
6) This Moment
7) Honesty
8) Perspective

8) Expand Your Perspective

Is the world cruel or kind? Filled with pain or joy? Is it hostile or friendly? Brutal or gentle? Is it filled with misery or hope? Which is it?

It is all those things. This world contains all perspectives and evaluations. Expanding your perspective isn't about becoming blind to the cruelty, it's choosing a perspective that is mostly likely to help you create the life you want, one that encourages happiness and joy.

Neither optimism nor pessimism are the more correct or accurate view of life. Neither is more realistic than the other. Both are true. If you're one of the many pessimists I've talked to about this, understand, your perspective is no more realistic than optimism. Cold is no more true than hot. Dry isn't more realistic than wet. They both exist.

"The eye sees what it brings to seeing."

- Shelley

But you have a decision to make. Which are you going to focus on? Which are you going to pay the most attention? Which perspective are you going to see in it's totality? Which perspective are you going to make the most dominant?

I don't think it's such a wild claim to say an optimistic perspective is more encouraging of happiness than pessimism. What you look for, you will find. If you look for hatred in the world, you will find it. If you look for love in the world, you will find it.

You can see a perfect example of this is our news media. They've found that negative news gets better ratings than positive. The more dramatic and repugnant, the better. (If it bleeds, it leads.) So that's what they focus on and look for. If you watch the news on a regular basis you might start to think that this world is filled with nothing but hostile, angry, hateful, dishonest and cruel people. It's a warped perspective. Where are the stories about all the loving, happy, gentle, honest and sweet people out there? Obviously they're out there, but where are the stories?

If our goal is to be "realistic" then you would need to see all sides. I would highly recommend turning off the news for a week or two. Don't worry, if anything important happens, there's lots of people willing (and wanting) to keep you updated.

When you change your perspective, you change your experience of the world. It's all a matter of intention. Which perspective do you intend to focus on? We're not talking about some Pollyanna view where you deny all sadness and pain. Which are you going to LOOK FOR? Which are you going to emphasize?

The optimism perspective allows you to...

• Turn disadvantages into advantages.
• See the beauty in people.
• Experience more appreciation and love.
• Feel more hopeful.

Turning A Disadvantage Into An Advantage

Sometimes a little shift in perspective is all it takes to turn a disadvantage into an opportunity. When we feel closed in and helpless, it's not because of some permanent external state, but from a limited perspective. This world we live in can not exist without it's opposite. You can't have cold with out hot. You can't have restriction without opportunity.

Let me give you a concrete example of what I mean. A while back I started a new job across town. It was a long drive, about 45 minutes and I loathed it. It was boring, cost me time and gas money, and I had to do it every day, twice (to and from the job)! What possible advantage or opportunity was there in this situation? I really enjoyed the job but I couldn't think of how to enjoy the long drive or make it an opportunity.

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."

- Albert Einstein

Then one day it hit me. Hey! My car has a tape player. I love listening to personal growth tapes, and normally, I can't find the time to listen to them at home. Eureka! The time spent in the car became MY time, where I could relax, think, and improve my life. When I ran out of tapes, I bought new ones which I then looked forward to enjoying. My car became a rolling university. I began to look forward to my drive to and from work. It was one of the pluses of the day.

Do you think I would have created this opportunity if I wasn't looking for it? If I hadn't looked for and found this solution, it's very likely that I would have quit a job I enjoyed.

From what I've experienced with disadvantage and opportunity, it seems that it's not a matter of IF the opportunity or advantage is out there, but simply a matter of SEEING it. You can only see it if you expand your perspective. When you make a decision that you will find the good in this world, it expands your vision to see opportunities that were out of sight when you were looking at the hopelessness.

Let give you one more example of turning a disadvantage into an advantage when I had to deal with a difficult boss.

back to: Creating Relationships Homepage

"The beliefs we have can shape our entire lives and we may never know what they are. Find them. Then shape them so they work FOR you."

1) Responsibility
2) Deliberate Intent
3) Acceptance
4) Beliefs
5) Gratitude
6) This Moment
7) Honesty
8) Perspective

4) Understanding & Changing Your Beliefs

This is perhaps one of the most important pages on the Self Creation site. If you act on the information on this page, I guarantee your life will never be the same. A bold statement, but true.

Beliefs are any ideas you think are true about yourself, others, and life. Clarity about what you believe, who you are, what you want, and why you want it can be like a beacon on a clear night, guiding you to the fulfillment of your desires. Unfortunately, most of us aren't aware of our beliefs, many of which we acquired as children. You can live your whole life unaware of how you're beliefs are effecting your feelings, thoughts and actions.

Some beliefs are counter-productive to what you say you want. Wouldn't it be nice to identify those beliefs? Examine them for validity? There are so many self-defeating beliefs but here are just a few I've identified in myself and others. Do you believe any of the following?

Self Defeating Beliefs

• If I'm happy now, I won't be motivated to change anything.
• I can't change. This is just the way I am.
• My feelings are natural reactions, not something I can control.
• If I control my feelings, I'll be a robot.
• I have to have [love, sex, or money] in order to be happy.
• If I don't feel guilty, I'll continue to do "bad" things.
• You have to do some things you don't want to do in this life.
• No pain, no gain.
• If I was happy all the time, I'd be a blithering idiot.
• People who are optimistic aren't realistic.
• You can't have your cake and eat it too.
• If happiness was my priority, I'd be inconsiderate of others.
• It's a dog-eat-dog world out there.

Changing Your Beliefs

So far this site has mainly engaged you at the reading level. Changing the beliefs that are causing you pain is where the rubber really hits the road. If you are serious about wanting to turn your life around, you're going to have to go beyond simply reading. You will not experience change reading about ideas. Oh, I'm all for ideas. I love to read too. But real change doesn't happen until it's personal.

I don't know if you're like me, but I have read a lot of books, attended a lot of programs, listened to umpteen tapes and talked about personal growth a tremendous amount. But none of this really made any huge difference in how I felt, what I did, or helped me get what I wanted, at least not in the long term.

I'm telling you this because I've been where you are. If you're reading this, you're searching for answers. I didn't experience any concrete changes in my life until I was exposed to the Option Method.

Although the Option Method has been compared to many different types of psychotherapies, it is radically different than anything I've ever experienced. It's the only process I've found that not only helped me changed my mind, but where you could visibly see the differences in my life. And isn't that what we all want? I mean it's nice to feel inspired and get high off a new realization, but what I really wanted was to feel better about myself and life on a more consistent basis. I wanted to be able to pursue my desires without all the fears (and they were numerous.) I wanted to make more permanent changes where I didn't keep falling back into old habits that weren't working. The Option Method helped me do all that for myself.

The Option Method

The Option Method is a series of carefully designed questions, that when asked, help you identify, and change (if you wish) those beliefs that are causing you pain.

Although the process was designed as a Self-Help tool, it's my personal opinion that you can't really reap the full benefits of a dialogue by yourself until you've had a few dialogues with an Option Method Practitioner. When I first did the process on my own, I kept getting stuck. After I had had four or five dialogues with a Practitioner I was much better able to do the dialogues by myself.

It certainly doesn't hurt to read about the Option Method, but you won't experience the changes I talked about until you actually have an Option Method dialogue on your own. I make no money if you schedule a dialogue with a Practitioner, but I will have the satisfaction of knowing I helped you. Below are links where you can learn more about the method. The links will open a separate browser window so you'll easily be able to return to this site.

next: 8 Ways To Happiness: Gratitude

For ADHD teens, here are tips on bettering social skills, plus dealing with school, homework and time management problems.

Being a teenager is tough enough, but being a teenager with ADHD can cause many more difficulties. For teens, being one of the crowd and fitting in is very important. Feeling different can be painful. When you reach the teen years, you also want to start showing your independence and begin to solve your own problems. These tips can help you to begin to find solutions to many of the common difficulties teens with ADD/ADHD seem to experience.

These tips can help you to begin to find solutions to many of the common difficulties teens with ADD/ADHD seem to experience.

Social Skills Tips

1. Let your friends know you have ADHD. Although it might be embarrassing to tell them, it might be less embarrassing in the long run if you forget important details, are always running late or feel you need to explain or cover up for forgetfulness.
2. If you have a difficult time expressing your feelings or ideas, ask family members to help you practice. Try reading a passage from a book and take turns summarizing what you read as well as discussing what you think about it. This will help you practice your own skills as well as observe how others communicate.
3. Join clubs or after school activities. The more people you are around, the more practice you will have in talking with peers as well as adults.
4. Ask questions. When trying to talk with someone, ask questions to find out what they are interested in.
5. If you have a difficult time reading people's expressions and body language, ask for help with other members of your family. Although it sounds corny, role playing and acting out different situations and discussing them can help you be prepared when different situations come up.
6. Learn relaxation and deep breathing techniques to help relieve the anxiety that may be present in social situations. Use these techniques to keep yourself calm and take a moment to focus on what you want to say.
7. Ask people to repeat what they have said if you forget. It is better to ask them to repeat it than answer a question that is irrelevant to the conversation.
8. Ask questions during a conversation, the more interaction, the more you will stay interested and focused.
9. Respect other's space. Don't stand too close to them that they feel closed in and don't stand so far away they feel you are avoiding them.
10. Use frequent eye contact during conversations.

Homework Skills

1. Try to complete your homework in daylight hours. Some studies indicate it takes longer to complete the same task at nighttime.
2. Create flashcards for yourself when studying for a test. These allow you to break down information into small segments easily.
3. Use an assignment book. Don't rely on your memory to keep track of what you need to remember. You can also try using a pocket size tape recorder (you might need to get permission from the school to use this) and you can speak your assignments and what you need to remember. You can also use this at home to record what you need to remember to do in school the next day.
4. Create a space for yourself to complete your homework. Keep this area as clutter free as possible and have supplies, such as pencils, pens, and paper, readily available.
   Ask your family to respect your homework space and not take supplies or move items around so that you are not using homework time to reorganize yourself each day.
5. Use a cardboard box to keep all your loose papers in. Each day when you do your homework, empty your books, backpack, pockets, etc. of loose papers and add them to the box. When you need old papers for school, you will know exactly where to find them.
6. For long term projects, break down into small chunks and make a schedule for completing each item. Keep your schedule on the wall of your homework area (use a white board or bulletin board on the wall) so that each day you can see what needs to be completed toward your project.
7. Complete the hardest homework, or the subject you dislike the most first and get it out of the way. If you save this for last you could drag out the rest of your homework in order to delay it.
8. Keep a list of classmates and their phone numbers in your study area so that you can call if you have forgotten the assignment or have questions about what should be completed.
9. Take a short break every half hour to stretch and then get back to work. Be sure to limit your break time to 5 minutes and make sure you don't start watching TV during the break.
10. When studying for a test, read through the summaries of sections and chapters before reading the chapter itself. This will help you to focus on the main ideas of the chapter.

Time Management

1. Make a schedule of your day: what time you go to school, what time you arrive home, how long it takes you to complete your homework, household chores and work hours. From there you can determine how much free time you have and schedule your day so that everything can be completed.
2. Make a list of things you want to do. When you find yourself sitting and watching TV for hours or just doing nothing and being bored, use your list to change your time into productive time.
3. Set goals for what you want to accomplish. Make your goals specific. For example, "I want to make some money" is not a goal, "I want to make $50.00 to buy a new pair of shoes" is a goal. It is much easier to reach a goal when you have something specific in mind.
4. Divide your daily activities into categories and decide on the priority of each category.
   Completing homework is a priority, getting exercised is a priority. Hanging out at the mall is not. Set your activities based on their priority.
5. Set time limits for yourself. If you need to complete household chores, set a time limit and then work to complete them within the time limits.
6. Use a date book or a PDA to help you keep track of your responsibilities and plan your days based on what needs to be accomplished. Doing this will allow plenty of time to do what you want to do.
7. Keep as much routine as possible in your day. Knowing what you need to do and when you need to do it will help you to accomplish more.
8. Keep supplies for your chores or homework in one place. Having to reorganize yourself each day can waste much time. Keeping supplies in place will help you to accomplish the task quickly.
9. Don't procrastinate. Procrastination causes wasted time.
10. Take the time to complete a task correctly the first time. Having to redo your work over again can waste time.

School

1. If you have a study hall available to you during one class period or after school, use it and take advantage of a quiet time to study and complete homework. If you are in a classroom full of students completing work, you might go along and complete yours as well.
2. Take notes during class. This can help to keep you focused on the material being taught.
3. Use your assignment book to keep lists of things to do. Don't make lists on scraps of paper or you may end up losing them or forgetting about them. Get into the habit of completing a list of things to do each evening for what you want to accomplish the next day.
4. Talk to your teachers about your ADHD and how it affects your work. Ask for their assistance in areas you are experiencing problems. They will be more willing to help if they understand that you are trying to overcome rather than making excuses.
5. Sit in front of the classroom
   This will help you to focus on the lesson and will enable you to pay attention and will minimize distractions.
6. Be prepared. If you are constantly going to class unprepared, buy a box of pens and keep them in your locker. Buy several small pocket size notebooks. Each morning, if you find you don't have a pen and paper, use a small pocket size notebook, and take a pen from your locker.
7. If you end up each day at home without the books needed to complete your assignments, use different methods to remember which books to bring home. One student used different coloured strips of paper for each class and would keep one in each book. If he needed to bring that book home, he would take the paper out and put it in his pocket. At the end of the day, he only needed to check his pocket to see what books to bring home. Another student would write the class on his hand to remember. He wrote M for Math, E for English, etc. While at his locker, he had on his hand what books he had homework in.
8. Find a partner to help you. Find someone you trust and work well with to help you stay focused during the day. Have a secret signal they can give you if they see you have lost your focus.
9. Clean out your locker every Friday. Get into the habit of bringing home all loose papers in your locker each Friday. When you get home you can sort through to see what you need and organize the papers. Having a clean locker will help you to stay organized and be prepared.
10. Ask the school about bringing home an extra set of books. You will not need to carry your books back and forth and will never forget your books at home or school.

Part of this is from the books by Chris A. Zeigler Dendy: Teenagers with ADD and Teaching Teens with ADD and ADHD.

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 34

1. Follies a Deux
2. When can a Classic Narcissist Become an Inverted Narcissist?
3. The Forms of Abuse
4. The Psychopath and the Narcissist
5. The Diagnostic and Statistics Manual (DSM)
6. The Professional Victims
7. Amelioration of Narcissism
8. Inside, Outside
9. How does the Narcissist Perceive My Indifference to His Abuse?

1. Follies a Deux

The phenomenon you are describing is called "follies a deux" (madness in twosome). It consists of the co-creation of an imaginary universe in which certain values and beliefs of the co-creators (a couple, two friends, colleagues, political, or business leaders) are enhanced and magnified. This "magnification" and "support" (validation, empowerment, and "objective" "proof") is the result of the total conformity of both participants with an unwritten code of conduct which excludes critical thinking, contradiction, logic, and comparison. The parties are convinced of their superiority, victimhood, righteousness, and in ultimately prevailing over "others" "out there". They are certain of the authenticity and veracity of their beliefs and of the inevitability of the triumph of their values. In this warped sense, the follies-a-deux system is highly dependent on outside approval and highly vulnerable to criticism - this is why it was fostered in the first place: as a defence mechanism against an insensitive and cruel world...

2. When can a Classic Narcissist Become an Inverted Narcissist?

A classic narcissist can become an inverted narcissist in one (or more) of the following circumstances:

1. Immediately following a life crisis (divorce, devastating financial loss, death of a parent, or a child, imprisonment, loss of social status and, in general, any other narcissistic injury).

1. That the injured narcissist then meets another - classic - narcissist who restores a sense of meaning and superiority (uniqueness) to his life. The injured narcissist derives narcissistic supply vicariously, by proxy, through the "dominant" narcissist.

1. As part of an effort to secure a particularly desired source of Narcissistic Supply. The conversion from classic to inverted narcissism serves to foster an attachment (bonding) between the narcissist and his source. When the narcissist judges that the source is his and can be taken for granted, he reverts to his former, classically narcissistic self.

Such a "conversion" is always temporary. It does not last and the narcissist reverts to his "default" or dominant state.

3. The Forms of Abuse

To be raised as the centre of attention and as the "special one" is to be abused.

The burden of expectations, being taken for granted, the fear to disappoint, the feeling that one is merely an object (of adulation, in this case), an instrument to fulfil other people's dreams, an extension of one's parents - this is the highest, most subtly refined, stealthily pernicious form of abuse.

4. The Psychopath and the Narcissist

The psychopath (=the antisocial personality disorder) feels no remorse. The Narcissist feels blame and guilt but then he instantly shifts them to others (MAINLY and OFTEN to his victim).

Example:

A mentally ill, highly narcissistic mother would very often accuse her child. She would attribute to the child her own shortcomings - sadistic tendencies, severe paranoia, delusions and psychotic episodes and so on.

This is called "projection" and "projective identification". She then would proceed to BLAME the kid for her own faulty and destructive upbringing. She would say that the child was "born evil", was an "evil seed", or that he "provoked her". If she committed incest, she would say that he "seduced her".

This is called "alloplastic defences".

To summarize:

The narcissist is sometimes ego-dystonic (feels bad with himself and his actions). But he then immediately proceeds to shift the blame, guilt and unease to the OUTSIDE. The psychopath does the same - but he almost never feels guilty or responsible to start with. It is a question of frequency. Both types RATIONALIZE and INTELLECTUALIZE. they construct complex mental structure with impeccable inner logic to explain and justify their behaviour. Yet, the edifice often stands on a shaky foundation.

5. The Diagnostic and Statistics Manual (DSM)

The DSM IV has its (serious) drawbacks and handicaps, of course. The differential diagnoses are often fuzzy and unhelpful. Some diagnostic criteria are controversial. The Schizotypal PD is considered culture-dependent and the Antisocial PD too narrowly defined. Many disorders overlap and this creates an "epidemic" of co-morbidity. Some behaviours often co-occur with some disorders and lead to patterns of dual diagnosis which can and should be questioned - and so on.

Yet, in the absence of anything better - the DSM is indispensable in concentrating the practitioner's mind and in providing him or her with essential cues. It is like a laundry list or a checklist. Its importance should not be exaggerated ("the bible of the psychiatric profession") - but its practicality cannot be over-estimated.

The DSM was invented to cater to the needs of medical insurers. This is cause for much derogation. Yet, it should not be. Money, insurance, medical facilities and medication are all part of the healing machinery. They should be respected.

6. The Professional Victims

Some people adopt the role of a professional victim. In doing so, they become self-centred, devoid of empathy, abusive, and exploitative. In other words, they become narcissists. The role of "professional victims" - ones whose existence and very identity is defined solely and entirely by their victimhood - is well researched in victimology. It doesn't make for a nice reading. These victim "pros" are often more cruel, vengeful, vitriolic, discompassionate and violent than their abusers. They make a career of it. They identify with this role to the exclusion of all else. It is a danger to be avoided. And this is precisely what I called "Narcissism by Proxy".

I said that narcissism is contagious and that many victims tend to become narcissists themselves: malevolent, vicious, lacking empathy, egotistical, exploitative, violent and abusive.

These affected entertain the (false) belief they can compartmentalize their narcissistic behaviour and direct it only at the narcissist. In other words, they trust in their ability to segregate their behaviour patterns: verbally abusive towards the narcissist - civil with others, act with malice where the narcissist is concerned - and with Christian charity towards all others.

They cling to the "faucet theory".

They believe that they can turn on and off their negative feelings, their abusive outbursts, their vindictiveness and vengefulness, their blind rage, their non-discriminating judgement.

This, of course, is untrue.

These behaviours spill over, into daily transactions with innocent others.

One cannot be partly or temporarily vindictive and judgmental any more than one can be partly or temporarily pregnant. To their horror, these victims discover that they have been transmuted and transformed into their worst nightmare: into a narcissist.

7. Amelioration of Narcissism

As the narcissist ages, and only in RARE CASES, his behaviour changes. The nature of his interaction with others changes. He adapts. Certain side effects or co-morbid mental health disorders (such as depression, obsession-compulsion) vanish or are ameliorated. He becomes subdued and schizoid (see FAQ 67). This is what FAQ 12 talks about: the narcissist and others. FAQ 62 deals with the inner reality of the narcissist which, alas, is immutable. The narcissist is a fossilized child or early adolescent. He is trapped in the amber of his own defence mechanisms against progressively more imaginary hurts. He is delusional and paranoid with strong sadistic impulses to control, to subsume, to revenge. This inner landscape is never-changing but, as some narcissists age - it is less and less exposed to the outside world.

NPD has been known (rarely) to have been cured through therapy (or, lately, through a combination of talk therapy and medication). As the narcissist gets in touch with his emotions and re-commences the hitherto stunted processes of growth - he experiences depression, fears and a depletion of energy. But this phase - if healing is successful - is transient and succeeded by maturation and learning to trust.

Narcissists do not trust anything and anyone. As long as the Narcissistic Supply continues to flow, they are with the supplier. When it ceases, they move on.

The relationship between the narcissist and his supply sources resembles the relationship between the drug addict and his pusher.

8. Inside, Outside

Language is the mirror of the soul. Most people use different linguistic styles either to:

1. conform to a social role they assume or enhance it or
2. to accurately reflect an inner emotional state.

This distinction - between inside and outside - is lost on the narcissist.

The roles he acts ARE his inner states. He has only an outer shell with a void for a self. Hence the very frequent fluctuations in behaviour (including tone of voice and choice of vocabulary). The narcissist's behaviour and reactions are dictated by cues from the outside. These cues are numerous, inconsistent, rapid. The narcissist, as a result, is unpredictable, contradictory and startling. He is a reflection and nothing but a reflection.

9. How does the Narcissist Perceive My Indifference to His Abuse?

He perceives this as aggression combined with stupidity. To him, you are not sufficiently intelligent to grasp his complex and cosmically important world. You are unaware of your transgressions and you are abstruse because you refuse to accept the narcissist's verdict regarding your behaviour and to learn from his penetrating insights and comprehension. When he idealizes you and you remain unmoved - you are frustrating and ingrate. When he devalues you and you ignore him - you are obstinate and deserving of even worse punishment. In short: you are infuriating because you won't be controlled.

next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 35

I don't really have a reason to feel depressed today...but I do. The feeling just sort of came over me this morning.

What to do about it?

First, I accept it and try to remember that eventually it will pass.

Second, I dig underneath the emotion and look at possible causes:

Feeling overwhelmed at work
Anxiety about pending project deadlines
Ache in hands and fingers from yard work
Ache in teeth from recent crown work
Tiredness from entertaining guests last night
Wishing I could stay home from work
Anxiety over possible investment losses
Restlessness and boredom from lack of personal goals
Children-related stresses and issues
Worn down from lack of exercise

It all just sort of starts piling up after a while. So, I focus on:
Relaxing.
Living in the moment.
Being patient.
Doing what I can today.
Letting go.
Breathing deeply.
Asking for help.
Feeling my feelings.
Going for a long walk.
Doing some invigorating exercise.

Recovery is learning to respond to my feelings in positive, constructive ways - rather than reacting, seeking to lay blame, taking guilt trips, or even just outright whining and complaining.

Searching within myself for the root causes of my feelings works best. Exploring my feelings, acknowledging them, expressing them in a journal or speaking them aloud—these actions work.

I feel better already.

Thank You, God, for teaching me how to respond to my feelings instead of reacting to them. Amen.

next: The Best of Life

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 33

1. Mirror Gazing
2. More on the Grandiosity Gap
3. Self-Awareness and Healing
4. Narcissistic Vulnerability
5. Narcissists, Domestic Violence and Abuse

1. Mirror Gazing

Mirror gazing in itself is, of course, not a narcissistic trait. We all do it. What sets narcissism apart is HOW LONG and HOW OFTEN they do it - and, more importantly, what is the internal dialogue that accompanies the act.

The somatic narcissist derives his emotional and ego sustenance from the reactions of others to his body, his figure, his fitness, his physical achievements, his sexual prowess, and his romantic conquests.

When the self-esteem and regulation of sense of self-worth of such a person are DEPENDENT upon such feedback from the outside - we have the makings of a narcissist. To the somatic narcissist, mirror gazing fulfils a few functions. It confirms the narcissist's (false and grandiose) self image. It allows the narcissist to preserve his bodily perfection. It serves as a "surrogate" or substitute observer - in lieu of real people. These are important functions without which the narcissist's precariously balanced personality will crumble. Hence, the frequent mirror gazing and the texts that the Narcissist recites while doing it: "I AM perfect, shapely, attractive, irresistible, great, conquering, muscular, etc."

2. More on the Grandiosity Gap

We all experience a gap between what we believe we ought to be or to have - and what we are or possess. Hope springs eternal precisely because of this healthy difference. Spinoza said that God cannot want or wish for anything - because he has it all. We, humans, don't - and can. I am not sure who got the raw deal. Imagine a world with nothing to look forward to, no aspirations, no achievements, no accumulation, no setbacks and, as a result, no sweet victories.

This is what the narcissist's world is like.

To the narcissist (God-like in his mind) this gap between the real and the desired induces SUFFERING and PAIN. Unable to pose realistic, realizable goals to himself, unwilling to recognize his limitations, always exaggerating and inflating his abilities, skills and possessions - the narcissist lives in a vacuum. It is an abyss of unrealized potentials and crushed dreams. There is no continuum of reasonable, detailed, realistic, gradual wishes and plans between where he is at the moment - and where he wishes to be (or believes himself to be) in future.

It is a common mistake to think that the Narcissist's problem is his grandiosity. It is not. It is his lack of capacity to translate his fantasies into reality. His inability to design the programmatic bridge from here to there. His is a virtual reality where the only tangible element is frustration and the only force is the Sisyphean agony of striving without ever getting there. It is the "Promised Land" syndrome.

3. Self-Awareness and Healing

Ken: According to Masterson, all the personality disorders are due to a disordered, fragmented self that forms a triad. Self activation leads to abandonment depression leads to defence. The various expressions of this triad depend on the type of defence: narcissistic, borderline, schizoid.
Therapy consists of working through the abandonment depression and thus lessening the need for defence. The patient must first get "worse" before he can get "better."
Is this not what you went through? In prison or later? On your own perhaps? You say in your book that the narcissist's only moments of possible improvement are when he is at the bottom of his game. I find it hard to believe that "Malignant Self Love" did not require some real self activation on your part. Having witnessed the power of the narcissistic defences, I am in awe of your achievement.
Any comments?

Sam: This is all true. Yet it ignores the dynamics of a pathology. If not sustained by a holding environment, cognitive-behavioural insights coupled with correlated emotional maturation in a controlled setting - a remission invariably occurs.
Narcissistic defences are resilient. Cognitive insights alone are insufficient, nor do they constitute healing or lead to it.
I derive narcissistic supply from my pathology, its commercialization, helping others, the guru status, etc. In a way, my knowledge and self-awareness ENHANCE my narcissism because they are easily convertible to narcissistic supply.

Ken: Could it be that, while you continue to draw from narcissistic supply, the pursuits behind "Malignant Self Love" were/are activation of a true self? Activation of a false self would have been a fluctuation between "There's nothing wrong with me" and "I'm worthless, non-deserving, inadequate." The false self is false because it does not represent/reflect reality. But you did/do face reality. Head-on. Is that not real self activation? Cure, no. Self activation, I should think so.
I understand (and do not argue with) your position/choice that cultivating your Narcissistic Supply Sources to keep dysphoria at bay might be wiser/more realistic (for you) than embarking on the long, uncertain road of trying to diminish your need for that defence. But is not that choice in itself self activation? It certainly is a not based on any illusion. On the contrary, it is based on reality.

Sam: Yes, I agree. It appears in my writings. The Narcissist gets in touch with his dilapidated True Self only during a life crisis.
But there is no choice or position. To assume so is a false premise.

Ken: Not by choice. I understand. But you are aware of that. You are not in denial. And denial is a narcissist's ticket to grandiosity. 

Perhaps this is your contribution to treatment. That is, not to set an impossible goal of core (intra-psychic) restructuring. But strive for awareness of and acceptance of your pathology (a huge challenge) and thereby learn to live with the pathology in greater harmony, even use it productively. In other words, know thyself. That act alone is self activation. And to demonstrate one's ability to self activate should be of some benefit.
Perhaps this is the message that therapists should take away from your work and your example.

Sam: Denial is a defence mechanism. This means that it has a cognitive component and an emotional one.
The opposite of denial is NOT knowledge or awareness. Knowledge or awareness constitute ONLY a cognitive component.
The opposite of all defence mechanisms is emotional integration through insight.
To say that a narcissist who deploys his pathology to benefit and help others is better than a narcissist who doesn't (or deploys it to negative effect) is a VALUE judgement.
This sentence is true ONLY in a given social-cultural context (specific morality, ethics, etc.)
BUT
It has nothing to do with narcissism.
A narcissist who deploys his pathology is a narcissist who deploys his pathology - regardless of its eventual utilitarian, social, or moral outcomes.

Ken: Let me start over. The defence that we call narcissism is the illusion of being perfect and/or of being capable of attaining perfection. It is false. It does not reflect reality. It is an illusion. Challenge a narcissist with the reality of an imperfection and he will do one of two things: a) Activate the grandiose unit of his false self, or b) Activate the harsh, attacking unit of his false self.
At some point life presented you with the reality of an imperfection. I do not know how you reacted: big-time denial? ("How dare you even entertain such thoughts about me? You have no appreciation for what I am. Etc.") Rage? Eventually you did accept the imperfection as reality. At least for that moment, I would think that you activated the true self in you. By definition a true self, because it reflected reality. There was no attempt to distort that reality.
There are two kinds of alcoholics: those who are but deny it and those who are and admit it. I am not passing judgement on anything. I am just saying that false selves don't see anything as it really is. It takes a true self to do that. False selves distort and hide. True selves accept and cope. I am not saying that admitting an addiction fixes it or lessens one's dependence on that addiction. I am merely suggesting that it was your admission that allowed you to go on your journey of research and discovery, and that a false self could not have done that.

Sam: Yes, I agree absolutely.
But then the False Self took over this new gained knowledge and now exploits it within a grandiose fantasy.

4. Narcissistic Vulnerability

The Narcissist is vulnerable because:

1. He is an alien. Lacking empathy, he does not know what it means to be human. He misinterprets human behaviour. He misattributes motives. He over-reacts, he under-reacts. He reads cues wrongly. He is emotionally illiterate. His personality is so primitive that he often develops "superstitions" - where others have a cognitive science gleaned from cumulative interactions with others.
2. Paranoids are very susceptible to persecutory delusions. To be untrusting - also means not to trust when it is called for. To be wary and on guard - also means to be confined and imprisoned in one's mind. Every rumour is a threat, every gossip a reality, every hint - an inevitability.
3. The narcissist suffers from cognitive distortions. He does not grasp reality because he lives in a grandiose fantasy and he IS his FALSE Self. In dreamworld - EVERYTHING is possible and nothing is IMPOSSIBLE. This make it very easy to "sell" the narcissist on anything. In a strange way, the narcissist is naive.
4. The Narcissist is a drug addict. Drug addicts are easy to manipulate: they will do anything for the next dose. Give them Narcissistic Supply - and they are yours to do with as you wish.

There are gradations and shades of narcissism. There is reactive narcissism, temporary narcissism (Gunderson-Roningstam, 1996), narcissistic personality, narcissistic traits, narcissistic overlay (i.e., together with another, dominant PD), co-morbidity, and full blown NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).

The differences are explored elsewhere in this web site, in my FAQs and in my Excerpts pages.

BUT - my advice to you is to stay away from ALL variations and shades of narcissism. There are three reasons:

1. Often, there are transitions between the narcissistic modes (for instance, from narcissistic personality to NPD). This has to do with life circumstances (example: narcissistic injury). Regressions and remissions are VERY common (Hare, Millon).

1. Narcissists are very adept at disguising their REAL condition, even from trained observers.

1. Even "low level" narcissistic behaviours can inflict huge emotional damage if properly targeted, advertently or not. 

5. Narcissists, Domestic Violence and Abuse

The narcissists defends himself against abuse by becoming the abuser. Early childhood abuse is fended off by resorting to grandiose fantasies of omnipotence, omniscience, brilliance, unmitigated success, and eternal love.

The narcissists feels unique, unprecedented, indescribably special. His actions are of cosmic significance. As a result, he feels entitled to special treatment, even if such treatment is incommensurate with his talents, skills, or actual achievements.

The narcissist is incapable of loving, or even empathizing with other people. To him, they are instruments in the compulsive pursuit of gratification, adulation, attention and affirmation ("narcissistic supply").

He does not fathom the human experience because his emotions are thoroughly repressed and he is obsessed with obtaining his "drug" (the aforementioned supply).

The narcissist has conflicting needs. On the one hand, he derives his sense of self-worth and the regulation of his self-esteem from others. On the other hand, he needs to feel superior and contemptuous towards the very sources of his sustenance. Hence his erratic unpredictability, callousness, cruelty, and dangerous capriciousness.

The narcissist inflicts pain and suffering on his nearest and dearest: spouse, children, colleagues, employer, friends. While he rarely exercises physically violent, he is a master of mental torture and psychological nightmares.

I have written extensively about narcissistic behaviour, its roots, dynamics and sad outcomes. The issues of bullying, domestic abuse, violence and narcissism are inseparable.

On the formation of the narcissistic defence and the psychodynamics of narcissism: here

Start by reading about the Inverted Narcissist here: The Inverted Narcissist - FAQ 66

These Frequently Asked Questions deal with the damage narcissists inflict on their milieu:

For more information see the complete index of this website.

For a complete index of all 82 FAQs.

My poetry: Poetry of Healing and Abuse - My Poems

Finally, I must refer you to what I regard to be the best web site on bullying and mental health disorders which lead to bullying: The Serial Bully

next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 34