Addiction and Violent Behaviors

Violence is any physical contact which is not performed in a loving, nurturing, or respectful way. Young children may need some physical contact on occasion to set safe boundaries for them. An example would be spanking a child to prevent them from repeatedly going out into a busy street.

The difference between violence and boundary setting is clear. Is the child being spanked out of love and concern for their well being? Or are they being spanked as a way for the addict parent to vent (expel) angry, scared, or frustrated feelings? If it is the latter, the contact is violence. In this way, the child is being used as a drug as a way to help the addict feel better.

Violence includes "deprivation of basic needs" such as refusing the child access to:

• Medical attention
• Food
• Clean water
• Shelter
• Clean air
• A breath of air
• Heat
• A sense of safety (forcing the child into potentially life-threatening conditions)
• The right to flee as needed (restraining a child in lock-up areas, binding a child, trapping a child, etc)
• The right to expel body wastes (urine, feces, vomit, etc)
• The right to sanitation
• The right to expel tears, vomit, fear, anger, etc (the right to cry, the right to vomit, etc)

Shaming, humiliating, terrorizing, or injuring a child in connection with the access to basic needs is a type of deprivation. The child is being trained to practice self-deprivation as a way to avoid the shaming, humiliation, terrorization, and/ or injury.

Violence also includes being forced to witness or observe trauma, ritual, pornography, punishment, death, destruction, dismemberment, suffocation, crippling. And, all of human origin, without a support system to grieve or psychologically process the event. This includes the destruction or disposition of pets, farm animals, personal property, toys, clothing, bicycles, etc.

Rage

Rage is anger and frustration out of control. Rage might include throwing things, slamming doors, breaking things, all within the child's view. Considering the sheer size of an adult as compared to a child, a child viewing an adult who is raging out of control will be terrorized by the experience. The goals of an addicted parent raging are to expel feelings in order to "feel better" and at the same time, scare their objects of addiction into compliance. Remember compliance is one of the addict's expectations for their objects of addiction, which in this case is the child.

Coercion

Coercion is the threat of violence. Sam's addict parent, in an attempt to control, might say coercive things like:

(said from an angry victim stance)

• "If you ever do that again, I'll beat you to a pulp."
• "I'll beat you till you can't walk straight."
• "Stop that crying or I'll give you something to cry about."
• "Just wait till your dad gets home, he is going to really be angry."
• "Would you like a spanking (beating)?, Get over here right now."
• "Get in here right now or you'll get a spanking (beating)."
• "Sometimes I wish you were dead. I hate you. I wished I'd never had kids. I wished I'd never had you."

The use of threat or destructive bargaining is also a part of coercion.

A terrorist uses coercion to control situations with some intended goal in mind. And just like the terrorist, the addict parent destructively controls with an intended goal in mind. The goal is to "feel better." Addicts who have a dependency relationship with their children control their fears by controlling their children. Children of addict parents who are controlled by the addict's use of coercion, grow up terrorized and not feeling safe. The emotional effects of coercion are more damaging to a child than to a child who has been beaten. A child growing up in coercion will always be wishing for something (bad) to happen in order for them to relieve their anxiety of waiting for something (bad) to happen.

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"Intimidation" is a form of coercion. This destructive control behavior is designed to produce fear (terror) through intimidation in order to maintain control. Considering the size, strength, experience, and knowledge of an adult as compared to a child, intimidation is easy for an addicted parent to achieve. Lack of knowledge, strength, size, and experience on the part of the child ends up being a destructive control opportunity for the addict parent to make use of. They'll use the opportunity to intimidate in a destructive way by leading the child into feeling that they are somehow inadequate. This is accomplished by projecting a sense of multiple inadequacies onto the child i.e. lack of knowledge, strength, size, and experience. The child's resulting fears of inadequacy are then used by the addict parent to control the child. The following statements are examples of phases used by the addict parent in order to intimidate and produce fear.

(said from an angry victim stance)

• "You should have known better!"
• "I don't care if you're tired!"
• "I don't care if you're too little!"
• "I don't care if you can't!"
• "Hurry-up pokie (slowpoke)!"
• "Get going right now!"
• "I don't care if you think you can't do that!"
• "You're just stupid, that's your problem!"
• "Your problem is that you're too stupid to remember!"

Doomsayer

"The worst is going to happen if . . . . ." This type of destructive control behavior is used by the addict parent in order to shame, scare, or terrorize the child into compliance. The addicted parent will predict some catastrophe and then use it to control the child. The addicted parent might say something like, "If you do this, then ________ will happen. And it will really be terrible; something really bad will happen to you."

I remember spilling sugar when I was little. My mother turned to me full of terror and fury and said, "Now ants are going to come into the house!" The idea was to instill shame, terror, or fear into me in order to force (control) me into not making the same mistake twice. Doomsaying is also a form of coercion. That is to say controlling by use of fear, terror, and shame.

Unfortunately, the thought had not occurred to her that cleaning up the sugar would change that "catastrophic" outcome. Her perceptions and reactions to this "catastrophic" outcome were based on information that she received as a child. And left unexamined, she continues to react or overreact in response to these same kinds of events as an adult doomsayer, and with no forethought as to the possible changes that have occurred over time or alternate coping strategies for the situation.

Playing the Victim

Playing the Victim is an extremely effective technique used to control someone (especially children). The addict parent controls the child's behavior by becoming the so-called wounded victim. The child might say or do something that the addict parent becomes uncomfortable with. In reaction to the child's behavior, the addict parent responds by saying something like this:

(said from an angry victim stance)

• "How could you do that to your mother?"
• "Mommy thinks you don't love her anymore."
• "You don't care about me at all, do you."
• "You're hurting mommy. You're driving her crazy and no one will be able to take care of you then!"

This destructive control behavior uses false guilt to control the child. When the addict parent plays the victim, the child looks inward and thinks: "How could I do that to my parent . . . . . She (or He) looks so hurt and sounds so angry or depressed . . . . She's (or He's) talking and looking at me; therefore I must have caused her (or his) pain . . . . I'd better be good so I don't hurt her (or him) anymore. . . . . she's (or he's) the only one I have to take care of me and the alternative of taking care of myself scares me to death because that's impossible for myself as a child to do. I could die. I'm sure I'd die."

The goal of an addict who is addicted to their child is to "feel better" by controlling the child. As stated before, control is equated to compliance and compliance is equated to no frustration. No frustration or conflict is equated to security and security equates to a happy addict. Unfortunately, Children of addict parents grow up full of false guilt or shame as a result of being trained by the addict parent's use of playing the victim. They (the children) automatically feel guilty, terrified, and anxious when they come in contact with anyone playing the victim.

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Shaming and Abusive Language

Shaming and Abusive Language are destructive control behaviors that use shaming remarks, names, and labels to control the child. Shaming is not the same as false guilt. Shaming is judging with the intent to humiliate and discount the child's sense of self-worth.

An addicted parent may see or hear something that the child has done or said and begin to "feel bad." In response to their own feelings of bad-ness or shame, they'll try to project these internal feelings externally onto the child. The addicted parent will do this by saying things in a victim-like way such as,

(said from an angry victim stance)

• "Why did you do that?."
• "What a stupid thing to do."
• "Why are you so stupid?"
• "I thought I raised you better than that."
• "You ought to know better."
• "You should of known better."
• "You're embarrassing me and pissing me off."
• "Stop that right now; everyone is looking; you're being naughty (or a bad) girl/ boy."

Shame is designed to lead the child into believing that they are somehow inadequate, strange, or not good enough. The addict "feels better" by expelling their internal feelings of shame or bad-ness and projecting that shame or bad-ness onto the child. In this way, the child has been used as a drug in order for the addict to feel better or avoid "feeling bad."

Neglect and Abandonment

Neglect and Abandonment is present in any relationship where one or more of the individuals in the relationship is an addict. Abandonment refers to physically or "emotionally" leaving the child in favor of the addiction. Neglect refers to the lack of either "emotional" or physical maintenance that a child requires in order to grow and develop. The absence of food, clothing, shelter, and medical care are examples of physical neglect or abandonment. The absence of nurturing, compassion, hugging, holding, listening, and other kinds of "emotional" support, are examples of "emotional" neglect or abandonment.

It is hard to see "emotional" neglect or abandonment. The addict may appear to be home all the time and apparently taking care of the child's needs. However, "emotional" neglect or abandonment can't be seen without spending time observing the addict and child in the relationship. Addicts "emotionally" abandon or neglect everything in favor of satisfying their addiction (this includes addictions to work, exercise, food, sex, gambling, religion, etc). Children who have addict parents are forced to forfeit their relationship with their addict parent in favor of the addiction. The addiction is stronger than the child. Even though the child is an object of addiction, the addiction takes precedence. By that I mean, from an outside view (a view from outside the family) it will appear that the child is receiving attention, when in fact, it is the addiction itself (the child as an object of addiction) which is receiving the attention and not the child as a sentient being.

Talking in "lecture form" is a type of "emotional" neglect or abandonment. Lecturing a child is talking to a child or at a child without asking them for their opinion or listening to them in return. It's a one-sided conversation where the addict uses the child in order to expel internal feelings or thoughts. The child's identity or "emotional self" is not acknowledged or affirmed in a conversation that uses lecture form.

Excessively talking, interrupting, and competing for conversation are also types of "emotional" neglect or abandonment. A child never really gets heard in these kinds of interaction because the addict parent is thinking about what to say next instead of listening. They are preoccupied with (addicted to) controlling the conversation instead of listening to what's being said by the child.

"Silence" is another way to "emotionally" neglect or abandon a child. By not sharing anything intimate or vulnerable with the child, or not sharing information that the child needs to grow and develop, the child is " emotionally" and "intellectually" neglected and abandoned. The child is left alone without "emotional" or "intellectual" information to grow and develop. Silence is another way of destructively controlling. That is to say, information is power and holding onto information empowers the addict by not having to feel vulnerable. The child will never know a sense of comfort by knowing that the addict has also felt vulnerable at times or has felt vulnerable as a child.

Emotional or physical neglect and abandonment are used as control techniques by the addict parent. If an object of addiction becomes too difficult for the addict to use i.e. control, the object will be discarded. In a similar way, if the child of an addict parent becomes too difficult to use, i.e. control or to make compliant, he or she will be discarded. Children of addict parents learn that in order to stay accepted in their family they must remain easy to use, and be without boundary (do nothing to frustrate the addict). Children of addict parents learn how to become easy to use by becoming invisible; which means to become compliant and without needs, or suffer the consequences of being apparent, real, noticeable, with boundaries, and having needs.

Talking to keep distance (or avoiding intimacy).

I notice that my father talks compulsively as a way to distance himself from the listener. I have noticed myself doing the same thing. By reacting to what's being said instead of listening to what's being said, I end up thinking of what to say next and never hear what's being said. Children growing up in addiction may experience this type of "emotional" abandonment as "taking to keep a distance." A conversation is occurring but no one is being heard. The addict controls intimacy (emotional closeness), or the lack of it, by talking and reacting to what is being said as a way to distance themselves from the listener.

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Addicts also distance themselves from the listener by using the word "You" in place of the word "I." Addicts express their opinions, feelings, beliefs, or experiences by using the word "You " in place of the word "I." This creates confusion in the conversation and places distance between themselves and the listener. A child growing up with an addicted parent who uses this kind of conversation style experiences the interaction as being confusing, attacking, and lonely (emotionally abandoned and neglected).

When expressing themselves with this kind of "You" vs. "I" distancing behavior they project responsibility for their feelings onto the listener and at the same time create distance between themselves and the listener. The following is an example list of "You" statements versus "I" statements.

• You: "You know when you feel mad how you . . . . . . . ."
• I: "I know when I feel mad how I . . . . . . . ."

• You: "You'd think you'd be able to figure it out or at least . . . . . . ."
• I: "I'd have thought I'd have been able to figure it out or at least . ."

• You: "Yesterday I got caught in traffic and you know how you get ."
• I: "Yesterday I got caught in traffic and I know when I get . . ."

• You: "You know everybody, you'd think would have . . . ."
• I: "I would have thought everyone would have . . . ."

"Gathering armies" is another way addict parents create distance and at the same time create artificial power. As a way to distance themselves, inflate themselves, and artificially gather support for an opinion or feeling they are having, they use phrases and words which lead the listener to believe that more than one (more than the addict alone) is in support of an opinion or feeling they are expressing. Examples:

All of these statements create artificial power and replace the addict's responsibility for their opinions or feelings alone, with the combined responsibility of other people. It's rare that a non-recovering addict would take responsibility for an opinion or feeling alone, especially if that opinion or feeling has the potential to create conflict. The avoidance of taking responsibility alone is also referred to as blaming. By artificially inflating themselves, they believe that they are actively reducing their risk of conflict. Conflicts create feeling; which create intimacy. Feelings and intimacy "go hand in hand" and addict parents are unable to cope with strong feelings or intimacy. As stated before, they lack the coping skills and the knowledge to do so.

Disapproval, dirty looks, and sarcasm (as discounting)

Disapproval, dirty looks, and sarcasm are all types of destructive control behaviors that the addict parent uses to keep their objects of addiction easy to use. All of these destructive control behaviors are abusive. All of these behaviors are used as a way to "discount" i.e. to belittle, minimize, ignore, or emotionally abandon the child. Discounting may be subtle or dramatic. As an example say that the child shares something painful (emotionally or physically) about him or herself with the addict parent. Do to the addict's dependency nature in the relationship, he or she will, in turn, begin to "feel bad" about what they are hearing from the child. Since addict parents are without coping skills for feeling bad, they react or lash out in order to avoid hearing anything that they feel might cause them to "feel bad." As a way to destructively disconnect from the pain they are experiencing (feeling bad), they will try to control the information they are hearing by discounting it. "It" being the child's pain which in effect discounts the child's sense of worthiness to have pain.

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More specifically, sarcasm is hidden anger or resentment "coming out sideways." Coming out "sideways" means to be hidden, unclear in origin, or unclear in intent. The child hears words that the addict parent is saying but experiences a message other than the words were intended to communicate. The following examples compare a sarcastic statement (sarcasm) and its mixed message, with a clear statement (non-sarcastic) and its non-mixed message. From addict-parent to object-child:

Clear: "Thank-you."

Message received by the child: "I sincerely appreciate what you've done for me."

 

Sarcasm: "Thank-you . . . ."

Message received by the child: "What a jerk you are. You've just victimized me."

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Clear: "You're welcome."

Message received by the child: "Thanks for acknowledging my action."

 

Sarcasm: "You're welcome . . . ."

Message received by the child: "What a jerk you are. You've just victimized me."

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Clear: "Yea I really like that."

Message received by the child: "I really enjoy that"

 

Sarcasm: "Yea I really like that . . . ."

Message received by the child: "What a jerk you are. You've just victimized me. How stupid can you be?"

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Clear: "Sure."

Message received by the child: "Yes."

 

Sarcasm: "Sure . . . ."

Message received by the child: "No or I hate it. What a jerk you are. You've just victimized me. Don't you have any brains?"

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Clear: "Thanks for sharing."

Message received by the child: "Thank-you for your information. I've appreciated what you've done. I've enjoyed getting to know you.

 

Sarcasm: "Thanks for sharing . . . ."

Message received by the child: "I do not appreciate what you've said or done. What a jerk you are. You've just victimized me."

Sarcasm is an attack of hidden nature. The addict parent's inference is that the child has victimized them in some way. The "some way" is hidden and not revealed. The child is left injured and without cause or explanation. They only know that they feel bad for some unknown reason.

Dirty looks are facial expressions that discount, ignore, minimize, or (as with sarcasm) disapprove of what the child is saying or doing. Dirty looks are types of sarcasm reduced even further in clarity. Instead of unclear or sarcastic word messages, the addict parent uses unclear facial expressions.

Disapproval, dirty looks, sarcasm, and teasing are all discounting and minimizing techniques used by the addict to alter their (the addict's) feelings about what they are hearing from the child by attempting to alter the child's reality about what they are feeling.

Disapproval, dirty looks, sarcasm, and teasing are types of attacks. When Janet Geringer Woititz refers to guessing at what normal is, for children of alcoholics (addict parents), I believe that to include the inability to distinguish an attack from a non-attack. As objects of addiction, these children have psychologically trained their feelings to become unavailable to them as a way to cope with repeated attacks or the threat of attack. As a result of this, their feelings have become so unavailable to them that they subsequently become emotionally and cognitively unaware of an attack at the time it occurs (4).

This phenomenon is also described by Whitfield (1989) and Cermak (1986) as "psychic numbing." Children raised as objects of addiction are under attack or the threat of attack throughout the duration of their childhood and sometimes beyond. They are like combat soldiers waiting for an attack to occur. Cermak (1986) writes that during periods of extreme stress, such as an attack or the waiting for an attack to occur (the threat of death, injury, and the feeling of being unable to flee), "combat soldiers are often called upon to act regardless of how they are feeling. Their survival depends upon their ability to suspend feelings in favor of taking steps to ensure their safety." This is a characteristic of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. In the case of children trained to be objects of addiction, you might say that they were forced into fighting a war without weapons to protect themselves and they were unable to see the enemy. This is one of the reasons why so many children of dysfunctional families withdraw into isolation. It's the last resort in fighting an unseen enemy and fighting an enemy without a weapon of defense. You might say that this guide is an exposure of the enemy by exposing the attack methods i.e. the destructive control behaviors that hurt.

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In addition to the unavailability of emotion, they are not sure they've been attacked because there is no one there to validate the attack. This is also a characteristic of PTSD in that "the person's support system includes those who encourage denial" (Cermak 40). In consideration of these points, disapproval, dirty looks, .i.sarcasm, and teasing are types of covert attacks because they are (1) unknown or hidden from the child either by the child's need to suspend their feelings (deny their feelings) in order to ensure their survival or (2) because of the denial used by the addict parents and other family members (hiding the enemy). Destructive control behaviors as discussed in this section of the guide are all forms of an emotional or physical attack on the child.

Whichever of these techniques is used it will add up to: "How can I control the object of my addiction in order for me to feel better (or not to feel bad)?"

What the uninformed addict doesn't know is that, no one or no thing is responsible for the feelings of someone else. We each physiologically and psychologically generate our own experiences of feeling in response to a stimuli. The stimuli is not the source nor the trained response socialized into the addict. The addict's trained or socialized response is his or her own affair exclusive of the stimuli.

Addict parents assume that because they are "feeling bad," someone else must be at fault. They're unable to accept themselves as being at fault i.e. take responsibility for their own feelings and actions because to be "at fault," when they were growing up as children in their own dysfunctional environments, meant that abuse would occur. As a result of this conditioning, addicts are scared to death of "feeling at fault" for anything. They will blame as an instinctive survival response when they experience the perception of having to survive. Needing to survive includes avoiding injury, pain, or humiliation.

The addict parent pattern taught to them, when he or she was a child was to blame someone else for their actions and for how they feel. And as a result of this unexamined training they continue the pattern by blaming other people for their feelings and actions including their children. Children who carry the load of feeling responsible for the feelings and the actions of their addict parent(s) carry a heavy load. Some loads are so heavy that children of addict parents become sick, commit suicide, and even homicide in order to escape the load. As a result of using this destructive control behavior, the first load that children who were raised as an object of an addiction will carry is:

• The load of feeling responsible for the feelings of their addict parent(s).

Note: The load list is also called the "old baggage" list. Old baggage is an accumulation of past events and psychological double binds which go unresolved and consequently load a person down emotionally and physically.

Since the goal of an addict parent is to not to "feel bad" and they assign that responsibility to the child, the child of an addict parent will never be able to share anything painful about themselves with their addict parent. As stated before, when the child tries to share something painful with their addict parent, the addict parent will react or respond to the sharing of that information in a negative and non-supporting way (discounting). There is a painful and invisible cord of dependency which ties or connects the addict with their object of addiction. As a result of this invisible cord, when the object is in pain, the addict is in pain; which causes them to recoil or pull back from their object of addiction; either that or they use some method of disguising, discounting, or diminishing; causing the object's pain to become invisible or unknown to them (the addict parent).

Addict parents are scared to death of having bad feelings and will repress them at any cost. So what are "bad feelings" to an addict parent? An addict parent considers bad feelings to be any feelings of sadness, grief, fear, anger, disappointment, frustration, guilt, loneliness, shame, or any other feelings of pain (including physical pain). Children of addicts cannot share sadness, grief, fear, anger, disappointment, frustration, guilt, loneliness, shame, or any other feelings of pain. Because of this phenomena, children of addicts are forced to cope with their pain alone. Addicts are unable to cope with feelings of pain. Children of addicts, as a result of this kind of destructive control conditioning, equate having pain with being abused or the need to hide their pain in order to survive.

As stated before, the most common reaction of an addict parent to a child's pain would be to try and discount or minimize that pain. When the child shares something painful, usually in the form of a complaint, the addict parent discounts or minimizes what's being said by saying things to the child like:

• "Oh-h-h that doesn't hurt."
• "Just forget about it, look on the bright side."
• "Just ignore it."
• "Don't worry about it."
• "Remember, every cloud has a silver lining."
• "At least you still have . . . . . "
• "You're bugging me; you don't have to bug me now."
• "You think that's bad, when I was your age . . . . ."

Whichever phrase is used, it will be designed to discount and minimize the child's feelings (the child's pain). The addict's objective will be to alter his or her feelings (the addict's feelings) by trying to alter the reality of what his or her child is feeling. In this way they are using the child in a dependency way in order to feel good, better, or avoid "feeling bad." As a result, the child's pain (feelings) goes unaccepted and non-supported by the addict parent and remains repressed and unresolved for the child for years. The child now carries two loads:

• The load of feeling responsible for the feelings of their addict parent(s).
• And the load of their own unresolved grief and repressed pain (coping with pain alone).

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"I consider empathy and dependency to be very confusing issues for Americans today. I also consider love and pity to be equally as confused. A common phrase heard in recovery these days is: Where are all the healthy people, why are they so hard to find? This leads me to believe that the is an immense amount of dysfunctional behavior being displayed by a lot of people. This is not meant as an attack; It's only an observation for consideration."

Perfectionism

Perfectionism is a destructive control behavior designed to keep from "feeling bad" about mistakes. Addict parents, and eventually their children as objects of addiction, believe that mistakes are invitations for disapproval and abuse. Disapproval and abuse are equated to not having "good feelings." And not having "good feelings" is equated to terror. It's the terror that precedes and impulsively propels the perfectionism. Thoughts of imperfection (or mistakes) create an immediate response of terror and the corresponding need to control. An addict parent will perceive things to be "out of control" when they aren't perfect, on time, exactly right, exactly known for sure, etc. They also believe that it is possible to avoid disapproval, rejection, conflict, and abuse, by being perfect and avoiding mistakes; or intensively striving to know the outcome for sure.

The children of addict parents, as objects of addiction, are required to be perfect. Referring back to the analogy of the bottle of booze, a bottle of booze is unable to make mistakes which would cause this previously discussed impulsive response to terror in an addict parent. Booze just sits there . . . in silence . . . . , until it is used. Addict parents expect the same kind of usage and flawless-invisible behavior from their children. Perfectionism adds a third load to the children of addicts; the load of being flawless and invisible. The load list for children of addict parents now includes the following:

• The load of feeling responsible for the feelings of their addict parent(s).
• The load of their own unresolved grief and repressed pain (coping with pain alone).
• The load of having to be perfect (or invisible).

Because of the denial of terror which addict parents have in conjunction with making mistakes, they do not have compassion for mistakes. Incidentally, compassion gives children permission to learn how to learn from mistakes, instead of being abused or controlled by the resulting fear of making mistakes.

Perfectionism also requires that a person be without limitations. A limitless person is able to survive by doing anything and everything perfectly; and with the least amount of assistance from the addict parent. As with mistakes, addict parents lack compassion for limitations. A person (child or adult) with limits is seen as defective, weak, being needy, and that being the case, susceptible to death or abuse. A child with limitations is considered to be an aggravation and a burden. An addict parent sees a child with age appropriate limitations as something that they'll have to make adjustments or accommodations for; which causes hostile resentments within the addict parent due to their own deprivation of needs as an infant, child, adolescent, or adult. (Whitfield 1989). They are so in need that they insist on having their needs met immediately by the child, adolescents, or other adults in their environment regardless of any age, intelligence, physical, sexual, or emotional limitation. In this alone they (addict parents) are an immense boundary-less terror for children and adolescents to be around.

The following is a list of perfectionistic messages that the addict parent may use to instil perfectionism and promote limitlessness in their child as an object of addiction.

(said from an angry victim stance)

• "Are you done yet?" ****
• "Are you sure about that?" ****
• "Be careful!" **
• "Cleanup that mess!" **
• "Do I have to do everything around here?" **
• "Do I have to do everything for you?" **
• "Do I have to do everything myself!" **
• "Don't be late!" ***
• "Don't bother me now!" *
• "Don't bother me!" *
• "Don't break anything!" *
• "Don't do a half-ass job!" *
• "Don't fight!" *
• "Don't forget!" *
• "Don't hit anyone!" *
• "Don't hurt yourself!" *
• "Don't make a mess!" *
• "Don't make any noise!" *
• "Don't screw this up!" *
• "Don't screw-up!" *
• "Hurry-up!" **
• "I don't believe you!" (explain now!) **
• "I know you can do better than this!" **
• "I thought you were smart-er than that." ****

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• "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right!" **
• "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing well!" **
• "Is this all?" (give me more now!) **
• "Is this it?" (give me more now!) **
• "Is this the best you can do?" You doing your best?) ****
• "Pick that up right now!" **
• "Stop that crying!" **
• "That's a terrible thing to do!" (Stop it now!) **
• "You are going to hurt someone!" *
• "You are going to hurt yourself!" *
• "You can do better than that!" **
• "You don't care about anybody but yourself! DO YOU. . . ." **
• "You'd better be right!" ****
• "You'd better do it again!" **
• "You'd better do it over till you get it right!" **
• "You'd better do that right now!" **
• "You'd better get this done right now!" **
• "You'd better learn to do this yourself!" **
• "You'd better make sure!" **
• "You'd better not be lying to me!" ***
• "You'd better not forget!" *
• "You're being bad!" ***
• "You're being irresponsible!" ***
• "You're going to be late!" *
• "You're going to break that!" *
• "You're going to have to learn to do this yourself!" **

The hidden message in each of the above phases is that the child is imperfect (stupid, dumb, or lacking in ability) as they are as a child.

The sanctions or reinforcements for the statements above:

* You'll be in trouble if you do. I'll injure or punish you, or God will injure or punish you, or someone will injure or punish you. I need to use you to feel better, Now!

** You'll be in trouble if you don't. I'll injure or punish you, or God will injure or punish you, or someone will injure or punish you. I need to use you to feel better, Now!

*** You'll be in trouble if you are. I'll injure or punish you, or God will injure or punish you, or someone will injure or punish you. I need to use you to feel better, Now!

**** You'll be in trouble if you aren't. I'll injure or punish you, or God will injure or punish you, or someone will injure or punish you. I need to use you to feel better, Now!

"Conversation perfection" is a style of controlled conversation and perfectionism. It's a type of maneuvering behavior that shapes the conversation so that it may be accepted (or heard) by the addict.

When I experience this type of destructive control behavior from an addict I find myself feeling resentful, frustrated, angry, and thinking, "No, I don't think that's what I said!" The destructive control behavior includes:

A- The addict "adding" information to what I have said as if what I have said was inadequate.

Example:

My Statement: "I think the movie (we saw) was great."

Response: "Yea, great and long too. Next time we should bring overnight bags."

B- The addict interrupting to "steer the information" they are hearing in another direction.

Example:

My statement: "I think the . . . . .

Response: "Think the movie was long, right? Next time we're going to need overnight bags."

---

C- The addict responding with information that "restates" the information they've heard in a more acceptable form.

Example:

My statement: "I think the movie was great."

Response: "You mean the movie was long don't you?"

---

D- The addict "arguing with the information" to reshape it and create conflict.

Example:

My statement: "I think the movie was great."

Response: "No, the movie was long."

---

How ever the response is designed it will alter, add, or change the information that the addict is hearing in order for it to be more acceptable. This is one of the many reasons children of addict parents begin to believe they are unacceptable. Their action and their speech appear to always be under scrutiny or correction.

By controlling a conversation the addict parent censors what they hear in order not to feel bad. The result, when speaking with a child, is the censuring (abandonment) of the child. There is a lack of support or affirmation for the child's belief system. Additionally, the child is expected to acknowledge or affirm the addict's belief system.

Leading in to a facet of the next control behavior, children of addict parents are unable to compete in a healthy way in controlled conversations such as described earlier. It's impossible to do without "straining beyond" their age appropriate limitations. Straining to be heard is a part of the "required to be without limitations" behavior described earlier. They (the children) are unable to be comfortable being themselves and still get their listening needs met. At family get-togethers, in dysfunctional families, children and adults compete for conversation in order to be heard, but no one ever really gets heard.

Control as Competition

Addicts compulsively try to win as a way to maintain control and feel good (or avoid feeling bad). Winning is associated with perfectionism and controlling the outcome. The denied terror in the perfectionism, and the resulting need to control the outcome, propel the addict parent into the need to win. As a result of this, and the lack of their own self worth due to being raised as objects of addiction themselves, they choose to exploit their children in order to gain a sense of worth. When a child tries to say something important, the addict parent will respond in a way that leads the child to believe that the statement they have made was of no consequence. When a child tries to express a sense of accomplishment, the addict responds in a way that leads the child to believe that the accomplishment they've achieved was of no consequence. When the child tries to compete for attention, the addict parent responds by switching into "compete mode" with the intent to compete, win, ignore, and repress the child.

"Despite what competitive parents may claim to want for their children, their hidden agenda is to ensure that their children can't outdo them." (Forward 105).

Unless the child acts out or rebels in some way, in order to be recognized as an identity or a person, and not the object of an addiction, the addict will continue to compete and repress the child. The addict's addiction to win is stronger than the child's identity and welfare. The weight of unhealthy (dependency) competition is something that children of dysfunctional families experience as: "not feeling good enough." Another unhealthy load, the load of "not feeling good enough," is added to the load list.

• The load of feeling responsible for the feelings of their addict parent(s).
• The load of their own unresolved grief and repressed pain (coping with pain alone).
• The load of having to be perfect (or invisible).
• The load of not ever feeling good enough.

Approval seeking or fishing for acceptance

Approval seeking or fishing for acceptance is another load that children of addicts bear. "I need you to make me feel ok." Children of addict parents will be used like a drug, by the addict parent, for emotional and physiological support to feel better (feel approved of, accepted, ok, affirmed, or not in pain and anxiety). Not having received the emotional support and skills to "feel better" from their own parents or guardians, addict parents continue to seek and "fish" for the missing approval, good feelings, and emotional support, from their children. The load of emotional support is now added to the load list.

• The load of feeling responsible for the feelings of their addict parent(s).
• The load of their own unresolved grief and repressed pain (coping with pain alone).
• The load of having to be perfect (or invisible).
• The load of not ever feeling good enough.
• The load of emotional support for the addict.

Addict parents will "fish" for approval, acceptance, ok-ed-ness, or affirmation in an infinite number of covert ways. A child might hear their addictive parent say things like:

(said from a depressed or helpless victim stance)

• "Oh, I don't think I'm very good at that."
• "Tell mommy you like her new dress, don't ya like my new dress?"
• "Don't ya love yer old dad?, tell daddy ya love him."
• "Tell mommy you love her."
• "Do you still love mommy?"
• "Do you still love daddy?"
• "You're so smart/ pretty/ handsome, I wish I could be that way."
• "I'm just not good at doing this."
• "I don't think I'm good at playing games."
• "I guess I'm just getting old."
• "I'm not getting any younger; you should understand that."
• "I'm not as young as I used to be."
• "You probably think this sounds stupid or silly, but . . . . . "
• "You're doing (this). Right? Right? Right?
• "You're just (whatever). Right? Right? Right?

---

All of the phrases, whichever or however they are used, have one thing in common. They are designed to trick or coerce the child in to offering some sort of approval and emotional support for the addict and their behavior. It is a very crazy making game that addicts play to win, with no rules. The goal is to solicit a response from the child that would lead the addict to "feel better." It's a dependency relationship. And the other players (the children) in the game, don't count.

Lying to avoid disapproval is another approval seeking behavior which uses the child to feel better. An addict parent fears disapproval and conflict; and as a result of this fear, they lie to avoid disapproval or conflict. The addict offers information and/ or something that he or she believes the child will approve of (in this way the child is being used like a drug for the addict to feel better). The information and/ or the something ends up to be a falsehood, leading the child to believe that they are unworthy of the original offering. In addition, the child becomes angry and hurt as a result of being betrayed by the addict's falsehood. Children of addicts often feel "let down" and lied to, as a result of their addict parent's need to control disapproval and/ or avoid conflict. Lying creates distrust. Distrust is common within dysfunctional families (it's part of the crazy making game). Distrust is also part of the emotional load (the repressed pain load) carried by child raised as objects of addiction.

False Caring

Another way addicts use children as emotional support is by offering a sense of " false caring." False caring is where the addict pretends to be concerned with how the child's life is going, or what the child thinks, as a way to invite conversation about their own life, or opinion, and gain listening support at the same time. As an example, the addict may say something like the following:

• "How's your day going?"
• "Have you been sick lately?"
• "What do you think about . . . . . . ?"
• "Have you gotten . . . . . . . . . done?"
• "Do you like . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ?"
• "What do you think of . . . . . . . . ?"
• "Do you think it's ok to . . . . . . . .?"

The addict will usually listen momentarily to the child's response, then interrupt at the first opportunity to talk about the topic in relationship to themselves. This leads the child to feel like their addict parent wasn't interested in hearing what it was they had to say in the first place. In this way the child is being abandoned and repressed. In addition to feeling abandoned or repressed in the conversation, the child is now expected to offer listening support as well. What ever the question is, however it is phased, it will have a "hidden agenda" for being asked. The hidden agenda will be to use the child (like a drug) for emotional and physiological support in order to feel better.

When this happens to me I feel like saying, "Why did you ask me about how I feel if you weren't going to listen? And why ask, if the whole purpose for your asking was to talk about yourself while I sit here expected to listen to you; especially someone who isn't going to listen to me?" The situation most common to me would be in the following conversation example:

Addict: (The bait) "How's your day going?"

Child: (The hook) "Fine, except the lunch line was really long at school today."

Addict: (The sinker) "Oh I know what you mean. Today I went to the bank and the line was awful. The tellers must have been on break or something. That bank really needs to do something about that. All I had to do was cash a small check and they couldn't even take the time to let me go ahead of the other people. I'm thinking of changing banks. Maybe that will teach them a lesson and they'll start thinking about what it means to lose customers. The more I think about it, the more I think I'll just do that. You know that pisses me off the more I think about waiting there. I'm a good customer and don't deserve to be treated like that, I . . . . . etc."

The child's frustrations with the lunch line were never really heard. Addict parents believe that by relating a story to the child of similar occurrence, they have in fact listened to the child. In truth, they have reacted to the child's information and not listened to the child. The child's feelings were repressed, abandoned and not heard. In addition the child was used as listening support (adding insult to injury). The addict baited the child into a false sense of concern for the child's feelings, thoughts, or opinions; when in fact, the addict just wanted (needed) to use the child as a listener in order to talk about their day with no intention of listening to the child in return. In this way, the child is used as listening (emotional or physiological) support for the addict in order for the addict to "feel better."

---

 

The next three destructive control behaviors . . . . ,

Offering unauthentic approval for some gain,

Gifts or money offered for some gain,

Offering anything for gain (of some hidden goal),

. . . . . are just variations of the fishing for approval game.

The one thing that all three behaviors have in common is the same kind of hidden gain or agenda; which is the agenda of using the child like a drug to feel better by seeking approval, affirmation, acceptance, and ok-ed-ness from the child. When a child receives a gift from an addict parent, they are then expected or manipulated into giving something back. This is conditional love, i.e. "I'll give you this gift if you do something in return so I can feel good (I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine)." In this way, the child is being used like a drug. During the use of these types of destructive control behaviors the addict will make statements similar to the ones below.

• "Here's your gift, isn't it big/ good/ pretty/ just what you wanted/ etc.?"(gift for gain).
• "You're such a good helper, would you get that for mommy?"(unauthentic approval for gain).
• "You're so pretty, now don't dirty your dress." (unauthentic approval for gain).
• "I know I can trust you, now don't drop that cake." (unauthentic approval for gain).
• "I got your gift early, so you could take it with you. Aren't you happy?"(gift for gain).
• "I bought this for you because your so special. By the way, have you cleaned up your room today?" (gift for gain).
• "I know you like this, don't you?" (something else for gain).
• "Here is that toy you really wanted, now don't break it." (gift for gain).
• "Tell your grandma that you really liked the gifts she gave you." (gift for gain).
• "What do you say?" (Thank-you) "That's right." (gift for gain).

The "agenda" of addiction is to "feel better" and "avoid feeling bad." The child, as an object of addiction, is being used to support the addict in the addiction. A role reversal is in effect as a result of the addiction agenda. Parents are considered to be responsible, as part of their parenting responsibilities, for helping their children to feel worthy by supporting them emotionally as well as physically. In the case of children raised in dysfunctional families, where one or both parents are addicts, the situation is reversed. The child is expected to take on the parenting role by emotionally and physiologically supporting the addict parent. Thus, from the child's terrified point of view, the following occurs; "I'll have to take care of you (or be ok) so that you'll be able (or be ok) to take care of me."

When helping isn't helping

When helping isn't helping is when it's an addiction. Addicts use this type of destructive control behavior as another way to seek approval; approval from the child which they need in order to "feel better." The script for an addict using "helping behavior" as a cover or hidden agenda for approval seeking (in order to feel better) is:

"I need to use you in order to feel better." If you'll let me help you, you'll feel better about me and I'll feel better about me. You'll like me and I'll like me. And if help is refused or rejected,"WHAT?, YOU DON'T WANT MY HELP?, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?, WHAT A TERRIBLE THING YOU'VE DONE TO ME." "WHAT A JERK YOU ARE FOR NOT LETTING ME HELP YOU."

Children raised with this type of destructive control behavior will feel the extreme weight of this type of hidden approval seeking agenda in the form of helping. Addicts will offer help and even force help on to someone in order to feel better. They (the addict parent) will require that their objects of addiction (the recipients of their help) be accepting of their help. Rejection of their help is seen (by the addict parent) as being victimized by the person refusing the help.

(said from an angry victim stance, or left unsaid and held as a victim-like resentment)

• "How could you possibly not want my help, after all the things I've done for you. You've really hurt me. How could you hurt me like this?"

In addition, they assume that they have done something wrong by offering help which was not accepted. Addicts offer help or use helping behavior as a way to use people to feel accepted. Children of addict parents have been abused, beaten, and abandoned for refusing to allow their addict parent to force help onto them. Unfortunately, in the name of helping, addicts will use their children in order to feel better. This is another form of conditional love. That is to say, "I'll assist you, but only on my terms. Your terms (or needs) are unrecognizable or are of no account to me."

There's an omnipotent and egocentric attitude that accompanies the helping behavior:

"I can help you better than you can help yourself."

AND,

"If I don't help you, you're going to pay for it."

(Translation: I'm unable to feel good unless I help you. I need to use you in order to feel better. You'd better necessitate my feelings of good or I'll injure you).

These scripts are the messages that children of addict parents receive about helping. Helping of this kind is an addiction or a "compulsion." The 52nd printing of Roget's College Thesaurus lists the following entries under the word "compulsion."

Compulsion. "verbs- compel, force, make, drive, coerce, constrain, enforce, necessitate, oblige; force upon, press; cram, thrust or force down the throat; make a point of, insist upon, take no denial; put down, dragoon; extort, wring from; drag into; bind over; pin or tie down; require, tax, put in force, put teeth in; restrain; hold down; commandeer, draft, conscript, impress" (65).

Some religions add further complications to this type of destructive control behavior by promoting messages such as:

• "Helping is the Christian thing to do."
• "God will love you if you help your fellow man."
• "We reap what we sow (If I help you, you'll help me). "
• "Forgive them for they know not what they do; help them anyway."
• "Good Christians help people."
• "Do onto others, as you would want them to do onto you (Addict's hidden agenda: If I help you, you're supposed to help me)."

---

These reinforcements add justification and give the addict sanctioned permission to compel themselves into helping behavior as a destructive control behavior.

One of the problems of dependency is "intense need." This intensity causes a got-to-get-it-all-done-right-now behavior. As a result of this behavior, addicts ignore asking for permission to help, or for that matter, permission for anything if they conclude that it might obstruct their need to "feel better" by doing so. Addicts for the most part do not wait until they have been asked for help. They force help. And "forced help" is a "boundary violation." They are operating on the principal that a child is an object of use and therefore does not need to be asked for permission to be used.

Imagine the child to be a country. Imagine that country to be surrounded by borders. These borders are the boundaries for that country. When these borders are invaded without consent, the act is considered to be hostile. The hostile invasion of a country is called a boundary violation. Similarly, the hostile invasion of a child is called a boundary violation. (Choose to see "Projection" later in this section for a further explanation of "Boundaries.)"

Excessive probing and lack of privacy

Excessive probing and lack of privacy are also "boundary violations." Excessive probing is where the addict probes for a purpose and that purpose is to gain information which is destructively used against the child. A child waits in fear of information being taken by force (excessive probing) that will be used against them. The information is extracted by the addict in an act of coercion and terrorism. A child looses their sense of safety whenever there is a boundary violation.

Excessive probing would include any statement that is designed to access the child's thoughts in order to gain information which was originally protected by the child before it was extracted by the addict parent. Examples of destructive probing statements:

(said from an angry victim stance)

• "Tell me why you did that, and don't lie!"
• "I know you did this so you might as well tell me the truth!"
• "I'm sure I saw you do that, don't lie to me!"
• "Where have you been!"
• "Do you think I'm stupid? I can tell your lying to me (You must be holding something back or trying to hide something)!"

All of these excessive and destructive probing statements are designed to invade the child's boundaries and force them to surrender information against their will without regard to their emotional safety. An addict only knows that in order to avoid "feeling bad" he or she must invade and control information that was originally controlled (protected) by the child. In an unhealthy, chimerical, or distorted view from addict to child, " My will is more powerful than yours." A child who is being used as an object of addiction is expected to be compliant (surrender information) and fears for their safety when they do not submit to an unauthorized invasion (a violation of their boundaries).

Lack of privacy includes excessive probing, the physical act of entering someone else's room or bath area, .i.staring; (as an invasion or as a way to invade), or looking through someone else's personal effects, all without permission. All of these activities are an invasion and the act of invasion without permission is again a "boundary violation."

Addicts do not respect boundaries. They have an intuitive sense of what a boundary violation is but choose to ignore that information. As an addict, the choice for them is choosing between the addiction to the child and the child's physical or emotional safeness or wellness (safeness or wellness as felt by the child). Unfortunately, satisfying the addiction is stronger and subsequently more important than the concern or well being of the child. The child's welfare is thought of in terms of how to feed the addiction and satisfy the compulsion. The crime with addiction is that it is usually a silent attack i.e. feeding the addiction behind closed car doors, closed bedroom doors, or basements and then trying to look excessively good to the outside community by repressing, concealing, or controlling anything that might "look bad" or unacceptable. An addict parent is basically addicted to controlling, either in the form of controlling themselves (their behaviors and their feelings), and/ or controlling other people in the same way. And controlling information or personal space empowers the addict with feelings of control. Controlling is a way addict parents "feel better."

Lack of privacy may also be "taking an inventory" of the child. It's an intrusion and a boundary violation. Taking an inventory of someone means to take an accounting of their behavior and reading it back to them or analyzing them aloud. A child, who's inventory is being taken, will feel like someone has just invaded their mind, stolen information, and then exposed it to the world like spoils of war. It's an attack and pilfering of the child's mind and spirit. Some mild examples of inventory taking would be statements like:

• "I know you're going to like this."
• "Mommy knows you won't like this, so you can't have it."
• "I knew you would do this."
• "You don't like that. I remember the last time you . . . . ."

Some more serious examples of inventory taking would be:

(said from an angry or envious victimstance)

• "You're just stubborn/ lazy/ shy/ excited/ small/ slow/ etc." (Labels that judge negatively).
• "I (or You) know you're only doing this to . . . . . . . . "
• "I know what your thinking (something) and it's wrong."
• "You're not fooling me, I know exactly what you're up to."
• "You're pretty/ talented/ good/ easy/ nice/ quick/ smart/etc." (Labels that create expectation).

These kinds of statements, that presume to know something personal about the child, more than the child would know about themselves, are considered to be an inventory taking which is a boundary violation; more specifically, the addict foregoes any question that would ask in a nurturing way for "permission" to obtain information in order to affirm or verify their perceptions of the child at the time.

---

Projection

Projection is a way addict parents unloads themselves emotionally onto the child by shifting the responsibility for their feelings onto the child. The shifting of responsibility for their feelings onto the child is also called "blaming." Blaming the child for the addict's feelings. The addict forces (blames) the child into excepting responsibility for their feelings. The forcing of responsibility is a boundary violation. It's a type of invasion which forces the child to except extra emotional and physiological loads.

Imagine the child to be a country. Let's call this country "Child Country."

Imagine the addict to be a country and let's call this country "Addict Country."

Each country has borders, or boundaries, which surround the country and keep it safe.

Imagine the neighboring country of Addict Country forcing the burden of their internal affairs onto Child Country. As an example, say that Addict Country has a sudden increase in population. Let's call this sudden increase in population a population explosion. The population explosion is so big that Addict Country is unable to cope with the sudden expansion. In order to relieve this sudden internal growth, they feel it necessary to expand outward. Unfortunately they don't have the land resources within their own country to accommodate the expansion. The only way to resolve the burden of this sudden growth is to invade a neighboring country. They will choose to invade the nearest neighboring country with the weakest borders. The nearest country with the weakest borders is Child Country.

Addict Country's ability to invade Child country is more powerful than Child Country's ability to protect it's borders. The invasion of Child Country is called a boundary violation (the boundaries, or borders, of Child Country have been invaded).

Using the same story, but replacing the elements in motion with human attributes, we get the following:

• Country Story - Human Equivalent.
• Child Country - The child.
• Addict Country - The addict.
• Borders (boundaries) - The personal protective space.
• Population explosion - The addict's overflow of internal feelings.
• The expansion - The load of emotion.
• Expanding outward - Projecting feelings.
• Land resources - Coping skills for feelings.
• The ability to invade - Strength, experience, size, skill.

We now have the human equivalent to the country story. The result would be the following human story.

The addict has a sudden increase in feelings. Unable to cope with the load of these feelings, they project these feelings onto the child. The child's personal protective space is invaded and emotionally (and physiologically) loaded down with the addict's feelings. Due to this invasion of the child's personal protective space, a boundary violation has occurred.

Below are some examples of projection. The first statement is the projection. The projection is what the child hears. The statements that follow are the addicts concealed feelings (ACF), which the child does not hear. As a result of not hearing these concealed feelings, the child is loaded down emotionally with loads (assumes the loads) that the child assumes that they are supposed to carry (accommodate or make adjustments) for the addict.

---

Examples of Projection

Projection: "You're Stupid."

ACF:

• "I'm frustrated with the limits I think you have."
• "I'm angry that the expectations I have of you aren't being met."
• "I feel like you aren't meeting my needs."
• "I feel helpless."

Projection: "You're Selfish."

ACF:

• "I feel less important than you and I think it's you're fault.."
• "I feel like you should discard you're feelings in favor of mine."
• "I feel like you aren't meeting my needs."
• "I feel helpless and unloved when you take care of yourself."

Projection: "You're Crazy."

ACF:

• "I'm unable to accept you and your feelings."
• "I feel angry or threatened by what I am hearing."
• "I feel inadequate."
• "I feel helpless."

Projection: "You're just lazy."

ACF:

• "I have expectations for myself and I think you should be able to meet those same expectations."
• "I can't cope with your limits, no matter how healthy they are."
• "I feel helpless."

Projection: "You're a bitch /an asshole."

ACF:

• "I expect you to behave in a certain way."
• "I feel helpless, inadequate, angry, hurt, etc. that you're not behaving in a way that I feel good about."
• "I feel like you aren't meeting my needs."
• "I feel like I need you to take care of me and my needs."

Projection: "Grow up!"

ACF:

• "I expect you to behave in a certain way." ;
• "I feel helpless, inadequate, angry, hurt, etc. that you're not behaving in a way that I feel good about."
• "I feel like you aren't meeting my needs."
• "I feel like I need you to take care of me and my needs."

Projection: "You're a big baby!"

ACF:

• "I expect you to behave in a certain way." ;
• "I feel helpless, inadequate, angry, hurt, etc. that you're not behaving in a way that I feel good about."
• "I feel like you aren't meeting my needs."
• "I feel like I need you to take care of me and my needs."

Projection: "You're a snob."

ACF:

• "I feel inadequate when I chose to be around you." ;
• "I feel helpless, inadequate, angry, hurt, etc. that you're not behaving in a way that I feel good about."
• "I feel like you aren't meeting my needs."
• "I feel like I need you to take care of me and my needs."

---

Projection: "You're just weird."

ACF:

• "I feel unable to accept you.."
• "I expect you to behave in a certain way."
• "I feel helpless, inadequate, angry, hurt, etc. that you're not behaving in a way that I feel good about."
• "I feel like you aren't meeting my needs."
• "I feel like I need you to take care of me and my needs."

Projection: "You're just thinking of yourself."

ACF:

• "I think you should abandon your needs in favor of mine." ;
• "I feel angry that I can't use you."
• "I feel like you aren't meeting my needs."
• "I feel helpless."

Projection: "Nobody is going to like you if you do that."

ACF:

• "I'm frustrated with you, I don't like what you're doing." ;
• "I expect you to behave in a certain way."
• "I feel helpless, inadequate, angry, hurt, etc. that you're not behaving in a way that I feel good about."
• "I feel like you aren't meeting my needs."
• "I feel like I need you to take care of me and my needs."

Projection: "You can't do that!"

ACF:

• "I feel anger when I think you are going to do something that I consider to be inappropriate." ;
• "I expect you to behave in a certain way."
• "I feel helpless, inadequate, angry, hurt, etc. that you're not behaving in a way that I feel good about."
• "I feel like you aren't meeting my needs."
• "I feel like I need you to take care of me and my needs."

Projection: "You're just doing that to be a smart ass."

ACF:

• "I'm sure that I can read your mind." ;
• "I'm unable to cope with your behavior."
• "I expect you to behave in a certain way."
• "I feel helpless, inadequate, angry, hurt, etc. that you're not behaving in a way that I feel good about."
• "I feel like you aren't meeting my needs."
• "I feel like I need you to take care of me and my needs."

Projection: "I think you're doing this just because . . . . . ."

ACF:

• "I'm sure that I can read your mind." ;
• "I'm unable to cope with your behavior."
• "I expect you to behave in a certain way."
• "I feel helpless, inadequate, angry, hurt, etc. that you're not behaving in a way that I feel good about."
• "I feel like you aren't meeting my needs."
• "I feel like I need you to take care of me and my needs."

Projection: "You're just doing this to get attention."

ACF:

• "I'm envious of your abilities and feeling inadequate with my own." ;
• "I'm sure that I can read your mind."
• "I'm unable to cope with your behavior."
• "I expect you to behave in a certain way."
• "I feel helpless, inadequate, angry, hurt, etc. that you're not behaving in a way that I feel good about."
• "I feel like you aren't meeting my needs."
• "I feel like I need you to take care of me and my needs."

Projection: "You are embarrassing me!"

ACF:

• "I feel anger when I think you are going to do something that I consider to be inappropriate." ;
• "I expect you to behave in a certain way."
• "I feel helpless, inadequate, angry, hurt, etc. that you're not behaving in a way that I feel good about."
• "I feel like you aren't meeting my needs."
• "I feel like I need you to take care of me and my needs."

next: A Place to Start Healing
~ all Art of Healing articles
~ addictions library articles
~ all addictions articles

A resource guide for adult children of dysfunctional families.

by:
Clinton Clark
To:
Tyler and Lindsay, I'm sorry for terrorizing you and behaving as a victim (shaming you)

I'm not OK,
when . . .
You're not.

I wrote this guide for myself. It's my hope that by sharing these recovery notes with someone else (as part of my twelfth step), they might find comfort and hope.

Here's what this guide has to offer:

• The Art of Healing, Preface
• Foreword
• Behaviors that Hurt and the Loads to be Carried
• A Place to Start Healing
• A Closer Look
• Stormy Weather Ahead
• Section III: Acceptance of Myself
• Back to Basics: Male and Female
• About Me, Clinton Clark

next: The Art of Healing, Preface
~ addictions library articles
~ all addictions articles

Treatment for drug abuse and addiction is delivered in many different settings, using a variety of behavioral and pharmacological approaches.

Drug addiction is a complex disorder that can involve virtually every aspect of an individual's functioning in the family, at work, and in the community. Because of addiction's complexity and pervasive consequences, drug addiction treatment typically must involve many components. Some of those components focus directly on the individual's drug use. Others, like employment training, focus on restoring the addicted individual to productive membership in the family and society.

Treatment for drug abuse and addiction is delivered in many different settings, using a variety of behavioral and pharmacological approaches. In the United States, more than 11,000 specialized drug treatment facilities provide rehabilitation, counseling, behavioral therapy, medication, case management, and other types of services to persons with drug use disorders.

Because drug abuse and addiction are major public health problems, a large portion of drug treatment is funded by local, State, and Federal governments. Private and employer-subsidized health plans also may provide coverage for treatment of drug addiction and its medical consequences.

Drug abuse and addiction are treated in specialized treatment facilities and mental health clinics by a variety of providers, including certified drug abuse counselors, physicians, psychologists, nurses, and social workers. Treatment is delivered in outpatient, inpatient, and residential settings. Although specific treatment approaches often are associated with particular treatment settings, a variety of therapeutic interventions or services can be included in any given setting.

Sources:

• National Institute of Drug Abuse, "Principles of Drug Addiction Treatment: A Research Based Guide."

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sexual fantasies

India men ranked highest in a global survey which determined whether they knew their wives' sexual fantasies even. The question, "Do you know the sexual fantasies of your spouse" was answered in the affirmative by two-third of Indian men, with responses drawn from 32 countries.

Less than a third of US men said they knew their spouses' sexual fantasies and were ranked third from bottom. Americans were the most likely to say, "I love you," with nearly three quarters of them saying it at least once a day.

The findings come from a poll conducted on the internet based on responses of more than 93,000 people around the world.

 

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next: Sexual Fantasies of Child Molesters

Note: Written in 1939, when there were few women in A.A., this chapter assumes that the alcoholic in the home is likely to be the husband. But many of the suggestions given here may be adapted to help the person who lives with a woman alcoholic whether she is still drinking or is recovering in A.A. A further source of help is noted on page 121 of the Big Book.

With few exceptions, our book thus far has spoken of men. But what we have said applies as much to women. Our activities in behalf of women who drink are on the increase. There is evidence that women regain their health as readily as men if they try our suggestions.

But for every man who drinks others are involved the wife who trembles in fear of the next debauch; the mother and father who see their son wasting away.

Among us are wives, relatives, and friends whose problem has been solved, as well as some who have not yet found a happy solution. We want the wives of Alcoholics Anonymous to address the wives of men of drink too much. What they way will apply to nearly everyone bound by the ties of blood or affection to an alcoholic.

As wives of Alcoholics Anonymous, we would like you to feel that we understand as perhaps few can. We want to analyze mistakes we have made. We want to leave you with the feeling that no situation is too difficult and no unhappiness too great to be overcome.

We have traveled a rocky road, there is no mistake about that. We have had long rendezvous with hurt pride, frustration, self pity, misunderstanding and fear. These are not pleasant companions. We have been driven to maudlin sympathy, to bitter resentment. Some of us veered from extreme to extreme, ever hoping that one day our loved ones would be themselves once more.

Our loyalty and the desire that our husbands hold up their heads and be like other men have begotten all sorts of predicaments. We have been unselfish and self-sacrificing. We have told innumerable lies to protect our pride and our husbands' reputations. We have prayed, we have begged, we have been patient. We have struck out viciously. WE have run away. We have been hysterical. We have been terror stricken. We have sought sympathy., We have had retaliatory love affairs with other men.

Our homes have been battlegrounds many an evening. In the morning we have kissed and made up. Our friends have counseled chucking the men and we have done so with finality, only to be back in a little while hoping, always hoping. Our men have sworn great solemn oaths that they were through drinking forever. We have believed them when no one else could or would. Then, in days, weeks, or months a fresh outburst.

We seldom had friends at our homes, never knowing how or when the men of the house would appear. We could make few social engagements. We came to live almost alone. When we were invited out, our husbands sneaked so many drinks that they spoiled the occasion. If, on the other hand, they took nothing, their self pity made them killjoys.

There was never financial security. Positions were always in jeopardy or gone. An armored car could have brought the pay envelopes home. The checking account melted like snow in June.

Sometimes there were other women. How heartbreaking was this discovery; how cruel to be told they understood our men as we did not!

The bill collectors, the sheriffs, the angry taxi drivers, the policemen, the bums, the pals, and even the ladies they sometimes brought home our husbands thought we were so inhospitable. "Joy killer, nag, wet blanket" that's what they said. Next day they would be themselves again and we would forgive them and try to forget.

We have tried to hold the love of our children for their father. We have told small tots that father was sick, which was much nearer the truth than we realized. They struck the children, kicked out door panels, smashed treasured crockery and ripped the keys out of pianos. In the midst of such pandemonium they may have rushed out threatening to live with the other woman forever. In desperation, we have even got tight ourselves the drunk to end all drunks. The unexpected result was that our husbands seemed to like it.

Perhaps at this point we got a divorce and took the children home to father and mother. Then we were severely criticized by our husband's parents for desertion. Usually we did not leave. We stayed on and on. We finally sought employment as destitution faced us and our families.

We began to ask medical advice as the sprees got closer together. The alarming physical and mental symptoms, the deepening pall of remorse, depression and inferiority that settled down on our loved ones these things terrified and distracted us. As animals on a treadmill, we have patiently and wearily climbed, falling back in exhaustion after each futile effort to reach solid ground. Most of us have entered the final stage with its commitment to health resorts, sanitariums, hospitals, and jails. Sometimes there were screaming delirium and insanity. Death was often near.

Under these conditions we naturally made mistakes. Some of them rose out of ignorance or alcoholism. Sometimes we sensed dimly that we were dealing with sick men. Had we fully understood the nature of the alcoholic illness, we might have behaved differently.

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How could men who loved their wives and children be so unthinking, so callous, so cruel? There could be no love in such persons, we thought. And just as we were being convinced of their heartlessness, they would surprise us with fresh resolves and new attentions. For a while they would be their old sweet selves, only to dash the new structure of affection to pieces once more. Asked why they commenced to drink again, they would reply with some silly excuse, or none. It was so baffling, so heartbreaking. Could we have been so mistaken in the men we married? When drinking, they were strangers. Sometimes they were so inaccessible that it seemed as though a great wall have been built around them.

And even if they did not love their families, how could they be so blind about themselves? What had become of their judgment, their common sense, their will power? Why could then not see that drink meant ruin to them? Why was it, when these dangers were pointed out they agreed, and then got drunk again immediately?

These are some of the questions which race through the mind of every woman who has an alcoholic husband. We hope this book has answered some of them. Perhaps your husband has been living in that strange world of alcoholism where everything is distorted and exaggerated. You can see that he really does love you with his better self. Of course there is such a thing as incompatibility, but in nearly every instance the alcoholic only seems to be unloving and inconsiderate; it is usually because he is warped and sickened that he says and does these appalling things. Today most of our men are better husbands and fathers than ever before.

Try not to condemn your alcoholic husband no matter what he says or does. He is just another very sick, unreasonable person. Treat him, when you can, as though he has pneumonia. When he angers you, remember that he is very ill.

There is an important exception to the foregoing. We realize that some men are thoroughly bad intentioned, that no amount of patience will every make any difference. An alcoholic of this temperament may be quick to use this chapter as a club over your head. Don't let him get away with it. If you are positive he is one of this type you may feel you had better leave. Is it right to let him ruin your life and the lives of your children? Especially when he has before him a way to stop his drinking and abuse if he really wants to pay the price.

The problem with which you struggle usually falls within one of four categories:

One: Your husband may be only a heavy drinker. His drinking may be constant or it may be heavy only on certain occasions. Perhaps he spends too much money for liquor. It may be slowing him up mentally and physically, but he does not see it. Sometimes he is a source of embarrassment to you and his friends. He is positive he can handle his liquor, that it does him no harm, that his drinking is necessary to his business. He would probably be insulted if he were called an alcoholic. This world is full of people like him. Some will moderate or stop altogether, and some will not. Of those who keep on, a good number will become true alcoholics after a while.

Two: Your husband is showing lack of control, for he is unable to stay on the water wagon even when he wants to. He often gets entirely out of hand when drinking. He admits this is true, but is positive that he will do better. He has begun to try, with or without your cooperation, various means of moderating or staying dry. Maybe he is beginning to lose his friends. His business may suffer somewhat. He is worried at times, and is becoming aware that he cannot drink like other people. He sometimes drinks in the morning and through the day also, to hold his nervousness in check. He is remorseful after serious drinking bouts and tells you he wants to stop. But when he gets over the spree, he begins to think once more how he can drink moderately next time. We think this person is in danger. These are earmarks of a real alcoholic. Perhaps he can still tend to business fairly well. He has by no means ruined everything. As we say among ourselves, "He wants to want to stop."

Three: This husband has gone much further than husband number two. Though once like number two he became worse. His friends have slipped away, his home is a near wreck and he cannot hold a position. Maybe the doctor has been called in, and the weary round of sanitariums and hospitals has begun. He admits he cannot drink like other people, but does not see why. He clings to the notion that he will yet find a way to do so. He may have come to the point where he desperately wants to stop but cannot. His case presents additional questions which we shall try to answer for you. You can be quite hopeful of a situation like this.

Four: You may have a husband of whom you completely despair. He has been placed in one institution after another. He is violent, or appears definitely insane when drunk. Sometimes he drinks on the way home from the hospital. Perhaps he has delirium tremens. Doctors may shake their heads and advise you to have him committed. Maybe you have already been obliged to put him away. This picture may not be as dark as it looks. Many of our husbands were just as far gone. Yet they got well.

Let's now go back to husband number one. Oddly enough, he is often difficult to deal with. He enjoys drinking. It stirs his imagination. His friends feel closer over a highball. Perhaps you enjoy drinking with him too when he doesn't go too far. You have passed happy evenings together chatting and drinking before your fire. Perhaps you both like the parties which would be dull without liquor. We have enjoyed such evenings ourselves; we had a good time. We know all about liquor as a social lubricant. Some, but not all of us, think it has its advantages when reasonably used. The first principle of success is that you should never be angry. Even though your husband becomes unbearable and you have to leave him temporarily, you should, if you can, go without rancor. Patience and good temper are most necessary.

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Our next thought is that you should never tell him what he must do about his drinking. If he gets the idea that you are a nag or a killjoy, your chance of accomplishing anything may be zero. He will use that as an excuse to drink more. He will tell you he is misunderstood. This may lead to lonely evenings for you. He may seek someone else to console him not always another man.

Be determined that your husband's drinking is not going to spoil your relations with your children or your friends. They need your companionship and your help. It is possible to have a full and useful life, though your husband continues to drink. We know women who are unafraid, even happy under these conditions. Do not set your heart on reforming your husband. You may be unable to do so, no matter how hard you try.

We know these suggestions are sometimes difficult to follow, but you will save many a heartbreak if you come to appreciate your reasonableness and patience. This may lay the groundwork for a friendly talk about his alcoholic problem. Try to have him bring about his alcoholic problem. Try to have him bring up the subject himself. Be sure you are not critical during such a discussion. Attempt instead, to put yourself in his place. Let him see that you want to be helpful rather than critical.

When a discussion does arise, you might suggest he read this book or at least the chapter on alcoholism. Tell him that you have been worried, though perhaps needlessly. You think he ought to know the subject better, as everyone should have a clear understanding of the risk he takes if he drinks too much. Show him you have confidence in his power to stop or moderate. Say you do not want to be a wet blanket that you only want him to take care of his health. Thus you may succeed in interesting him in alcoholism.

He probably has several alcoholics among his own acquaintances. You might suggest that you both take an interest in them. Drinkers like to help other drinkers. Your husband may be willing to talk to one of them.

If this kind of approach does not catch your husband's interest, it may be best to drop the subject, but after a friendly talk your husband will usually revive the topic himself. This may take patient waiting, but it will be worth it. Meanwhile you might try to help the wife of another serious drinker. If you act upon these principles, your husband my stop or moderate.

Suppose, however, that your husband fits the description of number two. The same principles which apply to husband number one should be practiced. But after his next binge, ask him if he would really like to get over drinking for good. Do not ask him to do it for anyone else. Just would he like to?

The chances are he would. Show him your copy of this book and tell him what you have found out about alcoholism. Show him that as alcoholics, the writers of the book understand. Tell him some of the interesting stories you have read. If you think he will be shy of a spiritual remedy, ask him to look at the chapter on alcoholism. Then perhaps he will be interested enough to continue.

If he is enthusiastic your cooperation will mean a great deal. If he is lukewarm or thinks he is not an alcoholic, we suggest you leave him alone. Avoid urging him to follow our program. The seed has been planted in his mind. He knows that thousands of men, much like himself, have recovered. But don't remind of this after he has been drinking, for he may be angry. Sooner or later, you are likely to find him reading the book once more. Wait until repeated stumbling convinces him he must act, for the more you hurry him the longer his recovery may be delayed.

If you have a number three husband, you may be in luck. Being certain he wants to stop, you can go to him with this volume as joyfully as though you had struck oil. He may not share your enthusiasm, but he is practically sure to read the book and he may go for the program at once. If he does not, you will probably not have long to wait. Again, you should not crowd him. Let him decide for himself. Cheerfully see him through more sprees. Talk about his condition or this book only when he raises the issue. In some cases it may be better to let someone outside the family present the book. They can urge action without arousing hostility. If your husband is otherwise a normal individual, your chances are good at this stage.

You would suppose that men in the fourth classification would be quite hopeless, but that is not so. Many of Alcoholics Anonymous were like that. Everybody had given them up. Defeat seemed certain. Yet often such men had spectacular and powerful recoveries.

There are exceptions. Some men have been so impaired by alcohol that they cannot stop. Sometimes there are cases where alcoholism is complicated by other disorders. A good doctor or psychiatrist can tell you whether these complications are serious. In any event, try and have your husband read this book. His reaction may be one of enthusiasm. If he is already committed to an institution, but can convince you and your doctor that he means business, give him a chance to try our method, unless the doctor thinks his mental condition too abnormal or dangerous. We make this recommendation with some confidence. For years we have been working wit alcoholics committed to institutions. Since this book was published, A.A. has released thousands of alcoholics from asylums and hospitals of every kind. The majority have never returned. The power of God goes deep!

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You may have the reverse situation on your hands. Perhaps you have a husband who is at large, but who should be committed. Some men cannot or will not get over alcoholism. When they become too dangerous, we think the kind thing to do is to lock them up, but of course a good doctor should always be consulted. The wives and children of such men suffer horribly, but not more than the men themselves.

But sometimes you must start life anew. We know women who have done it. If such women adopt a spiritual way of life, their road will be smoother.

If your husband is a drinker, you probably worry over what other people are thinking and you hate to meet your friends. You draw more and more into yourself and you think everyone is talking about conditions at your home. You avoid the subject of drinking, even with your own parents. You do not know what to tell the children. When your husband is bad, you become a trembling recluse, wishing the telephone had never been invented.

We find that most of this embarrassment is unnecessary. While you need not discuss your husband at length, you can quietly let your friends know the nature of his illness. But you must be on guard not to embarrass or harm your husband.

When you have carefully explained to such people that he is a sick person, you will have created a new atmosphere. Barriers which have sprung up between you and your friends will disappear with the growth of sympathetic understanding. You will no longer be self-conscious or feel that you must apologize as though your husband were a weak character. He may be anything but that. Your new courage, good nature and lack of self-consciousness will do wonders for you socially.

The same principle applies in dealing with he children. Unless they actually need protection from their father, it is best not to take sides in any argument he has with them while drinking. Use your energies to promote a better understanding all around. Then that terrible tension which grips the home of every problem drinker will be lessened.

Frequently, you have felt obliged to tell your husband's employer and his friends that he was sick, when as a matter of fact he was drunk. Avoid answering these inquiries as much as you can. Whenever possible, let your husband explain. Your desire to protect him should not cause you to lie to people when they have a right to know where he is and what he is doing. Discuss this with him when he is sober and in good spirits. Ask him what you should do if he places you in such a position again. But be careful not to be resentful about the last time he did so.

There is another paralyzing fear. You may be afraid your husband will lose his position; you are thinking of the disgrace and hard times which will befall you and the children. This experience may come to you. Or you may already have had it several times. Should it will happen again, regard it in a different light. Maybe it will prove a blessing! It may convince your husband he wants to stop drinking forever. And now you know that he can if he will. Time after time, this apparent calamity has been a boon to us, for it has opened up a path which led to the discovery of God.

We have elsewhere remarked how much better life is when lived on a spiritual plane. If God can solve the age-old riddle of alcoholism, He can solve your problems too. We wives found that, like everyone else, we were effected with pride, vanity, and all the things which go to make up the self-centered person; and we were not above selfishness or dishonesty. As our husbands began to apply spiritual principles in their lives, we began to see the desirability of doing so too.

At first, some of us did not believe we needed this help. We thought, on the whole, we were pretty good women, capable of being nicer if our husbands stopped drinking. But it was a silly idea that we were too good to need God. Now we try to put spiritual principles to work in every department of our lives. When we do that, we find it solves our problems too; the ensuing lack of fear, worry, and hurt feelings is a wonderful thing. We urge you to try our program, for nothing will be so helpful; to your husband as the radically changed attitude towards him which God will show you how to have. Go along with your husband if you possibly can.

If you and your husband find a solution for the pressing problem of drink you are, of course, going to be very happy. But all problems will not be solved at once. Seed has started to sprout in a new soil, but growth has only begun. In spite of your new found happiness, there will be ups and downs. Many of the old problems will still be with you. This is as it should be.

The faith and sincerity of both you and your husband will be put to the test. These workouts should be regarded as part of your education, for thus you will be learning to live. You will make mistakes, but if you are in earnest they will not drag you down. Instead, you will capitalize them. A better way of life will emerge when they are overcome.

Some of the snags you will encounter are irritation, hurt feelings and resentments., Your husband will sometimes be unreasonable and you will want to criticize. Starting from a speck on the domestic horizon, great thunderclouds of dispute may gather.. These family dissensions are very dangerous, especially to your husband. Often you must carry the burden of avoiding them or keeping them under control. Never forget that resentment is a deadly hazard to an alcoholic. We do not mean that you have to agree with your husband whenever there is an honest difference of opinion. Just be careful not to disagree in a resentful or critical spirit.

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You and your husband will find you can dispose of serious problems easier than you can the trivial ones. Next time you and he have a heated discussion, no matter what the subject, it should be the privilege of either to smile and say, "This is getting serious. I'm sorry I got disturbed. Lets talk about it later." If your husband is trying to live on a spiritual basis, he will also be doing everything in his power to avoid disagreement or contention.

Your husband knows he owes you more than sobriety. He wants to make good. Yet you must not expect too much. His ways of thinking and doing are the habits of years. Patience, tolerance, understanding and love are the watchwords. Show him these things in yourself and they will be reflected back to you from him. Live and let live is the rule. If you both show a willingness to remedy your own defects, there will be little need to criticize each other.

We women carry with us a picture of the ideal man, the sort of chap we would like our husbands to be. It is the most natural thing in the world, once his liquor problem is solved, to feel that he will now measure up to that cherished vision. The chances are he will not for, like yourself, he is just beginning his development. Be patient.

Another feeling that we are very likely to entertain is one of resentment that love and loyalty could not cure our husbands of alcoholism. We do not like the thought that the contents of a book or the work of another alcoholic has accomplished in a few weeks that for which we struggled for years. At such moments we forget that alcoholism is an illness over which we could not possibly have had any power. Your husband will be the first to say it was your devotion and care which brought him to the point where he could have a spiritual experience. Without you he would have gone to pieces long ago. When resentful thoughts come, try to pause and count your blessings. After all, your family is reunited, alcohol is no longer a problem and you and your husband are working together toward an undreamed of future.

Still another difficulty is that you may become jealous of the attention he bestows on other people, especially alcoholics. You have been starving for his companionship, yet he spends long hours helping other men and their families. You feel he should now be yours. The fact is that he should work with other people to maintain his own sobriety. Sometimes he will be so interested that he becomes really neglectful. Your house is filled with strangers. You may not like some of them. He gets stirred up about their troubles, but not at all about yours. It will do little good if you point that out and urge more attention on for yourself. WE find it a real mistake to dampen his enthusiasm for alcoholic work. You should join in his efforts as much as you possibly can. We suggest that you direct some of your thoughts to the wives of his new alcoholic friends. They need the counsel and love of a woman who has gone through what you have.

It is probably true that you and your husband have been living too much alone, for drinking many times isolates the wife of an alcoholic. Therefore, you probably need fresh interests and a great cause to live for as much as your husband. If you cooperate, rather than complain, you will find that his excess enthusiasm will tone down. Both of you will awaken to a new sense of responsibility for others. You, as well as your husband, ought to think of what you can put into life instead of what you can take out. Inevitably your lives will be fuller for doing so. You will lose the old life to find one much better.

Perhaps your husband will make a fair start on the new basis, but just as things are going beautifully he dismays you by coming home drunk. If you are satisfied that he really wants to get over drinking, you need not be alarmed. Though it is infinitely better to that he have no relapse at all, as has been true with many of our men, it is by no means a bad thing in some cases. Your husband will see at once that he must redouble his spiritual activities if he expects to survive. You need not remind him of his spiritual deficiency he will know of it. Cheer him up and ask him how you can be more helpful.

The slightest sign of fear or intolerance may lessen your husband's chance of recovery. In a weak moment he may take your dislike of his high stepping friends as one of those insanely trivial excuses to drink.

We never, never try to arrange a man's life so as to shield him from temptation. The slightest disposition on your part to guide his appointments or his affairs so he will not be tempted will be noticed. Make him absolutely free to come and go as he likes. This is important. If he gets drunk, don't blame yourself. God has either removed your husband's liquor problem or He has not. If not, it had better be found out right away. Then you and your husband can get right down to fundamentals. If a repetition is to be prevented, place the problem, along with everything else, in God's hands.

We realize that we have been giving you much direction and advice. We may have seemed to lecture. If that is so, we are sorry, for we ourselves don't always care for people who lecture us. But what we have related is based upon experience, some of it painful. We had to learn these things the hard way. That is why we are anxious that you understand, and that you avoid these unnecessary difficulties.

So to you out there who may soon be with us we say "Good luck and God bless you!"

NOTE TO CHAPTER 8 The fellowship of AlAnon Family Groups was formed about thirteen years after this chapter was written. Though it is entirely separate from Alcoholics Anonymous, it uses the general principles of the A. A. program as a guide for husbands, wives, relatives, friends and others close to alcoholics. The foregoing pages (though addressed only to wives) indicate the problems such people may face. Alateen, for teenaged children of alcoholics is a part of AlAnon.

If there is no AlAnon listing in your local telephone book, you may obtain further information on AlAnon Family Groups by writing to its World Service Office: Box 862, Midtown Station, New York, NY 100180862.

next: The Family Afterward
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sexual fantasies

New York Times Syndicate - December 30, 1999

I know that some of the visitors to HealthyPlace.com suffer from chronic pain. I thought this might be interesting.

Thinking about a favorite sexual fantasy may increase one's pain tolerance, according to new research.

Researchers led by Dr. Peter Staats, director of the division of pain medicine at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine in Baltimore, studied the effects of a positive emotional response on pain. Forty college students were asked to put one of their hands in ice water, keeping it there until they could no longer stand the pain.

The students were then randomly assigned to four groups. They were either told to think about a preferred sexual fantasy with their favorite partner, a non-preferred sexual fantasy, or a neutral fantasy, such as people walking. The fourth group was not given any specific instructions. All of the students then placed their hands in ice water for a second time. The researchers measured mood, worry and pain during both immersions.

The scientists found that the students in the preferred-sexual-fantasy group were able to keep their hands in the ice water over twice as long as those in the other groups (three minutes compared to a little over one minute).

"Whether patients think positive thoughts themselves or whether you say positive things to them, it will have an impact on their response to pain," Staats said.

The results of the study were presented at the 18th Annual Scientific Meeting of the American Pain Society (www.ampainsoc.org), held in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., on October 23.

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Because students in the preferred fantasy group were able to tolerate pain better than the non-preferred fantasy group, the researchers concluded that respecting patients' choice and preference while designing pain intervention programs may reduce pain.

"What this study points out is the power of emotion in treating patients," Staats said. Staats's father, Arthur, emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Hawaii at Manoa and a coauthor of the study, also performed research on the relationship between emotion and behavior in the past.

This new study supports the contention that if someone in pain is exposed to other causes of negative emotion, the pain will feel worse. Conversely, if pain is coupled with things that cause positive feelings, the pain will seem to be decreased.

"Before 1950, physicians used the power of suggestion as a major mode of treatment," Staats said. "Now we're so pressed for time that we don't always have a chance to really converse with patients, to listen to their fears and anxieties. The beside manner what is said to the patient is important."

(The Medical Tribune Web site is at http://medicaltribune.net/) c. 1999 Medical PressCorps News Service

next: Exercises to Rekindle Sexual Desire

How do you know if your child may be addicted to the Internet? Many parents at least ask their children how much time they're spending on the Internet. Trouble is, most kids are apt to lie, especially if they're already addicted. If the computer is in their room, you have no way of knowing the truth. The following test may help you determine if you are dealing with Internet addiction in your home. It will be helpful to only consider the time your child uses the Internet for non-academic related purposes when answering.

Please answer the following questions using this scale:

1 = Not Applicable or Rarely.
2 = Occasionally.
3 = Frequently.
4 = Often.
5 = Always.

1. How often does your child disobey time limits you set for on-line use?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

2. How often does your child neglect household chores to spend more time on-line?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

3. How often does your child prefer to spend time on-line rather than with the rest of your family?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

4. How often does your child form new relationships with fellow on-line users?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

5. How often do you complain about the amount of time your child spends on-line?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

6. How often do your child's grades suffer because of the amount of time he or she spends on-line?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

7. How often does your child check his or her e-mail before doing something else?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

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8. How often does your child seem withdrawn from others since discovering the Internet?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

9. How often does your child become defensive or secretive when asked what he or she does on-line?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

10. How often have you caught your child sneaking on-line against your wishes?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

11. How often does your child spend time alone in his or her room playing on the computer?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

12. How often does your child receive strange phone calls from new "on-line" friends?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

13. How often does your child snap, yell, or act annoyed if bothered while on-line?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

14. How often does your child seem more tired and fatigued than he or she did before the Internet came along?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

15. How often does your child seem preoccupied with being back on-line when off-line?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

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16. How often does your child throw tantrums with your interference about how long he or she spends on-line?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

17. How often has your child choose to spend time on-line rather than doing once enjoyed hobbies and/or outside interests?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

18. How often does your child become angry or belligerent when you place time limits on how much time he or she is allowed to spend on-line?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

19. How often does your child choose to spend more time on-line than going out with friends?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

20. How often does your child feel depressed, moody, or nervous when off-line which seems to goes away once back on-line?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

Your Score:

After you've answered all the questions, add the numbers you selected for each response to obtain a final score. The higher the score, the greater the level of your child's Internet addiction. Here's a general scale to help measure the score:

20 - 49 points: Your child is an average on-line user. He or she may surf the Web a bit too long at times, but seems to have control of their usage.

50 - 79 points: Your child seems to be experiencing occasional to frequent problems because of the Internet. You should consider the full impact of the Internet on your child's life and how this has impacted the rest of your family.

80 - 100 points: Internet usage is causing significant problems in your child's life and most likely your family. You need to address these problems now.

If your child has scored too high for your comfort, please refer to:

Caught in the Net - to learn effective ways that parents can cope with on-line pedophiles, cyberporn, and Internet addiction.

Our Virtual Clinic - for immediate consultation on how to help your situation.

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next: Test for Spouses/Partners of Internet Addicts
~ all center for online addiction articles
~ all articles on addictions

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he would control and enjoy his drinking is the greatest obsession of every abnormal drinker. There persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals usually brief were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.

We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing as making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet.

Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right about face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!

Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums we could increase the list infinitum.

We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get full knowledge of your condition.

Though there is no way of proving it, we believe that early in our drinking careers most of us could have stopped drinking. But the difficulty is that few alcoholics have enough desire to stop while there is yet time. We have heard of a few instances where people, who showed definite signs of alcoholism, were able to stop for a long period because of an overpowering desire to do so. Here is one.

A man of thirty was doing a great deal of spree drinking. He was very nervous in the morning after these bouts and he quieted himself with more liquor. He was ambitious to succeed in business, but saw that he would get nowhere if he drank at all. Once he started, he had no control whatever. He made up his mind that until he had been successful in business and had retired, he would not touch another drop. An exceptional man, he remained bone dry for twenty-five years and retired at the age of fifty five, after a successful and happy business career. Then he fell victim to a belief which practically every alcoholic has that his long period of sobriety and self-discipline had qualified him to drink as other men. Out came his carpet slippers and a bottle. In two months he was in a hospital, puzzled and humiliated. He tried to regulate his drinking for a while, making several trips to the hospital meantime. Then, gathering all his forces, he attempted to stop altogether and found he could not. Every means of solving his problem which money could buy was at his disposal. Every attempt failed. Though a robust man at retirement, he went to pieces quickly and was dead within four years.

This case contains a powerful lesson. Most of us have believed that if we remained sober for a long stretch, we could thereafter drink normally. But here is a man who at fifty-five years found he was just where he had left off at thirty. We have seen the truth demonstrated again and again: "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic." Commencing to drink after a period sobriety, we are in a short time as bad as ever. If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol.

Young people may be encouraged by this man's experience to think that they can stop, as he did, on their own will power. We doubt if many of them can do it, because none will really want to stop, and hardly one of them, because of the peculiar mental twist already acquired, will find he can win out. Several of our crowd, men of thirty or less, had been drinking only a few years, but they found themselves as helpless as those who had been drinking twenty years.

---

To be gravely affected, one does not necessarily have to drink for a long time nor take the quantities some of us have. This is particularly true of women. Potential female alcoholics often turn into the real thing and are gone beyond recall in a few years. Certain drinking, who would be greatly insulted if called alcoholics, are astonished at their inability to stop. We who are familiar with the symptoms, see large numbers of potential alcoholics among young people everywhere. But try and get them to see it! (*) (*) True when this book was first published. But a 1983 U. S. / Canada membership survey showed about one fifth of A.A.'s were 30 and under.

As we look back, we feel we had gone on drinking many years beyond the point where we could quit on our own will power. If anyone questions whether he has entered this dangerous area, let him try leaving liquor alone for one year. If he is a real alcoholic and very far advanced, there is scant chance of success. In the early days of our drinking we occasionally remained sober for a year or more, becoming serious drinkers again later. Though you may be able to stop for a considerable period, you may yet be a potential alcoholic. We think few, to whom this book will appeal, can stay dry anything like a year. Some with be drunk the day after making their resolutions; most of them within a few weeks.

For those who are unable to drink moderately the question is how to stop altogether. We are assuming, of course, that the reader desires to stop. Whether such a person can quit upon a non-spiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not. Many of us felt that we had plenty of character. There was a tremendous urge to cease forever. Yet we found it impossible. This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity of the wish.

How then shall we hell our readers determine, to their own satisfaction, whether they are one of us? The experiment of quitting for a period of time will be helpful, but we think we can render an even greater service to alcoholic sufferers and perhaps to the medical fraternity. So we shall describe some of the mental states that precede a relapse into drinking, for obviously this is the crux of the problem.

What sort of thinking dominates an alcoholic who repeats time after time the desperate experiment of the first drink? Friends have reasoned with him after a spree which has brought him to the point of divorce or bankruptcy are mystified when he walks directly into a saloon. Why does he? Of what is he thinking?

Our first example is a friend we shall call Jim. This man has a charming wife and family. He inherited a lucrative automobile agency. He had a commendable World War record. He is a good salesman. Everyone likes him. He is an intelligent man, normal so far as we can see, except for a nervous disposition. He did no drinking until he was thirty-five. In a few years he became so violent when intoxicated that he had to be committed. On leaving the asylum, he came into contact with us.

We told him what we knew of alcoholism and the answer we had found. He made a beginning. His family was reassembled, and he began to work as a salesman for the business he had lost through drinking. All went well for a time, but he failed to enlarge his spiritual life. To his consternation, he found himself drunk half a dozen times in rapid succession. On each of these occasions we worked with him, reviewing carefully what had happened. He agreed he was a real alcoholic and in serious condition. He knew he faced another trip to the asylum if he kept on. Moreover, he would lose his family for whom he had a deep affection.

Yet he got drunk again. We asked him to tell us exactly how it happened. This is his story: "I came to work on Tuesday morning. I remember I felt irritated that I had to be a salesman for a concern I once owned. I had a few words with the boss, but nothing serious. Then I decided to drive into the country and see one of my prospects for a car. On the way I felt hungry so I stopped at a roadside place where they have a bar. I had no intention of drinking. I just thought I'd get a sandwich. I also had the notion that I might find a customer for a car at this place, which was familiar for I had been going to it for years. I had eaten there many times during the months I was sober. I sat down at a table and ordered a sandwich and a glad of milk. Still no thought of drinking. I ordered another sandwich and decided to have another glass of milk.

"Suddenly the thought crossed my mind that if I were to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk, it couldn't hurt me on a full stomach. I ordered a whiskey and poured it into the mild. I vaguely sensed I was not being any too smart, but felt reassured as I was taking the whiskey on a full stomach. The experiment went so well, I ordered another whiskey and poured it into more milk. That didn't seem to bother me so I tried another."

Thus started one more journey to the asylum for Jim. Here was the threat of commitment, the loss of family and position, to say nothing of that intense mental and physical suffering which drinking always caused him. He had much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic. Yet all reasons for not drinking were easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea that he could take whiskey if only he mixed it with milk!

Whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity. How can such a lack of proportion, of the ability to think straight, be called anything else?

---

You may think this an extreme case. To us it is not far fetched, for this kind of thinking has been characteristic of every single one of us. We have sometimes reflected more than Jim did upon the consequences. But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitable ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. Next day we would ask ourselves, in all earnestness and sincerity, how it could have happened.

In some circumstances we have gone out deliberately to get drunk, feeling ourselves justified by the nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or the like. But even in this type of beginning we are obliged to admit that our justification for a spree was insanely insufficient in the light of what always happened. We now see that when we begin to drink deliberately, instead of casually, there was little serious or effective thought during the period of premeditation of what the terrific consequences might be.

Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jaywalking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point you could label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jaywalking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs.

On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is help up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jaywalking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn't he?

You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted alcoholism for jaywalking, the illustration would fit us exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane. Its strong language but isn't it true?

Some of you are thinking: "Yes, what you tell us is true, but it doesn't fully apply. We admit we have some of these symptoms, but we have not gone to the extremes you fellows did, nor are we likely to, for we understand ourselves so well after what you have told us that such things cannot happen again. We have not lost everything in life through drinking and we certainly do not intend to. Thanks for the information."

That may be true of certain nonalcoholic people who, through drinking foolishly and heavily at the present time, are able to stop or moderate, because their brains and bodies have not been damaged as ours were. But the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly an expectation, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. This is a point we wish to emphasize and reemphasize, to smash home upon our alcoholic readers as it has been revealed to us out of bitter experience. Let us take another illustration.

Fred is a partner in a well known accounting firm. His income is good, he has a fine home, is happily married and the father of promising children of college age. He has so attractive a personality that he makes friends with everyone, If ever there was a successful businessman, it is Fred. To all appearance he is a stable, well balanced individual. Yet he is an alcoholic. We first saw Fred about a year ago in a hospital where he had gone to recover from a bad case of jitters. It was his first experience of this kind, and he was much ashamed of it. Far from admitting he was an alcoholic, he told himself he came to the hospital to rest his nerves. The doctor intimated strongly that he might be worse than he realized. For a few days he was depressed about his condition. He made up his mind to quit drinking altogether. It never occurred to him that perhaps he could not do so, in spite of his character and standing. Fred would not believe himself an alcoholic, much less accept a spiritual remedy for his problem. We told him what we knew about alcoholism. He was interested and conceded that he had some of the symptoms, but he was a long way from admitting that he could do nothing about it himself. He was positive that this humiliating experience, plus the knowledge he had acquired, would keep him sober the rest of his life. Self knowledge would fix it.

You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted alcoholism for jaywalking, the illustration would fit us exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane. Its strong language but isn't it true?

Some of you are thinking: "Yes, what you tell us is true, but it doesn't fully apply. We admit we have some of these symptoms, but we have not gone to the extremes you fellows did, nor are we likely to, for we understand ourselves so well after what you have told us that such things cannot happen again. We have not lost everything in life through drinking and we certainly do not intend to. Thanks for the information."

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That may be true of certain nonalcoholic people who, through drinking foolishly and heavily at the present time, are able to stop or moderate, because their brains and bodies have not been damaged as ours were. But the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly an expectation, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. This is a point we wish to emphasize and reemphasize, to smash home upon our alcoholic readers as it has been revealed to us out of bitter experience. Let us take another illustration.

Fred is a partner in a well known accounting firm. His income is good, he has a fine home, is happily married and the father of promising children of college age. He has so attractive a personality that he makes friends with everyone, If ever there was a successful businessman, it is Fred. To all appearance he is a stable, well balanced individual. Yet he is an alcoholic. We first saw Fred about a year ago in a hospital where he had gone to recover from a bad case of jitters. It was his first experience of this kind, and he was much ashamed of it. Far from admitting he was an alcoholic, he told himself he came to the hospital to rest his nerves. The doctor intimated strongly that he might be worse than he realized. For a few days he was depressed about his condition. He made up his mind to quit drinking altogether. It never occurred to him that perhaps he could not do so, in spite of his character and standing. Fred would not believe himself an alcoholic, much less accept a spiritual remedy for his problem. We told him what we knew about alcoholism. He was interested and conceded that he had some of the symptoms, but he was a long way from admitting that he could do nothing about it himself. He was positive that this humiliating experience, plus the knowledge he had acquired, would keep him sober the rest of his life. Self knowledge would fix it.

"Two of the members of Alcoholics Anonymous came to see me. They grinned, which I didn't like so much, and then asked me if I thought myself alcoholic and if I were really licked this time. I had to concede both propositions. They piled on me heaps of evidence to the effect that an alcoholic mentality, such as I had exhibited in Washington, was a hopeless condition. They cited cases out of their own experience by the dozen. This process snuffed out the last flicker of conviction that I could do the job myself.

"Then they outlined the spiritual answer and program of action which a hundred of them had followed successfully. Though I had been only a nominal churchman, their proposals were not, intellectually, hard to swallow. But the program of action, though entirely sensible, was pretty drastic. It meant I would have to throw several lifelong conceptions out the window. That was not easy. But the moment I made up my mind to go though with the process, I had the curious feeling that my alcoholic condition was relieved, as in fact it proved to be.

"Quite as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would solve all my problems. I have since been brought into a way of living infinitely more satisfying and, I hope, more useful than the life I lived before. My old manner of life was by no means a bad one, but I would not exchange its best moments for the worst I have now. I would not go back to it even if I could."

Fred's story speaks for itself. We hope it strikes home to thousands like him. He had felt only the first nip of the wringer. Most alcoholics have to be pretty badly mangled before they really commence to solve their problems.

Many doctors and psychiatrists agree with our conclusions. One of these men, staff member of a world renowned hospital, recently made this statement to some of us: "What you say about the general hopelessness of the average alcoholic's plight is, in my opinion, correct. As to two of you men, whose stories I have heard, there is no doubt in my mind that you were 100% hopeless, apart from divine help. Had you offered yourselves as patients at this hospital, I would not have taken you, if I had been able to avoid it. People like you are too heartbreaking. Though not a religious person, I have profound respect for the spiritual approach in such cases as yours. For most cases, there is virtually no other solution."

Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense much come from a Higher Power.

next: We Agnostics
~ all Big Book articles
~ addictions library articles
~ all addictions articles

How do you know if you're already addicted to the Internet or rapidly tumbling toward trouble? Everyone's situation is different, and it's not simply a matter of time spent online. Some people indicate they are addicted with only twenty hours of Internet use, while others who spent forty hours on-line insist it is not a problem to them. It's more important to measure the damage your Internet use causes in your life. What conflicts have emerged in family, relationships, work, or school?

Let's find out. Parts of the following guide are contained in my book, Caught in the Net. This is a simple exercise to help you in two ways: (1) If you already know or strongly believe you are addicted to the Internet, this guide will assist you in identifying the areas in your life most impacted by your excessive Net use; and (2) If you're not sure whether you're addicted or not, this will help determine the answer and begin to assess the damage done. Remember when answering, only consider the time you spent on-line for non-academic or non-job related purposes.

To assess your level of addiction, answer the following questions using this scale:

1 = Not Applicable or Rarely.
2 = Occasionally.
3 = Frequently.
4 = Often.
5 = Always.

1. How often do you find that you stay on-line longer than you intended?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

2. How often do you neglect household chores to spend more time on-line?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

3. How often do you prefer the excitement of the Internet to intimacy with your partner?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

4. How often do you form new relationships with fellow online users?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

5. How often do others in your life complain to you about the amount of time you spend online?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

6. How often do your grades or school work suffer because of the amount of time you spend on-line?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

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7. How often do you check your e-mail before something else that you need to do?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 =Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

8. How often does your job performance or productivity suffer because of the Internet?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

9. How often do you become defensive or secretive when anyone asks you what you do on-line?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

10. How often do you block out disturbing thoughts about your life with soothing thoughts of the Internet?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

11. How often do you find yourself anticipating when you will go on-line again?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

12. How often do you fear that life without the Internet would be boring, empty, and joyless?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

13. How often do you snap, yell, or act annoyed if someone bothers you while you are on-line?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

14. How often do you lose sleep due to late-night log-ins?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

15. How often do you feel preoccupied with the Internet when off-line, or fantasize about being on-line?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

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16. How often do you find yourself saying "just a few more minutes" when on-line?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

17. How often do you try to cut down the amount of time you spend on-line and fail?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

18. How often do you try to hide how long you've been on-line?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

19. How often do you choose to spend more time on-line over going out with others?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

20. How often do you feel depressed, moody, or nervous when you are off-line, which goes away once you are back on-line?

1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

Your Score:

After you've answered all the questions, add the numbers you selected for each response to obtain a final score. The higher your score, the greater your level of Internet addiction and the problems your Internet usage causes. Here's a general scale to help measure your score:

20 - 49 points: You are an average on-line user. You may surf the Web a bit too long at times, but you have control over your usage.

50 -79 points: You are experiencing occasional or frequent problems because of the Internet. You should consider their full impact on your life.

80 - 100 points: Your Internet usage is causing significant problems in your life. You should evaluate the impact of the Internet on your life and address the problems directly caused by your Internet usage. (more about internet addiction and treatment of internet addiction)

After you have identified the category that fits your total score, look back at those questions for which your scored a 4 or 5. Did you realize this was a significant problem for you? For example, if you answered 4 (often) to Question #2 regarding your neglect of household chores, were you aware of just how often your dirty laundry piles up or how empty the refrigerator gets?

Say you answered 5 (always) to Question #14 about lost sleep due to late-night log-ins. Have you ever stopped to think about how hard it has become to drag yourself out of bed every morning? Do you feel exhausted at work? Has this pattern begun to take its toll on your body and your overall health?

Has your relationship been hurt because of Internet addiction or a cyberaffair? Then read our exclusive new booklet, Infidelity Online: An Effective Guide to Rebuild your Relationship after a Cyberaffair.

Caught in the Net to find the help you need. This book outlines the trauma of being a cyberwidow and shows you proven strategies on how to communicate with your partner to save your relationship.

Visit our Virtual Clinic which provides direct and affordable on-line counseling. For less than the cost of one therapy session, you can receive compassionate, knowledgeable, and high quality service to treat Internet addiction. Click here to order the book, Caught in the Net

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next: Are You an Obsessive Online Trader?
~ all center for online addiction articles
~ all articles on addictions

• Watch the video on: Narcissists Enjoy Other People's Pain

Most narcissists enjoy an irrational and brief burst of relief after having suffered emotionally ("narcissistic injury") or after having sustained a loss. It is a sense of freedom, which comes with being unshackled. Having lost everything, the narcissist often feels that he has found himself, that he has been re-born, that he has been charged with natal energy, able to take on new challenges and to explore new territories. This elation is so addictive, that the narcissist often seeks pain, humiliation, punishment, scorn, and contempt - as long as they are public and involve the attention of peers and superiors. Being punished accords with the tormenting inner voices of the narcissist which keep telling him that he is bad, corrupt, and worthy of penalty.

This is the masochistic streak in the narcissist. But the narcissist is also a sadist - albeit an unusual one.

The narcissist inflicts pain and abuse on others. He devalues sources of supply, callously and off-handedly abandons them, and discards people, places, partnerships, and friendships unhesitatingly. Some narcissists - though by no means the majority - actually ENJOY abusing, taunting, tormenting, and freakishly controlling others ("gaslighting"). But most of them do these things absentmindedly, automatically, and, often, even without good reason.

What is unusual about the narcissist's sadistic behaviours - premeditated acts of tormenting others while enjoying their anguished reactions - is that they are goal orientated. "Pure" sadists have no goal in mind except the pursuit of pleasure - pain as an art form (remember the Marquis de Sade?). The narcissist, on the other hand, haunts and hunts his victims for a reason - he wants them to reflect his inner state. It is all part of a mechanism called "Projective Identification".

When the narcissist is angry, unhappy, disappointed, injured, or hurt - he feels unable to express his emotions sincerely and openly since to do so would be to admit his frailty, his neediness, and his weaknesses. He deplores his own humanity - his emotions, his vulnerability, his susceptibility, his gullibility, his inadequacies, and his failures. So, he makes use of other people to express his pain and his frustration, his pent up anger and his aggression. He achieves this by mentally torturing other people to the point of madness, by driving them to violence, by reducing them to scar tissue in search of outlet, closure, and, sometimes, revenge. He forces people to lose their own character traits - and adopt his own instead. In reaction to his constant and well-targeted abuse, they become abusive, vengeful, ruthless, lacking empathy, obsessed, and aggressive. They mirror him faithfully and thus relieve him of the need to express himself directly.

 

Having constructed this writhing hall of human mirrors, the narcissist withdraws. The goal achieved, he lets go. As opposed to the sadist, he is no in it, indefinitely, for the pleasure of it. He abuses and traumatizes, humiliates and abandons, discards and ignores, insults and provokes - only for the purpose of purging his inner demons. By possessing others, he purifies himself, cathartically, and exorcises his demented self.

This accomplished, he acts almost with remorse. An episode of extreme abuse is followed by an act of great care and by mellifluous apologies. The narcissistic pendulum swings between the extremes of torturing others and empathically soothing the resulting pain. This incongruous behaviour, these "sudden" shifts between sadism and altruism, abuse and "love", ignoring and caring, abandoning and clinging, viciousness and remorse, the harsh and the tender - are, perhaps, the most difficult to comprehend and to accept. These swings produce in people around the narcissist emotional insecurity, an eroded sense of self worth, fear, stress, and anxiety ("walking on eggshells"). Gradually, emotional paralysis ensues and they come to occupy the same emotional wasteland inhabited by the narcissist, his prisoners and hostages in more ways than one - and even when he is long out of their life

 

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next: The Weapon of Language