Child's Mental Illness Can Make Your Marriage Sick, Too

I have spent appx 35 years in a relationship with my wife and two adult (now) children with significant psych problems who have developed major meth addictions. I am worried for our and their safety. The "system" has failed them in particular and us in general. I do not know what to do anymore.

I am happy I found this story but also very frightened. My second husband and I have been married for 2 years now. We have three kids between us. My daughter (the eldest) has started complaining of depression and anxiety. My husband says there is no such thing and she won't "have the guts to commit suicide". Having a schizophrenic mother, I know that mental illness is real and not understood. I love my husband deeply but this disagreement over how I should be "correctly handling" my child resulted in him calling my family "mad" recently and myself as "stupid, blind, and brainless" because I could not see "reality" and "my parenting approach is not working". I am so crushed! I cannot get his words out of my mind. They were very cruel and worse, even if I decide to ignore his words, what happens if my child does not get better soon? How soon is soon? She has just assented to taking medication but we have no idea if it will work. I am very depressed because I feel let down by my husband, whom I have always supported with all my heart when the chips have been down for him. I don't think he'd come to therapy with us/me because he believes that if he did not get mentally ill despite all his life's woes, no one else can or should either.

In 2016 I met my husband, Justin. While performing onstage at a festival, I spotted a few of my high school friends sitting in the audience. A man sitting with them that I didn’t recognize, stood up and grabbed the hand of his small son and hurriedly walked away from the stage. (It was a comedy show, not the most appropriate for children although many parents brought kids of all ages.) The moment I saw this man-Justin, I felt the most intense magnetism I have ever experienced. The performance was my last set of the day, so when my friends approached me after the show I was able to run around the festival with the group.
After some hugs and catching up with my buds, Justin introduced himself and his son, Tyler.
Justin! Tyler! Who are you?! I needed to know.
In these first steps, I joined arms with my friends and escorted the group around the festival chatting with everyone, being careful not to make my attraction and curiosity obvious. A couple immediate and obvious thoughts presented (inner dialogue): He has a son… is he married? Is he in a relationship? Be cool. Do this right.
Naturally, I waited for a moment alone with our mutual friend to ask if Justin was married. To which he responded, “he is not”. Ok…. so “does he have a girlfriend?” Answer, “he does not”.
RUSH, excitement, giddiness! I had never felt these to this degree simply meeting a person in my adult life.
Thereafter, I spent a few hours with the group. I held Tyler’s hand and felt a completeness, more “whole” while amusing, caring for and simply walking with him. He was just 4 years old then, rambunctious and full of energy. (What kid isn’t at a festival?)
Unsure of how to approach Justin directly to express my interest, I waited until the closing ceremony. Fireworks. When I chose to sit directly next to Justin, I could see the surprise on his face. His eyebrows raised, he sat up straight, and smiled.
Tyler was sitting just in front of us, bouncing and clapping, observing the show. Having seen the fireworks show many times, I carefully developed the conversation within the allotted 45 minute window… Tell me about your son. How do you know these guys (our mutual friends)? As it turned out, we barely missed each other dozens of times, 18 YEARS in orbit of one another. Finally, we were occupying the same space and enthralled in beautifully flowing conversation. We were shooting off sparks in every direction, mirroring the fireworks above.
Just as the “actual” fireworks were about to end, I worked up the courage to ask, “Do you have a girlfriend?” He blushed, and said “no”. Which led to my follow up question… “do you want one?” He laughed, reached for my hand and said “yes”. We immediately exchanged phone numbers.
It was time to say goodbye but I wanted to, needed to, absorb every second. As we made our way to the festival gate, Justin and I walked a couple paces behind our friends, with Tyler sitting on our friend’s shoulders. In this brief moment, out of view, Justin and I kissed. At the gate, I hugged goodbye to the rest of the group.
Skipping , giggling… I went back to my dressing room, feeling the rush of beautiful possibilities. Excited by the chance to develop a relationship with him and his son. I was not naïve. I considered the delicacy of dating someone with a child and how to approach the situation with respect and patience. Justin and I text throughout that first night after they left, and for days and days after. Asking, learning, sharing.
Two weeks later, we went on our first date and have been together ever since.
During the date we explored each other’s lives, and quickly developed a tight bond. I asked him how long he had been separated from his Ex-girlfriend. He told me they were never married, but together 4ish years. He had moved out of their shared apartment 8 months prior (to meeting me). He also shared that they were not intimate during the entire last year they cohabitated.
For the first year of our relationship, he lived with a roommate, (as did I) but Justin would stay at my house nearly 100% of the time that he did not have Tyler. When he did, I met them on weekends during the day, going to parks, pools, restaurants etc. I had dinner at his place with them often, but still allowed much one-one one time for the two of them. Tyler was kind to me, and seemed to find me fascinating, comforting and fun. He liked my performances (the family friendly shows) and bonded with me in a love of science (my day job). He was always excited to see me, and I enjoyed the maternal beginnings of this new relationship with him.
Sadly, it did not take long for the cracks to show… I began to notice that Tyler had some serious issues with defiance. With or without me present, he would throw terrible tantrums. Tantrums related to anything and everything. Food, clothes, getting in his car seat etc. At first, I chalked this up to normal toddler behavior, but the tantrums and defiance seemed more intense and frequent than other children. True, I am/was not a biological mother, but I as the eldest of my siblings (4 total) and cousins (5), I was the babysitter, teacher, guide. I practically raised my younger brother, who was no cakewalk, (extreme ADHD). I do want to be a mother, someday.
I’d dated two men with children previously, although those children were above 5 years old. Those children seemed well adjusted and did not exhibit excessive behavioral issues. Ultimately, I ended those relationships simply because I was not “in love” with their fathers. We still keep in touch and I think of them fondly. Even with this (I realize limited experience), I still felt something was “off” about Tyler.
About 6 months into our relationship, we first our had a “sleepover”, (with me in the mix). First at Justin’s apartment, then at my townhome. We slept in the same room, with Tyler on a cot or blow up mattress. This was carefully thought through. Tyler was 4 and slept with Justin in his bed every night. In preparation for weaning Tyler a bit, I suggested that he get a cot/ or small bed for Tyler to place next to his bed. He lived with a roommate and there were only two bedrooms, so locating him in another room was not an option. He did this, but of course Tyler would crawl back onto Justin’s bed most of the time. It took time to get him to rest in his own cot. Once that was achieved, we planned the first sleepover. We talked to Tyler about it, and he was excited. Justin and I laid on the bed, and Tyler on the cot. Within an hour though, Tyler was in the bed between us. I was not sure if this was “right”, but I remained calm and the night passed without event. I discussed with Justin that I was not sure if this was an appropriate arrangement, and that Tyler’s mother should also be aware. (She was dating a man she is now married to, and already allowing him to sleep in the same bed with them). It is worth noting that Tyler had his own room at his mother’s house, which he also refused to sleep in.
We slept in this arrangement perhaps 4 or 5 times, alternating between my house or his. By that time, Tyler was 5 and I felt he needed to be in his own bed whether or not I was present. This was a difficult concept for Justin to grasp and enforce. Our attempts were met with awful, BLOOD CURDLING, screaming tantrums. So, I decided that we should put these sleepovers on hiatus. I figured we needed to step back and approach this integration in a different way. Justin and I were already planning on the two of them moving in “formally”, and we hoped to acclimate Tyler slowly. It was a year and two months into our relationship, (and a MONTH after we were married), that Justin and Tyler “formally” moved into my home. Of course, my roommate moved out. Tyler now had his own room with hundreds of toys, a large bed and oodles of love and attention.
Night after night he would wail and scream, run to our room (which was a loft with no door) refusing to sleep in his own bed. We set up sheets, pillows and blankets on the couch, which was merely 15 feet beneath us, with only half of a wall covering the front of the bedroom. We were quite literally in the same space. Still, Tyler refused to accept this. We tried not to give in, but without a door to our bedroom, he would simply run up and scream. Inevitably each night, Justin would leave and sleep with Tyler in his bed. Justin could not see that a year and two months into our relationship, it was now necessary for Tyler to be weaned from this, and to learn to sleep alone.
Anytime Tyler acted out Justin would allow his fits, often providing only a “don’t do that” tacit response with zero consequence. A few times though, he spanked him. I personally do not believe in corporal punishment. Whatever the instance, Tyler was rarely punished appropriately or proportionately to his actions. He could still play with his iPad, toys and watch shows. He was still treated to amusement parks, random gifts, and coddling. I had to coach Justin into appropriate punishments, appropriate communication and in general how to control Tyler’s aberrant and attention seeking behavior. I suggested removal of entertainment and discussing the consequences. I told him to offer positive feedback when Tyler was good, and to set goals for him and celebrate when he met them. As much of this seemed common sense to me, it was always a struggle or fight to get my husband to see that he was not handling his son well. He slowly took my advice, and Tyler’s behavior improved. Yet when a new situation would arise, my perspective and advice was instantly met with hostility, dismissal.. denial.
As time went on, Tyler’s acts of defiance and cruelty intensified. This was not just within our home. Tyler was throwing fits and massively disrespecting his Mother. Hitting her, throwing things, demoralizing and demeaning her. Hard to imagine a child capable of this so young, but he was and is. I became aware that Tyler’s defiance and almost Machiavellian nature began many months before other partners came into the equation. Tyler said he wanted to kill his step-father, and said so before (and after) he and Tyler’s Mom were married.
Tyler was difficult in school, disrespecting teachers, hitting students, throwing chairs. He was completely out of control, choking a child in the bathroom, exposing himself on the playground, SMILING about it. He was cruel to animals, stretching and throwing and squeezing cats. Chasing and terrorizing them. At 6 and a half he was still screaming at this father, demanding him to come to the bathroom and wipe his ass. I told my husband that I felt it was time for his son to perform this on his own. After many disagreements and struggles, Justin finally agreed. This took time, conviction, commitment. I had to lead the “charge”. Standing outside the door, telling Tyler, ”You can do it! Front to back, ball it up! Courtesy flush! Good work!”
Tyler was defiant. Justin was acquiescent. Or is it the other way around…? In any case, Tyler now knows how to wipe his own ass.
He refused to learn to tie his shoes and he refused to learn to read. For these basic skills, I was the predominant enforcer, teacher, guide, muse? Both my husband and step-son seemed equally defiant. Tyler to learning and independence, Justin to guidance, enforcement and recognition of ???.
I mentioned to Justin that I thought Tyler might have a behavioral disorder (even before we were married), and perhaps he should look into therapy. This was met with anger, denial and dismissal. Tyler’s bad behavior continued, at both homes and at school. There were good days, sometimes a good week. Much of the time was occupied by tirades, disturbing behavior and feeble parental response.
Needing to understand and to help all of us, I began to do research on what might explain his behavior. Including our current actions, our past, his parents’ past and break up. I feverishly read about conditions which matched Tyler’s behavior.
After a couple months, I found this match. Tyler exhibited traits of ODD, (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). He literally checked every box. When delicately sharing articles and resources on the condition with Justin, I was again met with anger and resistance. It was 10 MONTHS after I shared this information with Justin and his ex-girlfriend, to the time when Tyler was properly psychologically evaluated. I was not present for this visit. To my knowledge, Tyler’s parent’s did not mention ODD as a possible diagnosis. So hopefully, epidemiology functioned without any of my influence or bias.
He was indeed diagnosed with ODD by the pediatric psychiatrist. If you have read about this condition, you know it’s horrific. Untreated, it can turn to Conduct Disorder, which can turn to Sociopathy. Treatment does not involve medication, but intricate behavioral therapy hinging upon complete coordination among the therapist, teachers, parents and child. Still, ODD is an extremely challenging condition to correct, or “cure”, if there is one. I am still hopeful.
But hope can wax and wane. Tyler often showed a lack of empathy. It was hard to tell if his “I love you”, and couch cuddles were genuine expressions of love and empathy, or something else… He created bizarre lies, for the thrill of telling them. He would say hurtful things, for the sake of hurting. He once told my Mother, “I like hurting people.” My Mother, friends and family came to despise Jason, but they were loving and kind to him and Tyler despite that.
As you can imagine, all of this caused a rift between Justin and I. The chaos, acting out, screaming, the deviant and defiant behavior were all too often met with little to no punishment. When I would try to get Justin to see the severity of Tyler’s actions, he trivialized them, explaining them away, “ He is just a kid.” “ He didn’t mean it.” My Mother-In-Law would say the same things.
I left my own home again and again to get away from the terror. I felt…. still feel… helpless. Justin does not enforce rules or boundaries. When Tyler breaks a rule, taunts my animals or throws things, I’m left to endure the chaos. Before December, I would go to my Mother’s house. Cry, regroup, BUT CONTINUE TO TRY. I considered splitting up with Justin over and over. I would leave to my Mom’s because I didn’t want to uproot Tyler. He had school, he’s a child, I am an adult, I can leave without causing more chaos. I was fighting for Tyler, I was fighting for my family. I feel as if I was triggered into “flight” mode, to preserve my marriage and to (attempt to) protect my mental state.
An extreme event on Christmas Eve flipped the script on my typical “flight” response.
That night Tyler and I were playing around the Christmas tree, dancing and singing. My husband was cleaning and preparing food as we waited for my Mother-in-law to arrive. Out of nowhere, Tyler asked if he could speak to me in private. We sat on the stairs and he told me that he liked hurting people. That sometimes he hated me. I pet his head and said that emotions could sometimes feel strong, but he did not have to act on them. He smiled and in the next breath, said that he “put it in a boy’s butt”. What did you put in his butt? “My Penis”. He then told me that he did this to another boy, and that he wanted to do it to me. I could barely breathe...but I held it together and told Tyler that this was something to discuss with his therapist and parents. I said it was very inappropriate to do or say to anyone. I told him that his words hurt me. I told him that loved him. Justin’s mom arrived right about then. I strode over to the kitchen and told Justin what Tyler said and how I responded. He told me I “handled it well”. I told him I was terrified and needed support. I was not sure what to do, as my Mother-in-law was walking up to hug me. She and Tyler played for a while and Tyler went to sleep, in anticipation of Christmas morning.
I discussed what Tyler said to me with Justin and his Mom. She was horrified. Apparently Justin already knew of these incidents, because his Ex-Girlfriend told him. When explaining them to me previously, he sugar coated and completely omitted the gravity of what really happened. All I was told… is that on Thanksgiving, his Ex-GF found Tyler and his cousin behind a closed door, touching each other’s penises. Obviously, much more had happened. And it had happened AGAIN with another child who lived down the street from him. I was left to accept that I was lied to by my Husband. After all, Tyler told me the graphic details, and his Ex-girlfriend confirmed both incidents when I reached out to her Christmas day.
How could Justin omit the truth? How could he be so blasé when I told him what Tyler said? How… why… am I feeling constantly exiled and belittled?
When his Ex-GF called Justin on Thanksgiving Day regarding the incident with Tyler’s cousin, I was in the car next to him. The conversation was 30 minutes long. Justin’s recap with me was a mere 2 minutes. They were only naked. They might have touched each other.
Back to Christmas Eve Night, after Tyler went to sleep, Justin, his mom and I discussed the “situation”. My Mother-in-law wavered between “him just exploring/not understanding” to being “afraid he would become a rapist.” Justin took the overall attitude that “he doesn’t know what he is saying” and “he is just a kid”. I pointed out that these sexual behaviors and statements might be due to abuse, or they could be associated with ODD. The question remained how he would ever hear about “putting it (his penis) in the butt”. We always monitored everything he watched, and never let him alone around anyone. Christmas Eve night passed on, as I tried to remain calm and celebrate the evening with my family. But I was shell-shocked. Justin and I went to bed, watched a show and cuddled for an hour or so. Around 2 am, Tyler ran up the stairs to the living room. When he reached the top of the stairs, he exploded into a laugh in response to seeing his heaps of presents placed around the tree.
Let me tell you… This laugh was not a jovial child’s laugh of delight, but strange and villainous …. A loud “MWAHAHAHAHA!” For some reason, this… is what broke me. I began to cry and told my husband that I felt unsupported, unsafe and that he had done nothing to handle this very serious issue with his son. To which he responded, “I thought you handled it.” The conversation devolved, ran in circles, lead to nothing. I cried as I packed my things. I left in the middle of the night to go to my Mom’s once again. I had to use the back door, disturbing the sleep of my Mother-in-law.
She sent me paragraphs of texts after I left telling me that if I could not handle Tyler, I should just end it with her son. “Tyler was just a child” and on and on.
My Mother and I spent Christmas alone and it looked as if Justin and I would be getting a divorce. We reconciled but as a condition, I asked for boundaries to be enforced. Many were specific, but reasonable. I asked for him to properly punish and handle his son, to take charge of any instance when Tyler acted out. I told Justin that I needed to feel safe, supported and like I have a voice. I told him I felt like a battered babysitter, not a wife. I was terrified to be around Tyler alone, for him to be around my family, other children, or animals. Justin promised, he would support me and enforce these boundaries.
For the next 4 months, it seemed things had improved. There was much less defiance and no reports of violent or sexual behavior.
BUT… last week, while shooting a bb-gun with his mom and Step-Dad (horrible and absurd idea, I know), Tyler told his Mom he was “excited to kill animals”. She immediately removed the gun, told him he would never shoot it again and his Step-Dad spanked him for the first time. Justin was furious, and stunned that they allowed him to use a gun. Justin told his Ex-girlfriend it was forbidden for Tyler to use a gun many months before. He was equally furious about the spanking. Paradoxically, (maybe predictably…) he seemed much less concerned with Tyler’s “excited to kill animals” statement.
Two days later, Tyler came to our house for his Wednesday night visit. We helped with his homework, and ate dinner together. Mirroring the spontaneity of Christmas Eve, OUT OF THE BLUE, he turns to me and says, “I want to beat you up.” I asked him why he would say such a cruel thing. He just smiled and shrugged. I asked him if kids at school say that to him or if he is saying it to others. Tyler said no and smirked. I told him I was very hurt by what he said, and asked him to imagine what it would feel like to be told that by someone he loved. Justin did next to nothing, except to say “We do not do violence.”
There was no punishment, no serious talk, nothing. He was allowed to go to bed at his normal bedtime, soundly in his room without any other mention of his cruel threat. Just as last time, my husband and I stayed up together watching a movie. When we went to bed, I asked him why he had not supported me or responded appropriately, as he promised to do after the Christmas Eve chaos. I felt like I was living in a time loop. Again he responded, “ I thought you handled that perfectly”. I reminded him that he promised to step up, to support me and to properly punish his son.
Justin, once again had done nothing. I began crying uncontrollably, and asked him to leave our bedroom. He pawed and whined at the door all night begging to come back in. I told him that I did not feel safe around his son, I did not feel protected and that I did not want to be around his son again. I finally decided to stand up for my home and well-being, both to protect my safety and sanity. I was tired of being a fugitive from my own home.
I did not sleep. I doubt Justin did either.
The next morning, they were dragging their feet getting ready to leave for work/school. My nerves were shot, my body shaking. I sent my husband a message to please leave the house as soon as possible. When 10 more minutes passed, I lost my cool. I opened the bedroom door and started screaming GET OUT. Something I have never done in front of Tyler. I could hear him playing around in the bathtub and again screamed to Justin, GET OUT, GET HIM OUT OF THIS HOUSE. I know…. I lost it. I completely screwed up.
The following day, I sent Justin a long letter of apology detailing my dismay, but explaining my fury at being taunted/attacked by Tyler. It was not what Tyler said, but my husband’s lack of response that sent me over the edge. I extended an olive branch, and asked him if he would be willing to see a couple’s therapist. He was open in the past, now he says he doesn’t know.
So at present, I am in our home alone…heartbroken, furious, confused, massively depressed and devastated.
Justin and I have our own personal issues, but we have each made HUGE strides to fixing those. We both see a therapist. We communicate and react more appropriately to each other with regard to our personal and marital struggles. Prior to December, Justin threatened me verbally, shouted me down into a corner, screamed demeaning and demoralizing things while chasing me around the house. He slapped Tyler in the face, spanked him. He abused, ignored and used me. I yelled, I iced him out, I left. We got through that. We actually did. The reality remains, that 95% of our fights are about Tyler. I do not expect his son to be perfect. I do not delude myself that he will medically or magically get better. I am only asking for support, protection and boundaries.
After all this, I can’t help but think of the moment I first saw Justin and Tyler. Father, running after son. Justin chasing Tyler as he ran beyond the seats, with me watching from the stage. How devastatingly prophetic, that their entry into my life was a near exact vision of their exit.
My mind has turned over and over.. and i am presented with two options:
Should I continue to fight for this?
If not, how I can heal from losing the love of my life to his own weakness, willful denial and dismissal of his son’s troubling behavior?
Ultimately, I have had to make the heartbreaking decision to protect my life, sanity and future. We are now filing for divorce. Nothing has ever been more painful, but my family, friends and therapist have all said, Get out and don't look back.

I have been with my husband for 20 years married for 4. He has 2 daughters one 40 one 36 and i have 1 daughter 29. The 36 year old has been diagnosed with bipolar just 4 years ago but ever since being in the relationship she has been a problem in our marriage. He puts her first in every way including financially. We have had many years of ups and downs but ever since she has been diagnosed with bipolar his attitude to her has changed. Every argument now is "she has a mental illness" because of this he expects all of the family to accept the awful things she says and does to the point that her eldest sister who lives in New Zealand now has cut off all ties. I myself do not feel any love or affection to my husband as I feel I am in a relationship with a man who is having an affair and I am second best. We currently in separate rooms and have not had sex for nearly 2 years. I am just 50 and he is 67. Prior to all this how relationship was great. We had our issues with the daughter but not to this extent. Since her being diagnosed with bipolar things have gone worse. I feel so lonely and do not know how to leave the marriage as I feel i have worked so hard all our years together to get to where we are financially and do not want to go backwards. I really hate my life right now.

I, too, am dealing with this sort of issue. It is SO hard. My daughter was 3 when my husband and I got together. They got along great at first. But, a year and half before my husband and I got together, my youngest daughter died, leaving the both of us with PTSD and anxiety/depression issues. She also has ADHD. It’s so hard to manage and I find that I struggle disciplining her because I am SO afraid to lose her. I know that this is an internal battle that I need to fight. But, it has definitely put a strain on my marriage. My daughter disrespects my husband all the time and he in return does as well. I am walking on egg shells all the time, with my mind racing trying to find ways for them to get along. It is taking a toll on my mental health, even more than I deal with already. I can never find a happy medium. I should also mention that my daughters dad is not much of a father. She sees him every other weekend, but I feel he damages her while she’s there. Any advice would be great. Feel free to email me. stacigerman@icloud.com