Poor Phone Etiquette Good News For Schizophrenics

I’ve been writing Funny In The Head for some time now, and, as you might imagine, knowing you, as I don’t, writing a humor column for a mental health website is not the easiest hoe to row, if you follow my wake, and if you do, bravo!

Week after week I am deluged with emails from irate readers who prattle on interminably with protestations of indignation, hurt feelings, and shock. Surprisingly, the vast majority of them are from schizophrenics. Here is a recent example.

“Dear Idiot: I have had it up to here, I’m pointing at my Adam’s apple, with your column. Please tell me why schizophrenics receive virtually no coverage whatsoever. You’ve got plenty of time for the glamour illnesses like bipolar disorder, narcissism, agoraphobia, triskaidekaphobia, bongopolymorphism, and of course, Munchausen by Proxy. But when it comes to schizophrenia, phooey! Thanks for the sour persimmons Mr. Funny In The Head but not very funny on the page!” Yours Sincerely, Name Withheld By Request.”

The objection is valid but no slight is intended and there is no oversight here, indeed, the omission is quite deliberate. Please do not think that it is the result of thoughtfulness, tact, or sensitivity on my part; it’s far too late for that. My intention is to direct derisive barbs at all 360 degrees of the circle; if anyone is left un-offended at the end of the day it is simply because I just don’t have the energy I did once, it certainly isn’t for want of trying.

The fact of it is; I don’t make jokes about schizophrenia because I just can’t find any humor in it. It’s painful, sad, and terrifying. However, I do have some very good news for schizophrenics. Today’s tsunami of cell phone yakking has eliminated the taboo once surrounding talking to yourself in public. Face it – we don’t know if there’s anyone on the other end of that cell phone held by the intense thirty-something uber-upper-digitalian in line at Starbucks. But we must listen to them invade their own privacy, and ours, ad infinitum.

So talk to your self, or imagined friends, or actual colleagues separated by time and space, it won’t bother a soul. Talking incoherently in public, and forcing others to listen to your blather, is the new normal.