So often, people ask me the question "Am I imagining the abuse? Is it just in my head or is there a problem with my marriage?" Sure, sometimes problems are just in our heads, and we might also make mountains out of molehills. I suppose you could be imagining problems where there are none, and you could be imagining abuse. But if outside of your relationship your judgment seems sane, then I really doubt you are imagining the abuse. More likely, the effects of abuse are messing with you.

Unconditional love can't make an abuser change. In an abusive relationship, unconditional love sets the stage for more abuse. Even so, many abuse victims believe that unconditional love must make the abuser stop abusing. Nothing is stronger than love, right? Victims think things like: "But I love her (so I stay)." "He had a horrible childhood (so I stay)." "She never learned how to love (so I stay)." "I want to show her that someone in her effing life cares (so I stay)." "He is really sick and has no one else but me (so I stay)." Unfortunately, unconditional love has a razor sharp edge that will make you bleed. It could even kill you. Nothing is stronger than love. So wasting your empathy on an abuser by affording him or her with unconditional love can be your death sentence.

A lifetime ago, as I sat on my bed unable to put my feet on the floor and get going, I cried to myself, "I am better than this! I deserve more than this!" I knew intellectually that my relationship with my husband Will caused me great harm, but I couldn't quite get my emotions and my mind to align. My head told me to RUN, but my emotions cemented my feet in place. The best I could to get out of that bed was to tell myself that today I would get through to Will. Today would be the day I led Helen Keller to the water pump . . . today Will would understand. Today, my husband would change and we would break through the walls between us. Today I would get it right.

On May 3, I arrived at my sister's home in Texas. I left Marc (19) and Eddie (17) behind in North Carolina despite my breaking heart. Financially, I simply couldn't afford to pretend "it will all work out" any longer. Codependency kept me there, financial ruin forced me to move. In hindsight, I wish I'd left a year ago before life became more difficult for my oldest son. My staying allowed him one more year of destroying himself with drugs in his safe and protected environment - my home. I feel like a fool for enabling Marc and falling into the habit of codependency. I thought I'd already learned that lesson from his father in that substance addiction always wins over good sense. The rope I gave Marc to hang himself twisted around my neck instead, suffocating me and separating me from my inner safe place.

Big ol' belly laughs that catch you by surprise feel so good! They feel better now that feeling happy doesn't make me sad. That idea is confusing; laughing until you cry doesn't usually mean you cry sad tears, but it happened to me a lot during my abusive marriage. Usually, the laughing started during a phone call with my sister. Anything could get us going, and for a few beautiful minutes, nothing mattered except the funny bit between us. I laughed until my sides ached and the tears flowed like water. But then, when the laughter dried up and I started wiping the tears from my eyes, the tears wouldn't stop. My face, sore from smiling, suddenly dropped into a frown. I covered my face because I felt embarrassed to feel so...damn...sad. Those last tears fell because when the laughter was done, I returned to my sad, closed-off life of mind-numbing pain. Sometimes I would stay on the phone with her when she asked what was wrong. Usually I cut the conversation short when I felt the change to pain begin.

It seems that the courts would have more sense when it comes to co-parenting with any abuser, but especially a proven-in-a-court-of-law abuser found guilty of domestic violence, child abuse, or any sexual crimes. There is a disconnect between criminal court and family court that endangers our children with the mistaken belief that two parents, of any sort, is preferable to protecting our children from dangerous people. And yet, many of us find ourselves co-parenting with our abusers.

The fear caused by abuse is an emotion that can stick with you during abuse and after the abusive relationship is over too. One of the hardest things to look at during or after an abusive relationship is the mental and emotional damage the abuse caused in us. We remember who we were before the abuse and may feel like a sad shell of that person after it. It is scary and heart-breaking. You may feel more defenseless, helpless and hopeless than before you knew your partner abused you. After all, now you fight your mind as well as the abuse your (ex) partner inflicts. You will never change your partner. You are already their target for abuse, and once you are the target it is difficult if not impossible to change back into "you" in their eyes. However, you can change yourself. You can change your thoughts, your feelings, and the way your brain is wired. But remember, although "change" is something that can happen to you, if you want to heal from abuse, change must be something you DO.

I struggle with using the words "narcissist" and "sociopath" and the like in my descriptions of abusers. The words get a lot of online attention and would draw in abuse victims trying to solve the mystery of their lover's nasty behaviors. However, "abusers" do not fall into any specific category in the DSM-IV (the guide psychiatrists use to diagnose mental illnesses). By and large, abusive people are not mentally ill - even though to us normal folks, it sure appears that they are insane. Due to some of the comments this post received, I want to clarify that I am talking about cases of domestic violence and abuse - two adults who chose to be together initially until one found out the other was abusing them. There is some peace in "diagnosing" your abuser as a sociopath, narcissist, or whatever as a layperson because your research will also show you these people DO NOT CHANGE and IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT they behave the way they do. This helps you to detach from them. However, if you are a victim of abuse in a domestically violent relationship, then it does no good to wait around out of "loyalty" or "marriage vows" or any other reason if your abuser happens to actually go to a therapist and receive such a diagnosis. You will become disordered if you live with someone with a mental disorder that science has no way to treat or cure.

Part 1: The Abusive Relationship and Its Fairy-tale Beginning Part 2: The Hidden Tale of Abuse Part 3 of Our Fairy-tale: Previously, we left our princess and her friends confused and our knight deeply satisfied with himself. This is exactly as our knight wants it to be! He overpowered the princess and made her his newest trophy. From the outside looking in, it appears that the brave knight lives a dream: beautiful wife, beautiful home, loyal servants as friends, and the ability to take on new adventures (and lovers) without so much as a sideways glance from his wife. Our knight won his battle. He retains his glorious reputation, and that is all that matters to him.

Continued From The Fairy-Tale Beginning Storytellers leave out the middle portion of our fairy-tale because it occurs behind palace walls, secreted away from the prying eyes of peasants. The princess, swept off her feet, rides into the sunset with our knight, heading to his land and his castle. He promises love never-ending, and the princess cannot wait to begin life with him by her side. Her woodland friends promise to visit soon, and all seems well...