Boy oh boy I sometimes tire of thinking about domestic abuse! When I was abused but didn't know it, abuse came out subconsciously through my artwork. When I was abused and did know it, abuse came out in my writing. Now that I'm no longer abused (or hardly ever since my ex and I rarely speak), abuse comes out through specific AHA! memories from the past. Granted, now that I'm away from the verbal and emotional abuse barrage of yesterday, the thoughts are not as detrimental to my Self as they once were. At least now, when I have an AHA! moment, it reflects more "what he did" than "how bad of a person I must be". I am grateful for that.

Way too many abuse victims continue suffering because they do not put together a viable safety plan. Safety planning can be a very taxing, emotional issue for victims because, in essence, they are confronting the fact that even if they love the abuser, they are in danger emotionally and physically. No one wants to believe that, but safety planning forces you to see the danger.

Are you abused because you are you a good wife/husband? A good child? A good employee? What else are you besides "good"? If you don't know, then you could be stuck in your abusive relationship for a very long time. Good wives and husbands go about fulfilling their roles as they believe a "good" person should. But guess what? If you describe yourself as good, then you must keep a counter-balance in sight - you must keep someone around you who provides the bad because good cannot exist without something bad with which to compare itself. This is problematic for both groups of abuse victims: the ones currently entrenched in the abusive relationship and the ones who escaped it. Being good keeps you glued to current bad behavior and causes you to unconsciously seek it after your escape. Why do they stay? Because they're good people. Why did he marry that type of woman? Because he's a good person.

Life after abuse surpasses the definition of peaceful. There is no one but me to tell me what to do or how to do it.

The story I want to tell you today happened between my ex and me over two years ago when we were still together. At the time, I knew he was abusing me. I realized that there was little hope that he would change. I didn't want to leave my marriage, but I was beginning to think there was no real marriage to leave anyway. Looking back, I remember my internal struggle to find an elusive peace. I longed for a partner who loved me and would work with me through life's trials and celebrate its joys. I so wanted a normal conversation, a nice conversation without the abusive junk lurking underneath the surface. I was hoping my life away. If you see yourself in the following story, please think long and hard about whether you want to wait it out to see if your partner decides to change. Remember that the abuser finds great benefit in abusing, otherwise s/he would have changed long ago.

This morning I stepped out of bed and into the view of a mirror. I thought, "Oh my God, I'm so fat" and then threw on some clothes thinking, "Hide it. Hide." Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror a second time stopped my self-abuse. My face struck me as sad, fearful, and ashamed. It shocked me. I don't normally think of myself as sad, fearful or ashamed, and yet there it was, evident as the written word all over my frowning face. Wow. First thing in the morning and my brain is writing horror stories. I wonder why I still feel trapped in judgment and negativity. I left my abuser almost two years ago. Will this cycle of hating/liking myself ever end?

It's not my place to tell her about what abuse she has to look forward to in her new relationship with my ex-abuser. It's none of my business that, from this distance, I can clearly sense what is happening. If I approached her, she would probably get mad at me. I'm sure he's told her what a head-case I am, warned her to limit her contact with me. At the very least, he's agreed with her perspective on how crazy I must be to have left him, that it takes two to tango, that I have baggage I didn't work through in all those years we were together. But if I were to write her a letter, this is how it would go:

Mystery surrounds victims of domestic violence and abuse. “Why does she stay?” tops the list of most asked questions when she’s in the relationship and “What is wrong with her?” is the often unspoken follow-up. It seems to me that most people who study domestic violence victims ask “What is wrong with her?” at the top of their research. They seem to forget that it takes two people to create an abusive relationship. I guess they think they’ve got the abuser pegged. He’s a narcissist, addict, chauvinist, controller, or has an anger problem or self-esteem issues. Pick a personality or mood disorder and maybe he’s got it. Case closed - on to their victims.

His comment came out of the blue as he readied himself for work. "Some people don't think," he stated calmly. My mind raced to figure out what he was talking about. If I were in a normal relationship, I would have simply asked, "What do you mean, honey?" But I wasn't in a normal relationship. During the few seconds it took me to connect the dots between his statement and what he really meant, he didn't say another word. He gave me the courtesy of remaining silent as my mind raced to find a way to avoid a fight that evening upon his return.

Are you planning to leave an abusive relationship? All plans involve future events (that's why they're plans and not actions). If so, it's time to check your thinking. Are you "planning to leave, but...", or do you have a realistic plan that will get you out of the relationship once and for all?