During my recovery since leaving domestic abuse and violence, there have been many ups and downs. Life can be quite confusing when you use your intuition instead of relying on someone else to tell you what to do! So, I'd like to share some of the revelations and problems I've encountered since leaving domestic abuse and my abusive husband.

So often, people ask me the question "Am I imagining the abuse? Is it just in my head or is there a problem with my marriage?" Sure, sometimes problems are just in our heads, and we might also make mountains out of molehills. I suppose you could be imagining problems where there are none, and you could be imagining abuse. But if outside of your relationship your judgment seems sane, then I really doubt you are imagining the abuse. More likely, the effects of abuse are messing with you.

Recently I had the opportunity to converse with a woman, Cathy, who lives with an abusive man. She didn't know exactly where to start her story, but I noticed that "psalm27" was part of her email address. I am familiar with the prayer because it gave me comfort during my days of living with an abusive man. Initially, Psalm 27 seemed to tell me to stay on track, that God sent trials my way for a reason. I came to understand it differently, and I'd like to share with you the email I sent to Cathy (with her permission of course, and with a few edits for clarity). I don't usually delve into religion or my lack of religion on this blog. I do not pretend to be a biblical scholar. However, God (by whatever name) and I are tight. I listen to The Voice - but sometimes my human mind doesn't want to hear the real message at first.

Unconditional love can't make an abuser change. In an abusive relationship, unconditional love sets the stage for more abuse. Even so, many abuse victims believe that unconditional love must make the abuser stop abusing. Nothing is stronger than love, right? Victims think things like: "But I love her (so I stay)." "He had a horrible childhood (so I stay)." "She never learned how to love (so I stay)." "I want to show her that someone in her effing life cares (so I stay)." "He is really sick and has no one else but me (so I stay)." Unfortunately, unconditional love has a razor sharp edge that will make you bleed. It could even kill you. Nothing is stronger than love. So wasting your empathy on an abuser by affording him or her with unconditional love can be your death sentence.

First I need to clarify something. There are no domestic abuse victims reading this post. I know that because if you are an abuse victim, you're online researching troubled relationships and self-help information aimed at fixing a frazzled marriage. You certainly are not searching for information about any "abuse victim". In my mind, abuse victims do not know they are abuse victims. Abuse victims truly do not recognize the abuse as abuse. If you know and admit that you're in an abusive relationship, then you are no longer a victim. You are a survivor of domestic abuse. Only survivors read this blog, pure and simple. That said, you may wonder why I am writing an article for an abuse victim who will never read it. Because I want to remind you, the survivor, just how far you've come in your efforts to end abuse in your life.

It seems that the courts would have more sense when it comes to co-parenting with any abuser, but especially a proven-in-a-court-of-law abuser found guilty of domestic violence, child abuse, or any sexual crimes. There is a disconnect between criminal court and family court that endangers our children with the mistaken belief that two parents, of any sort, is preferable to protecting our children from dangerous people. And yet, many of us find ourselves co-parenting with our abusers.

Quotes on abuse from domestic violence survivors about the abuse and leaving their abusers show us their courage and insight. But perhaps more importantly, quotes on abuse give a glimpse of the future to survivors who have not left their abusive partners. I hope you catch a realistic version of your future without your abuser within these quotes on abuse (Insightful Quotes on Abuse Issues). It isn't easy, but that new start is worth the pain of leaving.

I struggle with using the words "narcissist" and "sociopath" and the like in my descriptions of abusers. The words get a lot of online attention and would draw in abuse victims trying to solve the mystery of their lover's nasty behaviors. However, "abusers" do not fall into any specific category in the DSM-IV (the guide psychiatrists use to diagnose mental illnesses). By and large, abusive people are not mentally ill - even though to us normal folks, it sure appears that they are insane. Due to some of the comments this post received, I want to clarify that I am talking about cases of domestic violence and abuse - two adults who chose to be together initially until one found out the other was abusing them. There is some peace in "diagnosing" your abuser as a sociopath, narcissist, or whatever as a layperson because your research will also show you these people DO NOT CHANGE and IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT they behave the way they do. This helps you to detach from them. However, if you are a victim of abuse in a domestically violent relationship, then it does no good to wait around out of "loyalty" or "marriage vows" or any other reason if your abuser happens to actually go to a therapist and receive such a diagnosis. You will become disordered if you live with someone with a mental disorder that science has no way to treat or cure.

Are you having problems making friends since leaving your abusive relationship? You aren't alone in being alone. Abuse survivors make it out of their abusive relationships often to find they have no friends, or at least no one they can trust to be a friend. And after so much time in an abusive relationship, the effects of the emotional abuse can leaving you feeling like you're not worthy of a friend. Despite the problems, you can make good friends after an abusive relationship and create a life you want to live.

Part 1: The Abusive Relationship and Its Fairy-tale Beginning Part 2: The Hidden Tale of Abuse Part 3 of Our Fairy-tale: Previously, we left our princess and her friends confused and our knight deeply satisfied with himself. This is exactly as our knight wants it to be! He overpowered the princess and made her his newest trophy. From the outside looking in, it appears that the brave knight lives a dream: beautiful wife, beautiful home, loyal servants as friends, and the ability to take on new adventures (and lovers) without so much as a sideways glance from his wife. Our knight won his battle. He retains his glorious reputation, and that is all that matters to him.