Verbally Abusive Mothers and Their Daughters

The effects of verbal abuse from a girl's mother may not only have detrimental effects on her self-esteem and self-awareness but may also change her perception of how she should act as a grown woman. Without a healthy example of a mothering role, girls can grow up thinking abusive behavior is normal and expected. 

I have two girls and have found myself saying, more times than I would like to admit, things that were said to me as a child, spewing forth the verbal abuse that has bounced around in my head for over 45 years. Each day, I try to be more conscious of the words that leave my mouth and enter my girls' ears. Even though I still make mistakes and am far from perfect, when I use questionable words or actions, I aim to apologize and move towards providing a healthier environment for them. 

Some Telltale Signs of Verbal Abuse from Moms to Daughters

Sometimes, typical argumentative behaviors become confused with verbal abuse. It is natural to be angry and not agree with everything your mother does, but how she handles these situations will indicate if your mother is verbally abusive. Some telltale signs of a mother who uses verbal abuse can be: 

• She uses guilt to get you to do what she wants
• She gives you the silent treatment
• She belittles you or calls you names 
• She is extremely critical of you or your choices 
• She blames you for ruining her life 
• She responds irrationally or unpredictably 
• Nothing is good enough for her 
• She uses passive-aggressive tactics 

Of course, this is not a complete list of things verbal abusers say and do, and there may be other ways your mother is acting verbally abusive. 

Why Verbal Abuse? 

Surprisingly, there may be many more women who verbally abuse their children than you might believe. Someone outside the home cannot see verbal abuse unless they are present at that time.

Some women may feel inferior to their partners, making up for it by establishing dominance over their children. Other mothers may suffer from mental health issues, altering what they think is acceptable behavior. In my case, I fell victim to repeat abusive comments I received as a child. 

There is no excuse for verbally abusing a child. But, no matter the reason, this type of behavior should stop before it creates more damage or continues the cycle of abuse for future generations. 

How to Heal

Healing the effects of verbal abuse from your mother can be challenging. You may have questions that even she cannot answer for you. Even with all the reasons why a woman may abuse her children, there also may be no reason at all, making it even more difficult to understand why it happened to you. 

One way that I manage to heal my broken self-esteem and avoid repeating the same behaviors with my children is through therapy. I spent countless hours over many years rebuilding the image of what I believe a mother should be and how she should act.

Consequently, when a situation with my girls arises in my life now, I take the time to stop and really think about how to proceed. I do not want to make the same mistakes in the past or fall into the same habits I learned as a child. 

It can be a hard road to heal and move forward from verbal abuse, but it is worth the effort. It is critical for you and your girls.