The One Who Will Be Abused After You
Violet is ready to leave her abusive husband - almost. She struggles with what-ifs, but I sense she has one foot out the door already. She asked in her comment,
"I think about him meeting someone else; what if he is good to her? Does that make her better than me? I know someone else addressed this, but it is a real fear of mine. Am I making him act this way?"
Am I Making Him Act This Way?
Fifteen days after leaving my husband, Will, I came to a powerful realization. I wrote on my blog and this is what I said:
You see, once upon a time, I believed Will when he said that I made him angry. I made him yell. I made him go into a$$hole mode. I made him want to hit me. I made him cut me down. I made him use physical force to subdue me. I must have thought I thought I was pretty damn powerful, being able to spin that man around in such a tizzy that he would justify his own behavior by blaming me for it.
There is a flip side of being so omnipotent and powerful. I could make him mean, hateful, vengeful even…but I couldn’t make him love me, I couldn’t make him respect me or be nice to me. What’s the point of being “omnipotent” when your “powers” only work against you?
Fact is, I tried to make him love me for me, and when that didn’t work, I thought he’d love me as his baby’s mother. When that didn’t work, I morphed into the house frau he said he wanted me to be. Along the way, I’ve tried to be his mother, his MawMaw, his aunt; I even tried to be “more like” other people he’d point out to me. I tried to make him love me, and I couldn’t do it.
So why did I buy into the idea that I could make him angry?
I think that believing I could make him feel something was better than acknowledging he would never feel love for me. I thought there was something broken inside me, something that I could fix. I forced myself into fits of depression thinking that there, at the bottom of the pit, I would find the thing that made me so unlovable. Once I found it, I thought I could pluck it out and dispose of it, then rise to the surface of myself to find that he was able to love me.
I do not wonder why I spent so long looking for something that was broken [inside of me]…I know that I wanted a happy marriage, a loving husband, a close family. I wanted what I wanted when I married Will – to be a part of his life, to share myself and my gifts with him believing that we complemented one another and together, we were unstoppable. I wanted this so badly that I stuck around for almost 18 years trying to create it.
Underneath it all, we want to know we're lovable. Abuse convinces us that we are not lovable, not even likable. Abuse convinces us we're sub-human and everyone else in the world can see it. Abuse shames us, it shames and dims the light God meant for us to shine bright for all the world to see.
Our abusers circled our light in the beginning like a moth to the flame. Our abuser wanted us, just as we were, because they thought we could share our light with them, and "make" them better for it. The abuse begins when the abuser realizes that no one, specifically not their victim, can cast a light so bright that it illuminates their own darkness. And trust me on this one, abusive people live in a very dark place.
What If He Is Good To Her? Does That Make Her Better Than Me?
Your abusive mate will find another light shining brightly from another person that beckons them like a moth to a flame. After you are gone, your abuser can no longer believe that verbally, emotionally, or physically beating your light out of you will work. Your abuser may wonder what they ever saw in you, seeing that your light faded so drastically. Your abuser will not comprehend that the effects of the abuse caused your light to fade, and they certainly will not wait around in their darkness to see if your light reignites.
Your abuser will find another person who shines brightly. Your abuser will wow his New Light with loving actions, sweet words; your abuser will seem to the New Light like a gift from heaven. The New Light will probably be a lot like you.
The New Light is no better than you. Sure, you may feel defeated right now, but your light is on the mend. You are coming back into who you are and always were. But your abuser's New Light is on the way to darkness. You probably won't see it happen because, if you remember, the Abuse is kept a secret. You are no longer allowed to see your ex-abuser's inner world because you've been cast out.
But you KNOW.
Please remember that despite your ex-abuser's opinion of you, Abuse is always wrong in its judgments. Abuse seeks to kill what lives when Love seeks to nurture what lives. Loving yourself in the absence of abuse nurtures you. It guides you to new insights. You realize that no one is better than or less than, we're all simply trying to shine our lights. You heal. You believe your Self again, and any pain caused by seeing your abuser with a new victim subsides into the light of truth.
APA Reference
Jo, K.
(2012, September 27). The One Who Will Be Abused After You, HealthyPlace. Retrieved
on 2024, May 17 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/09/the-one-abused-after-you
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
I hope they get what they deserve in time. I was with my ex for over 5 years, “engaged” for over 3years and he constantly promised me marriage and babies. I finally left because of the cheating. He’s now getting married with a baby on the way and it’s only been weeks since we were together :( I know I’m better off because he was extremely abusive but it’s hard to not think she was somehow better… she’s younger and thinner than me and somehow she gets everything I was promised for years. I was with him when he had NOTHING and after he took everything and is only now making decent money he gives her everything. He’s even buying a house. I do hope there is justice because it’s so unfair.
I was with my abuser for 9 years..up until 4 weeks ago..precisely 3days before my birthday. Thing is..I had no idea I was being abused until that moment..3days before my birthday he hurt my feelings and I told him to leave..he stated he slept at train station that night when he rang me when I was parked out side the chipper.he says ..you hungry..and I was cold answering him like yes and he got very icy and said..oh forget it and hung up.i rang the following day and he said his phone was off because he was in the pub..of course I got upset because I spent hours looking for him in case something was wrong..day of my birthday I called up to his parents house and he ran me from the door..told me he hated me and being with me for 9years was hell and that to move on because he was going to get with someone else soon as he told me..I can't be on my own..that's who I am. So he did just that..got someone else and I seen them in his car driving around town. It did hurt me.last few days I started to remember when it first began..the grooming.he said I can get a women as I'm gorgeous..any women..s9 he takes out his phone and shows me a video of an women doing the deed and she had a beautiful body.flat tummy etc..and it looked like his hands in the video.so I got a bit paranoid..skip on that night or a few nights later..I was looking for my pjs in the closer and I was bent over..so rolls and all wouldve been on display but I didn't think he would of been watching me..I got back to bed and he looked like he was sleeping and there was my phone with a picture of me from the closet on my side of the bed..I asked why are you pretending to be asleep and take this photo but I can't remember what he said..I only remember the shame of how I looked(compared to the video)few nights later we were playing strip poker in the sitting room in front of fire.his idea..and then when it reached to where I was in my underwear..he got so icy and said..cover yourself up..this also got to my self esteem..when another time I did something sexual to him..he said to me days later..oh you did that to me..how many other guys did you do that to..also getting to my self esteem. I moved out of my house then to another as he said there was so no privacy there(I regret so bad)I gained nearly 3 stone in a matter of months and was very depressed..but never linked it to the arguments always being my fault...he also knew ant my ex who physically beat me and I told him in confidence to which one day he through it back at me..no wonder he hit you or did he even and your lying..self esteem..pain despair ..you can imagine how my brain felt.id jump in the morning because I was walking on eggshells all the time.i was getting very sick..ibs and sore throat..allergy reactions ...everything..but because he said he was innocent and it was all me.i believed it..soon before the break up..I started to pull back a little.. stopped making dinners for him because he never pulled his weight..stopped letting him use my bank account because he had his own..I am mentally drained with my own mind each day..having intrusive ocd and anxiety.and I also have an autistic child which is a lot for me to cope with at times along with trying to make him happy.no matter how I tried it was never good enough..never pleased..even at the very end..I meant nothing to him...if I didn't feel like in the mood to go upstairs to do things after having a hard day..I would get asked repeatedly.what are you good for..over and over..it's just so sad to me to think that someone who I trusted went out of their way to hurt me...I got bullied also in my past and I am very sensitive..so to find out it all wasn't real and just a perception.that hurts.to be afraid to leave on the immersion because of esb bill..or jump when he yelled over something silly and never wanted to speak to me about anything only about himself..
August 6th 2021 was the day the abuse was finally put to rest however , it didn’t end well because he was 2 steps ahead of me it felt like & I ended up being charged with aggravated assault- irregardless of the fact that he beat me so bad and even had a gun involved . It’s a year later and I’m still dealing with the “consequences “ for self defense - but one thing I do have and I’m grateful for is the ability to never go through that again and seeing the red flags before it’s too late. He pressed charges on me, took out a restraining order on me and made me out to be the perpetrator- however no one knows that behind closed doors he mentally, emotionally and eventually physically abused me consistently. He threatened my life with his gun, with inanimate objects & consistently tore parts of my self esteem down with his false accusations. The beginning was so sweet… (the grooming stage)- I felt like I met my soulmate the way he was so sweet to me. But then he started to get jealous over small things- my bubbly personality that he liked so much became “too friendly” for him, the way I dressed went from sexy to “repulsive”, the way I pleased him was questioned - “who else you did this for ?!”… Everything I did became a problem. I was too sensitive… I was too emotional… I was too depressed… And eventually every day became a roller coaster of emotions. He started pulling away from me, my intuition told me he was cheating simply because of the amount of times he accused me of cheating on him… Even though I wasn’t nor did he have any real reason to believe so because I literally catered my entire life towards him. And when it was all said and done he trapped me in his home, beat me into a concussion and then played the victim. To this day I always wonder if he would ever take accountability for what he’s done, but I know that men like him don’t believe in accountability. I know he’s moved on with someone else… Or he’s been dating and it’s so tempting to reach out and tell them about the monster that he really is… Especially since he comes across so cool calm and collective . His manipulation tactics scare me until this day . i’m healing though. I’m finally finding that light inside of me and it may not be right now… Or a few weeks from now… Or even a year from now that I feel 100% OK again but I will eventually. My light is going to come back.
Hello Yoko, I am Cheryl Wozny, current author of the Verbal Abuse in Relationships blog. Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. It takes courage to speak the truth about your situation. I am glad to hear that you have begun your healing journey. Taking the proper steps to find peace is essential for creating a healthy life. Please feel free to visit our resources page https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer… for more information on helpful hotlines and referral resources.