WARNING: This story contains graphic descriptions of a world without Santa. As regular readers of Funny In The Head know, I am a firm believer that unflinching honesty is at the heart of all emotional well being, mental health, and peace of mind. Ignoring reality is not the best way to heal one’s inner child, and so, the day comes when we all must face [Spoiler Alert] the death of Santa Claus. Losing a beloved authority figure is like a roundhouse punch to the solar plexus, dealing with it is rough. Here, for your comfort and joy, are the Seven Stages Of Santacide, and how to deal with them.

"I’m mad about sanity and wild about good manners." Taz Mopula These are wonderful days to be whackadoomius! Awareness of mental health issues is at an all-time high, and those of us troubled by unruly squirrels have a cornucopia of resources to draw upon. But it was not always thus. Medical care specifically targeted towards mental health is a relatively recent phenomenon, and while we all understand our indebtedness to giants like Carl Jung and Oprah Winfrey, lesser lights responsible for pushing the discipline forward are often overlooked. Doctor Zick Meind Pfrawed is one of these unjustly slighted geniuses. Fortunately, a recent surge of interest in this complex, daring man has revealed that his contribution to the field of psychoanalysis is far greater than originally thought.

"Driving with your eyes closed doesn't actually make you invisible; but it might as well." Taz Mopula It is widely understood that, to legally operate an automobile in the United States, one must possess a valid driver’s license. It is further understood that driving a car is considered a privilege which can be revoked at any time for various reasons. The individual who drives while intoxicated is considered a menace to himself and society so, to protect the general welfare, police officers are entitled to stop automobiles and administer field sobriety tests. Some jurisdictions even set up Field Sobriety Checkpoints. Inebriated drivers caught in these snares are severely punished, and drunk driving decreases as a result. Well and good, you say, but what’s being done about the equally chilling danger of DWI – Driving While Insane? Sadly, the answer is - not much! But that is all about to change thanks to the imminent introduction of Random Sanity Testing and Sanity Testing Checkpoints!

"If you need brain surgery it’s almost always a good idea to involve other people." Taz Mopula The first time I heard the term “self-medication” I laughed out loud. In searching for an analogy one thinks immediately of the old adage – the lawyer who defends himself has a fool for a client. But that’s when the stakes are low, going free or going to jail. How about when the stakes are high? Sanity versus insanity? Life versus death? Jean Paul Sartre, a very clever fellow, used to play Russian roulette because he was bored. Well, self-medication is like playing Russian roulette with one big difference, all the gun’s chambers contain live ammo. Self-medication – (the term itself is preposterous) - fits nicely into the insufferable arrogance and egotism of mania – as if to say – I can manage this little spot of bother myself with nothing more complicated than some garden-variety drugs. I remember it all too vividly – “throwing gasoline on a fire”.

Feelings Swamp is a children's program hosted by Gator Al. In this week's episode Gator Al welcomes special guest alligator Gladys, and the two of them discuss how the use of "weasel words" often makes it difficult to process emotions in a healthy way.

"It’s not so much what you wear out that matters most but who." Taz Mopula How many times have you found yourself in this all-too-familiar predicament? You’re handcuffed and sitting in the back of a police car, on your way to yet another mental hospital, rehab or county lock-up. As thoughts cascade through your cattywhumpus consciousness like an unruly herd of Slinkies descending a dark, dilapidated staircase, you inadvertently spot your own reflection in the rear view mirror and stop to consider your attire.

“All statements on the Internet are true, including this one.” Taz Mopula Here is a riddle to enjoy. You are walking on a road leading to Basingstoke. You arrive at a junction. The road splits in two. You do not know which road to take. There are two men standing there. You know that one man always lies while the other always tells the truth; but you don’t know which is which. You are only allowed one question to find the right road. You can ask the question to either man. What question will you ask to find out which is the road leading to Basingstoke?

“How drunk do you have to be before cutting your own hair starts to seem like a good idea?” Taz Mopula Long ago, I had a hypothetical girlfriend we’ll call Prunella Entwhistle. Indeed, it was so long ago I was not yet sober and still cheerfully diving headfirst into debauchery as one might leap into a swimming pool. This was during that blissfully ignorant period in my life when I believed that, as a result of facing down bipolar disorder and defeating it, I had become bulletproof. By then I’d recovered from several devastating battles with the terrifying illness referred to at the time as manic depression. I had even written a memoir (Invisible Driving) that chronicled my ordeal. Having walked through fire and survived, I bristled with self-satisfied cockiness and swaggered through life like a cowboy breaking in new jeans.

Sooner or later we are all tormented by that nagging, unnerving question. You know the one. Am I wearing my underwear over my clothes? Is my cheese slipping off the cracker? Am I marching to the beat of a different didgeridoo? Is the diploma in my den from Whassamatta U? Like a pebble wedged firmly in your shoe the uncertainty refuses to leave, taunting and mocking until thinking of anything else is impossible. I’ve been troubled by these moments of existential meltdown for decades, which is why I was so excited when my friends at Kronko told me about self-diagnosis with SynAPPS® - the latest in “smart” applications for iPhones, iPads, and ay caramba. Here’s how it works. As an intelligent application, SynAPPS® records your online activities in order to build, and regularly update, a psychodynamic knowledge base enabling it to gauge your sanity quotient on demand.

and NOW a word from our SPONSOR! When a mental health disorder leaves you at the mercy of your moods, life can be challenging! But let’s not kid ourselves; you can be a challenge, too. Friends, family members, and associates may wonder, “Is this a good time to bring up that sensitive subject, or should I wait?” With Mood Minder® from Kronko, they’ll never have to guess again! Just a few keystrokes and the folks in your life can download an Emotional Weather Forecast™ for the day, week, or even month! Friends will know exactly what kind of behavior to expect from you, regardless of how random, irrational, or annoying it might be.