Withholding Contact: When Silence Is Worse Than Verbal Abuse

Withholding contact is something your partner could do that could make you feel worse than hearing his verbal abuse. Picture yourself in a relationship in which there are no violent outbursts, no explosive fits of rage, no words thrown at you like hand grenades, in which your only punishments are silence and deprivation. It may sound like a favorable option to anyone on the frontline of a verbally abusive relationship, but so-called "withholding" is a particularly insidious method of abuse that deprives us of our basic comforts and makes us feel less than human. Here's why verbal abusers withhold verbal and physical contact, and how to respond.

Withholding Contact Can Affect Us More than Verbal Abuse

Perversely, one of the verbal abuser's most effective methods is to withhold contact entirely. He will ignore all of your efforts to communicate until you're literally pleading for him to acknowledge you. He may ask basic questions such as, "Did you walk the dog today?" or "Have you seen my keys?" but he will avoid all unnecessary interaction with you unless you're around others.

So why does this happen? According to The Good Men Project, verbal abusers withhold contact when they need to reestablish their dominance and encourage us to resubmit.¹

Your partner's absurd argument is that if you just give up your silly notion of having a healthy, communicative relationship between two equal partners and resubmit to emotional domination and abuse, the warmth and love will return.

This rings true for my experience and helps me to understand why I felt like I was imagining the abuse in my relationship. My ex-boyfriend regularly denied me affection, communication and even information for days or weeks at a time. He would often take off in the middle of the night and not tell me where he was going or when he would be back; other times he refused to even look at me, but he would never accept that any of this was strange or that I deserved any better.

I now recognize that his need for control was born out of fear, but at the time it made me feel like a ghost, like I was less than nothing.

How Do I Stop an Abuser from Withholding Contact?

Make no mistake: withholding contact is a form of emotional blackmail, and it is not okay under any circumstances. Your partner will tell you he has "every right" to take some space or that he's not obliged to talk to you because of something you've done. He will say that you're "overreacting" to his vow of silence or that you deserve to be ignored. He may not even make eye contact with you. It is painful to be on the receiving end of this behavior, so here's what to do when it starts.

• Leave home for a few days. Explain that you're going to stay with family friends, or even in a hotel until he is ready to stop withholding contact and start to communicate.
• Seek affection from friends and family. Although the comfort you receive from loved ones won't replace the kind of intimacy you get from a spouse, it will help you feel less alone.
• Set clear boundaries. Tell your partner that unless his behavior changes, the relationship will end for good. Be prepared to follow through with this threat if the withholding continues.
• Don't pander to his needs. Don't beg him; don't pester him. Calmly explain that his behavior towards you is not okay and that it needs to change if he wants to continue the relationship.

I realize that these actions require willpower and self-belief, both of which are difficult to muster when you feel hollow inside. However, the only way to stop the abuse is to tell your partner that you won't accept the verbal abuse anymore. He may not acknowledge your threats unless you leave, which might be your best and only option if he continues to treat you as if you don't matter.

Resources

¹ Fiffer, T. G. (2015, March 26). When Your Partner Stops Giving: The Silent Pain of Emotional Withholding. Retrieved October 23, 2017.