Ways to Explain Self-Harm Scars to Children

I think this is a very brave read. Not many people would be willing to broach this topic with children. Children have a way of very innocently calling us out on things that we oftentimes don't want to be open out, but they can actually provide a very supportive base for us to share. I think your suggestions for age-appropriate responses, and questions to ask yourself about your relationship with the child is incredibly helpful.

Not having the internet or much other support back when my self harm scars were fresh, I was left to tell my young cousin about them using my own imagination. I told her I was accident prone. And that I had gotten this set of scars from a rosebush and that one from reaching into a soapy dishpan and hitting a knife etc. She was fascinated. So much so that she led me to her mother and started to tell my aunt how I had gotten each scar. I was horrified. But my aunt didn't give me away. She went along with the stories. I'm curious now to know at what point my cousin figured out the truth. I should ask her some time.

I am so happy to see this article. I am 43. I started self harm in 7th grade in 1987 and it continued into my early 20s. I thought I was a freak. No one else did THIS. But at age 25 in the ER for a sprain, the nurse gently asked if I was a "cutter" . Never heard of it. She gave me some pamphlets and seeing the age of my oldest scars, hugged me and said "look online. You thought you were the only one? I'm so sorry. You were carrying a heavy secret AND the pain that incited cutting. Look at the links. You're not alone."
I am grateful for the article. I was a member of my own little tribe that didn't want to be bound by this shared compulsion. But I wasn't solo. A few years after, self harm became almost a fashion accessory for the way people posted pics online. And I was disheartened to see teens fight over the classifications of emo and goth etc by who bleeds. When I was a kid/preteen I would have been grateful for a role model/camp counselor/ older cousin who was able to talk candidly about the topic. In hindsight, I had 3 - one of each but we didn't get a dialogue hoping
going until I started to write a piece on recovery and self injury.. Thanks. Very very much for the article.

I have scars and have been wondering how to explain to my kids because I have to hide them and during the summer I cannot wear shorts above the knee or sleeveless t shirts. I'm wondering g if they would be angry at me for what I've done.

My son is 9 now. I have so many scars all over my body. I don’t hide them anymore. When he was small, I would tell him silly things like a tiger got me. Periodically, he asks more as he grows. We have an honestly policy that goes both ways. I promise to tell him everything as long as it’s age appropriate. I’m wondering if soon will be that time and we can have a dialogue about better ways to deal with feelings and tools we can use that I didn’t have when I was younger.

I started "cutting" when I was 13. It was completely unheard of at that time. My best friend saw a cut on my arm and thought it was a suicide attempt. I half-heartedly agreed, because although I hadn't been planning on killing myself, I didn't really know or understand what I had been doing. It wasn't until years later that I read a magazine article that called it self mutilation, and I realized that what they were describing was exactly what I had been doing.
I'm 35 now and less than a week ago, my 20 month old niece pointed to a scar on my arm and said "uh oh, Katie! Ouch!". I was completely taken aback and didn't know what to say. I realize that she is completely not ready to hear about issues like self injury and right now I can probably just say " yes, auntie katie got a boo boo, but it's getting better now.". The challenge is going to be as she gets older, trying to discern when is the right time to start talking about the truth.
Thank you for your article. It gives me some more concrete things to think about before that conversation happens.

Hiya, i self harm and my son who is 10 has seen my scars which are fresh and bloody still, i know he will ask me and am thinking to tell him the whole truth?
He is a very intelligent 10 year old exceeding at school, am i right or wrong in thinking telling him will lead him into being able to help me ?

I looked up this subject because I just found out my granddaughter, 16, burned and cut herself for a period of time. No new cuts or burns but she’s been hiding them from the family. I worry about her 7, 9 and 10 year old cousins who adore her. They’re all very sweet and empathetic and sensitive and I worry they’ll be devastated by knowing she burned and cut herself. This post was helpful. I’ll share it with the adults in the family.

I started self harming in year 7 (12 years old), it started mild but over the years it became life threatening. I was in and out of hospitals for stiches almost every night of the week. At 15 my mother was told to start planning a funeral for me because I was told at the rate I was going I will not make it to 16. My little brother 7 at the time asked my mother what my scars were from. She told him that I hurt myself. It made him very very upset and he started trying to harm himself too. I saw that and I stopped self harming. My mother became an alcoholic so I stood up and became a mother figure for my brother. One night I got him out of the bath and I was putting him to bed. I wasn’t wearing long sleeves because my scars were faiding. Then my brother pointed at my arm and asked “what happened”, and I decided to tell him “the angels tried taking me home, but I fought, and they ended up hurting me but I won”, now I’m 16, and last week he said to me “I’m glad the angels didn’t win”. Now he also saw someone down the street with scars, he pointed at them and told me “she won too!! Can I give her a hug”, I walked up to the stranger and just started a conversation. I told the woman that my brother wants to give her a hug. I explained that I am a survivor too, and what I told him about what my scars are from.
She smiled so much and got a hug from my brother. My biggest fear is when I have children what will I tell them? Then I realised I don’t wanna lie to them and make up some story. So I will tell them about how the angels tried taking me home but I wasn’t ready. Then when they become older I’ll explain to them why I said that. Which is:
Life became so hard so I decided I wanted to go to heaven. The angels kept trying to take me. But I survived, I decided heaven can wait.

I think honesty is important, especially with children. Children are smarter than we adults give them credit for. Lying will only create mistrust.
Explaining that self harm to a child, let’s say age 9 and smart:
When I was young I didn’t know how to express my emotions and I would get really sad or mad at myself and I would take it out on myself. I was a bully to myself. I hurt myself when I didn’t understand what I was feeling or when I didn’t know how to ask others for help. But with the right help, with a counselor, I was able to learn how to identify my own emotions and I learned how to express my emotions and most importantly, I learned to ask for help when I was upset or sad. I healed because I asked for help when I needed it. Self harm Scars are the same as battle wounds , a battle with yourself. I’ve won because I am brave and I ask for help.

Ummmmmm "When I was angry I would take it out on myself." and lie to them? This is bad advice

My 9year old has noticed my wrist scars. I deflected answering because when my girls have noticed when younger I said I’d scratched it on something but I wasn’t sure now as I wondered if I should adjust my answer now. With my eldest, she is only 10, and she his not going well emotionally. She wanted to ‘die’ last year due to peers. But she is also prone to mimicking (she is possibly on the spectrum). I would hate to explain it to her and cause her to use the idea. She already pulls out her hair and eyelashes and that’s not even when she’s anxious, just relaxed. My 9 year old stressed a lot. I think I’ll wait till they’re a bit older to explain more.

Hey,
I work as a swimming teacher, so naturally this is come up with some students. The younger years accept that I wasnt kicking my legs fast enough and an octopus got me, but the older ones dont believe that anymore. Its really hard because I dont want to introduce them to a topic their parents dont want brought up, it could become a safeguarding issue for me. Ive deflected most of the time, but this was really helpful- thankyou! -Kit

I haven’t run into this situation yet but I know getting older and being around more children I inevitably will. This article definitely helped a lot just to know that there are people who understand and want to help those of us with this stigmatized issue. Children are very impressionable and I worry about kids who may look up to me and think this behavior is an okay way to handle difficult emotions.
I feel as though children (4 and older) can tell when you’re lying and will continue to ask if you do, but if you tell them the truth the first time they ask, they probably won’t ask again until their adolescence or teens. I’ll probably try my best to tell them the truth in a way that lets them know that I don’t think it was okay that I did this and I don’t ever want anyone to do something like this. Maybe something along the lines of, “when I was young I was hurting a lot and I’m not proud of it but I hurt myself and I really wish I didn’t. I wish I handled my emotions better and I hope everyone learns healthy ways to cope with their sad or angry/hurt/painful feelings.”
If they are toddlers and just starting to learn language they’ll probably just point it out and won’t ask why, to which I’ll say “I know ouchie, but it’s all better now.”
Thank you so much for this article and a lot of these comments. This post has helped me tremendously. I honestly feel like a piece of me has healed a bit inside. To anyone reading this please know that you are loved and you are not alone. All the best