"Being" the Parent

My sister and (soon-to-be-ex) brother-in-law told their oldest daughter, my 9-year-old niece, they are getting a divorce. My sister and the girls will move into a duplex; their dad will stay in the house. It's an amicable situation (at least, as amicable as it can be)--no custody battles, no front-lawn fights, no holidays ending in thrown dishes.

And my niece, who has always had problems with anxiety, is apparently taking it about as well as...whatever the opposite of "well" is.

"I don't think I can do this now," read my sister's email to me this morning. "She's a mess. And it's making me a mess, too."

I've recently figured out people tend to come to me for "tough love"--when they need the no-holds-barred, non-sugar-coated version of the truth most people don't want to give them for fear of being too harsh. I've learned in my lifetime reality often is harsh, and avoiding it never did anyone any favors.

What I told my sister may have sounded downright mean to most people, but I felt like she needed to hear it: Stop feeding into the drama. You need to let her know that yes, it sucks, but it is what it is, it's happening, and you will all be okay in the end.

Of course I'm not so callous as to believe that's all she needs to do. I learned (the hard way) that children, while resilient, still need the guidance of a parent who tells them what is going on, rather than just assume they aren't old enough to understand and act as if nothing is out of the ordinary. The division of a family, moving from the only home ever known, all of it is beyond big to a child, particularly one prone to anxiety anyway--but it is survivable.

The key factor in any child's progression through trauma is the parent's ability to "suck it up" and be there for the child as a leader, a guide, a source of comfort, and the person who will remain constant. Easier said than done when you want nothing more than to curl up into a ball and wait for it all to go away. (Hint: it rarely does.)

I've been guilty of putting my head in the sand and leaving Bob to his own devices because it was too hard for me to Be the Parent and do what I had to do. I like to think he didn't suffer too greatly for my inability, but I hate that he suffered at all.

I really hope my sister is able to "fake it til you feel it" enough to convince my nieces it will all be okay. Because it will. Once the new reality is in play, everything will fall into place, for them, and for all of us. Even if it doesn't seem that way now.