Mad Dogs Get A New Leash On Life

Much has been written about mental illness among human beings, but almost nothing about mind maladies among those of the canine persuasion, aka man’s best friend, or, more popularly, dogs.

Of course, we are all familiar with the anti-canine mental illness stigma, phrases like “mad dog” and “rabid” and “roll over” are only too common, even today. But there is precious little written on the subject of puppy perturbation, crazy canine syndrome, and you ain’t nothing but a hound dog-itis.

Noted canine psychologist Chumley Entwhistle pointed out in his groundbreaking text – “Relax, Things Are Ruff All Over” – that, “there are no mad dogs, only mad dog owners.” A controversial figure in the canine mental health community; Entwhistle is also on record as having said “it is always the mother’s fault, half the time you don’t even know who the father is!”

While individual psychoses are the result of breed-specific neuroses in combination with the highly contagious mental illnesses of owners, veterinarians, and trainers, Entwhistle shocked the canine psychology community by positing something he refers to as “species-deep doggy degeneration syndrome”. While not universally accepted, this theory put “Relax, Things Are Ruff All Over” right in the center of a debate that has raged for ages.

One can summarize Entwhistle’s theory thusly. The origin of what we call dogs may be traced back about 30,000 years to the domestication of wolves. Wolves were, and are, widely known to be highly intelligent, social, devoted and independent, preferring the company of their like and shunning outsiders. Proud and fierce, ruthless, relentless hunters, they demonstrate an almost Spartan willingness to do battle under even the most inhospitable circumstances.

Domestication of wolves happened gradually, unintentionally, according to Entwhistle. Early humans noticed wolves lurking about campsites, hiding in shadows, opportunistically snatching a scrap of food here and there. In time, humans, (who were even dimmer then than they are today), realized that there were utilitarian reasons to keep these beasts about and thus was a partnership born, growing steadily stronger as it dragged its muddy paws across the carpet of time.

Entwhistle maintains that it is the character of the defecting wolves that provides the source of “species-deep doggy degeneration syndrome”. The fiercely proud and independent wolves stayed far away from the “wolf who walks” as they called humans. Whereas, wolves that wandered into campsites, heading for human companionship, tended to be unambitious, chronic nail biters, paranoid, second-bananas, whiners, frequently suffering from eating disorders.

Whether by design or default, mankind did not mold his new friend from the best and the brightest, quite the contrary, he began the task with breed members challenged by questions as simple as, “Who’s a good boy?”

In sum, Entwhistle points to species-wide feelings of inadequacy, desperate need for approval, and an obsessive desire to chew smelly tennis shoes as evidence enough that anti-social behavior in canines is not proof of mental illness at all but genetically reinforced bad doggitude, continually rewarded by society.