The Insanity Clause – When Santa Wrestles With Mental Illness

The holidays are fast upon us and that means it’s more important than ever to remember what they are all about – the spirit of giving!

Specifically, the happiness others experience when they give things to me! Lots of things – flashy, superficial things - digital things made in China – housed in cheap, plastic cases offending the eye with their bawdy, grotesque colors! You betcha! Bring it on! Forget subtlety! At holiday time anything worth doing is worth overdoing; good taste is bad and bad taste is great!

At Christmas We Are Children Once Again; Hideous, Greedy Children

No matter how old, disillusioned, grouchy, sneezy, and dopey we become; deep within each one of us lives that insatiably selfish child expecting waves of lavish gifts from Santa. Like wretched miniature warehouse foremen we tick off delivered items and match them against our master list of expectations; which we thoughtfully sent Santa weeks ago via FedEx, return receipt requested.

Unfortunately we are too consumed with resentments brewing over the things Santa didn’t get us to stop for a moment and thank him; much less consider what his incredible journey of giving may have cost him. Because, gentle reader, Santa too has struggled with bouts of mental illness over the centuries.

OCD Santa: On one occasion, Christmas almost came to a grinding halt when Santa fell into the clutches of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He made a list. He checked it twice. Then he checked it again, and again, and again, and again. Production stopped, Mrs. Claus panicked. The elves became so agitated they had to form an elf-help group. This raised their level of elf-awareness, but didn’t help Santa.

Kleptomania Santa: Law enforcement officials still refuse to discuss the year Santa returned to the North Pole with a bag twice the size of the one he left it with. Interviewed years after the incident Santa confessed, “You cannot imagine the temptation. I’m in and out of a house in seconds, it’s just so easy!”

Sex-Addict Santa: A marriage able to endure the challenges of centuries almost failed to survive the shocking aftermath of the holiday season when Santa abused his knowledge of the exact location of all the world’s naughty girls. Mrs. Claus admitted in an Oprah exclusive interview, “I can still recall the gusto and good cheer in his voice when he arrived back home. Ho, ho, ho, indeed.”

Substance Abuser Santa: Santa ran afoul of the bottle for a bit, Mrs. Claus, a classic enabler, took over. The Jolly One hit bottom when, after a binge lasting weeks, he began screaming and demanding to go to a detox. When Mrs. Claus asked him why, Santa confessed he was hallucinating creepy little men in pointy hats, swinging hammers and arguing in bizarre high-pitched voices. He calmed down after Mrs. Claus explained that the scene, while weird, was real, and not a hallucination.

So this year, if Santa is a little late, or brings you something other than what you asked for, be indulgent - remember the Insanity Clause.