Get the Most Out of Dissociative Identity Disorder Support

Hello Holly....and Thank you. I have been reading your blog with fascination for a couple of weeks now. I have been amazed, and envious of the way you are able to express exactly what I feel, but cannot express. I decided to sign up here a few days ago with the intent to finally try to express myself, but then chickened out.
After reading this, I thought....if this post doesn't bring me out, then nothing will. So here I am.
I started seeing my current therapist 8 years ago. I wanted some help for my "anxiety issues". She knew pretty early on that I had DID, but she also knew she had to tread very lightly around me with that diagnosis because I would walk out and never come back. She had been working with me for years just focusing on my PTSD. That was a diagnosis I could accept.
She tried to finally tell me two years ago about my DID, but I wouldn't talk about it. Yeah....so I have some different masks, and they somehow change sometimes, with or without my knowledge. Doesn't everybody? I have large gaps in my memory. Doesn't everybody? I could go on and on. This past year....I finally took her advice to keep a journal. I wrote for a couple of weeks, then went back to read it. I couldn't believe what I was reading. I had no choice but to see the switching. It was right there on paper. That finally forced me to accept it. I am also pretty high functioning which made my diagnosis even harder to accept. I didn't realize that my diagnosis was 'why' I'm high functioning. Without DID, I probably wouldn't function at all.
I am finally starting to be okay with my diagnosis, and actually see it as the gift that allowed me to survive. I have a long way to go, obviously.
Anyway....sorry this is so long. I really just wanted to thank you, Holly. Outside of my work, I keep myself totally isolated. You have given me the courage to come out.
Keep up the good work. I have great admiration for your ability to express what many of us cannot.
-- Mareeya

thank you. that is all they will let me say without feeling too exposed.

Seemingly small acts of kindness can mean so much. A smile, an acknowledgment, a comment on a blog... They're all ways of saying "I see you", "I'm listening", "You're important". The value of that can never be underestimated.
I'm glad you're getting a part of what you need out of the interactions Holly. It takes huge amounts of courage and strength to open ourselves up, even just a little bit. But the rewards of taking that risk, can be huge.
Mareeya, you described so much of how I cope and function in the world. I'm considered high-functioning, but the only reason for that is the high level of compartmentalisation that goes into every day. It sounds like you have a really good working relationship with your therapist...
Take care,
CG

Hi Manymes,
Any communication is a courageous step.
Take care,
CG

Hi Holly, I really get what you are talking about. There is a book I read once called Exposure Anxiety by Donna Williams which is about exactly what the title describes, how incredibly painful it can be to feel that you are seen by others in this world, really seen. And even though this book is written more for people with Autism and Aspergers it can apply to anyone with anxiety issues and more. I certainly felt it in many ways applied to myself as someone with DID. Because to ask for help one must expose truths about themselves to others and this is almost contrary to the creation and consequent covert nature of DID.
All my life I have hidden who I am and what I have been thinking and feeling, many times when I was young, out of necessity.  And this became so entrenched I lost the ability to know these things about myself. And I certainly believed that to allow others to see me was to court invasion and pain. Hiding inside myself was the only way to keep myself safe. Even now when I am finally starting to let others in in very small amounts, I suffer psychic pain doing so and also somatic pain. So when my husband for example asks me a personal question about my DID, I at times feel this incredible urge to grit my teeth, hyperventilate, and curl up into a ball. I also experience strong nerve pain in my lower back which activates like absolute clock work when I feel exposed. Usually during these times I try not to lie which is always my first instinct, and inside keep telling myself to breathe slowly and it will all be over in a minute and I can get through this short conversation. All this when asked just one personal question about who I really am, or how I really experience the world. Funnily enough I don't have this same trauma when I talk to you or others with DID on the internet. Maybe because I know all of you understand the psychic pain that can be involved with feeling exposed. And I think this is why many of us find it so hard to ask for help or accept it, because asking for help exposes our needs or difficulties and opens up our reality to others. At times a very scary thing to do. 

Hi Holly, hi Kerri. Being out as having DID is difficult but I'm amazed that for some people, its just 'oh, ok' and some will ask questions, some will say things like 'oh well you're always just one Donna to me' which is sort of like saying 'you don't look like someone with diabetes'. Some will say which of my selves they've met or ask me to help them identify who is/was who. Some will say which ones they liked or found challenging, then I'll advocate for those ones they didn't like so everyone knows inside they are equal. My husband is wonderful, loves them all and insists they are all loved equally, though differently, no matter what. So it does get better, inside and in interactions with the external world. But DID is alienating though it helps to remember we are still part of human diversity.
Donna et al.

Lots of people that I know (and yes, I have been diagnosed many years ago with DID) are highly functional and dissociative. I was too for several years after starting memory work with my first therapist.
DID is nothing to be ashamed of. Every human at one time or another (this is MY thinking....) has had an 'dissociative' moment. However, due to the fact that most dissociation is caused by some sort of psychological distress not all people goes on to develop different personalities or personality states.
DID is one of the least understood personality disorders. I feel because of the fact that it was one of the most stigmatized ones early on!