How to Maintain a Healthy Marriage with Borderline PD

I just celebrated my first marriage anniversary. When I was younger, my borderline personality disorder (BPD) symptoms were so intense that I struggled to maintain long-term, healthy relationships. However, I have adopted some strategies to keep my marriage and myself healthy. 

Navigating One Year of Marriage with BPD

I had multiple long-term relationships before my marriage. However, they were far from healthy in most cases. My BPD symptoms were so intense that I sabotaged many of these partnerships and frequently picked verbal fights. My fear of abandonment was also so strong that during and after any conflict, I would feel terrified and full of self-hatred.

Although I wouldn't say that my BPD is cured, I have noticed that my symptoms have lessened. Due to therapy and ongoing work, I don't see the same dramatic insecurities coming up within my marriage. For example, I don't feel the same urges to control my husband or manipulate him into not leaving me. 

I also feel a lot more stable within my relationship. My emotional state, in general, is calmer than it used to be. Additionally, I can handle small arguments or differences in opinion without feeling like my marriage is ending. Overall, I experience less of the fear of being left. 

Tips for Maintaining a Healthy Marriage with BPD

Here are some of the tips I use to maintain a healthy marriage while living with BPD:

1. Accept the differences: My husband and I have different political views and values. At the start of our relationship, we used to fight a lot, and I used to take the conflicts personally. Now, I try to accept that we see the world differently and look for common ground in our discussions.
2. Accept responsibility: In previous relationships, I would put the burden of my emotional state on my partner. Now, I try to take more responsibility for my mental wellbeing. For example, I take time-outs when I'm getting too stimulated and focus on soothing myself. 
3. Don't obsess about the future: As I have anxiety, I often get caught in obsessing about future scenarios, including ones related to my marriage. However, I try to notice when my brain gets stuck in thought loops and take myself out of the situation. I might distract myself with another activity or have a nap.
4. Trust more: I am a controlling person by nature. However, I try to trust my husband to do the things he says he will do. Additionally, I try to recognize when I am struggling with paranoid thought patterns and distract myself until I can rationalize them.
5. Pursue friendships: I am not the most social person in the world. However, I struggle if I only get interaction from my husband. He encourages me to actively pursue friendships, and I try to make time for socialization with others. 
6. Commit: I think that maintaining a healthy marriage has a lot to do with mindset. I remind myself that I chose this path for various reasons. As such, I try not to play into fears of being trapped or other commitment-related obsessions.

In the video below, I talk about how I deal with my fear of commitment and abandonment within my marriage:

How do you maintain a healthy marriage or long-term relationship? Let me know in the comments section below.