BPD and Spirituality: Hazardous But Healing River (pt. 1)

Becky, I'm so sad that your experience in church is what it was. I hope you're able to find a community in the future that accepts you just as you are and still treats you as one of God's beloved children.
I had a similar experience in the church I grew up in. For a long time, I hid my mental illness (bipolar II & eating disorder) because I knew how my church "family" would react -- by saying many of the things you stated above. Luckily, I found a community of believers that is far more open. When my pastor said from the pulpit that he believed that medication is one way that God can heal anxiety, depression, etc., I knew it was home.

"It is important to treat the individual suffering from mental illness with respect, love, compassion, grace, and dignity."
I get where you're going with this but see it slightly differently. It's not just people with mental illnesses that need to be treated with "respect, love, compassion, grace and dignity". Every person needs to be treated that way regardless of their mental health, physical health, race, class, ethnicity, sexuality, gender, etc. I might be stating the obvious but I'm not convinced that people with mental illnesses need to be treated differently in and by the Church. If we treated everyone this way, then firstly it would be doing as Christ commanded and secondly it would go a good way to demolish the stigma of difference. We need to educate in terms of the stigmatizing messages people give out, but I think there is a need to learn to treat all as we would want to be treated ourselves (including those with mental illness, we are people too after all).

I've just put something on my website about "The Mental-Health-Friendly Church." Mental health issues are so often misunderstood by people in the church.

I've stumbled upon this site in my attempt to try to learn how to effectively minister to someone who I believe has Borderline Personality Disorder. I am a pastor's wife in a small church and also the worship leader. I've been having some issues with one of the ladies in our church. She has shared with me that she had a traumatic childhood and has been seeing a therapist for over two years now. Although she has not shared with me her diagnosis I've done some research and have come to believe that she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. For the first two years that she attended our church things were fine between us and we developed a fairly close friendship. Although her tendency to idealize me made me uncomfortable it was not (unfortunately) a rare thing for people to try to stick me up on a pedestal and so I didn't see it as a red flag that something more serious was going on with her. The issues arose about six months ago when I confronted her on some things she was doing that the Bible teaches a Christian should not do. At the time I confronted her she was on the worship team, which is considered a leadership position at our church. People in a leadership position sign an agreement that they will do their best to live according to the Bible and so I tried to talk with her about the things she was doing to hopefully teach her and help her turn away from those behaviors. I tried my best to do this in a loving and kind way, but I also didn't suspect at that time that she struggled with a personality disorder. I was blindsided when she quit the worship team, threatened to quit attending church, and began accusing me of treating her bad, constantly telling her what she was doing that was wrong, and saying things I never said like she was garbage and not worth anything. We were able to resolve enough that she still attends our church and she says she wants to remain friends, although our friendship is pretty fragile at this point and I don't know how to restore it. I have tried to put the past behind us but she frequently brings up the fact that I made her feel worthless and like she isn't as good as other people in the church. She also frequently tells me that she is torn between wanting to quit attending our church because I made her feel so bad and wanting to stay because she loves attending our church and she loves me and my husband and misses us when she doesn't go to church. Although I only talked to her three times about what she did and haven't brought it up at all for almost four months I still get accused of constantly telling her everything she is doing that is wrong.
I want to help this lady but I don't know how to do that. I was able to find some advice online about how to live with a family member who has a personality disorder and less about maintaining a friendship with one. There is almost nothing online about being a pastor to someone with a personality disorder. Your advice is one of the few things I've found and it is very brief. The first thing you suggest I can do. I definitely can recognize her problem as a mental disorder, although in trying to understand why she was behaving the way she was I think I inadvertently diagnosed her as struggling with BPD. Maybe I should try to just let that go, but how can I help her without understanding why she behaves the way she does? The second I don't have to do, she is already seeking help, although I have some doubts as to the effectiveness of the therapist she sees because it doesn't seem to be making anything better. The third and fourth things on your list I wish you could elaborate on. How can my husband and I provide a supportive pastoral relationship during treatment? To be a pastor means you teach the Word of God to the people in your church. It doesn't work to try and teach this woman, because she either takes one thing I say and twists it into something different and worse, or she denies that she did anything wrong. For example, if she treats another person in an unkind manner and I bring to her attention that she is acting in a way the Bible says we shouldn't she flips out because now (in her eyes) I have just called her bad and worthless, and at the same time she denies doing anything bad to this person because she did so many good things to them before. It's like she can't admit that she did anything wrong ever, so she recites the list of everything she ever did for this person that was good as proof that she couldn't possibly ever do something wrong or bad. Another thing I've hit, if I say she treated someone in a rude and unkind way, in her eyes I'm blaming her for everything that happened between her and this other person and saying that the other person never did anything wrong ever, so now I have to listen to her recite everything the other person did to her that was bad. She just can't see that she could have done both good and bad things or that she is a good person that did something wrong, in her eyes either she is good or bad. She can't see that someone else did both bad and good, in her eyes they are either all good or everything they ever did was evil and bad. She can't see that her and another peron could both be at fault for something that happened between them, in her eyes it's either all their fault or all hers. At this point I feel like I can't teach her at all, she rejects everything I say. I can love her and pray for her but can't teach her. But do I now just stand by and watch her behave in ways that go against the word of God for fear that she will flip out if I dare suggest she is doing something wrong? I feel like I am a bad friend and minister to watch her self destruct and say nothing. In the time I've known her I've watched her push people away or destroy other friendships she has. She runs a small business and that has suffered because of how she treated people. She has also expressed a desire to get back on the worship team and to be involved in other ministries in the church that are considered leadership positions. How can we allow her to be in leadership at our church if she acts in ways the Bible says a Christian shouldn't act and we can't confront her about it because she reacts so badly? Should I tell her that until she makes some progress in her treatment she shouldn't be in leadership? I hate to do that, because I feel like God can use anyone and I don't want to refuse to put this lady in leadership just because she has a mental illness. At the same time she continues to behave in ways the Bible says we shouldn't and we can't teach her otherwise because of the mental illness so I don't know what to do. If you could give me advice I would appreciate it because I'm at a loss.
The fourth thing you suggest, to maintain a close relationship and offer pastoral counseling during the post-treatment days, without fostering dependency, seems impossible. Can you give me advice? How can I maintain a close relationship with this woman when every week I get several texts or a letter from her about how I said she was no good and would never be good, how I treated her like dirt, how she feels like she isn't safe at our church or isn't wanted, and so on and so on, when all I tried to do was point out four months ago that she was acting in ways that go against what the Bible teaches? I try to just let it go and tell myself that she doesn't mean it and she has problems that are bigger than I can even comprehend, but it's so hard to try and maintain a friendship with someone who half the time acts like they don't want it. I believe her when she says she is torn, because she acts like two different people. How can I maintain this friendship? She won't or can't forgive me for things I never even said. And how can my husband and I counsel her without her feeling like we are attacking her? If we say "You are not acting in a compassionate manner towards this person at this time." she twists it into "You are not a compassionate person." No matter how many times we calmly say "No, that's not what I said." we are met with "Well that's how I feel!" and that's the end of it and she wont let it go that we made her feel that way for months. Are we not supposed to bring up to her anything she is doing that is less than perfect? If you could give me any advice at all I would appreciate it so much!
I'm sorry this was so long. I don't know where else to turn. If you know of a blog or books to recommend I would appreciate anything. Anything you can point me to would be helpful and I would be so thankful! I really do love this woman and want so badly to help her but I just don't know how.

I have been diagnosed with Borderline when I was 8 years old....yes, 8!!!! That's not supposed to happen but nevertheless, it happened.....by a legitimate therapist I had while in foster care! I grew up in foster care by the way where all I got was what is wrong with me by therapists and some foster homes, not all. The more a person is told they are something or have something that is of the flesh, not spiritual
, they act like it more n more. You need to tell her she is a new creation, not her sin, covered by the blood and so Fourth. My current therapist thinks I was misdiagnosed but the problem is I have Borderline traits however, not all! I idolized pple but I don't destroy people! I have major abandonment issues and I have severe depression and anxiety! Yes, I can have anger issues too but I've gotten a lot stronger! I was part of a church that is non denominational born again and I was very involved! I taught preschool and sang in song service. I even went to their bible college in Baltimore, MD for one year. I still consider myself born again and believe in most things I was taught. I stopped going because one while I was at the pastor's home with his wife, he said I was a paranoid schizo. I have never been diagnosed as schitzofrenia but he just through it out there without knowing my past or even asking me. I was diagnosed at 15 with OCD. I have been anorexic and was at the time in the church. They would say things like....."you're a classic case of anorexia". instead of trying to help me. They also loved me too but they didn't do anything to try n help me! I only started getting help when I left. However, I know it's not all their fault and that's what makes me different from many borderlines. I don't go and destroy people! I admit my wrongs, I blame but only when warented such as, I didn't grow up with my father.....he was permitted to have schitzofrenia too but I don't know....anyway, years later when I was in the church, I met him again and it was a very happy time for me. One day he went to meet with the pastor. He came out feeling upset but didn't tell me what went on, neither did pastor. A week later, he committed suicide. I asked my pastor what went on in the meeting. He said that my dad wanted to let out his guilt and talk about it but he wouldn't let him discuss his guilt. Instead, he said where have u been all these years....Look at what you have done to their mother and your kids. You need to get right with God! A week later, he's dead......I blame my pastor for his suicide and although I believe in forgiveness and need to forgive him, it's hard! Point is, the bible says not to look at a man after his flesh but to only see him through the new man or woman in your case. If you continue to acknowledge her problems and fleshy faults, you are not acknowledging Grace, Mercy and the blood of Christ which covers sin! God the Father cannot see your sin because you are covered in the blood of Jesus's sacrifice for all the world therefore, look not upon her sin and don't acknowledge it to her but be aware of it so that you can pray and as a pastor's wife, it's not your job to just pray a one minute prayer. You should be interfering for her....to God on her behalf. If you don't get on your knees and cry for her to God to heal her then you aren't doing your job. Do u need to always be on your knees, no but what counts is your heart for her, not the friendship but the heart of God for her! I know my pastor and his wife love me and I think they have changed in some ways too when I run into them. Iam also considering going back because I have gotten stronger in the spirit to be able to stand with God in my own walk instead of idolizing but to also see people as imperfect human beings who are on their own walk with God.....by the way, there are three pple who I used to idolize in that church and the pastor's wife is one of them. I didn't have the kind of friendship with her that u had with this woman though because my pastors wife was more closed......we hugged all the time but we never hung out as friends.......my church actually doesn't believe in friendship outside the church. They consider it soul power and fleshy......another reason I left but not the main reason! I think it was a bunch of reasons, not one big one. Anyway, I have been out of church for 15 years now. I have gone downhill many times, been in the hospital three or four times yet am also stronger in many ways because of all this. I long to be in a church community but not one who orders people to obey the pastor or acknowledges your sin......Jesus never acknowledged a person's sin......I recently heard a story about two pple. I don't know them. One was a lesbian and the other was a Christian friend. The Christian friend never once brought up homosexuality as being a sin.....never even brought up the term and one day down the road, this lesbian became a Christian and left homosexuality and in her testimony, she said it was her Christian friend's love and never mentioning her sin that led her to be saved and change.....and not I'm not secretly talking about myself lol, I am married to a man....which is also struggling! If you want to talk with me or if any true Christian wants to talk with me, my email is bonnaleesa@gmail.com.....please put in the subject line.......Christian Borderline forum. Iam an imperfect Christian who is trying to get closer to God and be healed! Only God can do it but on a final note, Iam not against medication. I have been on it and it doesn't always work but it works well for some people and there is a real thing as chemical imbalance or problems with the amigdila. Don't acknowledge her sin and even appolize for having done it.....remember, you're not confessing to being wrong because you are wrong or bad rather, it's a means to an end, to healing and the bible says to become a victim so to speak because if someone wrongly accuses you.....Jesus did it at the cross......I don't remember the verses of my statements but if you email me, I can look them up. Become a victim for Jesus.....but this is not saying to let her walk all over you, its just to apologize and then tell her you will no longer acknowledge her sin because she is covered by the blood and If Jesus cannot see her sin, neither should you.........Its your job to love but not to convict!
PS, sorry about the long reply but it's my OCD kicking in lolol
Bonnie!
bonnaleesa@gmail.com

There are some silly auto correct issues in my last comment.....when I said my father had schitzofrenia.....I meant to say, he was perported to have it, not permitted lol and when I said you should be interfering for her....that was autocorrect too lol. I meant to say, you should be interceeding to God for her.
Bonnie Lee
bonnaleesa@gmail.com