“I
know you're hurting. It doesn't have to be this way.”
 Problems in Relationships
"You don't love me like I
love you"
Problems can creep in when we start to have thoughts of
“do I love him more than she loves me?” We start examining all the things we do
for our lover. All the ways we express our love and how much time and energy we’re
putting into the relationship. THEN, we try to see if our lover is giving an EQUAL amount
back. If we perceive a discrepancy in that balancing, we start to back off from the
relationship. We don't want to love more than they love. We become fearful that if we love
them more than they love us, we might be played for a fool.
Useful Questions:
- Focus on how you
feel when YOU are loving. Does loving someone feel good regardless if it’s returned?
Is your loving someone conditional on them loving you back? If so, why?
- Do you feel loved
when your partner isn’t around? If not, why not? Do you accept yourself, appreciate
your qualities?
- Have you talked
to your partner about what things cause you to feel loved? (Don’t get caught up in
“if they loved me, they’d know”, cause they don’t.)
"We don't have anything in
common anymore."
You love each other and that's why you got together in
the first place, but you don't really seem to have much in common anymore. You’re
into philosophy and art. They're into sports. You like books and going for walks, and she
always wants to go sailing. But you tell yourself that marriage is a sacrifice. A give and
take. You’ve been told you should put aside your own interests to make the
relationship work. You have to compromise, right? But when you give up what you love for
the sake of the relationship, you end up resenting the person and conclude you don't have
anything in common.
Useful Questions:
- What would happen
if you did what you wanted, and they did what they wanted?
- How much time do
you have to spend with your lover to feel you have a successful relationship? How did you
arrive at that amount? What would it mean if you had separate interests?
- Do you see
yourself and your partner as two separate people who choose to be together or do
you feel obligation?
- Do you believe
“Love means to sacrifice.”? If so, why?
"We
can't talk about that."
Every time you approach
certain subjects, it turns into an argument. Unconsciously you decide to avoid that topic
in the future because you don't want to fight. You don't want the conflict. You believe
fighting means the relationship is on rocky ground or is threatening to the relationship.
You want to stay together, if you fight, you might separate. So you become afraid to talk
about one or two subjects. Over time, that list of "don't touch that one"
becomes more and more numerous. And as the list of avoided topics grows, it starts to feel
like you can't talk with each other anymore. You feel distant and detached. You start
wondering how much longer you can live like this. The silence grows.
Useful Questions:
- Examine your
beliefs about love and arguing. Are you afraid of being hurt in relationships? Does
disagreeing with someone always mean hurt feelings? If so, why? How could you do it
differently?
- If you feel your
best when you are free to be ALL of who you are, what is the point of limiting who you are
with the one you love?
- Is honesty in
your love relationship ever a “wrong” move?
Why do you believe that?
(Read more
about how honesty effects relationships)
Talk to your partner about your concerns while keeping the
focus on YOUR feelings and not their behavior. (Helpful hint: Be watchful of terms like
“you always, you never, you make me feel.” Try this instead: “When you do
this, I make myself feel this”)
- Learn to be more accepting of your partner by
becoming more accepting of yourself.
"It
would be easier to start over with someone else."
Some time has passed in the relationship and you've both
built up lies. Some big ones but mostly small ones. The intentions behind the lies was to
protect yourself and your partner from pain. But now, your problems seem overwhelming and
you can't talk openly and honestly about them because you've already established a certain
pattern of communication. It seems it would be considerably easier to just start fresh
with a new partner. One where you could be yourself without fear.
Useful Questions:
- Is honesty in
your love relationship ever a “wrong” move?
Why do you believe that? (Read more about how honesty effects
relationships)
- Get clear on what
you've lied about to your partner.
- Figure out what
you're afraid would happen if you were honest with them about those issues.
- Talk to your
partner about your concerns of being TOTALLY honest. Keep the focus on YOUR feelings and
not their behavior.
- Muster up the
courage to tell them what you've lied about. Repeat to yourself, "No matter what
happens, I will be okay."
"If you
loved me you would....."
Unmet expectations take a large toll in relationships. In
having expectations, you're expecting your partner to be a certain way in order to believe
they love you and care about you. If you don't get what you expect, you conclude all kinds
of things about the relationship that may not be true.
Useful Questions:
- Do your
expectations have to be fulfilled for you to be happy? If so, why?
- Do you expect
your partner to conform to your wants? What does it mean when they don't?
- Do you have
preset rules in your love relationships? If so, what are they and why?
- Do you find
yourself often saying “he should” or “she should”?
- Do you have any
“If you loved me you would...[fill in the blank]'s”? If so, what are they?
Can you think of a time you didn't do what someone wanted you to do?
Did you love them, even though you didn't do what they wanted? Could it be the same with
your partner?
- Do you use
another’s words and actions as “evidence or proof” that they love you?. If
your partner does that thing or activity you want, then do they love you? If they don't,
is that a sign they don't love you or care? If yes, why?
- Understand
everyone has different wants, desires, and beliefs about what is loving.
- Be
Honest.
- Examine what
expectations you DO have, then openly discuss them with your partner. Find out what theirs
are.
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