"I doubt sometimes whether a
quiet & unagitated life
would have suited me- yet I
sometimes long for it."

Byron 1788-1824

Life with bipolar disorder: An online diary

This is the beginning of my diary. If you'd like to jump right to my latest entry, click here. Or maybe you'd like to know a little bit more about me before you get into my life?

7.2.98

Okay, this is a new page and also a new experience for me. I toughed about it for a long time now, whether to write this one or not and came up with the answer yesterday. This page is already personal. I want it to be that way; and, well, I've already gotten to "second base" with you people, so why not "go all the way"?

I hope it would make sense to you. For me, most of the time, it doesn't. I'm not much of a writer you know. On tests and papers, I can't seem to put two words together, let alone a whole sentence. Some of it is because I'm disgraphic (if you don't know what that means - look it up).

Writing is quite a torture for me and some of it is probably due to the fact that when I write stuff, I know the ones who are going to read it and I become self-conscious about it.

IT HAS TO BE PERFECT !

A computer is different in that sense. It's not personal and when I'm writing this now, I do it for an anonymous crowd. I can't see or imagine the faces and can't really guess what you are thinking now. Well, maybe I can. How about: "Where is all the bipolar stuff" ?

Plus, I'm almost sure no one is ever going to read this. I mean you have to actually go to my web page and all...

Moving onto the important stuff

Now that I'm finished with my rumbling, we can start:

I was diagnosed as bipolar about 6-months ago, not a long time ago. Another diagnosis that was made when I was in the army was "borderline personality disorder." Now I know that was incorrect.

Let me give you some background on myself so you can better understand:

I'm 22, born and living in Israel. I have been a "problem kid" well, maybe not always, but definitely from the 2nd-7th grades. I was, and wanted to be different. Guess I got my wish...

I used to have a huge conduct disorder. I made it my life's quest to make teachers, parents and all other grownups' lives miserable. And I was REALLY good at it (BTW - still am). I was a tomboy. I did contact karate, played soccer with the boys during lunch breaks, and if you had asked me then what I'd like to be when I grow up, the answer would have been "a man".

I hated school and almost never showed up. When I did, it wasn't for long. The sentence "Hello kids, Trilllian OUT !" was something I used to hear a lot. But, I was one of those kids who "had potential". Don't you just hate that word "potential"? What the hell does that mean? I believe that what you do, is who you are, and NOT what you should be able to do, or could have done, if you wanted to.

I was talkative and I was always considered a bright kid. That's why I wasn't sent to a special school and was given the chance to mend my ways. I took it. I got a grip on myself when I went to junior high. I changed everything. I became a really good student, and in the 8th grade, I started getting involved with all the extra-curricular activities; always busy, always running somewhere. After a long and productive year on the student council, I was sent to a leadership course.

The most notable thing about that is, it was the first time I knew something was going very wrong. I had my first breakdown. I was 13. I don't remember much about it. It's all really fuzzy but I was told I went berserk. That was the first tip that things weren't going right. Unfortunately, it wasn't the last.

High school wasn't really normal for me either. At times, I worked like six people and didn't have time enough to breath. Other times, I felt so bad I couldn't do anything and hoped everything would end. My first, and hopefully last, suicide attempt was in the11th grade. I got into a rage and tried to throw myself under a car.

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