|
When I was a child, I used to believe that I was going to be famous. I was in love with
Donny Osmond and watched Sonny and Cher every week. I can remember singing
"Don’t go Breakin’ my Heart" by Elton John and Kiki Dee when I was
five years old from start to finish. My mother was amazed at how I knew all the words by
heart. I knew I would be a singer and told everyone that I was going to be a singer when I
grew up.
One day, I was in the car with an adult relative and was asked the question of what I
was going to be when I grew up, I replied, "A singer." What followed next,
changed my attitude about myself into my adult life.
My relative replied, "A singer, well you better lose some weight if you want to be
a singer. Singers are skinny." I was crushed. So young and impressionable, I believed
that this was true. I tried thinking of all the singers I could and none of the ones I
could think of were overweight. I remember thinking of Captain and Tenille, Marie Osmond,
and Cher. Even the Magic Garden women were skinny. (I didn’t know who Aretha Franklin
was at the time or I would have probably challenged the response.)
When I was 8 years old, I was in ballet class and had a mean old ballet teacher who
probably loved ballet but obviously didn’t like kids, especially chubby kids. One day
while warming up, we were doing splits, (and to this day, I can drop down and do a
straight split at any moment.) This particular day, we were doing Russian splits and I
couldn’t get my legs to be perfectly straight. She got frustrated with me and called
me a "Fat tub o’ Lard." I told my mom and was promptly pulled out of ballet
class.
In addition to this feeling of being physically inadequate, I inherited a weak bladder
from my mother. Both she and I had problems into early adolescence, (we outgrew it) of not
being able to hold any liquid in our bladders. Once I had to go to the bathroom, I had to
go immediately. If I didn’t get to a bathroom within seconds, I would have an
accident. There was no such thing as "holding it" for me and consequently, I
would have many accidents; sometimes, two in one day. Because of this, I was ridiculed by
my peers and too often, humiliated by adults who thought that this method of humiliation
would make me stop having this problem. This was something I could not control and felt
ashamed and helpless everytime it happened. I was beating myself up enough, I didn’t
need the help of unsympathetic adults to reinforce what a "baby" I was.
When I was 8, my parents got divorced. They were each going through their own pains at
the time and didn’t realize how that was affecting their children. My mother who had
custody at the time, I think had her first taste of freedom in her life and went a little
overboard while leaving my brother, sister and myself with an aunt. She wouldn’t come
to us after work, and this was a period of feeling very unloved and unimportant to me.
In my child mind, I couldn’t see that she was working overtime and doing the best
she could with her situation. On the weekends, my father would take us, but he was always
working and we didn’t really get to spend any quality time with him either. This made
the little girl in me feel very unloved and unimportant. I was not mature enough to
recognize that everyone involved was coping the best way they could with the situation at
hand.
top | continued
about me | for you | workshop | articles | email me | send page |
