Appendix- Use the "Find" command under the "Edit" menu in your browser to search this page.

Available to nurture

I usually pick people who are "unavailable" (unavailable to nurture). Below is a list for me to use to discriminate between non-nurturing and nurturing.

• Compassion.
• Acknowledgement without control.
• Unconditional giving (does not mean gives anything and everything without boundary or limit).
• Likes to be close, holds, eye contact, can touch and be touched.
• Lacks concealment.
• Non-fishing for approval.
• Non- chaotic in relationship.
• Non-victim (does not play victim).
• Non-competitive (does not compete in a dependent way).
• Has a sense of humor similar to mine.
• Trusts (does not test or remain suspicious).
• Wants are clear (no hidden agendas).
• Has time to spend listening. Patient.
• Non-terrorist (lacks destructive control behaviors)..i.Listening;
• Non-intimidating actions. Is open.
• Seems to have a sense of worth and of self.
• Shares without control.
• "Quality time" will be a factor of the above characteristics (a percentage of the above characteristics).

Working Definitions (within this guide)

Definition: Abusive. To kill spirt or choice. To cause doubt. To cause self doubt. To abandon physically or emotionally. To threaten ones security. To corrode trust. To injure. To issue sadness or terror. To control without regard to boundary or well being.

Definition: Addict. A person who has acquired a set of dependency skills and is psychologically (or emotionally) restrained from operating independently without the use of compulsion or control.

Definition: Attached or Attached in an unhealthy way. The use of destructive control behaviors.

Definition: Attack. "To set upon forcefully. To assail with unfriendly or bitter words. To begin to affect. To set to work on. To make an onslaught on. A belligerent or antagonistic action. The beginning of destructive action" (Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary. G. & C. Merriam Co. 1973).

Definition: Avenues. A pathway to reach a destination. An emotional thought process. A process of going from one place to another.

Definition: Bad Choices. Bad Choices are choices which were deemed as being less than perfect or uncomfortable by the addict parent. Includes:

• - Taking care of myself.
• - Not taking care of the addict parent's needs.
• - Not expecting myself to go beyond my age appropriate limits.
• - Setting a boundary.
• - Or any other choice (or action) that the addict deemed as being bad because of their negative or uncomfortable reaction to it.

Definition: Bad Feelings. Bad feelings are defined by the addict parent as the feelings which constitute emotional or physiological pain such as sadness, grief, fear, helplessness, anger, disappointment, anxiety, resentment, nervousness, frustration, guilt, loneliness, shame, or any other feelings of pain.

Definition: Beating. Intent to traumatize. Intent to inflict excessive force. To spank without boundary (lack of protection) such as removal of the child's clothing (bare skin contact) or to spank repeatedly or to spank out of control in a rage. Intent to inflict excessive pain by using an object to strike with such as boards or belts. To strike a body part other than the buttocks. To spank using closed hand. To vent without boundary.

Definition: Being needy. In need of something such as help, comfort, nurturing, emotional support, etc.

Definition: Blame. The projecting of responsibility for an opinion, action, behavior, or a feeling onto someone else.

Definition: Boundary Violation. A boundary violation is an invasion of one person by another without permission. A child who's boundaries are being invaded is being terrorized and coerced by the intruder.

Definition: Chaos. An inner turmoil process that allows me to maintain a level of terror that exceeds or matches the terror I experienced in childhood. A state of internal unrest.

Definition: Crazy Making Game. To begin to feel crazy or insane. To lack acknowledgement for a belief system. To have a support system that denies or filters information in a way to denounce feelings or intuition. To lack affirmation. To be attacked without confirmation. To begin to feel hypervigilant or "on guard." To lose confidence or have trust destroyed.

Definition: Crosstalking or Cross talk. A conversation free of agreed upon rules, restrictions, or procedures. Cross talk may include concealed, interruptive, or destructive feedback.

Definition: Danger. Threat of invasion, intrusion, unexpected violence, catastrophe, shaming, humiliation, false guilt, killing of spirit, abuse, abandonment, restricting the right to flee, forced activity, compulsion, dependance, projection, death, injury, destructive control behaviors.

Definition: Demythification. To undo a myth. To change a belief system. To take off a pedestal. To announce flexibility. To examine.

Definition: Denial. To filter information in and out of memory in order *to support an established belief system. To deny self. To deny self information to protect a perception or belief. To corrupt information and feedback. To corrupt feelings. To lack affirmation of another belief system. To unconsciously manipulate as a way to get a need* met. To use in support of, i.e. to use the child as an emotional support system in order to maintain the addict parent's established belief system.

Definition: Destructive control behaviors. To control in a destructive way. To destroy spirit or consciousness. To deny or avoid. To distort a belief system. To control in an addictive or dependent way. To control without regard to boundary or consequence. To make like a drug in order to alter feeling or emotion.

Definition: Detachment or Detached. Non-controlling. Non-use of destructive control behaviors. The practice of a detachment skill.

Definition: Dysfunctional. To impair growth or development. To cause to remain hidden. Unexamined belief. To repeat without consideration. To lack listening or communication skills. To lack boundary or boundary setting skills.

Definition: Feedback. A response by the listener to what they've heard and understood the speaker to say. An intuitive response. A perception of what was said.

Definition: Fishing. "Fishing" is an indirect way of soliciting approval, acceptance, ok-ed-ness, or affirmation.

Definition: Hidden agenda. Hidden agendas are ulterior motives or hidden reasons. In this situation the agenda of using the child as emotional support to feel better is hidden and the presentation of themselves (the addict parent) as a concerned listener is shown.

Definition: Illusionary power. To imagine another to have a power. To place in authority. To render or renounce power or control. To unjustly place on a pedestal. To make infallible. To avoid responsibility.

Definition: Inanimate Object. To be without spirit. To be without choice or free will. To be immobile.

Definition: Invisible. To be without needs. To "Not speak until spoken to." To not need assistance or listening support. To be without (or silent about) pain, physically or emotionally. To be without complaint. To be without need for approval or affirmation. To be without expectation. To become limitless and without boundary. To be without age appropriate limitations.

Definition: Listen. To be in attendance of a conversation without the compulsion to control or participate. To align feelings with or in support of the speaker. To not divert or judge. .i.Listening; The act of listening may include the asking of questions for clarification. The act of listening does not include feedback. Feedback is another separate part of communication other than listening.

Definition: Need." a physiological or psychological requirement for the well-being of an organism" (Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary. G. & C. Merriam Co. 1973).

Definition: Being needy. In need of something from the addict parent, such as help, comfort, nurturing, emotional support, etc. May also describe the child's reaction to an addict parent.

Definition: Nice. To not complain. To let someone hurt me without speaking up. To endure something I can't stand without a word. To be in the company of someone I hate without report. To control my feelings. To concealing my feelings of being angry or frustrated. To use kindness as a way to approval seek in order to avoid disapproval or the possibility of being abused.

Definition: Personal protective space. A cushion of distance, physical or psychological, which protects a living organism's emotional or spiritual habitat within their physical body or protects their physical body within their environment from the perception of harm. The distance is uniquely defined by each individual organism in response to the perception of their safety at the time a threat is perceived. A part of the survival instinct mechanism.

Definition: Physiological Support. To reduce anxiety or act as a tranquilizer for fear. Note: Mind (thought, memory, and emotion), body, and spirit work together as an interdependent support team. When one member is perceived as being damaged, the other members intuitively respond with some form of aide or advice. If the aide is not on-board (readily available internally), the advice will be to seek external remedies.

Definition: Planned change. A program of recovery which is planned. Such as Counseling, 12 Step Meetings, In-patient treatment programs, Out-patient treatment programs.

Definition: Project. "to attribute (something in one's own mind) to a person, group, or object" (Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary. G. & C. Merriam Co. 1973).

Definition: Project. To transmit from the source to another place. To attack. To assign responsibility.

Definition: Rigid. Unyielding. Inflexible belief system to protect an ego absent or injured. A need to protect.

Definition: Silence. The lack of feedback. Absence of feedback or developmental information.

Definition: Sociophysiological Need. An intense internalized need relating to a psychosocialized response in connection with physical sensation or feeling. Impulsive thought relating to anxiety of confused or distorted origin.

Definition: Stuff. Behavioral processes. How they or I behave in response to a certain stimulus or situation. A response or reaction to an exposure to a set of circumstances in the environment. Different than"to stuff" feeling.

Definition: Survive. To continue. Continued existence. To belong. To be a part of. To not be cast out of. To avoid injury or insult. To avoid abuse. To avoid death. To avoid a terror. Includes the detachment (numbing) of feeling or the repression of emotion (emotionally unavailable).

Definition: Teasing. Intent to injure. Intent to humiliate with the intent of injuring. Anger or resentment expressed in an inappropriate or unclear way. An attack.

Definition: Test. Test the Listener. To share a brief amount of information to see if the listener is going react in a non-nurturing, addictive, or controlling way to the sharing of that information.

Definition: Terrorhood. meaning the abusive life of childhood including addiction, incest, sexual abuse, spousefication, compulsion, physical abuse, emotional abuse, ritualistic abuse, neglect, abandonment, the use of destructive control behaviors and the training to be an object of addiction..

Definition: Terrorize. "1: to fill with terror or anxiety : scare 2: to coerce by threat or violence." (Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary. G. & C. Merriam Co. 1973).

Definition: Terrorize. To entrap. To threaten injury or survival. To invade without regard to boundary. To make unsafe. To threaten takeover.

Definition: Terrorism. " the systematic (44) use of terror esp. as a means of coercion" (Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary. G. & C. Merriam Co. 1973). Definition: Systematic. "marked by thoroughness and regularity" (Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary. G. & C. Merriam Co. 1973).

Definition: Test. To share a brief amount of information to see if the listener is going to react in a non-nurturing, addictive, or controlling way to the sharing of that information.

Definition: Use or Used. To exploit without permission or coerce permission. To manipulate individual will by using control. To place into a double bind. A compulsion. A lack of concession.

Definition: Victim. A behavioral condition. To behave as a victim. To project a sense of injury and helplessness. To use guilt or shame as a way of controlling another person into meeting the needs of the person behaving as a victim. Includes: To ignore or abandon as a way to control. To use anger that is repressed or an appearance of depression or forlorn as a way to control. To rage from a victimstance or to become passively aggressive as a way to control. To blame. To create resentment within another person; as a result of forcing them (controlling them) into a circumstance of which was not of their own choosing, through the use of guilt, shame, or the threat of abandonment. -cont.: Victimstance or Victim-stance. A place to start from. A point to begin acting out the role of a victim. To operate from the stand point of a victim. Operating in the role as a victim. Further characteristics may also include behavioral traits as listed in the DSM-III-R under 301.00 PPD, 301.20 SPD, 301.50 HPD, 301.81 NPD, 301.82 APD, and 301.60 DPD. Note: Victim as defined here is not the same as a "victim" of abuse. These are separate ideas, i.e. playing the role of a victim verses being the "victim" of abuse.

Footnote Directory

When I refer to the phrase "feel bad," I'm referring to the addict's need to not feel insecure, out of control, afraid, and vulnerable. When I refer to the phrase "feel good," I'm referring to the addict's need to feel secure, in control, not afraid, and not vulnerable.

"Emotional self," as part of: I am all that I am at the time that I am, to be explained in Section III. Perception of self. That part which thinks and feels. That self which we are aware of. Spiritual self.

When the child is first being trained as an object of addiction, the addict parent may explain the meaning of their facial expression in order to enforce the message that they are trying to convey. Later on, as the child becomes responsive to the training, the explanation is negated; which adds an extra load of unclarity, leaving the child to "figure it out."

" Being themselves" refers to being able to be all of who they are in a comfortable and acceptable way. By comfortable I mean to be within the limits of their age appropriate expectations. Straining past these appropriate limitations to become acceptable requires that the child ignore their stresses (strains) in order to insure their survival.

" Compete mode" refers to the compulsive or impulsive need to win in a dependency way to avoid feeling bad.

"Despite what competitive parents may claim to want for their children, their hidden agenda is to ensure that their children can't outdo them." (Forward 105).

Note: Rebellion is dangerous in dysfunctional families where the child is being used as an object of an addiction. A rebellious child is similar to removing cigarettes from an addict addicted to smoking or removing heroin from an addict addicted to heroin. The addict's reaction to a rebellious child will be violent and non-supportive. Setting a boundary to maintain the protection of oneself is also seen as a rebellious act by addict parents because they see this as keeping them from their addiction of needing to use something or someone to feel better or avoid feeling bad.

Children who grow up in addiction have high tolerance levels for abuse and scared feelings. Being abused and feeling scared becomes normal feeling and goes unnoticed or repressed. Also called stuffing or numbing feelings.

This includes PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) as it relates to violence and compulsion in dysfunctional families. Such as being forced into situations (events) of possible death, injury, or catastrophe over a period of time. "The effects are especially severe if the stress is caused by a series of traumatic events and is of human origin. The effects are even more severe if the individual under stress has rigid coping strategies or if the person's support system includes those who encourage denial of the stress." (Cermak 40).

Most of my chaos is created as a response to feeling scared to death or unworthy. I am worthy and it hurts to feel unworthy in the company of another person or a thing that treats me in an unworthy way. I may be blinding myself to an intense hurt with the "chaos" I create in a situation as a way to avoid acknowledging the hurt. No matter how healthy I am it hurts to be treated as unworthy by someone I would like to treat me as being worthy.

The opposite of this double bind is asking for my needs to be met and going elsewhere when they become unavailable to me without the destruction of myself (my spirit, awareness, or consciousness) or someone else in the process. What I call the freedom for you and I to explore the lives we've chosen and express ourselves without feeling the need to use destructive destructive control behaviors; and without feeling terrorized.

As stated before, chaos is an internal state which keeps the brain working overtime in order to not become still enough to experience feeling and memory (chaos as a way to repress). When I am in chaos, my brain feels like a clear glass pitcher of dirty pond water. And as long as that pond water stays stirred up, I will be unable to get a clear picture of what I feel like. The only time I know when I am in tune with what I feel, is when the sediment in the water (the chaos) settles to the bottom of the pitcher and the water becomes crystal clear. Text writing is usually more of a buffer than an expulsion. This guide is an example combination of a buffer, an addiction, and an avenue for expulsion.

"The Un-mailed Letter" concept. The un-mailed letter is a letter written to someone who has hurt me (the interpretation of my feelings) and is not a safe enough listener to listen to what I have to expel (say) about feeling hurt without abusing me in the process. The object is to expel on paper the feelings that would of been expelled in person, had the listener been considered be safe. There is no need to express myself in danger of being injured by the listener, if I perceive the listener to be addicted to me. If the listener is addicted to me they will react. The reaction will be hostile and abusive.

Members in a dysfunctional family operate on the same premise. "You will submit to the control I think I need to have over you or I'll abandon and beat you up emotionally or physically."

Addict parents do not respect boundaries. They have no idea what the concept of boundaries is about. Setting a boundary for an addict parent creates an immediate hostile and abusive response. Children raised in dysfunctional families are abused, beaten, or abandoned when they try to keep themselves from being injured or intruded upon by setting a boundary (examples: "Don't do that you're hurting me! or Ow-w-w! . . . that hurts!" or "Pl-e-a-s-e . . . don't") This is another part of the terror for children who were raised as objects of addiction. The addict parent is operating on the assumption that the child is an object of use and therefore does not need to be allowed a sense of safety by allowing boundaries. A boundary is seen by the addict parent as something that needs to be demolished in order to keep the child functioning as an object of use.

"Even in quiet moments, these children live in fear that the volcano of rage will erupt at any moment. And when it does, anything the victim does to fend off the blows only outrages the abuser more." (Forward 21).

Nurture List

Below are things I do to nurture myself.

 

Compassion for limits and feelings. Choosing to feel comfortable with all that I am. Compassion for my double binds.

Acknowledging feelings without control (acknowledge the feeling).

Acknowledging feelings of pain without controlling them.

Acknowledging the terror.

Saying all I need to say as a way to expel, vs. saying all I need to say to explain it.

Unconditional giving to myself. Without the conditions of guilt or shame

Honesty; inside of myself.

Patience when I don't know how to do something, how to say something, the answer (and not make up one), what I like, what I need, what I hate, what I want.

When I'm feeling anxious am I . . . . . Approval seeking or about to seek approval? Creating an event as a way to stay chaotic in my head?

Using my detachment skills. Non-use of destructive control behaviors.

Allowing another person to share an insight with me without having to accommodate it or change as a result of it.

Sharing an insight with another person without having to have them accommodate it or change as a result of it.

When I don't feel ok about myself, when I'm around someone or something, maybe it's time to change and get away from the someone or the something.

Creativity and chaos. There's a lot of things that could be done. Do they need to be done? Do I want to do them? Are they creatively keeping me in chaos? Creativity is a gift and not the chaotic curse. Scaring myself as a way to be creative is an old response to terrorhood.

Healing in recovery. Going to meetings.

Where was I when I learned that information? Is it old information passed down without revision from generation to generation?

Using the knowledge I'm learning in recovery to un-train myself as an object of addiction. My parents are no longer responsible for the choices I make; only the training prevents me from living a life of my choosing. Am I using my parents as objects of addiction?

Taking time to practice (not having to do it perfectly).

Trusting my feelings to be correct for me.

Trusting my opinions, my thoughts, and my instincts.

Clarity in asking for my needs.

Clarity in setting boundaries.

Taking terror and control out of the anger (remembering: terror + control + anger= rage).

Humor.

Choosing. Choosing two if I want. Having choices.

Saying, "I'm scaring myself."

Ending encounters that are non-nurturing.

When they give up their own power to me for my opinions, I need not accept the power they wish to project.

Seeking environments that are nurturing.

Not analyzing myself.

Taking time out to clear.

Letting go of the intensity. Intensity isn't necessary.

Not giving anything and everything away compulsively as a way to approval seek (my time, my listening skills, my nurturing, my acknowledgements, my knowledge, etc). Creating false loyalties to seek approval. Staying out of resentment. Offering as a choice and not a compulsion.

Stop and nurture the pain.

Talking to God.

Having faith in the flow of things (staying in the flow, not fighting against it).

Liking myself.

Letting other people like me.

Using a non-victim style to approach conflict resolution.

Acknowledging when I'm stuffing.

Asking others for clarity (not guess what they need, want, etc).

Understanding the use of language as a symbolic way to communicate and that the symbols are given definition by the user's interpretations, i.e. taking power out of labels, conversation, interpretations.

Using the phone to reach out.

Using meetings to reach out.

Communing with others. Spending time in community with others.

Allowing myself options (and the possibility of options unknown).

Spending time to commune with myself, God, and my inner authority.

The "Anxiety" is the looking for something to feel better. The looking is the anxiety. It's the fuel in the behavior. It's the fear of not finding or feeling helpless.

Use my stomach as a guide.

Divide a task into smaller units and do a unit at a time (not to be overwhelmed). And allow myself a sense of completion (not to push without taking time to acknowledge the completion).

Taking time to finish and acknowledge.

Think of the people who aren't rejecting me (who aren't disapproving). Recall their image and their voice. Use non-negative reinforcement to nurture, instead of focusing on the few negative reinforcements (people that are disapproving) in order to create chaos and terror.

Allow people the choice to be close in a relationship and not force them to be close. Allow them to participate in the relationship instead of picking up where they leave off.

Turn it over.

People pay less attention to me than I thought. I'm not on the spot like I thought I used to be. They care less about what I do then I thought. Non-paranoia.

Is what I learned at five-years-old still the same today?

Request another person's approval for the day.

Do something to feel done (breath, acknowledge, pause, reflect).

I'm only in control of approval from someone else in that I'm able to ask for it as a way to get a need met.

Non-victim and forgiveness are related.

top | next | table of contents

home | about me | preface | section 1 | section 2 | section 3 | appendix
references | disclaimer | editorials | email me | send page to friend