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Journeys
of Expulsion
The journey
of expulsion includes grief work, self discovery, self definition, the building
of an inner authority, the destruction of myths, and the awareness of new skills
for living. Double binds are part of the self discovery (the discovery of "self").
The "self" is who I am. I am my likes, my dislikes, my feelings, my
wishes, my thoughts, my opinions, etc., and my double binds. I believe there are
two major double binds experienced by children who grew up as objects of an addiction.
The
First Double Bind
"Is
it ok to say what I think I need to say in order to take care of myself?"
-Double
bind restated-
-
"I need to say (I need
expel to resolve a stress cycle)"
-
vs
-
"Is
it ok?"
-
i.e.
-
Will
I be abused if I try to resolve a stress cycle?
-
I
need to avoid injury and abuse to survive
-
I
don't want to create an additional stress cycle
-
-
The
Second Double Bind
"Is
it ok to do what I think I need to do (including mistakes) in order to take care
of myself?"
-Double
bind restated-
-
"I need to do what
I think I need to do in order to take care of myself (I need to resolve a stress
cycle)"
-
vs
-
"Is
it ok?"
-
i.e.
-
Will
I be abused if I try to resolve a stress cycle?
-
I
need to avoid injury and abuse to survive
-
I
don't want to create an additional stress cycle
-
-
Note:
"I remember being so severely effected by these double binds at one time
that I was unable to say or do anything."
These
double binds develop as the result of being trained as an object of addiction.
Children who are trained to be objects of an addiction receive the following message
from their addict parents (from addict to child):
I'm
not OK, when . . . . You're not
Addicts
reinforce this message to the child by using the "destructive control behaviors"
discussed in Section I, Behaviors that Hurt. As a result of this programing, the
child's development includes the two major double binds listed above.
I still feel the terror about
having to "watch out!" for what I say and "watch out!" for
what I do. That's the short version of these two double binds (having to watch
what I say and watch what I do). It's now known that panic and anxiety disorders
in men are directly related to over protective mothers in conjunction with distant
or absent fathers.
-
The
Watch what I do list
-
Watch
out when doing _________ . Abuse may occur
- Making
noise in the morning (age inappropriate expectations).
- Respect
for toys, clothes, adults, peers, siblings, etc. (age in appropriate respect/
expectations).
- Making noise
(age inappropriate expectations).
- Not
reading my mom or dads mind (I'd better guess what's on their mind to stay safe).
- Getting up earlier than the
parent. ("sleeping in" as an age inappropriate expectations).
- Interrupting
by drawing attention to myself (as a way to take care of myself).
- Examples:
- Going
to the bathroom
- Taking care
of my needs
- Being sick
- etc.
- Academic performance
(having to look good for sake of a parent).
- Going
too slow, going too fast (as defined by the parent).
- Eating.
- Playing.
- Making
a mess (age inappropriate cleaning or grooming).
- Running.
- Fighting (with siblings,
bullies).
- Not keeping my
room clean (age inappropriate cleaning or grooming).
- Not
making my bed.
- Hiccups, sneezing,
farting, urinating, bowel movements, and other bodily functions.
- Laughing
at mistakes.
- Being late.
- Dressing myself.
- Making
a scene.
- Going to school.
- Getting sick.
- Trying
to protect myself.
- Practicing
lessons.
- Practicing good
manners (what ever "good" means. Acceptable as defined by the parent).
- Watching a younger sibling.
- Age inappropriate work (example:
young boys lifting heavy objects before the age of 16 may become herniated).
- Having
to get along with everyone.
- Having
to endure abusive situations.
- Having
to forfeit limits in order to be limitless (physically and emotionally).
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